“it’s that feeling that i get when i see my children smile”

the wingless one / August 14, 2013 / No comments

Titus is seven months old now.

Can you believe it? Because I can’t. He is becoming more and more of a little person every day, one with strong opinions, one who flirts with the girls at the next table over, one who is determined to put as many things as he can in his mouth all while he kick, kick, kicks his strong little legs.

He makes funny faces and squawks at us and has started blowing raspberries when he’s frustrated. He yells, “MAMAMAMA” and “DADADADADA” when he’s upset, though we’re pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything yet at this point. He is starting to be able to sit up unassisted, to pivot himself in different directions on his tummy, and he can stubbornly roll front to back but not the other way around.

He’s also finally starting to enjoy bathtime. Splashing the water. Kicking his ducks out of the tub, or smacking them, or sometimes grabbing them and shoving them in his mouth.

No matter what, no matter how tough my day has been, one little smile from him and I melt. He is worth it all, everything.

Category: Baby T /

return of the unwanted visitor?

the wingless one / August 4, 2013 / No comments

I guess we’ll see how well I know my body in short order here, but I’m fairly certain that I ovulated last week and will be getting my first postpartum period soon.

I suppose I should be glad, hopefully this means my cycle will return to predictable and reliable, hopefully this means TTC #2, when the time comes, will be as simple and straightforward as the road that led us to our lovely little T. But since we’re not quite there yet, I was really hoping to put off the return of monthly hormonal breakouts, cramping and exhaustion for a bit longer.

I’m pumping or nursing at least five or six times per day but apparently the night feeds are the most vital in holding periods at bay and those have been out of the picture for nearly two months since T started sleeping his eleven to twelve hours per night. I pump right before I leave for the office at 5am but I guess the long gap between his last feed (usually 7:00-7:30pm) is just too long and I don’t want to have to stay up late to pump one last time before bed (since my pump will only give me a letdown if it’s been at least 2hrs since his last feed). And, if the choice is between waking up in the middle of the night to pump and my period, I will take the period.

Category: Navel gazing /

pill popping

the wingless one / July 15, 2013 / No comments

I don’t think I mentioned it here but I stopped taking my meds about six weeks or so ago. I guess I just got sick of pumping and dumping and worrying over whether, despite what the neos believed, medicine was getting through my milk to T. I was doing well healthwise despite the lack of sleep and decided to take a chance at stopping my meds – even though perhaps doing so right before going back to a stressful job wasn’t the best timing.

Anyway, I hadn’t gotten my labs done for a good five month and finally went in this past weekend, feeling a bit of dread in my stomach because I spent the last week completely exhausted (despite getting acceptable amounts of sleep) and joints that were starting to feel stiff.

The good news is that my kidney numbers appear to be holding steady. My blood protein and albumin levels are still safely in the “normal” range (low would mean my kidneys are leaking). My serum (blood) creatinine is also at the upper bound of normal (whereas even before I got pregnant and was considered “healthy” it was slightly above normal). My protein/creatinine (urine) ratio is definitely high compared to the general population and even high compared to my own “healthy” numbers but nowhere near as high as my “unhealthy” numbers. I’m normally somewhere around 0.5-1 (normal population I believe is under 0.2), my value this time was 1.4, but when I have been really sick it has gone up to 3+.

So all of that taken on its own would indicate things are pretty much status quo. Yes, some disease activity is still obviously present but nothing worryingly so.

Oh, I am also surprisingly not anemic, as in all my numbers fall squarely in the “normal” range. This is unusual since I’m usually low or low normal.

Even my C3 and C4 levels (markers of autoimmune activity) are low but similar to the levels they have been in the past while I’ve been in remission (i.e. not crazy low).

The only number that I’m really concerned about is my dSdna, which IS crazy high. Like higher than the highest number I was able to go back through my records and find. This is a marker for lupus disease activity and usually indicates a high probability of kidney involvement.

