processing

I wanted to make this post a good one. Positive. Grateful. Optimistic.

But I just can’t right now.

Today was not a bad day. I woke up to a lovely breakfast of truffle crab ramen noodles. Picked up some organic fruits from the farmer’s market down the street. Mocked hubby relentlessly for his resuable shopping bag with a baguette peeking out the top. Got a pedi downstairs with the hubs. Finished cleaning out all my clothes from the old apartment.

Then took a nice three hour nap.

But I spent far too many minutes of the day staring off into space. Trying not to cry. Thinking about the future and the current and all the things I could have done differently. Wondering, why me? Wondering if I will ever be a mother. Knowing that I am not even close to accepting the fact that I may not be. I imagine all of this would cut so much more if I were a few years older and was faced with the reality that time was running out in more ways than one. I am still trying to figure out what to grieve at this point and how to. How much grieving vs how much hope to pour into this. I’m leaning towards hope for now, grief perhaps we can save for later. But preferrably not.

The breathing issue is still frightening. When I woke up from my nap today I was having sharp chest pains, I rolled over and they went away which leads me to believe they were just gas pains. But still, it’s weird to wonder at what point gas pains could be ER worthy pains and to have no clue where the line gets drawn. The hubby asks me what’s wrong everythime I take a deep breath because he thinks I’m sighing. Nope, just trying to fill these darned lungs with some air is all.

everything falls

Where do I begin? Do I start with all the small, good things I have found the ability to be thankful for? Do I begin with the feeling of complete and utter failure and disappointment in my body? Or do I talk about how I’m not sure anymore what to do next.

I suppose I could just talk about the fact that my arms sort of resemble those of an IV drug user since I’ve had six different needles stabbed into various parts of my arms over the last seven days. Did I ever mention how much I hate needles? I managed to successfully avoid all blood tests for twelve years and then karma bit me in the ass and I’ve had too many to count in the last five and a half (!) years.

How do I feel? I still feel like crap. My anemia is not getting worse but it’s not improving at this point either so I am teetering at the edge of “blood transfusion” territory. I’m really hoping to avoid that if at all possibile (see: fear of blood and needles) and my doc is optimistic that my current treatments will work at slowly bumping my numbers back to where they should be. Being aware of just how anemic I am is oddly comforting because it makes me understand why I’ve been so completely exhausted and the brain fog I’ve been experiencing these last few weeks. I thought I was just losing my mind, it’s kind of nice to know there’s a biological reason for it.

In the coming weeks I’m going to have to carefully balance my health with my career. I am at an interesting stage at work. I have proven myself, I am starting to be given small opportunities. I’m not sure how the inevitable sick days or leave-work-early for doc appt days are going to affect all this but I guess I can’t be overly concerned about that right now. If I don’t have my health, my career won’t last long anyway. It’s just hard to have worked so long and hard for something and to have your own pathetic health be the thing that gets in the way.

But I’m trying not to think of it that way. Next post will be dedicated to all the things I’m grateful for despite all this.

This was the first song of the three that set me off the other day. I really don’t think I could get through times like these without a belief in a loving, Heavenly Father. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Fee – Everything Falls

You said
You’d never leave or forsake me
You said
This life is gonna shake me
You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

When I see
Darkness all around me
When I see
Tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
Still I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
When my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

Sorrow will last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
It’s rising with the sun
There will be storms in this life
But I know You have overcome
You have overcome

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You’re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

endure

I just wanted to say, I’m having a really hard time processing everything that’s going on right now. I am so tired. I’m physically uncomfortable. I’m on the precipice of falling into a dark, dingy, pit of depression. It’s literally hard to breath sometimes (which by the way, is scary as hell).

Thank God that I have Friday, Monday and Tuesday all off from work. It would probably have been a good time to be in the office and take advantage of some opportunities for growth but sadly I can’t even think about that right now. I just have to phsyically get better and somehow I don’t think work contributes much to that (beyond the kickass medical insu.rance).

Can I admit something here? I cried on the way to the doctors on Tuesday. I cried really hard as I drove myself down the freeway. It was the music that set me off…

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man’s wake?
Walk a mile with a woman who’s body is torn
With illness, but she marches on

But our hope endures
Through the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

That was actually the third song which set me off. I will save the other two for another post because they’re good in and of themselves. Paul and I were supposed to go to Seattle this weekend but it seems like that may not be happening if I can’t fly. If not, I hope we can spend the weekend doing nothing but enjoying each other company. I just need some quiet time. I need to not feel like the complete and utter failure that I am. Or maybe I just need to be really fucking depressed and cry my eyeballs out about how life is fucking unfair. Maybe. Maybe not.

the one where I end up in the ER

On the BART today, on my way to my regularly scheduled bi-monthly doc appt, I was mulling over a post about bitterness. It was going to be great. It’s still something I’m probably going to write about at some point because I find it absolutely fascinating. It’s completely useless and yet so many have mastered the art of bitterness with such ease.

