transcended.net

To say that this story happened in my neighborhood would be a pretty massive understatement. In fact, I can practically see the building from my living room window.

And of course, it had to happen during the only two weeks in which I’ve lived in this city as a single person. 

It pretty much shatters all illusions of safety that I had.   All those things I’ve told myself when I hear a noise somewhere in the condo?  Lies.  Apparently it doesn’t matter if you live in one of the more expensive “safe” neighborhoods in the city or that you have neighbors practically on every side of you or that there are hundreds of tourists walking about, literally right past the front door.   And no, apparently it doesn’t help that you live in a secured building.

The scariest thing is that I wonder, without this story as a horrifying and tragic cautionary tale, what would I have done??  It happened just a few blocks away, this guy could have just as easily been knocking on my front door.   And I probably would have let him in too.   Can you see why this is tripping me out?

Thank goodness Paul will be home in less than forty-eight hours so I can quit jumping out of my skin every five minutes.   Although I think the advice of calling the company if someone you don’t have an appointment with comes knocking is good advice for anyone, including men.  You just never know what kind of whackjob might wind up on your doorstep.  I’m also starting to really see the safety benefit of having a big dog and am glad my sister and parents have one now.

I honestly have no clue how people can work 60+ hours per week – I’m clocking in at about 55 right now and I think that that’s bumping right up against my limit.  As my friend Grace said, 60 hours is definitely the cutoff between tolerable and insane. 

I think part of it is definitely that even when I have down time during the day, I have to constantly be “on” whereas in my old role I was able to sort of just zone out when it was slow.   (Hm, come to think of it, I was only working a touch over 40 hours per week the last year or so..)  That said, I really like what I’m doing now versus what I was doing before.  I like the fact that the industry is constantly changing, evolving, innovating and therefore there will always be something to learn (which is also an extremely daunting thought, considering how much I already don’t know). 

And it occurred to me recently that I’m sitting in a seat that people with MBA’s from top b-schools have jumped through all kinds of hoops to be in.  Or even, been rejected for.  And yet, somehow, I’m getting this opportunity.  It still kind of boggles my mind.  I know I have worked hard for it, but I know that as important as it is to work hard, you also need a little bit of luck on your side.

To sum up: I’m tired, but pretty happy.

Life is otherwise mostly constant. 

Paul is getting ready to take a two-week trip to Asia WITHOUT ME.  Of course, he did come home at lunch to make me a sandwich (sliced in half, each half wrapped separately in plastic wrap!) for dinner since he’s playing squash with a buddy, so I think he’s trying to make sure I’m extra happy before he embarks on his voyage.  He’s also apparently planning something special for this weekend since this is going to be the longest we’ll have been apart since we got married.  And also, my first time staying home alone in the condo.  I am seriously considering inviting my mom over to stay with me.  Because I watch way too many crime shows and am super paranoid.   While Paul was at his squash game last week I tried to watch De.xter by myself, after dark and had to stop because dude, John Lithgow = super creepy right??  So, I’m thinking no crime/scary anything while the hubby is away.  I hope there are some good comedies on cable in the next few weeks. 

(For the record, I eventually did watch all of Season 4 and am now caught up and officially totally addicted to the show.  But still refuse to watch it at night when I’m home alone.)

Now that I’m starting to get really excited about this promotion, I’m starting to feel really paranoid/superstitious about talking about it like it’s done. Mainly because it’s not done until it’s done and even then I can always be fired or laid-off in this industry – anyone can – but I suppose at least at that point I will have officially had the title!

Hey, I remember this feeling, it feels like three years ago when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing half the time and always went home feeling like I had forgotten something REALLY important even when I hadn’t. It feels like OCD.

And unfortunately, I think it’s going to feel this way a lot longer, since I have a lot more to learn and the stakes are significantly higher. Hopefully I’ll be able to flex my nerd muscles and pick things up quickly!

In other news, I’m getting a k.indle! (And I ordered The China Study for it! Thanks for the tip Lian!)

I have a ridiculous amount of research and primers that I actually need to read for work now but I’m determined to start reading for fun again. But what I will probably end up doing is load it up with work stuff so I don’t have an excuse not to read it anymore…Although I may still make a few.

My life really is this boring.

It’s hard to believe it’s been nine years. And yet, at the same time, I can’t remember a time when 9/11 didn’t mean something.

NGC aired a special this week called Guiliani’s 9/11 and I realized that it’s been awhile since I’ve seen footage from that day. But seeing it brought me right back to that morning and how traumatic it was watching it unfold on TV in my living room. I can’t imagine how those who were there that day must feel.

In a weird way, it felt good that the pain could still feel so fresh and raw. Hopefully it always will.

Remember that thing I was saying about never being happy? I now have another great example of that.

I am seriously driving myself nuts here.

