Archive for Navel gazing

is it friday yet?

the wingless one / July 28, 2011 / No comments

After three consecutive bad days at work, each one getting progressively worse (mainly because I was still feeling the frustration hangover from the prior days) today is finally a day where I’m not coming home wondering who kicked me in the face and why.  I even had time to dig into some of the products I’ve been trying to get more educated on and things made sense, which I love!

I actually thought today was going to be the worst day of all because my string of bad days culminated last night with a dinner with some Very Important People from the Mothership, a dinner that went far too late even though I slipped out before the last round of drinks.  The dinner itself went pretty well and I don’t think I did anything too damaging to my career, but I didn’t get enough sleep and knew my joints were going to be hating me today for it.  Sure enough, I woke up stiff and aching.  But I made it, and I have nothing to do tonight so I plan on sleeping.  Like maybe at 7pm.  Which sadly still means the max number of hours I could get tonight is nine.

Oh well.  I can’t usually sleep that long anyway.

I was actually invited out to drinks this afternoon with another Important Person from the Mothership (but not a VIP) and I think my boss must have seen the panic in my face when he invited me because he quickly told me not to feel bad if I didn’t want to go so I politely bowed out.  I probably should have gone but I just can’t do that to myself.  I made a decision recently that as terrified as I am of losing my job, my health still has to be my priority because at the end of the day that’s what’s important.

So I plan to watch the rest of the most recent episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager (because yes I still watch that show and dude, it’s fascinating, don’t judge me) and maybe take a little nap before I go pick up Paul.  Is it sad that that sounds way more appealing to me than going out for drinks?

Am I 89 or 29 again?  Sometimes I forget.

Category: Navel gazing, Well, that hurt /

i also googled the serenity prayer today

the wingless one / July 26, 2011 / 2 comments

You know you’ve had a bad day at the office when you find yourself huddled in a stall of the public bathroom, praying for the strength to go back out and make it through the last few hours before you can run out and grab a drink.

My acupuncturist clearly does not approve of my job, she has made several references to the fact that my job is stressful and then separately from that that my disease is DEFINITELY triggered by stress.  Each time she brings this up, I agree with her and then do the, “what can you do” shrug.  Because seriously?

What can I do?

I feel stuck.  I feel like I should be grateful to have my job at all.  And I feel bad that now that I have it…maybe I’ve come to realize it isn’t what I want after all?

There are definitely parts of it I really enjoy and like.  And then there are the parts that have me twitching and literally hiding in bathroom stalls.

I feel like I’m reaching some kind of breaking point and complete and utter meltdown is right around the corner.

Or it could be hormone since good ol’ Japan (think of their flag) is probably on its way.

Who really knows?

Category: Navel gazing /

better

the wingless one / July 20, 2011 / 2 comments

I spent the day with some of the lovely women in my family, including the amazing woman who gave me life twenty-nine years ago.

It was exactly what I needed.

And I’m glad that I’ve matured enough to know that what I needed to do was go be with people who love me rather than sit alone in my room crying all day.

I told Paul the other day that I’m trying to learn to love myself better.  Because I think God wants that.

When I’m really honest, I feel guilty loving myself, feel guilty even talking about loving myself, because I know.  I know myself.  And myself?  Kind of a sh*tty person a lot of the time.

But that doesn’t matter to Jesus and so I have to figure out how to make my guilt and shame less of a focus for myself.  And focus on the fact that I may not deserve it, but I’m loved by God and a lot of other wonderful people who’s love I don’t deserve either and still somehow have.

I’m not perfect, far from perfect, probably the farthest thing from perfect you’ll ever find, but that’s ok.

It’s okay to strive to be a better person, but I need to remember that I will always ultimately fail at that to some extent and by actually putting this heavy burden on myself, I’m doing the exact opposite of what God wants me to do.

So okay, I love myself.

Oof…that was hard.

And on another note…at what age do you think it is when birthdays suddenly go from being a day you look forward to celebrating to a day that reminds you of all the things you’ve failed to achieve?

Category: Navel gazing, The good stuff /

anniversaries of stuff…

the wingless one / July 19, 2011 / 2 comments

Tomorrow I will have been on the planet for twenty-nine whopping years.

Unfortunately, my face didn’t get the memo and apparently thinks it’s still sixteen.  In other words, my hormones seem to be running amok and I’m totally breaking out.  Which is odd, since I think I’m ovulating and I thought you were supposed to have nice skin when that happened.

