First, I'm in love with the girls of Saucy Monky. We saw them perform at O'Brien's tonight and let me tell you they are talented and hot as hell. I'm much more in love with the lead singer, I was very tempted to join the flock of boys following her around when they were done tonight. Something about her voice makes it impossible to stop staring at her. I think I'm going to have to start going to OB's every 2nd and 4th Thursday from now on.

Second, if a homeless person pleads with me or the people I'm with I feel obligated to give them something or I'll go home feeling like a shitty person and questioning myself for not giving them something when I know I have more than enough. So basically it's a good thing I didn't go to Berkeley or I'd be even more of a broke college student.

Things were very awkward with Jesse tonight and I think it was mostly me. I don't know what it was. I just feel as though I have to be so careful around him. When I'm buzzed and I start blathering to my friends about some strange dating predicament I'm in, I just end up feeling like a terrible person because Jesse is there. And then I think about it and I get annoyed because I'm not with him and I shouldn't feel guilty about the things I do feel guilty about sometimes. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm living my life. I'm moving on from Eric. I'm trying to find someone who makes me happy, that's all. And I'm sorry that person isn't him, but it just isn't and I can't change that. I feel like this should be a letter to him, which it probably should, but oh well. This will have to do. If he wasn't such a good friend I wouldn't even be trying this hard. But I can definitely remember a time when Jesse was the only constant in my life, the only person who probably would have noticed immediately if I hung myself in my shower or something. He doesn't even know it but he was there for me through some of the worst times...But then I wonder...did he only stay with me through it all because of these secret feelings he harbored the whole time? Or was he truly a friend...someone who gives without the ulterior motive of sex and all that crap...I guess I'll never really know will I?

Finally, I think I am more attached to P than I'm admitting to myself. I have this fear that I could never expect to be enough for him. I'm not sure how I could hold his attention. Hm...I would write more but its late and I should force myself into bed. I can think in my head =P