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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Flutter by

So the last post probably makes me sound like a complete and total b*tch. Whatever. This blog is a form of catharsis for me and it was something that really needed to be released.

But, that is also why I'm writing this post. To get that one off the top of the page.

It's three thirty in the morning and I should be studying for a ridiculous test I have to take on Monday, but I am not. I am thinking about how the hell I'm going to study tomorrow, entertain my sister who does not deserve to be trapped in an apartment on a beautiful day in Paris, and how to control the intense crabbiness I've been feeling these last few days.

Seriously. I don't know what it's all about. I just know that I feel really pissy and frustrated and I keep snapping at things that shouldn't bug me. Or at least, not enough to get snappy over. I am also still feeling totally exhausted, So exhausted that when my sister and I took a walk to the gardens near the Louvre today I completely passed out in one of the nifty lawn chairs that are distributed in Parisian gardens. So people like me can nap under a tree.

Seriously, I could have been robbed, I was that asleep.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:27 PM - 1 comments

Letters that you never meant to send

Dear Person Who Has Managed To Systematically Destroy Any And All Sympathy And Good Feeling I Might Have Once Had For You Until All That Remains Is A Touch Of Bitterness That Someone As Incompetent And Slow As Yourself Might Receive The Same Degree As Me:

It makes perfect sense to me now why you so adamantly advocate for affirmative action, it really does. When I walked into the room tonight as you "studied" for the comprehensive exam and found your laptop on, music playing, notes and papers scattered all over the entire queen sized bed...and you. On the phone. Once again. Chatting to God-only-knows-who about this and that and so and so's "baby momma."

Maybe if you actually studied once in awhile instead of spending 75% of your time talking on the phone trying to give every person you've ever met a piece of your "wisdom" you might actually deserve this degree. Maybe. Because as mean as this sounds, I've come to conclude that you are simply Not That Smart.

But really though, if you're going to "try" to pass this comprehensive exam, then, well, geez! TRY! You really think they're going to just give you this degree, don't you? You think that simply because you've paid your tuition and showed up to class that somehow that means you've earned this degree. Well, I have no say in whether or not you do end up receiving it, but in my mind, you have already failed to earn it.

You might say, "But I've proven myself by having higher grades here in France."

I call BS.

From what I know of your scores, you have yet to score higher than a C on any test this year (an in class, individual test). The fact that you can boost your grades on the French side where the vast majority of our scores depend on groupwork does not impress me in the slightest. You do not impress me in the slightest.

And I can tell that, that is what drives you crazy about me. You hate that I don't look up to you, that I don't heed your advice and your "words of wisdom." That I don't aspire to be like you in any way. Joe pointed this out to me awhile ago and the more time has gone by the more this seems to be so. All of your phone conversations consist of you telling people what they should do and you HATE that I really don't care what you think about anything.

And you hate that Joe and Poon feel the same way about you as I do. You hate that you're not the queen bee amongst the three of us and this is probably why you pulled away from us in the beginning. When we tried to be friends with you, you said you had to go "to the KFC" to make friends (note: the KFC near our apartment is mostly patronized by black people).

You're always talking about how you're so proud of who you are and how you'll never let anyone change you. Maybe that's your problem. Maybe you should realize that sometimes people can change for the BETTER and maybe this is what you should be striving for. Instead of stagnating in your world of crappy grammar and blaming everyone and everything else for your failures. Maybe you should have looked to yourself and your own short comings instead of blaming the fact that you "only have a bachelor's degree" for your sh*tty job (where you couldn't get promoted even though they were promoting people who only had their high school degrees).

You're so deluded in how perfect and how capable you are that you actually believe this degree will somehow propel you to an income level where your husband and father can both quit their jobs. I repeat: If you couldn't get promoted in a high school level job, having a Master's degree is not really going to help you out. Stop blaming your bachelor's degree. It's not the bachelor's degree's fault.

And I know that in your mind you're sacrificing and "doing the right thing" for your son and yourself, but seriously? If you had any brains at all in that head of yours you would have actually planned this year out. You would have squared away your finances at some point before halfway through the first semester. You, with two mortgages and child care costs to pay should have figured out FIRST whether or not it was economically feasible for you to undertake a full-time program that would not only involve quitting your job but also four and a half months in Europe at a time when the euro is really strong. But that's your biggest problem of all isn't it? You don't think things through. You just do things, like sign up for a finance program even though you don't even know what the hell "finance" really is.

