Archive for Baby talk

i’m pretty sure there’s a word for this

the wingless one / November 23, 2010 / One comment

So, clearly, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind when I wrote that last post. In fact, basically all weekend I was sort of prepared to ease myself into a familiar rut of nostalgia and moping for no other reason than, I felt like it. I wanted to let myself be depressed.

And I only just now sort of had an epiphany about the whole thing…

Funny, isn’t it, how I chose to fixate on something in my past (that didn’t pan out as I expected it to) which has absolutely no effect on my future (or present, for that matter).

I did not, however, choose to think at all about the visit with Dr. Kidney last Wednesday.

He didn’t say anything earth-shattering, I’ve been around all of this long enough that I generally have a pretty good idea of what the protocol is for the me.ds I’m on. The long and the short of it is that it will be at least another year before I will be tapered completely off and three months after that before they recommend we officially “pull the goalie.” The caveat to all of this, of course being if everything goes smoothly. I could tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t really expect the outcome to be any different, but he’s said that from the beginning so, again, it wasn’t a surprise.

It still sucks to hear.

And it still sucks when you get the distinct impression that your doctors are trying not to hurt your feelings.

Somehow I managed to completely disengage myself from the conversation and act as if I was fine with it simply because I knew it was coming. And I did know it was coming. But why does that necessarily mean I’m okay with it? Because I’m starting to think maybe I’m not.

I have a lot more to say about all of this but I’m trying to keep things positive around here, at least right now. Because I just can’t deal with another post rambling off into another sad abyss.

Only one more day until Thanksgiving AND I have Friday off! I definitely need this little four day vacation since I haven’t had one since June when I was sick and it pretty much sucked. I may actually brave the crowds for the first time in years on Black Friday to go shopping for some baby clothes for a certain close friend of mine in HK 🙂

Hm, four days in a row of not waking up at 4am. What a luxury!

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /

also for the record

the wingless one / October 19, 2010 / No comments

I am trying not to be a total douche and suggested to Paul that we go pick out something for his friend’s baby this weekend so he can bring it with him on his Asia trip and give it to them in person.

If you’re wondering why I’m not going with on the whirlwind tour of Asia, the reason is twofold: 1) I don’t travel well to begin with and am still sort of recovering from the summer and 2) the trip was planned right after I found out about my promotion so I wasn’t about to ask for two weeks off!  Yeah, so he’s going without me…with his parents actually…which is why I’m not completely heartbroken to not be going.  His mom and I have had our differences, but have mostly put them behind us…still I think two weeks would be pushing it!

Okay, done rambling now…

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /

and i was doing so well…

the wingless one / October 4, 2010 / 3 comments

I think that for the most part I’ve been coping with things pretty well. The new job role has helped a lot since it has given me other stuff to focus my on (like my alarm buzzing at 4am!)).

I may have mentioned this in passing before, but I don’t think I’ve ever really let on just how addicted to the infertility blog community I have become over the past few years. Pretty much around the time Paul and I got engaged. I did not need to be psychic to know that this probably wasn’t going to go for us the way it does for a “normal” couple.

One thing that has always jumped out at me is how painful other people’s happiness has become to the majority of these women, at least in relation to the subject of procreation. I admit it, I kind of judged them at first (okay, maybe a part of me still does) because that’s such a jerk move right? After all, this isn’t some zero-sum game, a baby for someone else doesn’t take away from your ability to have one too.

But, while I still don’t agree with the ones who insist on calling every woman that has the audacity to get pregnant a “smug b*tch,” I am starting to realize that the reason it has always bugged me so much is that I kind of get them and I’m scared to death of that becoming my reality too.

A few days after my nephrologist told me it would probably be better if I never got pregnant one of my best friends in the world shared with me that she was pregnant. I was almost shocked at how truly excited and happy for her I felt, how joyful, because honestly after reading all these blogs for so long I really didn’t know how I would be reacting deep down inside. I was afraid that dealing with my own struggles would make me unable to feel 100% happy for someone else.

I can’t say what will happen if the years keep passing and Paul and I make no progress towards growing our own family, but for now I’m actually fine with the pregnancy announcements (three so far) and hanging out with our friends children and I still genuinely enjoy talking to people about their babies, pregnancies, etc. It’s actually really bizarre, but it’s the random adorable little families or pregnant bellies that make me jealous and kind of upset.

Except the other day, Paul hit me with a double whammy – his childhood best friend (the one who bailed on being a groomsmen the WEEK of our wedding, did I ever tell that story here?) had knocked up some chick and had just become a father. I knew without asking that he had not married her and I haven’t confirmed this but if I had to guess, I’d say the girl is probably on the younger side (probably just a year or two north of legal is my educated opinion). This is a guy who once had a conversation with me about why a man might decide to get married and have kids knowing full well he will not be faithful to his wife (“Because he wants the kids and the woman at home to raise them!”).

Sigh.

For some reason, that one hurt. I could feel myself tearing up. In my new seat. At work. With a desk full of men. Yeah, as a woman in a man’s world, you generally want to avoid crying (and talking about your period) at all costs. So I did manage to pull myself together in a few quick seconds but it still irritates the crap out of me when I think that HE is a father already and who knows when Paul will be one.

And I hate that I feel this way, because I actually don’t dislike the guy. Sure, I may think he’s a bit of a sleazeball (let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t want him dating my sister) but he’s always been nice and respectful towards me (except flaking on the wedding). And I think Paul actually feels more “brotherly” towards him than his actual brother, so I guess that makes him like a pseudo-brother-in-law.

Like I said, I know that in reality I have no reason to feel upset over the pregnancy-birth announcement. On a rational level I know that I am being a huge asshole and should probably quit moping over it and send a gift or at least acknowledge that the birth of a child who even if unplanned, is wanted and loved, is a GOOD thing. But on an emotional level? I just can’t quit feeling sorry for myself and kind of hating him. Just a little bit.

Category: Baby talk /

these conversations always play out differently in my head

the wingless one / August 26, 2010 / 2 comments

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

You know the one I’m talking about.

The one who is never happy with what she has going on today.

The one who is always looking ahead. The one who is always thinking, if only…[fill in the blank]…then I could be really happy.

Years ago, when I was still living in LA, my favorite pastor gave a sermon about this. How it’s easy to fall into the trap of always wanting The Next Thing, forgetting what we already have and have already achieved. Forgetting that yesterday we swore up and down that if only we could have Something We Have Today But Didn’t Have Yesterday, then we would be content.

Right before Paul and I got engaged, I can actually remember thinking to myself, once Paul and I get married, then I will be completely happy. And when I had just come back from France and was looking for a job and was kind of freaking out over it and I thought, if only I could find a decent job, then I’ll be set.

Well, obviously, I lied to myself.

Not to say I’m not 100% happy in my marriage (because I seriously could not ask for a better husband and I must say I’m pretty good at this whole being married thing!) but no, it was not a magic bullet. It did not suddenly make me a beacon of peace and contentment. It kind of suddenly made me start thinking about other things I wanted…like babies.

(And I’m not even going to go into the whole job thing because I’ve already written extensively about how conflicted I feel towards that nowadays).

Anyway, I just kind of can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to feel like my life won’t be complete until I have, whatever, fill in the blank.

Except.

The blank right now is a baby and maybe this is always what I tell myself, but it feels like it makes sense to feel this way about having a baby. Because I mean, isn’t that always what people say? That they weren’t complete until they had their children, that you won’t understand until you have your own?

And evolution has coded it into our DNA to desperately want children right? And evolution is logical, therefore this feeling must also be logical…

Sigh.

Clearly, I’m still that person.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /
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