On Saturday I came home with blisters on my heels and I would gladly trade for more of those because...yeah...okay that's enough of that.

In case you were wondering my desktop is still in one piece and I have vowed to never again attempt to attach my iRiver to it. Never. Ever.

Did I mention that I'm PMS-ing and that yesterday I took the first major step in the process of kicking a four-year old habit? So if you pray, say a little prayer for Paul =)

My computer refuses to acknowledge the existence of my iRiver even though it was working JUST FINE this afternoon when Mr. Tech Support man was helping me reboot it. In fact the little icon popped up in the bottom right hand corner that said "H10 detected" or whatever and my computer was all, "Hey look, your iRiver is attached to me."

Now? A mere five hours later? NOTHING. I attempt to sync and it goes, "What? Sync to what? Nothing is attached to me?" EXCEPT IT TOTALLY IS. And the worst thing is, the computer clearly DOES recognize the fact that SOMETHING is attached to it because this little message box pops up when I connect it and says something about how the computer doesn't have a hi-speed USB port and so the transfer will be slower. EXCEPT? WHAT TRANSFER? I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING WAS ATTACHED TO YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP.

Yes, I have been screaming at the computer for a good hour now, in case you were wondering. Paul is having a good chuckle.

And of course, the Windows Media Help page is not being helpful. At all. So not helpful that at the bottom of the page where it says, "Did you find this information helpful?" I actually clicked NO and then almost sent them a detailed description of how NOT helpful the page was. Here is the crappy advice they give you:

You are trying to synchronize a file to a portable device, but the device is no longer attached to your computer. Try reattaching the device to your computer.

Um, considering I've reattached the darn thing 15 times already, this is not the problem. The device is attached. I am not a moron who is trying to sync a device that is not even freaking attached to the computer, Mr. Whoever It Is That Wrote This Help Page.

You are trying to synchronize a file to a portable device, but the device is not turned on. Try turning on the device.

Now you are just insulting my intelligence. Seriously.

You are trying to synchronize a file to a portable device, but the device is not responding. Verify that the device is operational. If necessary, see the device documentation for information about how to reset the device (for example, some devices can be reset by pressing one or more buttons on the device).

The "device" works just fine on my laptop (which, of course, has no music on it whatsoever, but it looks like I will have to transfer everything onto it soon) so it's not the device. It's YOU. YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP COMPUTER.

And that's it. That's all the "help" they have available. Which is really NO HELP AT ALL.

I hate you computer, I really do. And you too, Mr. Windows Media Help Page Writer Person. You suck. Anyway, off to begin the tedious process of file transfering.

Yup, I purposely posed so that you can see my ring because I am a girl and I am allowed to be shallow sometimes when it comes to my engagement ring =)

Also on the list of today's accomplishments:

1. Dropped of Paul's dry cleaning.

2. Cleaned the rotting greenery out of the vase from my proposal flowers. (It was starting to smell, yuck, I know, I know!).

3. I (finally) called iRiver tech support and after months of believing my H10 was fried it turns out I just needed to reformat. So, hurrah!

4. Called Cedars-Sinai about the refund they were supposed to process last month, only to find out that it was never processed to begin with and will now take up to another 45 days to go through. Sigh. Medical billers =

Now, please permit me to go on for a bit about the whole illegal immigration debacle that is going on. I know I wrote about it yesterday but I feel like there is so much more to say. Especially in light of the retards high school students who decided to walk on the 110 yesterday.

First off, um, hello? Why were they not all rounded up and carted off to jail? Not only could they have gotten themselves killed (which would have been the result of their own stupidity) but they could have gotten OTHER people killed. Which is not okay in my book. If they want to go jump off a cliff that's their perogative but walking on the freeway endangers the lives of a lot of other people, including my fiance who drives the 110 every day to and from work. They are not allowed to put him and hundreds of thousands of others in danger just because they want to ditch school and cause some trouble while they are at it.

Another thing, what the heck is up with all the Mexican flags and the signs claiming that this is really Mexico anyway? If Mexico is so great then why do thousands of Mexicans risk their lives running across the border? Why? And what about these questions posed by John Hawkins?

