transcended.net

Note: I’m writing this quickly so that hopefully I will actually finish it and hit publish in one sitting.  Otherwise, it will likely end up in the blackhole known as the “drafts” folder.

1) I’m alive and 2) as expected, Hawaii was, well, Hawaii.  And by that, of course, I mean, it was totally amazing.  By the end of it, Paul and I were seriously weighing the potential net happiness we might be capturing living with less income IN Hawaii versus higher incomes but decidedly NOT Hawaii (not that where we live is so terrible, but, HAWAII!! Right?).

The cherry on top is that work has been slow, so the vacation glow lasted a bit longer than I would have expected it to.

But I’ve been back over two weeks now (so the glow is long gone).   And I’m not even sure where to begin.

And clearly the note at the beginning of this post was nothing but a big fat LIE since I’ve had to rewrite the preceding paragraph three four times now to accommodate the growing length of time between the present and our vacation.  Still I’m determined to publish this one. 

I saw my rheumy back in October and he, predictably, did not give me a pep talk about getting pregnant.  But he did say that it might be a good time to get more doctors involved again, because yay? The more doctors the merrier right?  (Please note that was dripping with sarcasm).  He wanted me to consult with someone he trusts at a prominent hospital he is affiliated with, but the thought of yet another doctor visit that requires driving through traffic at the worst possible times of day was a complete non-starter.  I went back to the doctor I saw last February, right before All Hell Broke Loose (better known as Summer 2010).

Part of me felt very…strange..being there.  I don’t know what it was exactly, something about being there.  Where I had been so hopeful.  When I left that office the last time I clearly thought the next time I came back, I’d be pregnant.   And yet I was not pregnant.  Not even close.  In fact, a bit further away than the last time I saw him.

I don’t think they are all that used to dealing with people like me either.  Women who come back for multiple pre-conception visits.  Because the receptionist seemed a bit confused (though she caught herself quickly and tried to hide it) that I had been there before and was back but not pregnant.

Anyway, to further freak me out (or maybe because I was freaked out) my bp was high, just like it was the last time I was there and we were like “meh, it’s just cause I’m at the doctor’s!” except that when I went home I kept checking and checking for days and it was Not Good every time.

But I have been taking my bp more regularly since then (it had been so good for awhile that I hadn’t bothered) and it seems fine.  To be safe I bumped the meds I had cut (without being advised) back up a bit….because….the high risk ob (once again) said if I could switch medications he didn’t a high risk for anything unmanageable.  In other words, from his point of view we can start trying two months after I switch medications.

I did immediately start calculating when that meant I could be pregnant in my head.  But also know that this doesn’t necessarily mean my other doctors (see? didn’t I tell you? fun!) won’t want to take more conservative approaches and wait 4-6months.

The high risk-ob did not feel like he should be the one to switch my meds so I asked him to refer me to a new kidney specialist in the city since I’m not especially attached to my current one who is an hour’s drive away.  I had my appointment with my new Dr. Kidney the day before Thanksgiving and really liked him but he also said he was not prepared to switch my meds without first discussing with the high-risk ob and my rheumy (who I do plan to keep seeing despite the distance – he has known me for 4+ yrs and I decided it’s best to stay with at least one doctor who is very familiar with my history).  Understandable since that was only my first time seeing him, but still disappointing.  I was hoping to be on a new med by now, but I suppose this is just one more thing I need to be patient about.  He was very open to the idea of me switching meds but said he thought it was the right thing to do to confer with my existing army of specialists.

I suppose this is normal (okay, so none of this is actually normal but you get what I mean) but as I get closer to (hopefully) the reality of being “cleared” to TTC (trying to conceive) the more nervous I am about the idea of being pregnant.  The last two appointments have basically been a rundown of the laundry list of possible complications I would face during pregnancy (this from two doctors that actually seem mildly encouraging about me being able to sustain a healthy pregnancy) and a lot of talk about how closely I would be monitored through the whole process.  I have been talked to about how it is not really a question of IF I will be on bedrest, but at what point.  Pre-eclampsia has also been discussed ad nauseum.  I will be monitored bi-monthly via ultrasound due to a potential heart condition that can be caused by an anti-body that I show positive for, apparently the issue can be correctable with surgery so even though this is considered “rare” they still monitor for it).