There was a time when I liked you. There was a time when I felt bad for you. There was a time when I genuinely wanted to help you. But you're so...infuriating. You get so upset when people give you constructive criticism out of genuine concern for you (like when Poon suggested that you NOT walk around holding your laptop with one hand by its screen). You're so SURE that you're right even when you've been PROVEN wrong (like the time you insisted in class that "in America, parents are not allowed to smoke if their children are around").

I could go on and on about all the completely obnoxious, inane things that you say and do ("This conversation is done! D-U-N-E! Done!") but really, all I want to say is that I am so glad this is almost over. I am so glad that in a few short days you will be out of my life and I will never have to smell your cooking or listen to you talk to someone for four hours about their husband's "baby momma" situation again. Or, for that matter, listen to you talk to yourself again.

In these past four months, I have not learned a lot from you but I have learned a lot about you. And about where I don't hope to be ten years from now.

Being around you has been one long test of my patience, something which is normally already in short supply. And being around you has made me feel so bad about myself because of how hard it is has been for me to be nice to you, or even just tolerate you. Maybe this was the point. Maybe that was why God put me here with you to begin with - to teach me how to be a better person, and really, I feel sad because if that is the case, then I failed. Miserably. But with only four days to go there probably isn't anything I can do about that except be happy about the fact that pretty soon I will be able to forget that you exist at all.


wingless was still breathing at 2:33 PM - 0 comments

Thinking online (this post has no real point)

Before I came I wrote about how I'm one of those people who likes my space. Well, yeah, after four months this is really, really getting to me. And even though I am soo glad that my little sister is here, it's really not helping things in terms of the crowding. In fact, it means I now have to share my laptop on top of everything else.

Which, you know, is fine. I love my sister, I wanted her to come and I still want her here. I'm just really not used to being in such close quarters with so many people for such a long period of time. After all, I lived alone for two full years and for some reason I never felt crowded living with Paul. Just really, really happy. Which, I suppose, is why I'm marrying the man. We "mesh" so well it always felt like we were just one person, not two people sharing a space.

I guess part of it is that I'm a person who, when I'm feeling very overwhelmed emotionally, tends to shut off around people. Or I'd like to be able to shut off, close the door and just hide.

Last night I was feeling very "ugh" over some job-search-effort-related-stuff and there were just people everywhere. I hate it when the people around me know I'm depressed and I don't like to show my negative emotions. In fact, even when my grandmother died while I was here I barely cried because I just didn't feel comfortable doing that in front of my roommates. With Paul, I can let these things out because I don't mind telling him everything. If I'm grumpy I just tell him, I'm feeling grumpy and somehow he has this way of making me not grumpy. When I'm being my normal neurotic hyper-obsessive self, he has a way of calming me and reassuring me that things will be okay.

So I guess part of the reason I'm feeling so...antsy...crabby...generally annoyed and wanting to snap...is because I'm away from my security blanket (Paul).

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wingless was still breathing at 1:56 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Best laid plans

My head is exploding with things to write about - I'm not even sure where to begin. But my baby sister is getting in tomorrow and I have to pick her up from teh airport in just under six hours so I better get some freaking rest already.


wingless was still breathing at 5:31 PM - 0 comments

When you wish upon a star

I was all set to write a completely self-deprecating post about how I feel like such a sh*tty person for the way I'm feeling about my roommate.


That thing I was waiting for? The thing I've been waiting for, for what feels like YEARS now (reality: three weeks)?

HE GOT IT! Paul got his dream job and that means...I GET TO MOVE HOME!! It's happening! It's really really happening! And I can barely believe it. And I am so, so happy for my Hubs because he deserves this and he's earned it and oh my GOD, how God has blessed us! Blessed me, really.

I still can't believe it. I'M GOING HOME =o

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wingless was still breathing at 3:26 PM - 1 comments

Monday, April 23, 2007

Round and round it goes

I'm having one of those unexplainable low moments. And I was doing so well.

