Remember a couple of posts ago when I revealed the fact that Paul and I are currently in escrow for our very first place? A place, I should note, which is located here in the city in which we currently live.
Um, yeah. I might be interviewing for a position. Located in L.A. Which is like 350 miles south of the condo we are currently in escrow for.
I am a genius, I know.
What is the Universe trying to tell me? This morning (after last night’s extreme navel gazing) I got a phone call from a potential employer. Except it went straight to voicemail and I decided to wait until after an appointment, after work, to call her back. And she didn’t answer. So I left a sort of rambling message and was like, uh, so sorry to call you so late (it was 4:30pm) but if I don’t hear back from you tonight, I’ll try again tomorrow! (I know, not needy at all right?)
And now since it’s almost 7pm I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow to speak with her, if I ever hear from her again after that ridiculous message.
Tonight would be a long night except for my little friend…Ambien.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. – Henry David Thoreau
It’s sad, isn’t it, how true it is? Lately, I feel like it’s becoming very true of my own life. I wake up every morning and think to myself, really? This is my life? How did I get here? What am I doing? Where am I going?
Not to say, my life isn’t blessed in many ways. As someone reminded me the other day, I have a wonderful husband which on most days is a salve for most of what pains me. I have amazingly supportive parents, family, extended family. I have known my best friends in the world for more years of my life than I have not known them. That is pretty incredible, isn’t it? While my job mostly leaves me unfulfilled, I do have a job, which as I keep reminding myself, is also pretty incredible. My health could be better, but mostly it seems to be okay, which is definitely better than the alternative.
And yet…the second part of the quote rings true as well.
What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.
There are obviously things in my life that I am not happy about. Am I doing enough to change them? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just too comfortable, resigned to the idea that because of all I have, I should not continue to expect more. Sometimes I do feel that way, like when you’ve been blessed with so much, it’s ungrateful to feel like somehow, it’s just not enough.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Except…that I do feel resigned to a life of quiet desperation at this moment in time. Whatever that means.
Does anyone have a cupcake? Preferrably chocolate. Thanks.
Ugh. I’m still not happy with everything the way it is right now but I don’t have FTP access on my laptop and am too lazy to go on Paul’s computer right this second so I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up for now. It’s weird but designing my blog has always been one of those things that brings out the extreme control-freakish-perfectionist-OCD-ness in me and not having complete control over this thing is driving me nuts. Does it bug anyone else that it says “TAGS” at the bottom of this post even though nothing is tagged? Well, I’m only a little bit ashamed to say it bugs the holy beejezus out of me. Based on how many times I redesigned the site during college (which I discovered as I backed up my site for the FIRST TIME EVER IN 10 YEARS this weekend) I must have spent a LOT of hours tweaking code rather than studying. Quelle surprise.
Anyway, onto more important matters.
I’ve been keeping a secret from you dear Internet. And before you ask let me just say, no I am not gestating anything.
But, we are currently in escrow for a place here in the city. I haven’t wanted to say anything because you may remember what happened last time I thought we were moving. This time definitely feels more “right” somehow. Like when you finally meet “the one” and you’re like oh, cool, the idea of getting married doesn’t make me want to jump out of a window. We’re just waiting on our loan to get approved and that will pretty much be that. Hopefully it ends up being as easy as I just made it sound.
Anyway, the new place is about 2x times bigger than our current (studio) apartment, which actually now seems to be shrinking. A couple weeks ago the powers that be came in to change the electrical panel and we were thus commanded to remove everything from our closet. Holy cow people, do you know how much CRAP we had in that closet?! Neither did I – until it was all over our apartment and I literally had to clear a space on the bed so we could go to bed that night. And since then we have moved a lot of things back into the closet but a lot of the boxes are just kind of sitting there. In the middle of the room. Where we used to walk. And I keep kicking things and tripping on wires and everytime I do it makes the thought of paying almost 3x our rent in mortgage payments almost bearable.
Almost.
So I guess you might have noticed something happened to my blog. I don’t even really know where to begin suffice to say I’ve spent most of my weekend dealing with this crap and I don’t even know why since I have this little test that people normally study a year for and it’s in four weeks and I have yet to crack a book. Oh. Yeah. That’s probably why (procrastination). Except I totally and completely blame blogger for this since they disabled all FTP functionality and yes they did send me many emails reminding this was happening but for some strange reason I thought it didn’t apply to me. Until, I went to go post something on May 1, and oh. Look at that. I post using FTP after all. Ha.
I thought about just not posting for a month or so until after my test, but then I was like, how will I bitch to the Internet about how much studying I have to do which I’m not doing? Clearly, getting myself back up and running is an absolute must.
And then, of course, I find out WordPress pretty much doesn’t let you use customized templates you have to find something that exists and basically hack into it which is what I’ve sort of done a haphazard job of, the result of which you see here. Obviously I have to redesign but I’ve put my foot down (with myself?) and am NOT going to let myself do that until after June 5.
So that’s what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. I do still have all my archives saved and at first was all excited because WordPress was like “migrate your archives with a touch of a button!” but then, blogger must have found out I was leaving it because it was like, “you’re dead to me save your archives the old fashioned way.” Sigh.