Question: Doesn't this tell you a lot about how lax enforcement of immigration laws in this country have gotten? Certainly, you don't see burglars or arsonists turning up by the tens or maybe even hundreds of thousands to rally against tougher sentences, do you?

Another Question: How did we get to the point where we have people who aren't even in this country legally, walking around in broad daylight, waving Mexican flags, and demanding that our government cater to them?

Anyone have any answers? Because I certainly don't. None of this makes any sense to me. And neither does the moronic immigration reform bill that came out of the Senate Judiciary Committee. We can NOT even begin to discuss amnesty until the borders are controlled. I do believe that eventually we will have to give amnesty to most of the 12 million illegals who are currently here but until we get to the point where there aren't thousands of illegals flooding in every week, we can't even think about amnesty. For now, we need to build a wall. We need to crack down on employers of illegals. We need to stop banks from giving illegals home loans and put an end to such programs that make it easier for illegals to put down roots in America. We need to prove to those who immigrated legally that America IS in fact a nation of laws and that they are not fools for coming here the RIGHT way.

Bleh. I also wanted to talk about the riots in France but I think I need a break. Next time =)

I realized a few days ago that the picture on the right there is about 800 years old but since I never reinstalled my webcam after I reformatted, here is a glare-y digicam picture of me in the bathroom mirror. After I worked out on Saturday, thank you very much =)

Oh yeah! I was totally prepared to go work out again today after work with Paul (okay, okay, I lie, it took some coaxing, but I relented in the end) but when we got there, there was no parking and he didn't want to valet (stupid West LA Bally's) so we went and got some Japanese food for dinner instead =)

And because I needed to shrink down that picture I figured I may as well take care of some pictures of my nephew from Christmas which I never posted.

I call this series of pictures "Ode to a Grape Tomato"

For our trip to Sedona my aunt packed a box of grape tomatoes. We gave one to Ian (the baby) thinking he would chow down on it but instead it became his best friend for the rest of the hiking trip.

He was delighted by the tomato's ability to roll down the rocky terrain.

He also enjoyed chucking it down the rocks and then running after it, which left us wondering how long it would be until he a) fell or b) fell on top of the tomato. Luckily, his father has quick hands.

This was the only way to get him to face the camera while we took a picture. That's his mom (my cousin Ingrid) and his grandma (my auntie) and if you look closely you will notice the tiny red tomato firmly grasped in his tiny little hands.

In closing, here is a picture of Paul and Taz sleeping. Just because I think it's cute.

Also entertaining (and annoying) is the tendency of those who support open borders to frame the issue so that those who support coming down hard on ILLEGAL immigrants, must therefore despise ALL immigrants and be an ethno-centric bigot who hates Jesus. Why is it so hard for them to admit that if you did not come here legally, then you are in this country illegally, which is a CRIME! And last time I checked we don't reward people who break the law.

Both of my parents were immigrants to this country and so are the parents of the majority of my friends. Lots of people come into this country legally every year and this is wonderful! Immigrants are the heart of America, they made and continue to make this nation great. But if they can patiently wait for the process to play itself out, paying the fees, filling out the paperwork...why should the people who don't have enough respect for our laws to do the same be rewarded and given preference over those who follow the law?

Even though the old lady on the treadmill next to me burned 50% more calories in about half the time, I am still quite proud of the 200 calories I burned at the gym today. *pats self on back* I may even do it again sometime. Maybe.

My mom always says about me in Chinese, "Ta bu xihuan dong." Which literally translates to "She doesn't like to move" but really it's almost stronger than that. It's like "She REALLY doesn't like to move, AT ALL." Which, yes, accurately describes me. And so now you understand why spending an hour walking on a treadmill (slower than an old lady and at the same pace as an old asian man...although I did walk longer than him, HA!) is such an accomplishment that I had to immediately come home and write a post to commemorate it.

I seriously can't remember the last time I "moved" that much.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, after years of perfect behavior, a large red bump appeared right next to the piercing. It started itching, which I took to be a bad sign.

I showed it to Paul and after a short discussion that went something like, "Gross! Take it out! Now!" out it came. And I must say, it is nice to have one less thing to think about. One less thing to clean in the shower. Nothing to get caught on the waist of my pants or rub uncomfortably when I sleep on my stomach. My mom used to tell me that you don't really own your things, they own you. I see now how right she is.