Completely exhausted (physically). And slightly lost (emotionally). I'm feeling very apathetic, having a hard time making myself care about anything. Feel anything...specific.

Wondering if I've been in the middle of one big quarter-life crisis this whole time? (Like for the last three years). And if so, will it end soon?

It's that old thing creeping back, the one where I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin I wish I could just rip myself out. Tear it right off. Except that probably wouldn't make me feel any better because I'd still essentially be me underneath and maybe that's what I'm not comfortable with right now.

The funny thing is, even with all this, I know I've come a long way. Because I know this is going to pass. Tomorrow I will wake up and I will be more than just kind of okay. And if not tomorrow then hopefully the day after. Or maybe the one after that. But at some point, soon, I will love myself again.


wingless was still breathing at 2:12 PM - 2 comments

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Recently my days have been laced with this feeling of utter terror at how completely powerless I am in the grand scheme of things (i.e. where I will be one month from now). And since I'm being honest here, I might as well admit that I've been having these daily, mini-panic attacks, really? Since I graduated from college and realized how totally direction-less you are when you've just completed a degree in political science.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret for a second majoring in political science. In fact, if I had it to do all over again I would still major in political science...I just would also have majored in something else too. Or at least minored. And not in Psychology. Or maybe I would have just made sure to kiss up to my professors and get the grades I knew I was capable of but was too lazy to earn at the time because I was young and stupid and did not realize that even in college your grades still matter. And then I would have gone to law school and would probably be writing about how much I hate life. BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD DIRECTION. So there.

Anywho, I guess that's really neither here nor there since the past is past and hindsight is twenty-twenty and really the problem isn't so much that graduating with a degree in political science = directionless but that I, in fact, was directionless.

So now, here I am three years later and I am no longer directionless, just kind of powerless and I'm not sure which one I like less. I'm trying to stay positive because I really have taken a lot of steps in the right direction this year and I am proud of that. And I am learning to be slightly less neurotic and more trusting in God's plan for me. It's one of those things that you have to say to yourself a thousand times before it gets in just a little. So yes, I will still continue to have my mini-freak out moments when the fact that I don't know what's about to happen will drive me crazy and I might hyperventilate a little...but then I get over it and go back to studying and taking one breath at a time.

Everything's gonna be alright. And yes, this post is more to convince myself of this than it is to convince anyone who might be reading it.

Some days I must admit
I still don't get this
Could be it's time to quit?
When days get like this
I slip into the night
Then stumble towards the light
Wake up and try again

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wingless was still breathing at 6:02 PM - 0 comments

Friday, April 20, 2007

More thoughts on the V-Tech shootings, gun control and the media bias

It's late here but truth be told I've had a few too many glasses of champagne (or as the the French call it "champ-ane") and I've got the Virginia Tech tragedy on my mind.

Reading this post reminded me of a couple questions that crossed my mind once I found out exactly what sorts of weapons Cho was armed with. How did he kill so many and why didn't anyone try to stop him? He was armed with a .22 caliber and a 9mm glock. Though I've never fired a glock before I did have the opportunity to shoot a .22 and a 9mm and while they can both do serious damage at close range (and I would NOT want to come face to face with either weapon in the hands of a person as deranged as Cho) they are not the most frightening weapons out there and he must have had to reload at least a couple times to kill and wound as many as he did. Granted I'm sure people were afraid as anyone would be, but still, with so many young men around how is it that none of them had the stones to be the hero/heroes? It was not a situation where you think if you sit back you might be spared, it was one where if you hide under the desk and cower, you and everyone around you will probably get shot and be killed.

I know how it must sound but I'm really not trying to criticize any of those young men that were injured, killed, or just there when it happened, but I'm curious and a little bit confused. Dr. Clouthier puts it better than I can when she says:

Even more, how uncomfortable are we in the use of force that young, strong men are paralyzed in the face of evil? Yes. Men. A trained woman could have made a difference, too, but lets be real. A man, or men, of size and strength (or not, if he were armed) would need to use all of it to take down a killer hopped up on blood lust.

