** Moocow. The word almost came up this morning like so much vomit after a night of bad choices. Not sure where it came from, or why, it’s actually something I had completely forgotten about until I caught myself swallowing the suddenly re-emerged reflex to use it in such an easy manner. Realize this whole little bullet point probably made no sense at all, but to be fair, the whole thing doesn’t make sense to me either. Why did this word pop into my head today after so long? Not really sure.
** Tonight I’m tagging along to a client dinner. Have I mentioned how much of a fan I am NOT of those? And yes, I do realize that this makes being in sales a tad more challenging than it already is. I was actually given every opportunity to decline but since it’s probably good for my career or something (bah!) I forced myself into accepting the invite. My reason for not wanting to go to these things are usually twofold: 1) Client dinners typically mean late nights (and too much booze), which is really no bueno when you have to be in the office by 4:30am. I am usually okay on the booze part since I am the master of drink-nursing, but the lack of sleep part always, always hurts like a mofo…and 2) Have I ever mentioned how socially awkward I can be?  Particularly around the demographic that our client base tends to fall in (white males in their mid-30’s to 40’s, upper-middle to upper class, mostly married with kids).  I just don’t know what I’m supposed to talk about with them, and as someone who hates silences in conversations? That’s a problem. Because I tend to try to fill those silences with incredibly dumb, awkward statements that often have no bearing at all to the conversation at hand.   No matter how often I tell myself to just stay quiet, I can’t seem to help myself.
** I have pretty much been completely failing to exercise, but I’ve been steadily losing weight anyway. I’m actually at my “goal” weight already, but now that I’m here, I still don’t quite feel like myself yet. Or quite look it, for that matter. So I’m thinking maybe five more?  You know, now that I think about it, since I’m not actively doing anything to lose weight it probably doesn’t even matter what “goals” I set anyway. What will be, will be. I do think I look and feel much better though I’m a little worried that I’m going to become malnourished soon. I try to force myself to at least eat a little something three times a day and get all the different food groups involved, so hopefully that’s enough. Note to self, start taking a multi-vitamin…
** I don’t know when, but a day is coming (I hope) when I will write a real post. One with multiple paragraphs that all at least make a pitiful attempt to be connected to one another.
** It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. This should really be one of those things that deserves more than a bullet point, but since we don’t know if the aforementioned coming day is coming this week….bullet point will have to suffice. Infertility has always been a weird word for me. I don’t really know where I fit into it all. I don’t know if I’m infertile, only that my doctors don’t want me to try. I don’t know if my body is capable of sustaining itself and a pregnancy at the same time, it may well be, but it also may very well not be. And would that make me infertile anyway? Or still just a lupie? And even if I did fit the definition of infertility, I still don’t really feel like I completely belong to the “infertile” world – at least not as it exists in the blogosphere. I don’t get their posts about TTC (trying to conceive) or their procedures or drugs (except the ones related to auto-immune issues). I don’t understand cysts and follicles and retrievals and shots, I read about how they feel about being “benched” for a cycle and realize I’m not in the same world as them. They are benched for a month or two, longer perhaps for the unlucky ones? I’m benched indefinitely. On the upside (?), I read their posts about hope and failure month after month and I don’t get that either.  I really don’t feel much hope about my situation in the short term (i.e. I don’t start to feel hopeful if my period is late) mostly I just feel the failure.  Lots and lots of failure. But I can see how it would be painful to have your hopes up time and time again only to have them crushed. I did feel that last summer, my attempt at trying to try to conceive I guess.
** Need to sneak in a quick nap now…