Archive for Navel gazing

ripped away

the wingless one / October 24, 2013 / No comments

So the last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster. A very slow, very predictable, but very unpleasant roller coaster.

On Monday I visited Dr. Kidney who seemed only slightly put off that I have yet to completely wean T or start any of my meds as had been agreed upon during our previous visit a month earlier. He understood that between T going to daycare due to my mom (his primary caregiver during the day) off in a foreign country for two weeks, it was just not the greatest time to deny him the b0ob.

The plan then became to finish weaning T, stat, like in the next few days and switch meds and then see him in 5 or so weeks.

Well, yesterday morning when I woke up, I woke up with a raging headache. I took my blood pressure and it said 169/105. And I freaked the f*ck out because, um…169/105. There was much googling of hypertensive emergency and crisis and the conclusion of my google-ing is that I was close but not quite at the cigar. 180/120 seems to be the “GET YO ASS TO THE HOSPITAL IDIOT” threshhold and I was not quite there yet. So I just cracked into the supply of blood pressure meds that my doctor had been urging me to get onto and realized that this was it. I was unceremoniously giving up breastfeeding because I was suddenly terrified of stroking out at work. Legitimate, but I still felt pissed and depressed that it wasn’t under MY terms.

Anyway, my numbers have gone done steadily (spoke with Dr. Kidney last night and he said I should be much better by today.

The baby seems mildly upset. There are times where he clearly wants to nuzzle into my chest and these moments make my heart shatter and break into a million tiny pieces because…I…..can’t. Wahh.

But really, other than that he seems totally fine. Because let’s be honest he’s a happy little dude and not much seems to bother him. Except eating. Which he seems to now hate with a fiery passion. But that’s a related post for another die.

Category: motherhood, Navel gazing, The wolf, Well, that hurt /

Brain dump

the wingless one / October 5, 2013 / No comments

Hello blog. So we meet again. I have much to tell you and no coherent way to go about it so I’ve decided that once again the best way of doing this is probably just to do it and not worry about it flowing or sounding nice or, um, maybe making sense.

  • We had our first visit with the high risk development clinic this past week. It went well and we should get the written report in 2-3 weeks but preliminarily everyone we met with was very happy with where T is at right now. He was called a flirt multiple times and he laughed and smiled his way through pretty much the whole thing. The kid is a social butterfly and Paul and I are constantly wondering where he gets that from since we both skew towards being introverts.

    Despite the fact that it went well, I came home from the visit with mixed feelings. It wasn’t really about how T did (because like I said he did great) it was more The Feelings it stirred up about our NICU stay and how sick he was during those first few weeks of his life. I actually found out something that I did not know, and looking back, am glad I didn’t know, was part of his diagnosis. He had something called DIC which is a complicated medical thing that I don’t fully understand except that it relates to the body completely being unable to clot on its own and that a disturbingly high percentage of people who develop this (extremely rare) condition die.

    I knew he was sick. I knew he was very sick. But I don’t think I ever fully let myself understand that we could have lost him in those early days. I can’t even think about it without tears coming to my eyes and my heart jumping into my throat.

    The social worker we spoke with talked about a Stanford study about PTSD in NICU parents. And yes, I can see that. I can feel that. It’s not with me every moment of every day or anything like that but there are definitely times when I hear a story, smell a smell, see something and I am gripped with terror or sadness. I think when you’ve had a traumatic NICU stay (is there any other kind really?) it just stays with you forever and it’s never going to go away. I hope that none of it stays with T because he was so small and can’t remember any of it as real memories, but I do often wonder…are there aspects of his personality that will be forever colored by those first few weeks when his life was completely atypical of the majority of babies in the world? I guess I’ll never really know.

