transcended.net

Perhaps I am merely stating the obvious at this point.

I am depressed.

I just can’t get my head in the right place.

It doesn’t even help that at this point I’ve analyzed my own state of my mind so much that I know precisely why (something which I still plan to elaborate on at a later date TBD).

I still can’t help torturing myself with the past. I still can’t get myself to focus on what’s really bothering me, can’t even think about it at all really. As much as old ghosts still seem to haunt me, the uncertainty of the future must hurt more.

Anyway, today, it all just clicked in my mind. Barely eating. Waking up every night around 1-2am and only kind of sleeping the rest of the way til 4am (I go to bed around 9pm so it is 4-5hrs but I’m the type that needs at least seven solid hours of sleep to feel rested). Tearing up all the time, over pretty much anything (including inappropriate times when I am surrounded by people men at work, luckily I’m pretty sure no one has noticed yet).

I actually considered looking up a good therapist – but I don’t know if I’m quite there yet. It’s hypocritical I know, because I’m always recommending that other people try counseling, but I don’t know. I don’t like to talk about my feelings. Period. It makes me uncomfortable. I guess I’m kind of a dude like that. And that’s why ultimately, I’ve never made it past the first couple appointments before finding some reason to never schedule the next one.

In a weird way, I think that’s why I’ve continued to blog all this time. It’s a way for me to send these thoughts out into the world without ever knowing where they end up. Like digital messages-in-a-bottle, if you will.

Besides, like I said, I’ve already figured out what’s really driving all these feelings, what I’m really upset over. What I need to know is how to now FORCE myself to process that, rather than continuing to obsess over the other thing. Because I really don’t like how I feel right now and it’s probably not great for my health (especially the crappy sleep since that inevitably triggers joint pain). The sooner I start to deal with this the sooner I can (hopefully) um, deal with it.