Dr. Clouthier brings up an excellent point when she alludes to how different things might have been if only there had been armed men (or women) around during the massacre. I am reminded of another shooting which also occurred in Virginia but turned out very differently from the V-Tech shootings thanks to the presence of two armed students who were able to disarm the shooter with their own guns. How many would have been spared if only one of the V-Tech students or professors were armed themselves? Unfortunately, we will never know. But of course the press and the libs out there will continue screeching about gun control and how wonderful the world would be if only Americans would give up their guns. Because surely criminals and murderous lunatics would obey gun-banning laws seeing as how much they respect the law and all.

Of course the media bias against guns is made blatant by their coverage of the Appalachian shooting, note that in this CNN article it claims that the shooter was "apparently tackled" and makes no mention at all of the fact that the shooter was actually disarmed by armed students.

Anyway, like I said it's late here and I should sleep, just had to get a few things off my chest. Sorry if it wasn't exactly all coherent and tied together. I may try to edit it in the morning.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:21 PM - 0 comments

Walk me down your broken line

I told you I'd be okay from now on. Or at least some of the time I will be anyway. I got a bad news email last night from the Financial Software Company informing me that the position they intended to interview me for has been canceled until further notice and that they'd contact me if it opened up again soon.

My first thought was not to do anything self-destructive like drink the 1/4 bottle of month old Bordeaux in the fridge or to curl up in a ball and wail. It was more like "oh well, that sucks." There are probably a few explanations for this totally reasonable, non-whacked out reaction. One, while the company seems reputable, stable and offers three weeks of vacation to start (!) it was a company that services investment companies and not actually an investment company, thereby automatically relegating it to a last option. The job equivalent of a "safety school" if you will. So it sucks to not have that, but it could be a lot worse. It could be one of my first choice jobs. Two, it was not a rejection and the recruiter seemed embarrassed about it, because yeah it makes you look flaky to cancel an interview at the last minute like that. That was one thing I really hated about recruiting, looking like I didn't have my sh*t together in front of a candidate. It's probably one of the few times that the candidate actually walks away with the upper hand because you know next time around, as a recruiter, you have to be on top of your game. And what sucks about it from the recruiting standpoint is that it's really not your fault, it's one of those things that gets decided way above your pay grade and you're just the one that has to relay the "oopsie" to the candidate.

The whole thing kind of just made me happy to not be recruiting anymore.

There's also a third reason I think I took the news relatively well, a reason guys probably won't get but girls might (or at least I think I'm not alone in this). I'm on the rag. Which, I know, you guys out there are going "But then shouldn't you be all irrational and sobbing uncontrollably and ripping the heads off small animals?" Yes and no. You see, I (and I think a lot of girls) have two kinds of periods: Happy Periods and Angry/Sad Periods. As Paul knows all too well, sometimes I have both types in one cycle. I'm sure those are especially fun for him.

Anyway, I'm having a Happy Period right now (with just a dash of Nostalgia) and so, maybe, this is why I'm okay.


wingless was still breathing at 7:52 AM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Home is where my heart is

Next week is my last week of classes in France. And now that things are winding down, it's all becoming very real. In less than a month I will be back in California, in a country where I will be able to order dinner with my words rather than my finger and an exciting game of charades.

Paul asked me today if I would miss Paris. Surprisingly, I'm pretty sure I will. Despite the fact that I'm something of a deaf-mute here, it's begun to feel like home. Not real home, which will always be the city I grew up in, but home the way LA started to feel like home after awhile. Home in the sense that I'm comfortable here, I know my way around, I have my favorite spots. And of course, I will miss my French friends and living with Joe and Poon. Last night the three of us went out for dinner and drinks and talked about how the whole experience would have been very different (and less fun) if we hadn't been able to hang out and explore the city with each other.

So, yes, I will miss Paris. I'll miss the bakeries with the delicious croissants and fresh sandwiches. I'll miss the different flavors of Orangina which come in BIG bottles and is the only thing that is available in larger quantities in France than it is in America. I'll miss the metro and RER which make getting around so convenient. I'll miss walking through St. Michel looking for dinner and (more) drinks. I'll miss so much, but still, I'm excited to be going home.

I miss my family, I miss Paul and I miss my cat. I miss Mexican food and my favorite Chinese dish from the restaurant down the street from my parents house. I miss America. I miss California. And even though I will miss France, it's definitely time to go home because it's going to start getting muggy here soon and the tourists are coming out in full force making it a pain to get around.