  • My own health has not been great. I’ve been weaning myself from the pump these past couple weeks and plan on working on T’s nursing sessions over this next week. Maybe if I’m feeling ambitious I will write a post on exactly how I’ve been doing that. The goal is to be done and switched meds by the time I see Dr. Kidney again on 10/21. I think my doctors would have liked it if I went cold turkey with nursing and just started the meds already but I GTS (googled that sh*t), which was obviously a bad idea, and found all these sites saying I will Traumatize The Baby if I don’t ease into it. So in the meantime I just pray I’m not doing any serious irreversible damage to myself. My blood pressure sucks but it’s been somewhat stable in terms of the suckage. So got that going for me?
  • The silver lining of this flare (yes, it’s a flare, I’ve given up trying to pretend it’s not) is that it pushed me into talking to my boss about working four days a week instead of five and he was amazingly supportive. Like I wanted to hug him but it wouldn’t have been appropriate – supportive. Not only did he talk to HR and the guys I work for directly about me going part time, he also told me to start coming in a half hour later at 6:00am, which may not sound like much but is HUGE at that hour of the morning. He said if I don’t think it’s enough he would even be willing to look into job sharing my position. Amazingly. Supportive. I start my new schedule next week and I’m excited! I feel SO blessed and so lucky to be working for such an incredible boss and company.
  • And now for the good stuff…T is growing and developing by leaps and bounds. I am annoyed at myself that I’ve been so bad about documenting it all. He has one ridiculously adorable tooth that finally came through a few weeks ago with pretty much no fanfare whatsoever. It was just like “oh hey, I has a tooth now guys” no real fussing or anything. It’s the bottom right in case you were wondering. His top gums look pretty swollen so I think maybe those will be next. He also finally started rolling both directions and now rolls as his method of transportation. He’s also quite a fast tummy pivoter too but just hasn’t quite figured out the crawling. It’s so cute how pissed he gets when a toy is just out of his reach because I think mentally he *gets* how to crawl but he just can’t physically do it yet. T has NO social/separation anxiety to speak of. When we drop him off at daycare he’s like, “see ya later!” and the other day when I was at Dr. Kidney’s office, I left him with the nurse while I gave a urine sample and I could hear him laughing his little head off outside with no regard at all for where I was or if I was coming back. People tell me this is a good thing and that it means he’s well attached, so I try not to take it personally. He does know who I am though because he recently started reaching out for me to hold him once I get home from work and my mom brings him to the door to greet me. I should really do a whole post on him soon. Maybe with my extra day off!
    • Category: Navel gazing /

    return of the unwanted visitor?

    the wingless one / August 4, 2013 / No comments

    I guess we’ll see how well I know my body in short order here, but I’m fairly certain that I ovulated last week and will be getting my first postpartum period soon.

    I suppose I should be glad, hopefully this means my cycle will return to predictable and reliable, hopefully this means TTC #2, when the time comes, will be as simple and straightforward as the road that led us to our lovely little T. But since we’re not quite there yet, I was really hoping to put off the return of monthly hormonal breakouts, cramping and exhaustion for a bit longer.

    I’m pumping or nursing at least five or six times per day but apparently the night feeds are the most vital in holding periods at bay and those have been out of the picture for nearly two months since T started sleeping his eleven to twelve hours per night. I pump right before I leave for the office at 5am but I guess the long gap between his last feed (usually 7:00-7:30pm) is just too long and I don’t want to have to stay up late to pump one last time before bed (since my pump will only give me a letdown if it’s been at least 2hrs since his last feed). And, if the choice is between waking up in the middle of the night to pump and my period, I will take the period.

    Category: Navel gazing /

    that was fast

    the wingless one / June 14, 2013 / One comment

    Yeah, my ability to think positive seems to be fading quickly.

    Maybe it has something to do with the pure and utter exhaustion.

    And knowing that having to be in the office by 5am every day, all week starting on Monday, is only going to pile the exhaustion on.

    The upcoming return to work has me all kinds of panicky. I have been snapping at Paul and much to my own dismay, snapping at the poor baby.

    It’s my own fault really, I am jealous in my care for T. I want to be his sole source of comfort, food, everything and so it has come to be that way. Maybe Paul could put him to sleep but I’m so scared that if he tries and fails I’ll end up doing it anyway, except it will be two hours later and he will be all riled up and harder to put down. And then I get irritated that no one can help me with this screaming infant, who through no fault of his own currently can’t seem to stay asleep!

