transcended.net

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

You know the one I’m talking about.

The one who is never happy with what she has going on today.

The one who is always looking ahead. The one who is always thinking, if only…[fill in the blank]…then I could be really happy.

Years ago, when I was still living in LA, my favorite pastor gave a sermon about this. How it’s easy to fall into the trap of always wanting The Next Thing, forgetting what we already have and have already achieved. Forgetting that yesterday we swore up and down that if only we could have Something We Have Today But Didn’t Have Yesterday, then we would be content.

Right before Paul and I got engaged, I can actually remember thinking to myself, once Paul and I get married, then I will be completely happy. And when I had just come back from France and was looking for a job and was kind of freaking out over it and I thought, if only I could find a decent job, then I’ll be set.

Well, obviously, I lied to myself.

Not to say I’m not 100% happy in my marriage (because I seriously could not ask for a better husband and I must say I’m pretty good at this whole being married thing!) but no, it was not a magic bullet. It did not suddenly make me a beacon of peace and contentment. It kind of suddenly made me start thinking about other things I wanted…like babies.

(And I’m not even going to go into the whole job thing because I’ve already written extensively about how conflicted I feel towards that nowadays).

Anyway, I just kind of can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to feel like my life won’t be complete until I have, whatever, fill in the blank.

Except.

The blank right now is a baby and maybe this is always what I tell myself, but it feels like it makes sense to feel this way about having a baby. Because I mean, isn’t that always what people say? That they weren’t complete until they had their children, that you won’t understand until you have your own?

And evolution has coded it into our DNA to desperately want children right? And evolution is logical, therefore this feeling must also be logical…

Sigh.

Clearly, I’m still that person.