While I probably should be, I’m not really scared about all of this for my own health/discomfort.  I have been through a lot of physical discomfort because of my lupus.  I have been bloated, nauseated, exhausted, physically unable to stay on my feet for more than few moments…I would have much rather preferred to go through all of it with the “prize” at the end of nine months.  So the prospect of going through all the physical crap and all those appointments with the hope of a baby at the end of it sounds like quite the deal to me actually.  I will probably still complain about how shitty I feel if the pregnancy turns out to be a difficult one, but eh, such is life.  When I look at it from where I am now, I am okay with this part of it.  I am scared of losing more kidney function but again if I’m looking at this through the lens of having a healthy baby at the end?  It feels very worth it.

But knowing all that can go wrong…having to plan for worst case scenarios…I think this is why I am not really angry at my rheumy for being so negative about pregnancy.  I get where he’s coming from.  The concerns are real and serious enough that they cannot simply be written off no matter how badly I want to gloss over this, plunge in and deal with the consequences later.

There is just so much to consider and I worry constantly that I’m being selfish by insisting on getting pregnant and trying to have a biological child.  I’m terrified that if this turns out badly I will hate myself forever.   And yet I’m not willing to give up this dream.  Which makes me feel even more selfish.

I really haven’t talked about these conflicting emotions with anyone other than Paul.  Mainly because from the outside I know the simple answer is to just not risk it.  Maybe it’s the “right” answer but it doesn’t feel right.  Maybe it’s the answer I will come to in a few months if/when we are actually allowed to start TTC and I’m not in the middle of fighting merely to have the option of trying (i.e. where I am right now), but it’s not the answer where I’m at right now.

Anyway.

I’m supposed to call Dr. Kidney on Thursday to see what the “team” thought about The Big Switch.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up though I think the chances are small that they would say no (since I’m not asking to be totally off meds or anything wild and crazy like that =P).  Still, you never know.  And then there’s the question of how my body will react to the new meds for a few months, and whether or not we will even be able to get pregnant (which I don’t take for granted anymore), and if we make it that far, nine months after that of “walking on eggshells” as my rheumy so eloquently phrased it.

So I guess that’s that.  I started this post so many days ago now that it’s just become a mish-mash of all the random crap I’ve been thinking about.  I guess it’s fairly obvious that my mind has pretty much been consumed with one thing and one thing only.

In an attempt to end things on a positive note, I did have the thought on the way home from the high-risk ob (way back on Halloween!) that in a way it’s been a blessing that Paul and I have had so much time as a couple (7+ years now) alone as a couple.  As much as I do want to have babies, I also enjoy having my hubby all to myself.  Maybe it’s only now that there’s actually a very dim light somewhere at the end of that tunnel that I can feel this way, but I try to remind myself every day now to enjoy our time alone as a couple.

Apparently, I have nothing to say anymore.

This is kind of true, and also kind of not.  I have nothing new to say anymore.

Just the same old feelings, thoughts, pains, and gripes over the same old crap.

I’m overwhelmed by this feeling of being stuck.  And of incompetence and general loser-ness.

Yesterday I almost had an emotional breakdown at work, in the middle of the day, for no particular reason.  I’m not sure what started it, maybe a friend asking me on chat if I would describe myself as being happy with my life, but plenty of things sent me spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit of emotional despair (especially when a new-dad and very-soon-to-be-dad started discussing birth behind me).

I came thisclose to breaking down into a sobbing mess while sitting at my desk (surrounded by dudes) which would have been REALLY hard to explain considering NOTHING was happening.  Luckily the person who sits right next to me was gone yesterday and I was able to wipe away the tears before I had to interact with anyone who might have noticed.

Clearly, I’m about to get my period.  Because I really hope I’m not just turning permanently into a weepy hot mess.