Surprise, surprise, my body isn’t doing it right.

But on the bright side, at least I am having signs of ovulation which I haven’t had for months now, so even though ovulation is 100% useless in my world, I’m taking my satisfaction from knowing that at least my body is doing ONE thing as it should be.  I hope.

I’m doing nothing for my birthday.  Not really much of one for celebration and I asked Paul not to make any reservations since a nice dinner would likely be wasted on my poor appetite anyway.  Plus he is super sick with a summer cold so it’s not the time to celebrate anyway.

I feel bad because we missed celebrating our anniversary this year because I was sick.

Oh well.

I do have the next two days off (not really for my birthday) though so my birthday present to myself is sleeping in for two days in a row in the middle of the week.  Gonna go spend some time with Grandma and that’s about all I have planned.

Category: Navel gazing /

thursday roundup

the wingless one / July 14, 2011 / One comment

I’m not sure why but I’ve been totally exhausted this week.  Normally I wake up before my alarm and am actually pretty awake when I get out of bed, but I’ve been hitting snooze these past couple days and feeling wiped out throughout the entire day.  I mentioned this to one of my friends (who knows our situation) and he immediately asked me if I was preggo.

Um…okay.  He literally asks me this everytime I mention being tired.

I told him (for the millionth time) that if I were, that would not be ideal.  And now of course, I’m being paranoid.  Because that’s what I do.

So I’m debating flushing another $5 down the toilet by using one of those pregnancy tests I always keep on hand to satisfy my paranoia in these very situations.

Everytime I take one of those things and it comes out negative (which it always has), I feel both relieved and annoyed to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant and am not supposed to be pregnant.  So of course, I’m hesitant to take one today.  But I probably will.  Because again, that’s what I do.

I’ve actually been in a pretty good mood this week.  Relatively calm, work hasn’t been overly stressful, until today of course.  I have two days off next week for my birthday which I am looking forward to so much you have no idea.  I feel like I need to regroup.  I’m not even sure what I’m going to do during those two days other than go get my driver’s license renewed.  The world is my oyster….

Things I’m currently trying not to stress out over….

**  There’s a unit in our building currently for sale.  It has been on the market for probably six months now and they keep lowering the price.  They bought it over twenty years ago so for them they are still doubling their investment even with all the price drops (assuming they can sell at or around their level) but it’s been driving me nuts.  Rates have gone down since we bought but we haven’t even bothered to try and refi because this dang unit has been on the market and will undoubtedly bring down our valuation.  We are not underwater yet (mainly because we had to put 20% down) but if they keep lowering their price instead of pulling it off the market and renting it out, we may get to that point soon and it’s REALLY pissing me off when I think about it.  I’m not sure why they’re having so much trouble selling, but it freaks me out and has been making me feel like all my fears about owning were justified.  Which sucks, because I do love this place and it is a wonderful home and my husband loves being a homeowner, I know it’s made him much happpier than if we had continued to rent.  But I just worry.  I have to stop.  There’s nothing we can do at this point so I need to just let go of this.

**  I was approached with a possible job opportunity and this has been stressing me out because I don’t like change and I think I’m in a good spot where I am, but I hate turning people down and I really respect this person who is approaching me so I feel like I need to at least hear him out.  I don’t know why this is stressing me out but it is.  I need to stop.  This is stupid.  I will meet with him, hear him out and then probably tell him that the opportunities in my current position are difficult to leave, so while I appreciate him thinking of me I will probably pass.   I need to reinforce to myself everytime I feel stressed out about this, that this is a GOOD situation to be in, not a bad one.

** And yet, I worry about keeping my job.  Just like in high school I always felt like my friends were mad at me, I always feel like I’m about to be fired.  I don’t have any concrete reason for feeling this way, it’s not as though I’ve been screwing up at work (not that I know of anyway) and yet, I still feel so insecure.  I know this is pointless, as long as I’m working hard, which I am, I’m doing all I can and need to just let go and let God.  If they do let me go for whatever reason, I can’t really change that right?