    I get annoyed at my mother. For implying that she knows better than I do how to care for MY baby. For implying that she can do it better. That she is more “natural” at it than I am. I’m jealous that she’ll be getting all this time with my baby which may lead her to feel even more so that he is HERS and not MINE. But he is mine! I know what he likes! I know what he needs! I KNOW him.

    I have a pretty good relationship with my mom by most people’s standards. I tell her almost everything. She tells me probably more than I want to hear quite a bit. I know she loves T very much. But we are definitely having some boundary issues and the funny thing is she thinks she is very cognizant of boundaries but she isn’t. She also thinks she is not critical and judgmental, but she is.

    I can’t do anything different from how she raised us without her taking it as a criticism of her mothering skills. I’ve told her it’s not about her, it’s about me and how I want to care for my child but somehow this only makes her even more defensive and upset. So I really don’t know how to address this problem because every time she starts criticizing me and I defend myself it descends into an argument I can’t win where she essentially tells me “It’s my way or the highway” and the problem is, I have no choice. I’m going back to work. As others have pointed out, hiring a Chinese nanny (which is what we can afford) would just be like paying someone to do exactly what my mother will do. In fact, my mom brought up hiring my grandma’s previous helper, the one who kept telling my mom to tell me not to do this or that while I was pregnant.

    Um, yeah, thanks but no thanks. I am not going to pay someone who thinks their opinions on child-rearing trump my own in regards to MY OWN CHILD. And at least my mom truly loves T.

    But the fact remains, my mother doesn’t respect me as a mother and I don’t really know what to do about that.

    Category: motherhood, Navel gazing /

    thankful

    the wingless one / June 12, 2013 / No comments

    My last few days of devoting 100% of myself to my baby boy are dwindling down.

    It’s been a hard week because we seem to be in the throes of a sleep regression but I’m still so grateful for these days and aware of how lucky I am to have had all this time to get to know this wonderful little man.

    Today I decided that I will not focus on how sad I am to have to be away from him for hours at a time, day after day. There is still so much for me to be thankful for and I should be focused on that.

    On a Christian radio station, I once heard the refrain, “What if tomorrow you only woke up with what you remembered to thank God for today?” and I’m trying to remind myself of that as each of these last few moments of maternity leave slips away. I know it’s going to be a challenge to feel that way when I’m dragging my butt up at four in the morning next Monday.

    I’m thankful to have such a perfect little baby, for the privilege of being his mommy, to watch him grow every day into the man he will one day be.

    I’m thankful to have a mother who is willing to make a not-easy journey every day to come watch him so that I know he’ll be in the care of someone who loves him almost as much as I do.

    I’m thankful for the job that allows me to provide for my family.

    I’m thankful for my wonderful husband and that he also has a great job that provides for us. And that he knows how important it is to provide emotionally as a father and a husband.

    I’m thankful for how my health has held up despite not having been able to take the best care of myself these past few months.

    I’m thankful for the friends and family that have supported me along this journey called life and motherhood.

    I’m thankful for this wonderful life that God has blessed me with even though I don’t deserve it, never have and never will.

    Category: Navel gazing /

    odds and ends, return of the bullet points

    the wingless one / May 8, 2013 / No comments
  • T will be four months old tomorrow. He is starting to outgrow his 3mo clothes and grow into his 6mo. *sob* My baby!! I missed a three month post for him but I do plan on writing one for four months because dangit, he has been growing by leaps and bounds and I need to document it!


  • My cousin-in-law B had a chemical pregnancy last month. It was their first month trying so it’s probably just one of those things, but I still always get sad/worried when I hear about things like that. I hope it was just a fluke and they get their sticky baby soon. T needs a cousin to play with! It will be weird when my baby cuz is a daddy though…


  • The cat has been pooping in inappropriate places. I’m not sure if this is just older sibling syndrome kicking in or if she needs to take a trip to the vet. If it’s the latter, I have no idea how I’m going to lug a 12.5lb baby and a 22lb cat to the vet by myself.