Speaking of which, I have been trying to work in a post about my new mental disorder brought on by my engagement ring. (Hooray! Success!). Up until now the most expensive pieces of jewelry I've worn on a daily basis are my cross necklace (about $400)and the promise ring Paul gave me two Christmas's ago (about $200-$300). I wear both the necklace and ring every day and don't think much about them. They are what I like to call "low-stress jewelry" because they are not likely to spontaneously fall apart and get lost.

On the other hand, my engagement ring is worth close to 10k and the bulk of the cost is in the diamond. Which is set with a measly FOUR PRONGS. So these four tiny little things of metal are holding in an eight to nine thousand dollar diamond that threatens to fall out at any moment. At least in my mind. It didn't help when several girls in my small group regaled me with stories of other people's four prong settings being totally inadequate and leading to lost diamonds. I was told to shake my ring a lot and if there is any sort of noise that indicates the diamond might be lose to take it in immediately.

Now I am really scared to wear my ring. And when I do, I look like I have some bizarre mental problems that cause me to hold my left hand to my ear and shake wildly every few minutes.

All I can say is my mom is so wise. That damn thing owns me. I think once we are married I will stick with just wearing my wedding band, which is a shame because my engagement ring is pretty. Oh well.

TV confession #2: I still watch The L Word. It bugs me. But I MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT DANGNABIT! Things I'm liking: 1) Tina is now with a man and it is implied that part of it has to do with her wanting to raise her baby with a man, and not only this but that even the BABY inherently craves a strong male figure in her life. I find it rather shocking that the hippy femonazi creators of this show would purposely imply such a non-PC idea so I'm going to assume that it was an accident. A necessary byproduct of a juicy plot-twist. 2) Moira has now pretty much fully transitioned into "Max" and actually does make a decent looking guy. I am much less bothered by Max than Moira. Also Max is from the midwest and is the only one of the bunch that seems to just want to fit in and not "rage against the corporate oppressors" or whatever. In short, Max is normal. Well, as normal as he can be considering he is a pre-op transexual on hormones. At least he's stopped having his crazy angry testosterone fits.

I no longer like my former favorite character. At all. Not even the slightest tiniest bit. She is now officially the most annoying character on the show who's all "you gotta confront THE MAN" and crap like that. And who lashes out at her ex-fiance just because he's got a wife and a little one on the way and is just totally normal without her psychotic influence on his life.

Man, I am way too into this show.

I know that I am making this a much scarier ordeal than it has to be, but frankly I'm scared! And I'm not sure why. Because I practically WAS a party planner of sorts for a year and a half. I mean I've done invitations, worked on seating charts, dealt with highly complicated guestlists...but this just feels so different. This is ALL on ME. My whole family and all my closest friends will be there. And they will know that I planned this day and if it totally sucks and they have no fun, it will be all my fault.

I know this is not a healthy attitude. I know that my family and closest friends probably won't care if I forget to order the cake or the favors are tacky (which, they won't be!) or if the whole thing just kind of generally sucks and is boring because they love me and they will see it as a day for me. But you know, I guess I'd still feel like I was letting them down even if they don't think that way. Yes, I know, I will get mental help at some point =)

The other night I had a dream that I was babysitting my niece and I took off her diaper (it was poopy) and then she proceeded to walk around and pee on the carpet. I do believe that both my subconscious and my cat are reminding me that I am not ready for children.

I managed to receive the highest score in the class (missed one) on my latest accounting test despite a pathetic 15 minute attempt at studying before going back to bed for another two hours on the morning of the test. What can I say? I am apparently a duck in water when it comes to accounting. Very beginner, introductory accounting anyway. I am not so confident about my GMAT test taking abilities though. The date is rapidly approaching and I am pretty sure I'm not ready. For some reason I'm finding the essay portion particularly frightening which is weird since I was a humanities major and don't generally enjoy math. Go figure.

And because no post is complete without baby pictures (and my cousin is kind enough to send new ones on an almost daily basis)...here are a couple more good ones...

If this picture doesn't make you go "aww," there's something seriously wrong with you.