I feel like this isn’t my first rodeo and I can see the writing on the wall. Although I don’t know this for sure my gut is telling me that I am seeing the beginning of a flare, one that probably hasn’t had a chance to manifest itself in any real way yet but likely will do so soon. The length of time I’ve been off my meds makes this makes sense. The fatigue and the joint stiffness (but not all out pain – yet) make this make sense.

And while I’d love to be able to stay off my meds, I’m coming to the realization that with the information I now have, the risk is actually more of a reality now. I can’t take care of my baby if I’m confined to a bed, in pain, weak from anemia and swelling so badly that I can barely stand for five minutes. It’s just not going to work.

So I’m hoping it’s not too late to stave all this off and I’ve decided to go back on my meds. I will take them at night after our last nursing session and then I will pump and dump in the morning before work. I make a lot of milk at this time (8-10oz) simply because it’s been so many hours since I last pumped but the milk tends to be thin and have the least fat. I usually hesitate to give it to him anyway since I have sometimes taken sleeping pills at night to help me get to bed on time. I generally try to give him the milk I pump during the day which is fattier and only feed him the morning milk if we run out of breastmilk. There is so much stored up that using our freezer stash built up over the last 6 weeks wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world anyway. If I take my meds immediately after nursing at night and don’t give him any of the pumped milk until the 2nd of the day around 9am, it will be over 12hrs since I took my medicine and double the six hour buffer recommended by the doctors.

Weekends will be a little different. I will probably not take my meds at all on the weekends since I like to nurse him as much as possible and think that ultimately sleeping longer hours on the weekends will be better for my health than taking meds, waking up to pump and then feeding him. My doctors may not agree but I think I’ve lived with this long enough to be able to make these judgements.

So yup, back on meds as of tonight. Sigh. I just can’t get away from them.

Category: Well, that hurt /

Sort of a six month update

the wingless one / July 7, 2013 / No comments

Blogging from my phone again because (as usual) I’m trapped under a sleeping baby. At this rate I’m going to have carpal tunnel in my future.

Anyway, just completed my 3rd week back in the office, although this week involved one official “half” (practically a full work day for others – 6.5hrs) day, a holiday and a day that should have been a half day but was not (today). So does this week really count as a complete week? Sure, why not I guess.

I’m strongly leaning towards requesting “flex time” and working only four days a week. I had been thinking I would ask after a month to settle back in and make myself somewhat indispensable again (indispensable four out of five days a week anyway) but since I’ve been back we’ve had some layoffs which makes me nervous. I think I may have to let the dust settle a bit longer unfortunately.

It’s hard to be away from T for so many of his waking hours especially now that he is showing more and more of his personality. He is smiling all the time now (especially at the ladies, the little flirt) and just last weekend started to laugh real laughs.

Around three months, he suddenly started tolerating tummy time much better and can now hold it for much longer periods of time. He still has zero interest in rolling but he’ll get there I’m sure (he did roll front to back once on accident when he had just woken up from a nap). The developmental specialist who was sent by our NICU left him a toy to borrow called Happy Apple and we ordered one off eBay (they were made in 1972 and no longer manufactured) so sometimes we do tummy time with one on each side and he darts his head back and forth as though he can’t believe there could be two! Too bad we’ll be giving one back soon.

He’s also started to sit quite well in his high chair and yesterday at the park he was sitting himself! Well, sort of sitting. He was leaning forward and holding himself up with his hands to avoid folding himself in half. It was windy and he was laughing and smiling and made me think of a dog with his head out the window. Super cute.

Oh and the boy loves to “stand.” He will “stand” until the adult holding him can’t hold him in that position any longer.

We’ve also discovered that the little imp can be VERY impatient (gee I wonder where he gets that from? Oh yeah, me). We’ve started giving him solids here and there and when it comes to sweet potato or watermelon he does not like to be kept waiting. If you pause between mouthfuls, he starts screaming as though you will never feed him again!! We wanted to try baby led weaning but can’t really let him feed himself because he gets too pissed that hardly any feed is going in his mouth. So we end up mushing food up so he still gets some texture but we can feed him with a spoon so food actually goes in his mouth and he doesn’t throw a fit.