  • WARRIORS!! T was our lucky charm tonight. ‘Nuff said!

    20130508-221720.jpg


  • T has his first home visit with this development program our NICU referred us to. Another reason I love our NICU, I don’t think he qualified for the program, strictly speaking, because it’s meant for micro-preemies who are at higher risk but because of some of the issues he had in the NICU the head of the NICU referred him anyway, and as our social worker said, they do whatever Dr. S tells them to, so he is getting a visit tomorrow. I think if we weren’t having regular visits with my cousin-in-law B I’d be a little more worried but since she’s been hanging out with us weekly and seems to think he’s fine, I’m hoping for no surprises tomorrow. (B is a pediatric physical therapist).


  • I finally set an official return date for my leave. June 17th. I can write an entire post about how this is making me feel.
    • Category: Baby T, motherhood, Navel gazing, NICU /

    panic attacks

    the wingless one / April 17, 2013 / One comment

    I’ve started so many posts and finished none of them. I guess I’m feeling a bit stuck lately. Anxious, actually.

    My leave is technically over. I requested an extension but the insurance company has yet to approve it and it’s been over two weeks. I spoke with my contact there today and he said it’s under final review with his supervisor which for some reason is making me nervous that it will be rejected. I’m not really sure what happens if I get rejected since I’ve been out this whole time?

    I was hoping that once (if) it got approved I could talk to my HR about taking the two weeks of California’s Paid Family Leave that I have left over. Since our office in CA is tiny and they’re more used to dealing with NY state rules, I’m sure they’re not familiar with it and will have to look into it but I’m pretty sure I do still have those two weeks, it might just look bad at how long I’m attempting to extend my leave. Especially since I still want to use the four weeks of vacation at the end of it.

    Is it obvious that I’m having a hard time thinking about going back to work?

    Adding to my anxiety is that my state disability claim is still pending processing. I should probably call to follow up because the website says it takes 7-9 days processing (and I submitted it over a month and a half ago) but the social worker at the hospital did mention it can take up to 10 weeks or more. Plus the one time I tried to call a recorded message informed me that there were already too many people holding and hung up on me.

    Sigh.

    I just wish I could stay home with my baby.

    T is smiling real smiles now and working on his laugh. He definitely wants to and has the first “HA” down but can’t quite figure out how to finish it off.

    Honestly before he started with the smiling I wondered if he was a happy baby, I couldn’t tell because it felt like all he did was cry, fuss or quietly stare. Now he smiles all the time and it just melts my heart to know that he really is a happy boy. I love that I’ve gotten to see him change bit by bit, day by day and I really can’t imagine having to leave him for so many hours every day and missing all that.

    Category: Baby T, motherhood, Navel gazing /

    falling short

    the wingless one / April 1, 2013 / 2 comments

    I think we all have ideals for ourselves of what we will and will not do when we become parents.

    I consider myself to be a fairly nonjudgemental person when it comes to how others want to parent but, as I’m sure everyone does, I have seen techniques employed by friends and family and said to myself, “I’d never do that” or “I hope I can imitate that!”

    One thing I’m sure every parent can agree on, is that parenthood? Boy is it humbling.

    And the reality is that while it’s great to have an idea of the things you do and don’t want to do, I’ve learned that 99% of the time it’s just not that simple.

    For example, we registered for and received an Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper (thanks lil sis!). I had visions of the ease of being able to reach over, grab the baby in the middle of the night, nurse and pop him back into his co-sleeper. I mean really, what could be simpler right?

    Of course, it hasn’t worked out this way for a number of reasons, one of which being that my letdown is too strong so I can’t nurse T without burping him, which means the whole production of sitting up and rocking and patting and usually ends with T being fully awake and needing to be soothed back to sleep and then promptly waking up again the moment he’s placed back into his co-sleeper.