And some good stuff…

**  Years ago, at my church in LA we made a list of people we wanted to pray for, people who we hoped God would move towards Him.  One of the people on my list was a good childhood friend of mine who I actually now work with.  Back then, he did come with me to church a few times but we moved not too long after and his interest sort of faded from there.  Recently, he had an experience with some friends of his from college who became Christians after college that made him re-examine his life and he told me that he is now seeking God again – really seriously this time.  He is not quite ready to be a believer yet, but he has been reading the Bible I gave him years ago and we agreed to start doing bible study together!  We’ve only done one so far, but he seems committed to continuing and I’m so amazed at how God has worked here.  It’s been such a blessing to me too, because it’s giving me this opportunity to strengthen my own faith, which I know is in desperate need of strengthening.  In fact, his questions about God and Christianity are what finally pushed Paul and I to get serious about joining a church, which we now have.

**  Paul and I got to hang out with my friend Woman Warrior and her husband this past weekend when they came through the city.  We had such an awesome time with them and it felt SO GOOD to talk to other people who completely understood where we were coming from with our frustration towards western medicine, doctors, medications and how insensitive people are when it comes to infertility issues!  As sad as it makes me that they only get it because they’re going through such a tough and painful time themselves (and I wish that wasn’t the case at all!) it is a relief to not feel so alone in all of this.

** Tomorrow is Friday.

Category: Navel gazing /

chapter 2

the wingless one / July 6, 2011 / 2 comments

So turn around
You’re not too far to back away
Be who you are
To change your path, go another way
It’s not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights, hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears, dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark, distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

My anxiety levels have been increasing over the past few days.  I don’t have any great explanation for it beyond it just being normal for me to periodically get depressed/anxious and also I might be pms-ing.  Might be because I really don’t know what my body does or how and when it decides to do what it does.  I’m on a strictly need-to-know basis – we’re tight like that, me and my body.

I am struggling to understand myself right now.  Understand what I’m working towards and what it is I’m looking for.  More and more I’m convinced that what I’m looking for is God.

I’ve never known how to say this, not really, but maybe I need to just lay it out there, no matter how embarrassing it may be to say it…

I believe in God, I really, truly believe that and I think I pretty much always have since I started attending church at the age of five.  First I believed in God because I was raised believing in God and as I grew up the argument made perfect sense to me.  I looked around at the world, particularly at some of the beautiful scenery I was introduced to as my parents dragged me from state park to state park, and it was just so obvious to me that there had to be a God.  From age five til my midteens I lived what looked like a typical Christian lifestyle, I went to church on Sundays, prayed before meals, helped out with church events and generally and genuinely turned to God for guidance, particularly in times of distress.  I must admit though, even at this time, when I was a “good Christian” I felt deep down inside me that I hadn’t really “died to myself,” not completely.  I never let go of the selfishness deep down, the wanting to live for myself.  Not even at my “best.”

And then during the latter years of high school, my rebellious nature and some unfortunate things that happened drove me to question was God really a loving God?  I mean, did He really care?  Or was He just up there taking care of the big details and letting us worry about our puny little lives?   Was there any point in talking to Him at all?  And I started to believe maybe there wasn’t as I went about my life without Him and nothing really bad seemed to be happening.  In fact, I was having more fun and was becoming a more interesting person!  And I got in the habit of not turning to Him and not caring what He might think about my life or my priorities.  I convinced myself He didn’t care anyway, so what did it matter?

But then, I got sick and suddenly God’s love became so incredibly clear to me again, or maybe for the first time.  I’m not saying it’s my own fault that I got sick, but there are certain things you can do that are terrible for triggering lupus and I did a lot of them before I got sick…For anyone out there who may be struggling with chronic illness or any kind of illness, please don’t take this as any kind of judgement on anyone other than myself.  This is how I feel personally about my illness, and I strongly believe that I shoulder a lot of the “blame” for it, if there is “blame” to be shared at all.  I don’t blame God because the things I did that I suspect could have contributed to my current condition are all things I probably wouldn’t have done had I been living my life for God at the time.  Also, for the record, I don’t think lupus is a “punishment” from God for the things I did, but a consequence, like when you tell your kids not to touch the stove and they touch it anyway?  They’re going to get burned.  Getting burned isn’t some punishment you inflicted on them because they touched the stove, but rather the whole point of you teaching them not to touch the stove in the first place right?

I saw how God loved me anyway, despite how messed up I’d become chasing after my own happiness, how He still took me back and cared for me and saved me from myself.  My body was attacking my kidneys and it could have been when they failed that I noticed anything was wrong, but God made sure something else entirely happened.  It’s why, in a very weird way, I’m grateful for the experience of having lupus even as I wish for them to find a cure for it.

But anyway, I guess that brings us to the present part of the story, the embarrassing part.

