Remember that thing I was saying about never being happy? I now have another great example of that.
I am seriously driving myself nuts here.
For the past two years I’ve done nothing but whine about how mindless my job is. (With the caveat, of course, that I know it is a very good job and I’m very well compensated compared to anything else I could be doing…basically I have no right to complain, not in this economy!). I’ve made it pretty clear in all my reviews and meetings with higher ups that my goal was to move out of the operations group and into the front office but I was really starting to feel resigned to the fact that it was never going to happen.
And then it happened.
Or apparently, will be happening if all goes according to the plan that’s been laid out for me. And it sounds like it will be happening quickly.
To be honest, I think I’m still kind of in shock over the whole thing. I am really excited because I really haven’t done anything new at work on a day to day basis in over two years and from what I remember, I like being challenged, right? Right?? I hope so anyway.
Commence freakout.
I’ve been stuck in a rut at work for the past two years but I have to admit now that it was a comfortable rut. And maybe there is a secret part of me that has grown sort of fond of the rut. And resigned to the fact that I was stuck and trying to see the bright side of it.
That same part of me is now causing panic attacks fueled by wondering about whether I can handle the hours, the scrutiny, the pressure of learning by being thrown into the deep end…I feel too old for this even though I’m probably not.
I think at the end of the day I just need to have a little more faith in myself. I’m not a natural sales person by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I do have the ability for this and for so many reasons this is the perfect time to transition. If this had happened a few months earlier I’m not sure what I would have done about all the doctors visits. Or if I had gotten that job in LA (right after we closed on our condo!)…yikes that would have been a mess. This allows me to basically transition into a better role while working with people who already know me. I really couldn’t ask for more, so why do I continue to let these self-doubts and fears plague me. I wish I could be one of those people who wasn’t constantly mired in insecurity and fear of failure.
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. Clearly, I’m very effed in the head.