Anyway.

Long story short, this post is actually about how my doctor hit the panic button as I rode the BART home from my appointment and I eventually ended up spending my evening in the ER. It’s never a good thing when you have two voicemails from two different doctors telling you to get thyself to an ER right quick and when one of those doctors leaves his personal cell phone number and tells you to call him back. Also bad when your doctor tells you he spoke with the Urgent Care clinic and they don’t feel comfortable having you come in because you should really just go to the ER. Like now. Are you still standing there? Go!

I admit it, I let myself cry a very little bit and thought to myself, good Lord am I going to die or something? Doctors have a very fine line to walk with conveying a sense of urgency and not totally freaking your patients out.

But anyway, it turned out okay. After an EKG, chest x-rays, copious amounts of blood drawn (which involved an IV being inserted into my arm – by the way you’d think after all the needles I’ve endured over the last five years I’d be used to them? But no, not so much) and some nasty medicine that is still doing things to my stomach (and toilet) that you do NOT want to know about, I was sent home with strict orders to “not exert myself” and follow up with my regular docs in the morning. And also of course, to come back if I felt like I was going to, you know, die or anything.

Which I don’t seem to be doing. So that’s good. And in the spirit of not dying, here’s a list of things I’m thankful for today:

- Calm, supportive, wonderful husband who did not feed my panic but also did not let me write off the seriousness of the situation by blowing off the docs instrux. And despite his phobia of wasting food, did not bat an eye about the Costco pack of yogurt which spoiled in our trunk since he didn’t want to waste 30min of speeding to the hospital time to go home and drop it off.

- I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly I was treated at the ER and the staff was wonderful. I was seen immediately and was released in about three hours. This is the first trip to the ER that I can remember (I think I went once as a baby when I banged my head into a table, which explains a lot) but from all the horror stories I’ve heard, it seemed like a pretty quick turnaround time.

- My parents were in the car on the way to the hospital when I called to tell them I was going home because even though I’m almost 28 years old and married, I’m still their baby. They are so sweet. When I had to stay overnight in the hospital at age 22 my mom stayed on a cot in my room with me hehe. I have no doubt she would have done it again today.

- I have health insurance.

- I still have faith that God wouldn’t give me something too big for me to handle. I don’t love the hand I’ve been dealt, but I believe there is a purpose and some kind of meaning at the end of all of this even if I don’t know what it is yet.

So I will see the specialists tomorrow and see what the next step is. Obviously things aren’t going the way I hoped but I feel blessed to have doctors who are monitoring me so closely so as to not let this thing spiral completely out of control. Prayers and good thoughts are welcome.

so typically San Francisco

I love that I can hear the church bells from my bedroom.

And the sound of the trolley bell ringing as it clatters down the street (but luckily the windows mute out the clatter part).

It’s a huge improvement over the sound of the garbage truck outside my window (at 5am) at our old apartment!

i would call it bullet point tuesday but the alliteration doesn’t really work does it?

1. I admit, bullet-point blogging is lazy blogging. But hey, I’ve got a lot of ground to cover and it is what it is. And thank you guys for commenting! I only got one spam comment after the two real ones so the ratio was pretty good.

2. We are officially living in our new home! 90% of our furniture has arrived and the cat is officially freaked the eff out. This afternoon I came home and found her wrapped up so tight inside the blanket on our bed I actually have no clue how she got herself in there. Cat hatez here. But we like it. It’s bizarre having this much space (went from 500sqft the last three years to 1200+sqft), we have more storage than we know what to do with. Is it weird that one of the things I’m most excited about is having my very own laundry room? I haven’t had one in unit for ten years now. I’ve done three loads with gusto. I’m sure the novelty will wear off soon.

3. So far I am not loving the stairs. The arthritis in my knees has been flaring up and I feel (and look) like an old lady as I walk up and down the stairs one painful step at a time. I think I’m going to have to start making Paul go get whatever I happen to have left up or downstairs until things get back under control in this department. Another thing I hate is our parking spot in the garage, it’s right against the wall and I just can’t do it. It took me two years to learn to park in our relatively straight forward spot at our old apartment so it’s a good thing we own this place because it may take me five to figure this one out. I’m a crappy parker, what can I say? I’m also not crazy about the fact that the grocery store is now three blocks away from us instead of just one. My life is hard, I know.

4. Damn the Celtics! You couldn’t just go ahead and win this one??? I don’t want to watch another game, I just want anyone other than the Lakers to hurry up and be crowned the champions damnit.

5. Speaking of LA…I thought my chances of getting that sort-of-dream-job in LA were slim to none after my phone interview, and I still think they are slim, but it looks like I’m not totally out of the running yet. I admit, part of me was relieved that I was pretty sure they didn’t think I was qualified what with, oh, I don’t know, the purchase of our first home in SF, but part of me was kind of crushed because, well, it is a really amazing opportunity and I sort of felt like if I wasn’t even remotely qualified for it and was rejected out of hand it would pretty much mean I’d never be qualified to do what I want to do. Which, let’s face it, is still sort of true. My job is great and all but as it stands it’s not giving me the exposure I need to the areas I need.