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wingless was still breathing at 11:57 AM - 0 comments

The Virginia Tech shooter was Asian okay

UPDATE: Hello Conservative Grapevine readers! Thanks for stopping by and of course thanks to John Hawkins for the link =) Please feel free to poke around...lately I've mainly been ranting about living abroad (yes, in FRANCE of all places!) and looking for a job but if you go far back enough you will find plenty of political-type rambling!

I've been following news of the Virginia Tech massacre mainly through the internet because, well, I don't understand enough French to actually watch TV here. My condolences go out to everyone who has been affected, I can't imagine what they must be going through. I can barely even bring myself to read the biographies of those killed in Monday's rampage.

I noticed an article on CNN.com which I thought was rather bizarre. It said that the S. Korean PM (President? I forget) was going to be issuing an apology. I can see issuing a statement of condolence but an apology? For what? What does this random Korean dude losing it and killing a lot of innocent people have to do with the S. Korean government? In that same article it also mentioned that S. Korea was worried that this incident would damage S. Korean-US relations. Why? I don't get it.

I've been hearing some people say they're afraid there will be a backlash against Asian-Americans and really? The thought didn't even cross my mind. Yes, there was some backlash against Muslim-Americans after 9-11 but an orchestrated, terrorist movement joining Muslims from all over the globe is very different from one lone kooked out Korean guy who was not part of anything bigger than his own rage. Not to say the backlash against Muslim-Americans was warranted, because it wasn't, but at least the motivation behind it can be explained.

So I was perusing John Hawkins this morning and came across this release from the Asian American Journalism Association and it just boggles my mind. Are we really this skeptical about the American people and their ability to understand that this is not some "Asian thing" but a crazy person who happened to be Asian??? I certainly don't worry about it and I don't really get the people who do. As one of JH's commenters wrote:

I think part of the AAJA's motivation is that they have deluded themselves into actually thinking this is a racist, anti-Asian society and that internment camps are just around the corner if people mention that a guy named "Cho" isn't Italian (shocker that, huh?).

I think they genuinely believe that.

So we can see that Liberal Race Obsession (otherwise known as "Political Correctness" and "Multiculturalism") is nothing but a great source of fear and paranoia for ethnic minorities...

Posted by CoolCzech
April 18, 2007 12:12 PM

It is really sad that liberals have managed to convince so many minorities (and S. Korea apparently) that America is still a racist, reactionary society just waiting to lash out against anyone who isn't lily white.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:37 AM - 5 comments

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I'm feeling cautiously optimistic today. Sort of. I'm not really letting myself get too excited because I've been burned before.

Our term paper is almost done, a full three days ahead of schedule. Mark rocks, I swear that boy knows how to keep people on task. I'm just waiting to edit one more part and we're all good. It actually came out pretty well, if I do say so myself (and I do).

I have a face-to-face set up with Big Investment Bank when I get back to California and a phone interview with Financial Software company this Friday. I've also decided my strategy for informing the Even Cooler Investment Bank that I'm going to be back soon and still want the chance to interview with them if my Dream Job is still open. Heck, even if it's not, I'll take any job with Even Cooler Investment Bank.

It's funny, I decided last week that I am not going to LET myself freak out anymore. I am going to be calm and patient and not hyperventilate and imagine throwing myself off the roof every time I face an empty inbox. I am going to just trust that God didn't bring me this far in my life with no plan for me. So even if all of these job leads don't work out and I end up unemployed for months, I think I'm still going to be okay. In fact, I know it.

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wingless was still breathing at 1:19 PM - 0 comments

Who knew?

Proofing my rm's part of the paper and apparently Morgan Stanley is "Morgan Standley."

Goldman Sachs? "Goldman and Sachs."

But best of all, you no longer launch an IPO, you "lunch" an IPO.

And no, these are not just typos because they were used repeatedly throughout the paper.

Ah. I need to quit being so mean but after four months I'm at my wits end and exploding with stories to share with you.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:00 PM - 0 comments

Last but not least

It's not my something silly (still working on that), but I realized I left off one very important goal to reach before thirty. It's actually one I hope to reach before I turn 25 in July, but we'll see how it goes.