I haven’t forgotten that God cares about me and what I do in my daily life, I just can’t seem to get myself to live that way.

I spent so long living how I wanted to live that I can’t seem to adjust myself back to living for God.

And ultimately, I know that’s what’s underlying all the anxiety and tension inside me, but I can’t seem to force myself to shut up and just do it already.

Category: Navel gazing, The good stuff, The wolf /

time after time

the wingless one / July 5, 2011 / No comments

I realized today, as I repeatedly typed 06 instead of 07 into the month field on my auto-reminders, that indeed, it is July already.

Whichever part of my brain it is that controls my internal clock may vehemently disagree (“It’s only February…April at most!” it claims) but the calendar doesn’t lie and it’s not only the seventh month of the year, but we’re already five days in.

This means in two days Paul and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary and thirteen short days after that I will turn the big 2-9.

You know how I was saying it doesn’t feel like July, not really?

Well, it really doesn’t feel like I’m turning twenty-nine.

I know twenty-nine is not old, not remotely old, but let’s face it, even at age twenty-two, twenty-nine sounded like a much more adult age, an age you’d reach in some distant future when life would be All Figured Out.

Except I’m almost twenty-nine now and sometimes I’m still struck with a sense of masquerading as an adult going about an adult life when I feel like I’m in one of those movies where the teenager has had their brain switched with the real adult.   Who’s walking around with my brain?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking though and I feel like maybe I’ll turn a corner soon…but for now I have to go take care of some grown-up responsibilities so blogging will have to wait!

Category: Navel gazing /

control issues

the wingless one / June 30, 2011 / No comments

These are some crazy times we’re living in.  Between the Eurozone meltdown and the debt ceiling crisis here at home, work can sometimes feel like a battle zone.  I can tell you this much, there is a lot of panic and massive mood swings floating about in the markets.

And then, of course, my husband’s company announced layoffs and promptly let a bunch of people go.  Luckily he made it through this time but they were pretty clear about the fact that they aren’t done.  He works in the same industry as I do but right now he’s working for one of those quasi-government agencies so layoffs are pretty rare (unlike investment banks which go through a routine “pruning” exercise every year or every few months it seems these days) and that makes this all the more that disturbing.

But maybe this is just God’s way of hinting at the fact that I really need to work on trusting Him and not in my own plans, as I love to do.

Of course, the hubby and I imediately started making contingency plans for what we’d do if he does lose his job in the near term.  (Among them?  Move to Arizona - which surprised me because if two Cali-born-and-raised-never-lived-outside-of-perfectly-temperate-year-round-weather people like us could consider moving away, the situation here must look pretty bleak.  (Hm….yup, sure does!).  Still don’t know if I could do it, but I never thought it’d be something I’d even THINK about).

Guess old habits die hard.

Category: Navel gazing, The grind /

spilling

the wingless one / June 27, 2011 / One comment

Last Friday I had a checkup with my rheumy and like clockwork I had a dream about The Ex and rejection last night.

I almost feel bad for The Ex (though I’m sure he doesn’t care) that he appears to be associated with such negativity by my subconscious.  Consciously I hold nothing against him, in fact I’m grateful for our experience together because it ultimately prepared me for the hubby, but it would seem that my subconscious thinks the man is all Sadness and Pain because seriously?  Everytime my doctor makes me feel as though my body is hopelessly broken and like I might as well just give up now, my mind inevitably starts to obsess over why the ex didn’t want to live happily ever after with me.   Not very subtle right?

Please, no one get the wrong idea here, I am TOTALLY in love with my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anything – not even if The Ex had the cure for lupus stashed away – and I’m completely not in love with The Ex or vice versa.  My subconscious is just dumb and I’m really convinced that since he was the last really painful experience in my life, my mind associates him with being depressed now.

Anyway, the doctor took  the opportunity to reiterate to me once again (I’m starting to feel like I have Ex dreams to look forward to every four months until I either switch doctors or ignore him and get pregnant against doctor’s orders) that he will probably never feel comfortable with me getting pregnant.  I kind of wasn’t expecting him to bring it up again (or maybe I was just hoping he wouldn’t) after the last awful conversation in February but as soon as he started to go there, I was prepared.  I didn’t even flinch when he mentioned adoption (nor did I acknowledge he said it).

But when he started talking about the risks for pre-eclampsia (which unfortunately looks a lot like a kidney flare) and a woman under his treatment who’d had that happen and the baby had to stay in the NICU due to preterm delivery….

That did bother me.