    Sigh.

    There are actually a whole host of other reasons that feeding him inevitably turns into a minimum 30-45 minute debacle at night which pretty much destroyed my dream of how amazingly easy and awesome the co-sleeper would make life.

    But that’s not the point. My point was supposed to be (although I completely failed to make it) that I always said I would never co-sleep with a baby in my bed. There would be no reason right? We were getting a co-sleeper!

    Yeah, about that…

    T does not seem to love his co-sleeper. He can be passed out in our arms or in his new bouncer (which he looves but unfortunately I have stood firm on not letting him sleep overnight in it since he seems to slide down the chair into dangerous positions) but once we put him in his co-sleeper it takes about two minutes for him to start fussing and another three for the crying to begin. At 3am it’s hard to be firm about leaving him where he is and trying to soothe him with patting or continually replacing the pacifier into his mouth.

    So, in the quest for sleep, there has been a baby in our bed the past few nights despite all the AAP warnings against it and my own firm belief that I would never do something so dangerous as sleep with my baby. All things equal, I came to the conclusion that it is safer for my baby to have a semi-rested mama caring for him than a sleep-deprived, frustrated, arthritic one that has stayed up all night trying to get him to sleep in his co-sleeper.

    There’s also the added bonus that he actually seems to sleep 100x better snuggled up next to me and has been a much happier baby as a result.

    I don’t let him sleep next to Paul because that man rolls like crazy and has been known to squash me once in awhile.

    I’ve also been rebelling against the AAP recommendation to only put babies to sleep on their back. The kiddo hates tummy time with every fiber of his tiny body. He also doesn’t nap well during the day because he generally does not like to be swaddled when the sun is out and then proceeds to startle himself every thirty minutes or so. So Paul and I finally decided to try to kill two birds with one stone and let him nap on his tummy during the day, as long as I’m awake and watching him. We’re hoping he’ll sleep deeper and also create a positive association with being on his tummy because Paul is terrified that he will fall behind developmentally and there goes his Stanford basketball scholarship =P

    Also, funny enough, he will sleep on his tummy in his co-sleeper. So maybe at some point we will just have him do that at night. I figure once he can roll on his own that would make it the safest of the options that lead to sleep for us and him.

    I guess in the years to come I’ll have plenty of opportunities to give up my own expectations of myself in pursuit of sanity so I better just get used to it now. Like I said, parenting is humbling!

    Category: motherhood, Navel gazing /

    my world is all about bo.obs these days

    the wingless one / March 27, 2013 / 5 comments

    I want to preface this post by saying, I have absolutely nothing against breastfeeding in public. In fact, I did it for the very first time last Sunday and it was great, I was on a bench with a lovely view of the bay and I kid you not that a sea lion swam by to entertain us as I nursed on a bench with my friend who was also nursing her daughter.

    But I would never, ever, ever nurse in public without a cover. I feel like the hardcore breastfeeding-in-public crowd confuses modesty with shame and the two are not the same even if they can lead to the same outcome. The outcome being not flashing my breastses (pronounced breast-eh-stes) to the world.

    I’m certainly not ashamed that I breastfeed, I’m not sure why I would be given that society nowadays pushes the whole “breast is best” thing way beyond the limits of what research has actually proven, in fact, I was actually fearful of judgement that time I whipped out a bottle of expressed milk in a cafe to feed T and I tried in vain to telepathically inform all the eyes that I felt were judging me, “it’s expressed breast milk, I swear!” BUT being proud (or even just neutral) that I breastfeed does not seem to me to be a great reason to suddenly become an exhibitionist flashing my nips in every Banana Republic (true story, I once saw a woman nursing cover-less in the middle of a BR in downtown) or showing off a ginormous nip.ple as I walk down a Miami promenade in the middle of the day with an infant hanging off it (but who’s mouth wasn’t big enough to cover it because it was so damn huge) (also a true story, I saw this, I was eating, it kind of ruined my appetite just a little bit, I don’t care if this makes me a prude).