I have been having a harder time dealing with things lately though.  To be honest, it’s probably another reason I haven’t been posting, a lot of what I want to say are things I’m sort of ashamed to admit.  Whenever I hear about pregnancies, babies, etc., it’s like one of those sitcoms where an angel and a devil appear on each shoulder.

The angel, of course, is genuinely happy for other people (especially the people I love!) and wants to hear all about it.  I love my friends kids and babies and growing bellies!  I am honored when they let me be even a small part of that.

But then, there’s the other side, with that tiny devil sitting there.  Who’s not being not happy for them, but rather being unhappy and feeling sorry for myself.  Who can’t help but see or hear about other people’s children without it being a painful reminder that I don’t necessarily get all that.  The devil is also questioning whether or not I’d even be a good parent and saying horrible things like, MAYBE THAT’S THE REASON.

Except that really doesn’t seem like the criteria by which God chooses people to be parents, does it?

But anyway, when I’m being honest, I feel both sets of emotions.  With certain people I feel more one way than the other.  But for the most part they’re both there and a part of me.

***

I have this secret plan I haven’t told anyone about yet.  It’s sad, but since it’s related ot my health, I sort of already feel like it will fail.  And I hate people knowing I’ve failed so I can’t bring myself to say it out loud.

I finally started tapering my meds.  On my own.  I’ve been back on them for over a year now and things have been quiet for a year.  My doctors seem to be telling me I will take medication for the rest of my life and I find this completely unacceptable.  If I thought being on the meds for longer would give me a chance of getting off of them I would do it, but at this point I’ve been taking them for almost seven years so I don’t think that’s the issue.  The issue is whatever the underlying disease is?  That’s still there.

I’ve been doing a bunch of alternative medicines (although I could adhere to them a little more strictly…) and my kidney function at last check is better than what the doctors told me I could probably hope to get back to.  So maybe something is doing something.

Oh, and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up and I don’t plan on telling him.

I’m a rebel like that.

Lately, people asking me what’s going on with our adoption situation has been turning me into a ball of angsty rage. 

As with most of my outward emotions, I’ve done quite well in holding in this hulk-like anger, but it’s probably not great for my stress levels. 

So I finally took a moment to examine the reactions I’ve been having and I think I’ve figured it out.

It’s my own fault, really.  We’ve known for so long that adoption would be part of our family building plan that I tried to brush past all these feelings of anger, of grief and loss.  And of course, the ever-present feeling of Failure.

Except I still feel all those things.  I’ve been feeling them more and more actually. 

And so everytime someone brings up the “a” word to me, I feel like I’m being cornered, as though THEY are the ones guilty of pushing me into moving on before I’m ready.  And I have to stop and remind myself that I was the one who did that. 

I have a confession to make.

And no, I DO still want to adopt, it’s not that at all. 

But I confess that in this process, I’ve been so desperate to put on this brave face that I’ve used adoption like a shield and as such I’ve let it become a topic that now feels even more painfully complex than it already was.

I’ve talked to people about adoption so that I don’t have to talk about how much the rest of it hurts, and then I wince in pain when people don’t understand that I’m still struggling with the the fact that by adopting now, I am at least partially capitulating to the fact that I probably won’t ever get to experience certain aspects of parenthood. 

The problem?  I don’t want to talk to people about that stuff.  And now, I don’t want to talk to them about adoption either.

Like I said in my last post…

Denial.

I think one of the reasons I haven’t been able to write much lately is that I’ve somehow wound up back at Stage 1, i.e. Denial.

So, that seems healthy right?

One of my senior team member’s wife had their twins this week.  Once again, I’ve been a tiny bit surprised at how truly happy I can feel for other people even though my mind does always eventually wander back to how horribly broken and inadequate I feel over my body’s inability to function even semi-normally.  I am really happy for him though, I can tell how excited he is, even if trepidacious over the fact that they are having not one but TWO coming at the same time (they already have a young child and twins were conceived without intervention so came as a complete shock).

But, of course, this means that once again the office is buzzing with baby chatter and has been for the past couple months.