For the past two years I’ve done nothing but whine about how mindless my job is. (With the caveat, of course, that I know it is a very good job and I’m very well compensated compared to anything else I could be doing…basically I have no right to complain, not in this economy!). I’ve made it pretty clear in all my reviews and meetings with higher ups that my goal was to move out of the operations group and into the front office but I was really starting to feel resigned to the fact that it was never going to happen.

And then it happened.

Or apparently, will be happening if all goes according to the plan that’s been laid out for me. And it sounds like it will be happening quickly.

To be honest, I think I’m still kind of in shock over the whole thing. I am really excited because I really haven’t done anything new at work on a day to day basis in over two years and from what I remember, I like being challenged, right? Right?? I hope so anyway.

Commence freakout.

I’ve been stuck in a rut at work for the past two years but I have to admit now that it was a comfortable rut. And maybe there is a secret part of me that has grown sort of fond of the rut. And resigned to the fact that I was stuck and trying to see the bright side of it.

That same part of me is now causing panic attacks fueled by wondering about whether I can handle the hours, the scrutiny, the pressure of learning by being thrown into the deep end…I feel too old for this even though I’m probably not.

I think at the end of the day I just need to have a little more faith in myself. I’m not a natural sales person by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I do have the ability for this and for so many reasons this is the perfect time to transition. If this had happened a few months earlier I’m not sure what I would have done about all the doctors visits. Or if I had gotten that job in LA (right after we closed on our condo!)…yikes that would have been a mess. This allows me to basically transition into a better role while working with people who already know me. I really couldn’t ask for more, so why do I continue to let these self-doubts and fears plague me. I wish I could be one of those people who wasn’t constantly mired in insecurity and fear of failure.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. Clearly, I’m very effed in the head.

I’ve decided not to ramble about this too much at this point…suffice to say something good (nay, incredible) appears to be happening for me at work and somehow in the midst of shock and excitement I’ve managed to become incredibly…terrified.

Of what, you might ask? Failure. Being exposed as a dummy. General sucking. (Oh and getting into the office at 4:30am every day for the rest of my life).

And I don’t even know why I let myself have these bad thoughts when they don’t help the situation at all. I wish I could physically suppress the crazy neurotic debby downer alter ego of mine, maybe shove a sock or two in her mouth.

I figured it out though. She’s that person. See? It wasn’t me after all.

I guess this has become pretty obvious already but, let’s just put it out there: I have writer’s block.

Although that’s not totally true since I have done a bit of writing, it’s just all ended up being deleted for the reason of sucking. I guess the main issue is that I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

I realized today, that I feel stuck. I told Paul that I’m not sure I’d be feeling so badly like I need to be doing something towards becoming a parent if we didn’t have these obstacles looming in the distance. I can’t suddenly decide I want to be a mom, it has to be carefully planned. Coordinated amongst a team of specialists. Specialists, I have been told (my rheumy actually said this to me), who will be walking on eggshells with their fingers crossed the entire nine months. That sounds encouraging doesn’t it?

But as much fun as that sounds, just to even get to a place where my team of specialists decide that it might be an acceptable time for my husband and I to begin attempting to procreate is going to be a long road ahead.

Yesterday it hit me. I was hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year and now the earliest that will be able to happen is probably at least 1.5yrs out, which means I will be nearly 30yo before we could possibly get pregnant? Wtf? Didn’t I start talking about this like two years ago? I mean, I don’t know. Maybe without all of this I wouldn’t really feel the pressure to have kids asap but being that I am in this predicament I really feel like I need a PLAN. Now. Wait, scratch that, I had a plan and (I’m supposed to be off all meds right now preparing to start trying in a month or two) but the plan veered off a bridge (flare, back on full dose and then some) and basically I’m right back where I started. Ok, I’m not picky, we don’t have to make forward progress on The Plan, but can we at least not go fucking backwards?

Out of all of this I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Paul very much wants to be a father but he’s still in no rush so the situation doesn’t bother him too much. Mainly because he doesn’t really think about the possibility that that might never happen. He believes in doctors and medicine and that somehow this is all going to work itself out and he’ll be a dad to a biological child and maybe an adopted child.

Me? I don’t know. On the one hand I am so thankful that we got married early and decided relatively soon into the marriage to talk to my doctors about getting pregnant (normal couples talk to each other about getting pregnant and then go forth and get pregnant – me? I talk to my husband about when we should let the doctors know so we can get their opinion on it…romantic isn’t it?). The fact that we are still relatively young means we have a good number of years, hopefully we can find at least a year’s worth of good health sans medication in there somewhere.

But I also for some reason constantly dwell on the worst case scenario even though I know I shouldn’t. And then I feel mopey and sorry for myself and way more damaged than I should. Because really, I know my body is pretty broken but that doesn’t mean it’s irrepareable.