6. My husband is awesome. He has pretty much put this apartment together himself, everything from moving the heavy stuff around to cleaning every nook and cranny. And he cooks. And no you can’t have him, he’s mine. He does have really expensive taste and pretty much bankrupted us buying furniture, but you can’t win them all.

7. I don’t really have anything else to say right now, but I like the number 7. Which reminds me, our three year anniversary is coming up! We are not celebrating because we have a house now which means we are POOR!

ch-ch-changes

1) I’m still here…chugging along. Work was actually not the soul sucking bottomless pit of hopelessness that it typically is. Although I did get entrusted with some REAL responsibility (like seventy-five millions dollars worth) I don’t know if it will ultimately mean anything or be a serious turning point in my career. I’m still not where I want to be, but hopefully this week was a teeny step in the right direction.

2) We are in the throes of moving. Half our crap is there (new place), half our crap is here (old place). Our TV is there now – it has been a long time since I’ve been without TV. Luckily our new TV is coming to the old place tomorrow to tide us over until we move the bed over on Sunday at which point we will technically be LIVING in our home. Gosh, it seems strange to say. We have a home. Which we own. Suddenly I become nervous at the thought of scratched floors or the possibility of holes in the wall when we are moving heavy furniture. Ah the joys of homeownership.

3) My health is the big question mark right now. I had a week of horrible arthritis to the point where I was having a hard time sleeping due to the pain. Then it went away. Now I’m mainly having it in the standard places, feet, knees and hands. Something weird about my nail beds and when I consulted Dr. Google I was told that I could have liver failure…or maybe I’m just malnourished? Not very comforting and actually pointless for me to Google in lieu of actual real blood/urine labwork. I have a doctor appointment two Mondays from now so hopefully nothing catastrophic happens between now and then.

4) I have a bit of a sheepish request to make…I normally don’t like to force people into commenting, but if you are here and you wouldn’t mind commenting just once I’d really appreciate it =) I’ve received about 15 comments but they have all been for various medicines or knock off purses and so had to be thrown in the spam garbage can. It would be nice to know I had one comment that was not spam and could actually be published.

Thanks =)

role reversal

Me: This is the happiest time of your life isn’t it?

Hubby (with a big smile on his face): I spent the whole day shopping, since I dropped you off [at 8:30am] until now [5pm]. What do you think?

Me: Omg, how much did this cost me?

phone interviews are awesome

Because you can totally do them in your underwear.

UPDATE: Less awesome because the phone is not ringing when it should. Or half an hour later even. Have I been stood up?

UPDATE II: So, did not get stood up but feel like I sucked (as usual). Can I go home now?

you need a constant for the scientific method right?

Lately I feel incapable of putting thoughts into words. There are moments when I feel it’s fair to blame the brain fog, but mostly I think I’ve just lost the ability to think creatively. Or to think. Period.

Why will life not hold itself constant so that I can figure things out? I am stressed. I am tired. I am tapering my meds and I have no way of knowing how much of the pain I’m in is coming from the change in meds and how much is because I physically suck at handling stressful situations.

Even though The Big Test itself is going to suck, I feel really relieved that at least it’s almost here and will be over after this Saturday. I should be flattered that everyone seems to think I am exaggerating my lack of prepared-ness and seems to think I will pass, but it just kind of bugs me. I know I’m not prepared and I am not being humble or coy when I say I will not pass. At this point, I’m sitting for the test because I have no other choice as they don’t allow you to cancel (I checked). If I do pass, it will be sheer dumb luck, but realistically? Yeah, I’m gonna fail.

Also stressing me out has been the whole loan closing process. We FINALLY signed loan docs today, since we were supposed to have closed today that’s not entirely reassuring but at this point we figure our seller is not going to back out after approving three financing contingency extensions and one escrow date extension (which we are technically in breach of now I guess?). The underwriting process has been an exercise in incompetence, I do plan on going into more detail about which bank we were dealing with once this process is behind us and our loan is fully funded, so if you are planning on getting a mortgage anytime soon, check back in on who to avoid like the plague. Supposedly there is a chance we will fund tomorrow, but with the way things have been going, I’m not going to expect anything until Friday.

So amidst all of this my arthritis has flared up to a degree it has not been at in awhile…aaand…my blood pressure has actually gone down back towards normal-ish (still high though) levels. I don’t know what this means. I honestly don’t feel confident that my doctors will know what this means, because after five years, I just don’t have that much faith in Western medicine. Sure they are good at figuring out what’s going wrong with you, but it doesn’t seem like they have an actual solution beyond trying to control the symptoms. But that’s a whole other rant for another time.

I swear, at some point, I will quit being such a downer. Maybe once this week has passed.