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I suppose, now that it’s actually here, that it’s time to dedicate a few words to 2011.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m not really one for new year resolutions.  To be frank, I think they’re bullshit because there’s no need to wait until January 1st to do the things that are important to you.  No one is stopping any of us from making self-improvements on a year-round basis, so why the emphasis on a new year? 

That said, I suppose the act of changing the calendar, replacing twelve months of your past with twelve blank pages, inevitably causes most of us to pause and reflect on where we’ve been and where we might be going.

I’ve certainly been putting forth an admirable effort on the whole “looking back”-front, and don’t worry there are still a couple drafts just waiting to be finished, but I do recognize the futility of it all and that it really would be more productive to start thinking about how I can improve my life so that I can actually feel…

Hm.

I don’t really know how to finish that sentence. 

And maybe that is one of the first things I should start trying to figure out in 2011. 

In order to conform to the standards of this holiday – I made a list.

They’re not resolutions.

They’re aspects of my life that I’m going to work on this year.  Areas with some feasible room for improvement, if you will.

1. Exercise: 30 minutes per day during the week on the treadmill.  Nothing strenuous, perhaps a light jog at the most.  My rheumy also recommended some light weight-training (prolonged stero.id treatment is a risk factor for bone-density issue) so maybe I will give that a shot too.
2. Diet-changes:  Completely cut out dairy and red-meat for at least 30-days (and partaking only on rare occassions after that).  After I stopped drinking soda during Lent I stopped wanting it and I’m hoping it will be the same way, but I’m not sure I will ever stop craving cheese…or butter…But if it really does help improve the lupus it will be worth it and the evidence, it seems, is piling up that dairy and red-meat can cause auto-immune related flare ups.  So I have to at least try it right?  I do question my committment to this one as I have never been very good with limiting myself when it comes to food…I have such a naturally fickle appetite that eating anything is usually preferrable to the alternative (me choosing not to eat even if I am hungry, which I have apparently done since toddlerhood).  Figuring out how to avoid certain foods without avoiding food altogether is going to be tricky. 
3. Weight:  Before the stero.ids I was tiny.  Honestly, I was probably a little too skinny, but I didn’t really mind because I knew it wasn’t in a bad way.  Other than right before college when I looked anorexic but was not anorexic…it was merely that my life did seem to be sort of spiraling out of control and so I controlled the only thing I felt I could and stopped being hungry…for months.  This is something that happens when I am stressed, which may explain why I haven’t really had much of an appetite in weeks.  And I suppose it complicates my desire to lose weight in a healthy way when I am currently pretty much just starving myself.  Not in a malicious way, but I simply feel sick when I try to eat.  But anyway, that was not the point of this.  The point is I want to lose 10lbs, which is what I feel my personal healthy weight should be.  I know that I’m not currently overweight, but I also know that I’m not really comfortable with my body as it currently is.  I’ve been pretty lucky with the weight gain (I’ve heard horror stories of people gaining up to 100lbs, even naturally small people…can you imagine??) but still the stero.ids have done what they do overtime…I’m hoping that now that I’m on a fairly low dose that #1 and #2 will make losing it fairly straightforward.  Still unclear how to eat enough to have enough energy for #1 though…I am determined to somehow start doing this in a healthy way though I have unsurprisingly already been starting to see more encouraging numbers when I step on the scale.  Starving yourself (and also that week of fever, nausea and vomiting) is certainly a proven way of losing weight but I do understand how it is counter-productive in the longrun so I need to force myself to eat.  Maybe keep healthy snacks around the house that are “easy” to eat even when you are not exactly hungry.  Fresh, raw veggies and fruits perhaps… 
4. Stop rambling.   Ha, just kidding, that’s never going to happen.
5. Seriously pursue TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) like acupuncture and herbal remedies. 
6. Complete at least one semester of volunteering, even if the kid I’m tutoring doesn’t bother to hide his contempt for reading (and by extension, me).  I contacted the volunteer coordinator and am just waiting for her to let me know which day of the week they need me.  I’m hoping I get a younger student this time (1st/2nd grade) because I think by 5th grade if you hate reading it’s a little too late already…A girl would be nice too, I know it’s cliche, but all the girls really did seem so much more well-behaved than most of the boys.  No matter what the situation ends up being, even if I get another little wise-ass that’s way too smart to be struggling with basic reading, I think I can do better than last time.   
7. Don’t make excuses for avoiding opportunities to help a stranger.  I must admit, this is really hard sometimes.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what you can do, where you can even begin to try to help.  Just before Christmas there was a man sleeping outside of our building.  My first reaction, as a new homeowner, was annoyance, but then I felt bad.  It was cold outside.  He was there two nights in a row, the two right before Christmas Eve and both nights part of me was whispering that this was a chance to do something.  But what?  The only thing I could think of was to perhaps offer him a blanket.  But something held me back.  I kept telling myself, he’s not asking for anything, would I actually be insulting him?  Would it seem trite?  Finally, I told myself that if he was still there on Christmas Eve, I didn’t care, I would give him one of our spare blankets or sleeping bags.  But he was gone.  Part of me was relieved, hoping that he had found somewhere warm to sleep, perhaps permanently (he didn’t look like a bum, I actually almost didn’t notice him at first, I thought he was just waiting for someone to come out of the office next door, it wasn’t until I still saw him hanging around a few hours later and noticed he was setting up camp that I realized he was sleeping there).  San Francisco has good shelters for the homeless, long-term shelters for people who are willing to sign pledges against drug and alcohol use, I was guessing he might be a good candidate for one of those.  But honestly, part of me was also pretty relieved that I didn’t have to actually see if I’d have the guts to go down there and give him the blanket as I promised myself I would.  I never really know what to do in those situations when help is not actually asked for…it was a lot easier, for example, when we were driving back from LA after Christmas and there was an old man with a limp and a clunker of a car at the gas station asking people for gas money.  Money is easy, but sometimes it feels cheap, like I’m trying to buy my salvation.
8. Speaking of salvation, I think with all the recent soul-searching it’s definitely time to get serious about finding a church.  And actually joining a small group.  Finding people who will hold me (and Paul) accountable and actually focus on developing our relationship with God as individuals and as a couple.  2010 was a year of spiritual stagnancy, I don’t want 2011 to be more of the same.  I have been putting this off because the idea of socializing after work is almost unfathomable, but I know that it’s what I need.  That it will undoubtedly make me feel better. 
9. Make more of an effort to keep in touch with people.  It’s so easy to come home after 10-12 hours at a desk where you have ZERO privacy (and I can literally stretch out my arm and touch each of my neighbors shoulders) and just be glad to be completely alone.  I have to look at 300+ bloomberg messages every day, not to mention emails and answering phone calls.  Sometimes I just don’t want to read another message.  Don’t want to respond anymore.  Don’t want to pick up one more call.  At the end of the day, it feels so nice to just be left alone.  But it’s not healthy.  I have awesome friends and I like hanging out with them.  I need to have some sort of life outside of work.
10. Start reading for fun again.  And playing the piano. 

I could go on.  Probably for pages and pages.  But I’ll leave it at that for now because the day is almost over, I’m tired, and honestly the list is starting to get overwhelming as it is. 

The one thing I really want in 2011 is the one thing I will not put on a list because it’s ultimately out of my hands so there’s no point in frustrating myself by seeing it there, never knowing if or when I’ll be able to check it off the list. 

Anyway, hope you all had a happy new year!  Paul and I spent it at home watching Dexter with champagne, caviar and salametti from Molinari’s!  We forgot to celebrate on eastern time and were passed out by midnight pacific time but it was a lot more fun than it sounds.