Which is totally fine and understandable.  I chime in where I can and ask questions, I really am genuinely interested in all of it too.  I’m just as caught up in the excitement as everyone else is.  Because it is amazing and miraculous and wonderfully exciting and all that good stuff AND a bag of chips.

I know all of this so well.  And I’ve really been attempting to stop myself from feeling anything beyond that.  Because I’m not really sure I could continue to function on a daily basis if I didn’t.

First, there’s the fact that pregnant women, babies and children are just a normal part of life and if I allowed myself to melt-down like perhaps I could everytime I came across one of these sights, well yeah, I wouldn’t exactly be functional.  But beyond the more basic aspects of being a functioning member of society, there is the fact that I spend 50% of my time at work listening in on other peoples phone calls (since I backup other peoples’ business I need to know what they are talking to their clients about), one of those being this guy who’s wife has been about to have twins for the past couple months and another guy with a newborn and a toddler.  Most of the people on the other side of the phone seem to have young children too, based on the conversations I hear.  Quite a few also have pregnant wives.

As much as I try to numb myself to it, there are still a lot of times recently when I’ve had to drop off the call because the conversation was just starting to make me feel like, “Do I really want to do this to myself and keep listening?”

Being numb apparently takes a lot of effort.

Just wanted to check in quickly to say that I heard back from Adoption Coordinator Lady yesterday and the adoption board is okay with my health situation!  She said that COULD change so she will ask again for approval once there is actually a spot for us on the waiting list, but that we should go ahead and proceed with a homestudy in the next 3-4 months if we decide this is the program for us! 

We’re officially on the “interested families” list!  Now it’s just a matter of time and patience.  The latter of which we all know I wasn’t blessed with.

But I’m so happy and relieved.

And also, kind of freaking out.

Because, um, are we really doing this?

More later.

So easily I fall
So easily you reach your hand out
Quickly will I drown
In all the pools of all my reason
So easily will I feel
So easily will your peace surpass me
Quickly will I trust
In anything I think is worthy

p.s. This was my 100th post since switching from blogger to wordpress last year. Geez. In college I used to have that many posts in a week!

It’s a testament to how sad my life is that yesterday I had PTO and was still awake by 6:45am.  Because dude, that’s sleeping in.  Almost three hours worth.

And upon waking up I logged into my Blo.omberg Anywhere and scrolled through all hundred or so of my messages to make sure there was nothing important happening.  And then I checked my workberry for emails and replied to one.  Which kind of makes my out-of-office message useless right? 

When did I turn into such a workaholic?  This is sick.

Anyway, the dinner went ok.  I was only somewhat socially awkward, instead of ridiculously socially awkward, so all in all I consider it a success.  Especially because the clients/my superiors were pretty drunk and I was not.

Back to the phone meeting with the adoption coordinator…

** So to pick up where I left off, my health could be an issue.  She wasn’t sure.  She was very sympathetic and understanding, but she said she really couldn’t tell me whether or not the adoption board would be okay with my condition.  She is meeting with the head of the adoption board early next week so she is going to discuss my case with her and reflect that everything is well-controlled and my doctors would be willing to provide documentation stating my ability to parent.  She said that they are usually pretty understanding but that she wouldn’t want to mislead me.  She was very sweet about it, really, and promised to get back to me next week. 

As an aside, THIS is the crap about adoption that is ANYTHING BUT simple or easy.  It’s kind of humiliating to have my fitness as a parent be questioned knowing there are sixteen year old drug addicts getting knocked up on accident and no one will question their ability to parent.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand why adoptive parents have to go through this process, but nope, nothing “easy” about this at all.  And seriously, we need to put more emphasis on what’s best for the child in this country as opposed to our blanket policy of reunification until the birth parents do something so horrendous or just sign away their rights…Bah this is not meant to turn into a rant so I’ll just stop there.

** If the head of the adoption board gives us the nod, the adoption coordinator still wouldn’t recommend doing a homestudy just yet because certain documents will expire and it takes an average of about 4 months to be “paper ready” (homestudy, adoption classes, etc. from what I gather).  Since they are guestimating 6-8months to be put on the waiting list, she recommends doing the research now, but not actually moving forward with a homestudy for another 3-4 months.    She said to make sure to disclose my condition to my homestudy provider as some of them may have an issue with it.  Bleh.

