I realized today that I still have yet to let go of the adolescent notion that somehow life is supposed to be fair.
An old acquaintance from the, er, crazier days of my youth is pregnant, or at least all signs point to that being the case (thanks ambiguous FB status updates!).
As mentioned before, I’m surrounded by pregnancies and talk of offspring on a pretty much nonstop basis, most of which doesn’t really bother me. But this one sort of feels like that one other one that did.
I know that I have no right to judge. That everyone walks their own path and that every child is a miracle. Trust me, I know what I’m about to say reflects poorly on me and my character in so many ways. But it’s the truth, it’s what I’m feeling deep down, and if I can’t be honest here, then I’m not being honest with myself right?
So here’s me in all my honest ugliness.
I can’t help but feel like it’s not fair.
She partied through high school, never even made an attempt at college, and generally seems to live a lifestyle that one would not reconcile with having an infant. People change, I know, obviously I’ve changed quite a bit since then myself, but from what I can see (again, only through FB updates so perhaps not a fair picture, but my brain is not in a fair place right now) not much has.
And I had to block her status updates because no, I can’t do it. I can’t watch this unfold. I just…can’t.
It makes me question my whole life. It makes me question everything I’ve done. All those “right” things.
Sure, I’ve had my blips along the way, and continue to, but shit. There I am five days a week, struggling to wake up in the dark so I can work my eleven hour day to pay my damn mortgage. Why did I do all this? What am I working so hard for?
It doesn’t seem to be paying off at the moment.
I know how I sound, I know how lucky I am. I have no right to complain. Sure I’ve worked hard for everything I have, but a lot of people have worked hard and have nothing to show for it…for better or for worse, sometimes that’s just how life works.
But when I see someone else who hasn’t necessarily achieved “success” in the eyes of society and yet has still managed to achieve something I may never get…it feels like how I felt when I was about to graduate from college and had no idea what was coming next. I had spent nearly twenty-two years believing that upon the completion of this major milestone (college), the future would suddenly fall into place – only to come to the harsh realization that there was no epiphany waiting around the corner and I was still going to have to figure out what to do with my life. I suddenly felt like I had been lied to my whole life but I couldn’t figure out who exactly had been feeding me the lies.
I’m just so…tired. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of being sick. Tired of my own, plentiful, shortcomings.
I recently broke my second, stronger, more reinforced NTI – the one supposedly designed to reduce grinding over time based on how it dispersed pressure on the jaw. The first time I broke it, my dentist told me he’s never really seen anyone break it in their mouth before, usually when people need replacements it’s because a pet got to it or they tossed it out on accident. And yet, I’ve gone through two now (and for the record, am still not sure where the piece I cracked off this time went, hopefully I didn’t swallow it). I asked my dentist this time (same clinic) why it didn’t seem to be working for me and she said, “You must have a lot of stress, there’s nothing we can do about that.”
It’d be nice, though, wouldn’t it, if it could all be fixed by something as simple as a night-guard?