I admit it, this picture makes my ovaries twitch. How can you not feel that way when you're presented with a picture of your wonderful fiance holding a tiny baby =)

It's not that I'm scared of getting married, because I'm not, it's more about the realization that I am getting older. And when you get older you have to do things like, grow up. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself so, of course, what I'm talking about is kids. What I'm most worried about is pregnancy because I am notoriously bad at taking care of myself. I forget to take my medicine at least once a week. If Paul puts my vitamins in a cupboard instead of leaving them on the kitchen counter then I can forget about those for weeks (until I discover them in the cupboard and put them back on the counter). I never drink milk. I love soda. I've had ramen for lunch three days in a row now (three!). Am I responsible enough to have a small person completely dependent on me for life and nutrition?

But I suppose this is why Paul and I will probably wait (at least) three years before we even think about having a baby. I have to learn to take care of myself first.

Anywho, my cat has decided that while litter box is all fine and good, she now has a better place to urinate, also known as Paul's side of the closet. You see, my fiance has no dresser and thus leaves most of his workout clothes and jeans in piles on the closet floor. He also has the bad habit of leaving his side of the closet wide open and this morning I saw her squatting suspiciously in said piles and sure enough there was a stinky puddle of cat urine all over his jeans.

So guess who's doing laundry today?

Those penguins on his hands are actually booties (my sister and I got them from Baby Gap) but he kept kicking them off because they are ginormous on his tiny little feet.

Today we were discussing the fact that only as a baby can you do nothing but nap and yet people will watch you for two (and a half) hours as though you are doing the most fascinating thing imaginable. We also spent an awful lot of time marveling over how unwrinkled and un-coneshaped his head is. Ah the benefits of a c-section.

Here's the little guy in his birthday suit, someday I will embarrass him with this picture and stories of how we all sat around for hours and hours waiting for him to make his first appearance.

For more pictures go here.

In case you were wondering, still no baby. Last I heard my poor cousin Mindy was going to be having a c-section after 36 hours of labor! 36 hours! Poor thing. But there were a lot of doctor's (both of my cousins are doctors) in on the decision so I'm sure it must be the right one. And we are all so proud of Mindy =)

My family was being so cute today. I got phone calls from my mom, my aunt (the baby's grandma) and my aunt in Phoenix. All calling because they heard we were at the hospital and didn't want to call Eric or Mindy directly (for the millionth time) for fear of bothering them. You have no idea how many times one of us (Eric, Mindy, Candace or myself) said, "Nope, no baby yet" today.

Oh the joys of living in West LA.

Now, in other, much more exciting news, my nephew Jonathan David is on his way! My cousin (in-law) Mindy is currently in labor at UCLA and the poor thing has been in labor since around this time yesterday so please keep her in your prayers! This has been a big news week =)

Voila! My beautiful engagement ring. It is exactly what I wanted and nothing at all like the one in my dream.

The arrangement from LA Premier. (In the background you can see our stylish blue microwave and the Vicks humidifier that leaks but that I was too lazy to return).

And finally, fat calico cat eats rose petals (the ones that made up the pathway into the apartment). I am not posting the picture of the rose petal vomit that came out of her some time later.

Our daily weekday morning ritual involves Paul waking up sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 am and me waking up to see him off before I fall back asleep to wake up several hours later for class. On Friday morning while we were saying bye he briefly mentioned that he'd have to work late because they were working on the merger and so I would need to pick up dinner for our small group by myself.

Around 10:30am he called me to find out if I could get my friend Henry to help me pick up the food and transport it all to where we would be meeting up for bible study but I was still in bed and said I would do it later. Around noon he called once more to ask if I had talked to Henry yet. I told him no (I was still in bed sleeping when he called =x) and he bugged me to hurry up and find out - which I thought was weird since I didn't feel I particularly needed Henry's help...but since he seemed nervous about it I went ahead and called Henry. He told me he had a lot of work to do and he'd let me know towards the end of the work day whether or not he could. So I called Paul back and told him Henry would let me know later and he got all weird and started asking why he would be telling me so late in the day. I, was still totally oblivious, wondering why he was being so weird about it, but didn't give it too much thought.

