transcended.net

For the past few weeks I’ve been avoiding writing here.

When I’m honest with myself, it’s because I’m ashamed of the feelings and thoughts I would be immortalizing in some small way. And even if I did decide to talk about them here, I’m not sure I could be as honest as I would want/need to be because of who I know is reading. I’ve even thought about scrapping this place and just starting all over again. A fresh. completely anonymous, start would be nice in so many ways. But I won’t. Because I’m scared of change.

(For anyone out there who might be thinking the paragraph above was directed at them…trust me…it’s probably not. This is really probably not what you think it’s about at all, I promise.)

As such, the post that follows may seem a bit cryptic but that’s because it’s meant to be.

Recently I’ve been participating in one of the more pointless exercises there is – revisiting old wounds (all in the confines of my very own head!). Because really? What could be more fun.

I’ve been finding myself wondering if this is simply a loose-end that will never truly feel put away. If it’s something that I will always allow to hurt me even though I am happy. Even if I know things turned out better.

I’m wondering if I actually like how it makes me feel. Broken. Rejected. Hurt. Maybe it validates what I already feel about myself and that’s why there is something so bizarrely comfortable about feeling like I’m not good enough. And thinking the worst of myself.

Life has been kind of good lately, and perhaps I don’t know what to do with that, so I revert to what I do know.

There is more than just the hurt though, and I think that is really what has always made it so much harder to move completely past.

But what if I’m reliving this shit because even though life appears good right now, I need an outlet for all this fucked-up brokenness I’m feeling inside. I feel like I have no right to complain, and yet I still want to. I have so much. A wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a successful (new) career. I’m scared to think about what’s missing, about how much it eats at me, so maybe instead I think about the last thing I can remember that really hurt. Sort of like pricking your finger when you have a headache. Hoping to use pain to distract from pain.

I swear, I’ve never been a cutter.

And with that, this is what I’m trying hard to make myself believe these days…

You Are More – Tenth Avenue North

There’s a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered
And the shame she can’t hide

She says, How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was
And I’m crippled by the fear
That I’ve fallen too far to love

But don’t you know who you are?
What has been done for you?
Yeah, don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You’ve been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling
That it’s not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she’s rehearsed all the lines
And so she’ll try to do better
But then she’s too weak to try

But don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You’ve been remade

Cause this is not about what you’ve done
But what’s been done for you
This is not about where you’ve been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
What He felt to make you loved

You are more than the choices that you’ve made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You’ve been remade