The other day I made the mistake of giving him a little bit of my watermelon juice at the farmers market (dripped into his mouth using my straw) and he wanted the whole thing! I didn’t want him to fill up on watermelon juice though so we had to endure some screaming til I could nurse him. Won’t be making that mistake again!

He still seems to like nursing. Usually that is the first thing he wants when I get home, no matter when he last ate, which makes me feel like maybe he just wants his mama? I hope anyway because he doesn’t give me the same BIG smile Paul gets when he gets home. He just launches himself towards my bo.obs. Paul was joking that he just thinks of me as his cow. Or maybe that wasn’t a joke?

It’s now Sunday (started this post Friday) but I’m similarly lying in bed with a sleeping baby on top of me so figured this might be a good time to finish up.

Yesterday we noticed that his changing pad is looking a bit small. Hopefully this means he’s grown taller and isn’t taking after me in terms of height. He isn’t putting on weight as fast as we’d like 14lbs 12oz as of yesterday) but he is continuing to grow along the curve at least. We’ll see what the pediatrician says when we see her this week for his six month visit (and another round of shots :().

Anyway I’m sure there’s more I could say but I’d really prefer to sit down at a keyboard one of these days.

Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July!

Category: Baby T, motherhood /

Six months postpartum

the wingless one / June 30, 2013 / No comments

I really hate updating on my phone but between work (where I choose never to log into my blog because every site we visit is tracked) and constantly having my hands full at home (T is currently napping on my chest because he burst into tears the moment I attempted to put him in his bed) it seems it’s this or nothing.

I can’t believe that in ten short days T will be SIX MONTHS OLD. Seriously, his babyhood is flying by much too quickly. I started to go through his closet to pull out things he’s outgrown for storage and Paul was like, “This is making me sad,” and so we reminisced about how big he is getting instead.

I need to sit down at a keyboard and properly document all the new ways in which he has been delighting us these past couple months. It really is amazing getting to see a little one grow by leaps and bounds, sometimes seemingly overnight! Every day he is a little bit bigger, stronger and smarter. And cuter, if that’s even possible.

For now I wanted to do a quick update on how I’m doing six months post-partum.

As far as healing from the c-section, I don’t think I am 100% yet. The scar is still bright red (I’m told it will eventually fade) and sensitive to touch. I don’t really wear tight clothes though so for the most part it doesn’t bother me unless T is kicking me on it (which he does seem to like to do). Activity-wise I can do as much as I did before getting pregnant and my arms are actually a lot stronger. I can easily load and unload the stroller from the car, which I doubt I could have done pre-baby!

We are still breastfeeding and for awhile before I went back to work we were actually exclusively breastfeeding. Now I pump 3-4x per day (usually once before I leave for work, 2x during work and if he goes to bed early I will pump before bed) and nurse him 2-3x after I get home. I think because of the breastfeeding I managed to lose all my pregnancy weight and then some despite the fact that I am always ravenous. I’m actually about 3lbs lighter than I was when I got pregnant which I occasionally worry about since I’ve read that while breastfeeding you should actually keep about 5-10lbs of extra weight on. But so far (knock on wood) my supply doesn’t seem to have suffered so I’m hoping its ok. I really do need to start making sure that I’m getting enough calories and nutrition though so that I can be healthy enough for pregnancy #2 when the time finally comes. It is actually easier for me to eat now that I’m back at work because even though I don’t get a lunch break, I don’t feel as bad ignoring my computer for a few minutes while eating than I do with T.

My period has also not returned, although there have been several occasions when I thought she was attempting to make an unexpected visit. The first time was actually only about 6 weeks postpartum when I suddenly started bleeding again (turned out to be just regular post-partum bleeding) and then just last week I spent one morning at work with an agonizing stomach ache that didn’t quite feel like cramps but then it’s been so long since I had a period (over a year now) that I thought perhaps I just don’t remember what they feel like. Still not sure what it was but it went away by the afternoon and I never had any bleeding. So the long and the short of it is, is no period.