So I went about my business and headed off to my doctor's appointments. I should have realized something was up when Paul kept calling me every half hour after 4pm to ask where I was, how long am I going to be at the doctor's, when am I going home, when/where am I going to pick up dinner....all of this extremely unusual because normally when Paul calls from work its because he needs a quick question answered or needs me to go pick something up, etc. Then around 5pm (duh, the time he gets off work) he calls me and tells me that he's going to be working out of someone else's terminal and so he won't be at his desk, so call his cell phone if I need him. I was still at the doctor's so I was just like ok whatever. Then when I was leaving the doctor he called again to ask where I was and I said since it was already 6pm I would go straight to pick up dinner for our small group (Henry had called me around 5pm to tell me he wouldn't be able to help). He asked where I was picking up dinner and which restaurant I was going to, etc. which all should have made me very suspicious since he was supposedly working late and he spent a good 15 minutes on the phone with me (which he never does at work).

So anyway, I went and picked up the El Pollo Loco and when I was almost home he called again and asked where I was. When I told him I was almost home he told me to go home rather than straight to small group because he had actually managed to finish up early and was on his way home.

I was still totally oblivious so when I stepped out of the elevator and noticed a pathway of rose petals leading up to our doorway my first reaction was, "What moron dropped a bunch of flowers in the hallway?" Then I realized that they were deliberately placed and started to get the picture. When I opened the door there was a continuation of the rose petal path, leading up to a gorgeous flower arrangement from my favorite florist. At that point I still hadn't turned on the light and was somewhat confused (When did he do this? Is he still at work?) but he stepped out from where he was hiding inside the apartment and got down on one knee and proposed =)

But that is not all. There is more! And what happened next made me realize that I am sooo gullible when it comes to Paul and have the tendency not to question anything he tells me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but since it enabled him to really surprise me I'll say it's good for now.

Anyway, so at that point he told me to get ready for small group and not to wear my sweatpants for once ("They don't go with your ring!") and I agreed. So we both got dressed up and I was kind of like joking around saying we should ditch small group because they'd understand and he was saying we should but that we had to bring dinner anyway so we might as well stay. Which I agreed with. Then I pulled out a quesadilla I bought for myself from El Pollo and started munching away at which point he completely flipped out. He grabbed the quesadilla and started talking about how I shouldn't eat because we had to eat with the group. And I was really confused and said I only bought one quesadilla as a snack for myself and there wasn't enough for everyone else anyway. But he insisted that we had to eat with everyone else so I relented and let him put it in the fridge. Then another thing that should have tipped me off to what was coming was when I told him I was going to call Henry to see if he would be able to come with us after all. Again, freaked out and started saying how it should just be the two of us tonight, to which I replied, "Uh, what about the rest of the small group? They're going to be there." And he said something like, "Just us and the group." This of course, made no sense whatsoever but I just let it go and chalked it up to him being excited and wanting us to be somewhat alone (yeah, I know, it still doesn't make sense).

Anyway, when we got to small group, our small group leader Perry had a goofy grin on his face when we opened the door and it was clear Paul had given him a heads up because he announced to the group that we had just gotten engaged and would be leaving small group for our dinner reservation shortly.

At that point Paul led me back to the car and blindfolded me with his tie and we drove up into the Hollywood Hills for dinner at....Yamashiro! The view was absolutely gorgeous and left me wondering, how much would it cost to get married here? It's probably out of our price range but I think I'll look into it anyway, just in case.

So yup, there you have it. I have pictures of the rose petals, a zillion pictures of my gorgeous flower arrangement from LA Premiere (best florist ever) and, of course, the ring. But I am feeling lazy and overwhelmed by wedding preparations (already!) so that will have to wait for another day.

Speaking of wedding arrangements, did you know planning a wedding is like having a freaking job? I thought prom took a lot of preparation but that didn't involve guest lists and invitations and seating arrangements and color coordinating and cake and AH! I will try not to turn this into a wedding blog but um, can one of my friends please get engaged soon so I can blab about weddings with someone without the fear of losing all my friends? Please? Someone? Engaged? Soon? Please?

So far, I have a (very) rough guestlist and we know who's going to be in our wedding party (MOH is my baby sister and my bridesmaids will be Helen, Lian and Grace, his best man will be his brother Michael and his groomsmen will be his childhood friend Alvin and two of his closest frat bros). Also, we're targeting July 2007 in order to give ourselves plenty of time and also to avoid a weird 10-month post-marital separation due to me going off to school.

