So, clearly, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind when I wrote that last post. In fact, basically all weekend I was sort of prepared to ease myself into a familiar rut of nostalgia and moping for no other reason than, I felt like it. I wanted to let myself be depressed.
And I only just now sort of had an epiphany about the whole thing…
Funny, isn’t it, how I chose to fixate on something in my past (that didn’t pan out as I expected it to) which has absolutely no effect on my future (or present, for that matter).
I did not, however, choose to think at all about the visit with Dr. Kidney last Wednesday.
He didn’t say anything earth-shattering, I’ve been around all of this long enough that I generally have a pretty good idea of what the protocol is for the me.ds I’m on. The long and the short of it is that it will be at least another year before I will be tapered completely off and three months after that before they recommend we officially “pull the goalie.” The caveat to all of this, of course being if everything goes smoothly. I could tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t really expect the outcome to be any different, but he’s said that from the beginning so, again, it wasn’t a surprise.
It still sucks to hear.
And it still sucks when you get the distinct impression that your doctors are trying not to hurt your feelings.
Somehow I managed to completely disengage myself from the conversation and act as if I was fine with it simply because I knew it was coming. And I did know it was coming. But why does that necessarily mean I’m okay with it? Because I’m starting to think maybe I’m not.
I have a lot more to say about all of this but I’m trying to keep things positive around here, at least right now. Because I just can’t deal with another post rambling off into another sad abyss.
Only one more day until Thanksgiving AND I have Friday off! I definitely need this little four day vacation since I haven’t had one since June when I was sick and it pretty much sucked. I may actually brave the crowds for the first time in years on Black Friday to go shopping for some baby clothes for a certain close friend of mine in HK 🙂
Hm, four days in a row of not waking up at 4am. What a luxury!
[…] help that at this point I’ve analyzed my own state of my mind so much that I know precisely why (something which I still plan to elaborate on at a later date […]