8. Start a career

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wingless was still breathing at 5:23 AM - 0 comments

Suffering a fool

Although studying in a foreign university system has been, I believe, a valuable experience, one of the things that has really frustrated me about the French system (or at least the system as it applies to this particular program) is how heavily our grades rely upon groupwork. I don't mind groupwork but I really do not believe that it should constitute more than 25% of your grade and certainly not 100% of it as it does in about 75% of our classes here in France.

I definitely understand the importance and benefit of groupwork, particularly for business/finance students, but I think it is still important to measure individual achievement, especially in the case of students who severely under-perform in each and every class where their grade depends upon only their own work and not that of others. Say hello to the competitive freak in me once again rearing its ugly head, but I honestly believe that people who should fail out of the program due to their complete incompetence and inability to grasp even the simplest concepts relevant to our studies...well...they should actually fail out and not be propped up by the fact that for half of the program they can pretty much piggyback on group members who actually understand the information well enough to get a decent grade.

In one of our classes we're writing a group term paper and guess who I got in my group? Yup, my roommate. While she was on vacation the rest of the group decided it would be best to give her something simple to do, like the history of the company, which to her credit she did turn into me for editing on schedule. But when I looked at it this morning and told her that, because it's a research paper, she needed to cite her work, she gave me this dumbfounded look and an explanation of how she'd have to go through all her work again because she wasn't sure where each part came from. Then she actually asked me if I needed her to add those in before I could turn it into the professor.


I choked back the urge to ask, "What kind of a stupid question is that?" and politely said, "Of course."

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wingless was still breathing at 4:44 AM - 0 comments

Drink red wine so you won't die

My heart started to hurt on Sunday night. And, no, I don't mean in some metaphorical, "my heart is breaking" way, I mean that I was having awful, stabbing chest pain and I seriously thought I was in the throes of heart failure or something along those lines.

Even though it really didn't feel like heartburn (the pain was very localized and too high in my chest) I convinced myself it was most likely just heartburn and went to bed thinking it would be gone by morning. No such luck. I woke up with the same stabbing in my chest and by dinnertime I was a little bit scared that I was going to, oh, I don't know, die? But I went out to Le Petite Marche with Joe, Joe's mom and aunt and Poon anyway (I can't resist those damn passion fruit creme brulee's).

Two (okay, maybe three...or four) glasses of red wine later? Chest pain gone. And not just because I was drunk because, really, I wasn't that drunk and besides it's still gone and I'm certainly not drunk anymore. So all that "red wine is good for your heart" isn't just a load of hooey.

My new theory is that my heart was missing red wine because I hadn't had any since my single glass at Louis Vins last Wednesday (five whole days ago) and it was DEMANDING that it be given some. Because you know, red wine nourishes your heart and all that good stuff. And here in France where wine is literally cheaper than soda, my heart has gotten quite accustomed to, uh, being "nourished" on a regular basis.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:28 AM - 0 comments

Monday, April 16, 2007

Everyone's a little bit racist

A conversation I had last night reminded me of this hilarious (and true) song from Avenue Q (best Broadway musical ever).

Also hilarious? The Internet Is For Porn.

Seriously if you haven't seen Avenue Q yet, go! Immediately!


wingless was still breathing at 3:55 AM - 0 comments

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Waiting for my real life to begin

With Scrubs as my inspiration, last night I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday (only about five years away!). Admittedly it is a bit ambitious, but I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibility. It would probably have been a better idea to have made this list when I graduated from college (or in college) but I wasn't an avid Scrubs watcher at that point in my life, so oh well. Better late than never.

In no particular order...(and yes I know I cheated and put something on there I've already done, but I wanted something to cross out! and it really is something I've always wanted to do, so technically it should be okay, right?)

Joyce's List of Stuff To Do Before 30

1. Finish Master's degree

2. Live abroad

3. Get married

4. Have a baby

5. Buy a house

6. Get MBA

7. Get CFA

All it's lacking is something silly that I actually do want to do...like Turk's "have sex while playing frogger" or JD's "sleep naked in a hammock." I'll have to think on that for awhile...

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wingless was still breathing at 3:58 PM - 0 comments

I'm pretty sure God is testing me...or maybe punishing me

There really is something about Paris in the springtime. Unfortunately, I'm so homesick at this point I would rather be back in Los Angeles stuck in traffic in a rainstorm (ha! rain in LA! hee!).