Yup, that is all. I started looking at wedding dresses over the weekend and realized a) there are a lot of extremely ugly wedding dresses out there (who buys them??) and b) there are a LOT of wedding dress styles period (how the heck do you pick?). I need all the help I can get so if you know the first thing about wedding planing I'm sending you an SOS. Save me!

Pictures and story to come. For now I will just be feasting on my feet. (Also: staring at the big sparkly rock which now resides on my finger).

I have mentioned repeatedly through the years that the condition of my living quarters is often a good indication of my internal state. I would take a picture of our apartment right now, but I am much too ashamed. Tissues are strewn about, washed clothes has been left piled in the hamper for coming up on a week, cold remedies and empty sudafed wrappers are all over the place, for some reason there is a disconnected printer lying in the middle of the carpet between the TV and the coffee table...I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. There is still some carpet visible so we're not quite at the point of having to dig out a path when we want to move about the apartment. Not yet anyway. Around Wednesday of this week I got a sudden burst of energy and decided to clean the bathroom, so at least we can pee in a sanctuary of cleanliness. It kind of makes me want to just sit in the bathroom all day long, except Taz's litter box is in there, so no thank you.

This afternoon I need to go pick up Paul's medicine, buy a new humidifier (fyi, Vick's needs to redesign their humidifier so that it doesn't leak all over the place when you happen to need to move it from one part of the room to another), and I have two doctor's appointments (yes, two). Also, it's our turn to bring dinner for our small group tonight and Paul conveniently has to work late so it looks like I will be transporting all that El Pollo Loco on my own.

A theme that reoccurs in my pastor's sermons is that if you're not content with your life how it is right now, you never will be. Because if you're always looking to the next thing to make you feel good about life - if you're always saying, "When X happens, then everything in my life will be in order," you'll just find that life is never in order and there's always something lacking. So instead, you have to learn to be content with what God has given you at this very moment, even as you work towards a better future. This, they say, is the key to happiness.

Which, I do agree with in theory. But, I must admit, I suck when it comes to application. I am the type of person who is always peaking forward, thinking that if I can just get to the next step things will be okay. If I could just get that job, or that job. If I could just get married and have babies. If I could just fast forward things a few years...then everything would be gravy.

Except, I know this isn't true. I know it isn't true, but I guess I wish it was. It's like the easy way out, always thinking that if I can just get there (wherever it may be) then voila! My life will be perfect.

One thing that really irks me and has been doing so more and more is the situation with Paul and I. No, like I mentioned a few days ago, we're not having any problems but the fact that we are living together but not married and not even engaged is really starting to bug the hell out of me. Some people at our church do know (mainly the people in our first small group and those who are related to me) but most don't and there is always that awkwardness when people start asking us where we live and if we have roommates. I don't want to lie, so I usually just give very vague answers like, "Yes, I do have a roommate" and no follow-up as to who this person might be or, "We both live in the Westside" which most people assume means we live near each other, not with each other.

It's funny because my parents are largely okay with it, though it's the one thing that my mom does not blab about to all her brothers and sisters, for obvious reasons. Though, ever since my mom came down a few weeks ago to do a bit of "pre-marital counseling" (yup, that's my mom, the psychotherapist for ya) and she concluded that we are indeed a good fit and ready to be married, she has been pushing for a summer 2006 wedding. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with our living situation. Also, my health insurance will be running out in August so either way we will probably have to get legally married even if we can't have the actual ceremony by then.

If you've grown up in a church community then you know that Paul and I are committing, like, one of the big taboos. And I do feel bad about that. And it bugs me because I feel like it could be soo easily solved - boom we get married and voila, guilt be gone! But Paul is all caught up in this whole we need to have a big fancy ceremony and big shiny rock and blah blah blah. He is less concerned with the fact that we are LIVING IN SIN =P I think it has something to do with the fact that he did not grow up in a family where NOBODY (as far as I know) has premarital sex and certainly would never cohabitate with someone until they were married (one of my cousins had to move out of her apartment a couple weeks before her wedding and she crashed on her brother's couch instead of just moving into her fiance's place).

So yeah, I'm bothered. And I don't think Paul really knows how much because when I tell him he usually thinks I'm joking. Or he thinks I'm just being my usual impatient, impulsive self, which I guess I kind of am, but darnit I have good reasons!