** Overall I feel hopeful.  I haven’t heard the word no yet, so at least there’s that.  I think one of the reasons I’ve felt so attached to this program is that I was hoping because it is so small I’d have a better chance of being able to plead my case.  A lot of the big programs probably already have this stuff figured out, but she said she hasn’t encountered this issue yet so they will evaluate my case individually.  I definitely got the feeling she would at least present my case objectively and wasn’t against me or anything.  Also, the reason I haven’t mentioned the program by name is because it’s so small that I think it would make this site way too easy to search for.  I don’t mind sharing in private though!  (Hillary, it’s not a Hague accredited program but they said they do sort of use it as a guide.)

** Think I will begin reaching out to other programs now that I have a bit of momentum going.  If the Korea program is going to reject us, I’d rather have it happen sooner rather than later so that Paul can put it out of his mind.

The last couple days have been a shitshow for me mentally. 

Not cause anything particularly bad or disconcerting has happened.  I think I’m just getting my period.

I’ve been completely spacing out, forgetting things left and right, and generally looking like a huge retarded moron to anyone and everyone.

Really not good when one of your coworkers (who you work for) asks you if you went drinking the night before….and not only did you not go drinking you were passed out by 9pm the night before.

Today, I’m supposed to go to Ho.use of Pr.ime Rib, which serves, you guessed it, prime rib!  And I was all excited because they have the best prime rib AND it’s a client dinner which means The Company is paying, which means FREE PRIME RIB!  And I was all gloating about it to Paul until he reminded me, um, didn’t you give up beef for Lent? 

ARGH!

(But it’s not supposed to be easy right?  This is what I tell myself…and then people point out that I am not even Catholic…)

Don’t worry, they have no chicken dish but they do serve a fresh fish dish that I hear is tasty… 

But the point of telling you all that is to talk about how I was supposed to be just coming home to pick up my car and head back out for drinks with coworkers and clients before the dinner.  Except when I got home and was getting ready to head back out I got a phone call from the adoption coordinator.

Oops.  I wasn’t even supposed to be coming home at first, I was supposed to go straight to drinks with coworkers but I figured getting a cab tonight will be hell with the rain and all so I popped home first.  Luckily.

Can you imagine how awkward that call would have been sandwiched in a cab between two coworkers?

Anyway, this was supposed to be fast because I have to leave for the restaurant soon (I emailed my boss that I had to run an errand so I needed to skip drinks)…

** Program is smaller than I thought.  They only keep a max of 10 people on their waiting for referral list and quite often they have less than that.  On the flipside they have a few dozen families on the interested list, hence a 6-8 month guestimate of how long it may take to be put on the waiting list.  Only a dozen or so adoptions completed and the program has been around for only 2+yrs.

** They recently referred a six. week. old.  They currently have a five and a half year old boy that they can’t find a match for.  It’s weird but we had decided 3 years and younger was what we wanted but when she said that they had a five and a half year old boy they couldn’t find a home for?  Part of me was like – SIGN US UP!  But I didn’t say that because, honestly, I don’t know…I think we’d definitely have to think about that together and whether or not we’re open to adopting an older child.  Anyway, the age range for the children is hugely disparate because there are no age restrictions on how young the child can be, it’s even technically possible to be referred a newborn, but the birth mothers tend to change their minds in those cases.  She said it was good that we were open to a boy or a girl.  I think if we do ultimately sign up with this program I will ask that they contact us regarding any child that becomes adoptable, but with her knowing that we will most likely only accept referral of a child under three or very close to it.  It’s just hard to imagine missing so much of my baby’s formative years, even maybe ALL of their babyhood?  The thought of it recently almost made me cry at our friend’s baby’s one year old bday party as we watched a slideshow of her first year.  But, I do realize now that part of me must be open to it based on the reaction I had to hearing about that five year old boy…

**My health may be an issue.  It may not be.  Have to write about this later as I’m already ten minutes late….