Things wouldn't be so bad except for one little thing. One not-so-little person who is driving everyone else in the apartment absolutely batty. I've had, um, not great roommates in the past (and some fabulous roommates) but she unquestionably takes the cake. After three peaceful, noise free, stink free days while she was on vacation in the west of France within thirty minutes of her return she had me and the Poon hiding in our rooms with the doors shut and our earphones on.

Why? you ask. Well, let me tell you.

First there was the juice slurping. Not one accidental slurp in her overzealousness to quench her thirst, but a constant, repeated and LOUD "slurp, slurp, slurp" with every damn sip that she took. Shockingly the woman is 34 years old and not 3.4 years old.

After she had finally finished slurping down two cups of juice she preceded to fill the entire apartment with the wretched stench of her fish and fried something or the other cooking. Nevermind that it was nearly midnight and the doors to the bedrooms were open. That's what led to cowering in the room with the doors shut.

But you know what couldn't be blocked out by the paper thin doors? The singing. The off-key singing. The off-key singing of someone who clearly thinks their singing is not so bad and so they don't sing quietly to themselves but very much so out loud in such a way that they obviously think other people might want to hear them sing. That was not even what drove me and the Poon to earphones though, oh no, it gets better.

The coup de grace? She paused in the middle of a song to talk to herself about how she was going to cook and then, and then, she SPELLED THE WORD COOKING. C-O-O-K-I-N-G. Thank you! You know, I almost forgot how it was spelled. But now I know. Now it will forever be committed to my memory.

When I relayed this sad story to The Hubs he laughed and asked if she spells DUMP while on the toilet.

Thankfully I'm not privy to that sort of information. (Although she has gotten in the habit of leaving the bathroom door open when she pees in the early mornings, ugh.)

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wingless was still breathing at 9:04 AM - 0 comments

Friday, April 13, 2007

A big hot steaming cup of crazy

I spent the hour before my interviewing singing worship songs and praying. Praying that God would help me to realize this is not a big deal and to give me a bit of peace, which I seem to find so elusive. Ironic since my Chinese name means peace.

So I had the interview, it went...ok. Not great. Not completely awful. Solidly "ok." Paul didn't help by asking (after the interview), "Why didn't you mention that you knew derivatives are for hedging risk?!" Um, I don't know, I guess I should have but I was flustered and he asked me about my classes and I just said what we did in our classes which was arbitrage and pricing! Gah. Shoot me.

So anyway, now comes the hard part: The Waiting. It sounds like I will get an in-person interview but I know how these things work and unfortunately how it sounds doesn't so much matter until something solid is set up.

Oh God, I feel myself going through the conversation, picking at all the missed opportunities to chit chat and "connect" (Dangit! Why didn't I ask him about his experience in Paris when he mentioned how he'd love to trade places with me? GAH!). (Don't you hate it when you sit there and think about all the brilliant, witty things you COULD have said but didn't and now you can't because it's too late and woe is you, no one will ever hire you because you are slow and stupid, but talk too fast when you are nervous? Don't you?).

You know what though? It's okay. I got my feet wet again. Back in the interview groove. And looking forward to a big tub of sangria. I'm so glad it's perfectly acceptable to drink while the sun is up in Paris.

God help me, I love this city.


wingless was still breathing at 6:45 AM - 2 comments

Growing on me

I get it now. The whole Paris in the springtime thing? Totally getting it. In fact, I'm never coming to Paris again unless it is spring.

But that's really neither here nor there. The real question is why am I awake at three in the morning watching Scrubs when I should either be sleeping or studying for my big, long-awaited phone interview tomorrow. Yup, that's a good question alright.

Gah. Must. Shoot. Self. In. Foot.

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wingless was still breathing at 2:47 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Rapists beware


And in my opinion long overdue. Vengeful? It's not vengeful, it's called justice. Stick things where they don't belong and this thing makes sure you get exactly what you deserve.


wingless was still breathing at 3:25 PM - 2 comments

Odds and ends

Oh yeah, remember how last week I was rambling on about waiting for some news? Well. STILL WAITING.