I know people will probably tell me that Paul's excuses are just a manifestation of him not really being ready to get married, but I don't buy that. Because I know him. Better than you =P And he's not someone who's scared of committment, he's just someone who's super committed to doing things the way everyone else does. Which means: big fancy wedding. Which means: need lots of money. Which means in his mind, we are not (financially) ready. Which, whatever, I don't care! Call me an idealist, say I'm not being practical, but that's just me. And I hate feeling like I'm being shredded by my own sense of guilt.

UPDATE: Ha, I just checked my email and my daily devotion for the day is entitled "Do You Want To Be Happy?"

What are you waiting for?

Most people are waiting for something -- something "special" that will make their life great, so they can be happy.

Ask yourself: have others had this, and are they all happy? No, they're not, and it won't give you lasting happiness, either.

Happiness is not determined by external circumstances, but by internal circumstances.

Everyone chooses how happy they are by what they choose to think about.

Your attitude is determined by your perspective, which is determined by what you think about -- your focus. You choose your focus, so ultimately, you are the one who chooses whether to be happy, or not.

Perspective is what the Beatitudes (Matthew 5) are about. Seeing a bigger picture than just this one small moment of time. (The Beatitudes are where Jesus explained how some are blessed, or happy -- even in difficult situations.)

(The word we translate as "happy" in the New Testament is usually translated as "blessed.")

You won't get happiness by chasing what the world has to offer. It has already been tried and found wanting.

And, you will never be happy as long as you are self-centered. A focus on self is guaranteed to prevent happiness.

Right after Jesus performed the menial task of washing his disciple's feet -- akin to cleaning toilets today -- He told them:

JOHN 13:15,17 ICB
15 I did this as an example for you. So you should do as I have done for you.
17 If you know these things, you will be happy if you do them.

You will be happy if you help others. If you take your focus off yourself. That's what Jesus taught.

SAY THIS: I choose to focus on God and be thankful and happy.

Okay, Lord, I get it =) I'll do my best.

I'm feeling very stagnant. And somewhat discouraged and uninspired. Especially when I read other people's blogs and they are ever so witty and insightful and I'm just here in my corner babbling like a nonsensical three year old.

I don't know what this is all about anymore. I don't know what I'm trying to say or do here. I think I'm trying to record my life and my thoughts but I'm doing a pretty piss-poor job of it (excuse my potty mouth).

So I guess I need to regroup or something like that. Maybe redesign. And actually put some effort into posts that will mean something to me when I look back on them someday. Also, intelligent, witty rants on how liberals smell. Kidding! Or am I?

Possibly the cutest and saddest part of the evening was when her parents left for the fundraiser dinner. Her mother was at the door first and said "Mommy needs to go byebye for now so Auntie Joyce is going to watch you." My niece, Natalie, was not too pleased with this news but she waved, "byebye Mommy" and then said, "Daddy?" It was clear by the tone of her voice that she was actually saying, "But Daddy is staying with me right?"

Then she noticed her dad also putting on his shoes and saying byebye to her. Immediately the water works began. But she seemed very resigned to it as she just waved and cried and said over and over again, "bye Mommy, bye Daddy." I can't imagine how heart-breaking it must be to leave your baby in such a condition. But I guess parents, especially working parents, just have to get used to it. And so do their babies.

Luckily, Natalie is a very well-adjusted little baby and she stopped crying after she led me to her room and we played legos and watched some TV. Later, Paul came over and she showed us how she calls the dog over (she bends her knees and clicks her tongue).

Yup,disgusting. And never ending.

Does anyone know what it means when the snot turns yellow? Am I getting closer to the end or is this just the beginning of something even worse. Like a sinus infection.

When I was first diagnosed with my condition a little over a year ago, I raced home and started searching for as much information as I could (despite being explicitly told not to do any internet research by my doctors). It's true what they say about wanting what you're told you may not be able to have and it certainly held true for me when I discovered that carrying a pregnancy to full term can be very difficult for someone with my condition. Since then, it has weighed heavily on my mind. It may also have something to do with the fact that I now have a wonderful, adorable boyfriend who I'm certain will have exceptionally cute offspring, but dang, I want to know that I can have a baby.