    I read a comment somewhere and this woman was downright appalled and angry at her family, who were “sooo backwards” that they asked if she could cover up when she whipped out her bo.ob in the middle of like Thanksgiving dinner or something and started nursing in plain view of all her cousins, uncles, I’m assuming her father and maybe grandfather? I just don’t get why you would WANT to do that, even if you can, which yes, you technically can, but then shouldn’t you be prepared for all your hormonal fifteen year old nephews to be whipping out their iPhone cameras and er…ew…just ew?

    I feel like I am probably in the majority here, since I know a lot of women who breastfeed/have breastfed and I have no idea what any of their nip.ples look like, but I feel like with this new generation of “lactivists” there’s this small segment of the population that seems to be demanding that breasts no longer be viewed as sexual objects but rather just food dispensers, like the pez ones with Donald Duck on top. The problem with this is that they aren’t just for feeding, they have a legitimate role as sexual objects too. Even though my own at the moment aren’t looking so hot, more like veiny and disproportionate, but they actually do look pretty good when I’m actually wearing a bra and a shirt (this does not happen often anymore though).

    So while breastfeeding in public should be and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it is seen as 100% acceptable, I think it is just as acceptable to expect that women who nurse in public use a cover, particularly if they’re in an area where there may be hormonal teenage boys. You may think, well teenage boys should learn that these are merely baby feeders, but in the same breath you should also tell yourself that communism works in theory because that’s about as far as you’re going to get with that.

    In closing, breastfeeding is great. Breastfeeding in public, also great. But there’s no reason to throw modesty out the window just because breastfeeding is great. Besides, they make cute nursing covers nowadays and you can probably get one for free if you google promo codes for udder covers. You’re welcome.

    Category: Navel gazing /

    pushing and pulling

    the wingless one / March 25, 2013 / One comment

    This thing with my mom is turning into a ridiculously epic power struggle.

    Her problem is that when it comes to T, I get to make the decisions and she’s quite confident that I’m doing it (i.e. everything) wrong.

    So even though I know in my head that I should be over the moon grateful that she’s willing to help out by taking the absolute worst shift with a newborn baby, I end up acting like a sour, angry teenager every time I see her.

    The ridiculous arguments she insists on picking with me don’t make the situation feel any less like junior high.

    For example tonight we got into an argument about whether or not T should have a night light in his room. I say, yes, I mean I think most children in this country have a night light to keep the bogeymen away right? She thinks it’s going to cause childhood insomnia and is the reason that T doesn’t want to fall asleep tonight. (Nevermind that he fell asleep just fine with it every other night).

    Also tonight I informed her that T must be having a growth spurt because from 10am on he ate every 2 hours until 6pm at which time he started feeding every hour. She replied in Chinese, something along the lines of, “That’s unacceptable, what are the grown ups (watching him) supposed to do?”

    Um…deal with it? If the baby is having a growth spurt and hungry, you feed him. It doesn’t matter if it’s every 2 hours, every hour or every 15 minutes. I’m not understanding what her philosophy even is in this situation. Let him be short?

    The Type A personality in me is having a really tough time with this arrangement because I feel like her lack of respect for my mothering choices leads to her kind of winging it and doing it in ways she think are better but that I don’t agree with. I’m not some crazy attachment parent who believes babies should always be held and never, ever cry for a single second, but I also don’t think I want my newborn baby crying it out when all he really wants is to be fed, changed, or held. And yes, I do count his need to be held as a legitimate need and something that I should respond to. But all I hear from my parents (even my dad is in on this part of it) that I’m spoiling him by holding him too much.

    I feel terrible about what a little shit I’m being towards my mom but I can’t spend every night arguing about what I’m doing and what makes sense and why. I just want to be a mom. And I want the person who’s helping me out with that endeavor to go along with what I’ve already decided. Non-judgemental advice is more than welcome but without any obligation to use it. None of that I’m going to get from my mom.

    I have a feeling that before this week is over there will be tears.

    Category: Baby T, Navel gazing /
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