Even though I’m breastfeeding/pumping enough that this makes sense, there is still this crazy, nagging voice in my head encouraging me to pee on things, i.e. pregnancy tests. This is pretty ridiculous given that, aside from immaculate conception, there have been about three opportunities since T has been born to make him a sibling (incredibly sad, I know) and for the record I did pee on stuff after an appropriate amount of time from the first two occasions (negative, obviously) and we used protection the third time so I don’t know why The Crazy is begging me to go buy some things to pee on anyway. Old habits, I suppose.

Obviously as more time passes the question of Another One? becomes more prominent. I stopped taking my meds (other than my tiny dose of prednisone) and am hoping to stay off but do need to go get some labwork done soon to see how the innards are taking it. I should probably also get back in the habit of regularly monitoring my blood pressure which I stopped doing after we brought T home. Not really sure why since it only takes a minute. I feel mostly well, tired and achy on certain days but since my sweet little guy has been so kind to sleep by 7:30 or 8pm at the latest, I just force myself to sleep a bit earlier myself and am usually fine by the next day.

I guess we shall see how the next six months go and the discussions about #2 will begin in earnest then.

For now I’m just trying to get/keep my body in good working condition so that I can enjoy my perfect little boy every moment we’re together.

Category: Baby T, motherhood /

Pillow talk

the wingless one / June 23, 2013 / No comments

Typing this from my phone, in bed, with a sleeping baby attached to my ni.pple. We’ve been lying here like this for almost an hour and I’m so thankful that my bo.obs are still so comforting to him. And also that we’ve learned to nurse laying down.

My sweet little boy decided that since mommy was going back to work that it would be a good time for him to start sleeping 12 hours straight through the night (typically from 7-7 or thereabouts). That means I got at least 6 straight hours of sleep all week! 7 hours some nights. And given how exhausted I was even with that much sleep, I can’t imagine how awful I would have felt if he had still been going to bed at 10pm and waking at 1 or 2am, as he had been doing just a week earlier.

On day 2 of being back at work we also managed to solve the bottle problem. We realized that our little foodie wanted his milk served properly – at body temperature. He is now drinking 4.5 to 6 (!!!) ounces per feed, although sometimes he needs a break so the milk can be reheated to the proper temperature.

T seems to be adjusting to our new lives with relative ease. This makes me both happy and sad. The fact that T is so happy and well adjusted seems to have convinced my mom that maybe my parenting methods aren’t so ridiculous after all and that I do know what I’m doing! So that hasn’t turned out to be the huge issue I thought it would be as she has been mostly agreeable to do things my way as much as she can.

Towards the end of the week he did seem clingier to me at night, wanting to do a lot of comfort nursing before being put in his cosleeper, and my mom said he wanted to be held a lot more on Friday so I like to think that he did miss me and needed the weekend as much as I did.

Category: Baby T, motherhood, The grind /

that was fast

the wingless one / June 14, 2013 / One comment

Yeah, my ability to think positive seems to be fading quickly.

Maybe it has something to do with the pure and utter exhaustion.

And knowing that having to be in the office by 5am every day, all week starting on Monday, is only going to pile the exhaustion on.

The upcoming return to work has me all kinds of panicky. I have been snapping at Paul and much to my own dismay, snapping at the poor baby.

It’s my own fault really, I am jealous in my care for T. I want to be his sole source of comfort, food, everything and so it has come to be that way. Maybe Paul could put him to sleep but I’m so scared that if he tries and fails I’ll end up doing it anyway, except it will be two hours later and he will be all riled up and harder to put down. And then I get irritated that no one can help me with this screaming infant, who through no fault of his own currently can’t seem to stay asleep!