And then on Saturday morning my mom told me that a cousin who I grew up with had an early miscarriage.  Won’t go into details, but unfortunately even that part of it doesn’t seem to be going as it should and I’m just….completely heartbroken for her, so much so that I’m not even sure how to react.  I want to cry and yet I don’t want to let myself feel it because I’m afraid I will feel it too much, if that makes any sense?  I’ve lurked in the infertility blogosphere long enough to know there are a million wrong things I could say, but I’m going to write her an email because I’ve also learned that it’s much worse not to acknowledge it at all.  I don’t know if she knows that I know yet, but with the way the family grapevine works I assume she figures we will all hear soon…

Hearing about my cousin and what my doctor said together shook me.  I’ve been so set on the idea that once I get myself healthy we can at least start trying to get pregnant and now….now I’m just scared.  Wondering even if I can get myself healthy enough to get pregnant, will I stay healthy through a pregnancy?  I started to think about the fact that I don’t fucking trust my body, not one bit, so how can I trust it with the most precious thing in the world – an innocent life?!?  HOW?!

I don’t know if I can.

I really, really want to.  But honestly…as it stands now…even if I were off the meds…in my heart of hearts I know it would be a horribly selfish thing if I got pregnant.  I’m too aware of how broken my body is and I don’t trust it not to try to kill even the things that belong in there (see: YOUR OWN FREAKING KIDNEYS).

So my only hope now is that I can miraculously get my health to a place where I don’t feel that way anymore.  I don’t know if it’s possible.  But I hope it is.  And if it isn’t, I hope I have the strength to know that.

Today I went to my first full acupuncture appointment.  She told me that she thinks my kidneys and heart seem weak based on my tongue and pulse.  Kidneys are obvious since I had just gone through my medical history with her but the heart less so and to be honest it freaked me out a little because I do often feel like I’m having an irregular heartbeat or mild chest pain.   All my EKG’s and stress tests have been normal so I’ve always written it off as being in my head – but maybe not?  I remember my mom telling me that TCM believes that by the time your tests are going wrong it’s too late (makes sense to me).  I’m not 100% sold though on acupuncture and herbs, but (fingers crossed) my insurance covers a dozen or so visits (no copay) so I’m trying it for free anyway.

In other, more exciting news, Paul and I started attending church again.  And by that I mean we’ve gone two consecutive weeks in a row to the same church and I think we’ll probably keep going.  It’s one of the ones we church hopped before when we were torn between a couple and then stopped attending both.  They both had their pluses and minuses but I think until we have kids this one just suits us a little better.  I was feeling pretty down before yesterday’s message and then the pastor gave the exact sermon I needed to hear.  It never ceases to amaze me how God does that.

Sorry if this post felt choppy but it’s literally one of a dozen I’ve started since the last and I really just wanted to get it out before I could think too hard about each sentence and delete the entire thing.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing, The wolf /

cutting off your nose to spite your face

the wingless one / May 23, 2011 / No comments

Lately, people asking me what’s going on with our adoption situation has been turning me into a ball of angsty rage. 

As with most of my outward emotions, I’ve done quite well in holding in this hulk-like anger, but it’s probably not great for my stress levels. 

So I finally took a moment to examine the reactions I’ve been having and I think I’ve figured it out.

It’s my own fault, really.  We’ve known for so long that adoption would be part of our family building plan that I tried to brush past all these feelings of anger, of grief and loss.  And of course, the ever-present feeling of Failure.

Except I still feel all those things.  I’ve been feeling them more and more actually. 

And so everytime someone brings up the “a” word to me, I feel like I’m being cornered, as though THEY are the ones guilty of pushing me into moving on before I’m ready.  And I have to stop and remind myself that I was the one who did that. 

I have a confession to make.

And no, I DO still want to adopt, it’s not that at all. 

But I confess that in this process, I’ve been so desperate to put on this brave face that I’ve used adoption like a shield and as such I’ve let it become a topic that now feels even more painfully complex than it already was.

I’ve talked to people about adoption so that I don’t have to talk about how much the rest of it hurts, and then I wince in pain when people don’t understand that I’m still struggling with the the fact that by adopting now, I am at least partially capitulating to the fact that I probably won’t ever get to experience certain aspects of parenthood. 

The problem?  I don’t want to talk to people about that stuff.  And now, I don’t want to talk to them about adoption either.

Like I said in my last post…

Denial.

Category: Baby talk, Navel gazing /
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