And while I know we're not ready, I've been having baby cravings lately and I worry, can I? Am I physically capable of this? It sucks because as young women we spend a lot of time worrying we will get pregnant before we're ready but no one ever really prepares us for the possibility of not being able to get pregnant once we are.

So far, my doctors tell me that my tests indicate I don't have the hormones present that usually cause miscarriages and difficult pregnancies amongst women with my particular condition. Thank God for small things.

Is it me or is the weather causing a lot of relationship drama? All my friends seem to be going through something awful involving the opposite sex and it SUCKS. Why can't people just fall in love with people who are right for them? Sigh. If only the heart worked that way.

And in case you were wondering, me and Paul are just fine. Except for the congestion.

Unfortunately the cold air up in the mountains exacerbated my cold and I couldn't really enjoy the snow (no sledding or snowball fights for me, boo) and now, I just want to steam my head because I'm so congested it feels like someone is squeezing my brain.

I went to Target to buy a humidifier and discovered that you CAN still buy the original Sudafed (you know, the one who's ingredients actually WORK) you just have to ask the pharmacist. Hopefully it will start kicking in soon so that maybe I will finally feel well enough to eat something. Yesterday, for my little sister's *gasp* 21st birthday, the cousins went out to lunch at this bbq place in the valley (Rosie's Ribs, yum) and I could only eat three ribs out of the whole beautiful slab. Oh well, hopefully I will be able to enjoy the leftovers in another twenty minutes.

I've been having all kinds of dreams lately, which I attribute to being sick and medicated. Last night I dreamt that Paul officially proposed, ring and all. I told him about the dream when he called at lunch and he asked what the ring looked like.

"It was pretty ugly, but it's okay, it was just a dream and I know you wouldn't get me something like that." (Since we've been ring shopping together, I know we have similar tastes).

I think he was mildly offended that I would dream about him buying me an ugly ring. It really was a bizzare looking ring though, it had a relatively wide band that was plain on one side but had a small row of diamonds on the other and the center stone was covered so that you had to pull back a small piece of plastic in order to see the top of it. Weird, I know.

But, praise the Lord, I don't have a fever and so am not as miserable as I could be (especially consindering it is warm and sunny here in Southern California).

I walked around Costco like a zombie after an appointment with my eye doctor this morning. As I was finishing up loading my car with toilet paper and vitamins and whatnot this old couple passed by and offered to take my cart. I happily turned it over but as they were walking off with it I was mildly horrified at the thought that I might be infecting that sweet old couple with my snot-inducing virus. I really hope not!

And onto some political stuff, I was listening to Hannity on my way home from Costco and heard him interviewing Sean Allen, the kid who taped his teacher making outrageous remarks in a 10th grade geography class.

To be honest, I can't say I'm surprised. Maybe a little surprised, but not really. I grew up attending public schools in California's notoriously liberal SF Bay Area. Many of my teachers were proud of their hippy roots and my sister even had one journalism teacher show her class a video on "conservative bias" in the media. The only thing I ever learned about Ronald Reagan is that he was the guy who came up with "supply-side economics." And the only thing I learned about supply-side economics was that it was supposedly a massive failure.

What about the Cold War? you might ask. Honestly (and I've discussed this with others who attended my high school, which also happens to be one of the top public high schools in California) I had no clue what it was all about. Something about how people were all freaked out by nuclear war and thought that hiding under their desks would protect them? It was all very hush hush, and I can certainly see why. After all we "won" the Cold War, and not only that Ronald Reagan, a *gasp* conservative won it. They would much rather share with us the blunder that was Vietnam (which we learned was started by Nixon).

Anyway, I think I went off topic, but basically, no I'm not surprised by that teacher in Colorado. I just pray that by the time I have kids enough of the country will be so outraged by these crazy hippies passing themselves off as educators, that vouchers will be available so I can send my kids to a school that actually, you know, educates them. Novel idea, isn't it?

Besides blowing my nose every three minutes, I'm reading Michael Chang's book Holding Serve. I'll do a review when I'm finished but for now I REALLY want to recommend it to everyone because it's a really great and inspiring book. Not only is he tennis champion, he is a strong man of God and a modern-day David (i.e. David and Goliath).

More blogging later. Must blow nose again.