I get annoyed at my mother. For implying that she knows better than I do how to care for MY baby. For implying that she can do it better. That she is more “natural” at it than I am. I’m jealous that she’ll be getting all this time with my baby which may lead her to feel even more so that he is HERS and not MINE. But he is mine! I know what he likes! I know what he needs! I KNOW him.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom by most people’s standards. I tell her almost everything. She tells me probably more than I want to hear quite a bit. I know she loves T very much. But we are definitely having some boundary issues and the funny thing is she thinks she is very cognizant of boundaries but she isn’t. She also thinks she is not critical and judgmental, but she is.

I can’t do anything different from how she raised us without her taking it as a criticism of her mothering skills. I’ve told her it’s not about her, it’s about me and how I want to care for my child but somehow this only makes her even more defensive and upset. So I really don’t know how to address this problem because every time she starts criticizing me and I defend myself it descends into an argument I can’t win where she essentially tells me “It’s my way or the highway” and the problem is, I have no choice. I’m going back to work. As others have pointed out, hiring a Chinese nanny (which is what we can afford) would just be like paying someone to do exactly what my mother will do. In fact, my mom brought up hiring my grandma’s previous helper, the one who kept telling my mom to tell me not to do this or that while I was pregnant.

Um, yeah, thanks but no thanks. I am not going to pay someone who thinks their opinions on child-rearing trump my own in regards to MY OWN CHILD. And at least my mom truly loves T.

But the fact remains, my mother doesn’t respect me as a mother and I don’t really know what to do about that.

Category: motherhood, Navel gazing /

When daddy is useless

the wingless one / June 12, 2013 / One comment

My baby is in the throes of a sleep regression and true to form has become insanely needy. As in I tried to put him in his bed 3x tonight and instead here I am typing on my phone with the little dude snuggled on my chest – sleeping like a baby.

Now, what to do? Put him down and risk him waking on contact with the mattress only to have to pick him up and restart this process again? Or just go to bed like this?

All I know is when I start work next week Paul cannot be snoring away while I deal with these situations.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Category: motherhood /

thankful

the wingless one / June 12, 2013 / No comments

My last few days of devoting 100% of myself to my baby boy are dwindling down.

It’s been a hard week because we seem to be in the throes of a sleep regression but I’m still so grateful for these days and aware of how lucky I am to have had all this time to get to know this wonderful little man.

Today I decided that I will not focus on how sad I am to have to be away from him for hours at a time, day after day. There is still so much for me to be thankful for and I should be focused on that.

On a Christian radio station, I once heard the refrain, “What if tomorrow you only woke up with what you remembered to thank God for today?” and I’m trying to remind myself of that as each of these last few moments of maternity leave slips away. I know it’s going to be a challenge to feel that way when I’m dragging my butt up at four in the morning next Monday.

I’m thankful to have such a perfect little baby, for the privilege of being his mommy, to watch him grow every day into the man he will one day be.

I’m thankful to have a mother who is willing to make a not-easy journey every day to come watch him so that I know he’ll be in the care of someone who loves him almost as much as I do.

I’m thankful for the job that allows me to provide for my family.

I’m thankful for my wonderful husband and that he also has a great job that provides for us. And that he knows how important it is to provide emotionally as a father and a husband.

I’m thankful for how my health has held up despite not having been able to take the best care of myself these past few months.

I’m thankful for the friends and family that have supported me along this journey called life and motherhood.

I’m thankful for this wonderful life that God has blessed me with even though I don’t deserve it, never have and never will.

Category: Navel gazing /

turn, turn, turn

the wingless one / June 5, 2013 / No comments

Time becomes a funny thing once you are a parent.

All at once, I find myself nostalgic-ly longing for more of these days…

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…when my little guy was my teeny-tiny newborn.

Yet I’m also wishing that these days…

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…with my giggly, chatty, everyday-a-little-more-personality, baby boy could last forever.

But there are also so many moments where I find myself looking forward to the future, first foods, first steps, first birthday…and I just can’t wait.

How can it be that I want more of the past, more of right now, and the future to get here faster, all at the same time?

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I just want more of every single second with this perfect little human I have the profound privilege of calling my son.

Category: Baby T, motherhood /
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