There was a little flurry of news, but things are once again moving at the lightning speed of...a snail.


And if you were wondering, I did suck it up and email the recruiter with my availability. The funny thing is I couldn't do it until I had typed up a Microsoft Word document with responses to inevitable questions. Seriously? This Master's degree is bringing out the Type-A-Crazy in me.

Bah, okay, that's probably not true. Since my best friend in college, Jesse, has been telling me since forever to "calm the f*ck down."


Does anyone know of a good wedding DJ under $400 in the LA area? We've got one for $400 but we'd like to pay a little less if possible since it's a morning/afternoon wedding. Thanks!

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wingless was still breathing at 4:03 AM - 0 comments

Can't get myself to go away

I'm by myself in the apartment today and I am reminded of just how much I hate being alone. Something about the silence, and myself, is absolutely terrifying. I miss my cat.

Luckily it's a beautiful day outside. I think I will go get lost in Paris. Maybe take some pictures, if y'all are lucky.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:54 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The inner workings of lunacy

I'm a fraud.

Okay, perhaps that's a bit harsh. Fraud may not be the right word.

Chicken shit.

There that's better.

I received an email a few minutes ago from a recruiter from a major global investment firm wanting to know when I'm available for a phone interview and I can't breathe.

This is what I've been waiting for, what I've been bitching and whining for and I can't even bring myself to reply to the email because oh my GOD what am I going to say? How am I going to explain myself? I don't know anything. What if they ask me a question and I can't answer? How quickly am I going to flush this opportunity down the toilet?

And I can't figure out why I react this way. Why I have so little faith in myself when I'm so good at giving everyone else the necessary pep talks? How can this be?

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wingless was still breathing at 11:52 AM - 0 comments

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I'm not sure it's the healthiest thing in the world but I've started reading the blog of this woman who was recently divorced. That's not what's unhealthy, though, the unhealthy part is that I've been reading only the posts in the "divorce" category and I'm not sure why.

She's really funny though. And even though it's obvious that the divorce caused her a lot of pain, she took it in stride and doesn't sound overly bitter and seems to be able to laugh at the horror of it all. She's one of those people I can totally relate to except that she's much more articulate and funny than I could ever be.

Reading her posts scare the crap out of me because it makes me wonder and panic and hyperventilate a little bit because? What if that's me one day? What if Paul has a midlife crisis and leaves me alone with four cats, a drinking problem and a bunch of bills?

Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end this way but it seems like so many do and well, how do you know? How do you know that you won't end up alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying to your cat ten years from now? How do you know that you ARE different? That your marriage is different? Your love is different?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I don't think I could deal with it the way she has. I think it would destroy me and pulverize me into little bits of something I used to be.

And I know, I know, I'm freaking crazy. Paul and I are fine. Paul is wonderful. More than wonderful. But I think that only makes it all the more frightening. I have no idea what I'd do if he left me, it's totally unimaginable. Just the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach - and nothing is even happening! Ah, what's wrong with me.

Don't answer that.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:40 PM - 1 comments

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Take From Me My Life - Third Day

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You, Jesus

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray you do it tonight

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You, Jesus
To give it away to You, Jesus

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wingless was still breathing at 2:45 PM - 0 comments

Working hard or hardly working?

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Amazing what a full eight hours of sleep will do for your spirits.

But studying for my final tomorrow is making me want to take a nap.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:22 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The suspense is killing me.

I'm so tired I can barely function. I just spent five minutes doing and redoing a problem because I couldn't get the same answer as the corrections only to realize that I was using an interest rate of 6.5% rather than 6.25%. I think a nap is in order.

Except it's already 8pm here and I have class all day tomorrow which means I have to get up at 7am and won't get home until 6pm and I have a final on Friday and I had two other projects due this week so I haven't had time to study. Until now. Ugh.

I think it's partly the lack of sleep but I'm in an exceptionally crabby mood right now. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that talking to some of my classmates has me really worried that someone who REALLY can't hack it in this program may slide by and get the degree whether or not this person deserves it. I don't know why this bothers me so much, except for the fact that I came from such a competitive academic background and having someone who I feel is so clearly incompetent getting the same degree as me is, well, kind of insulting.

I mean seriously, how is someone who can't even figure out exchange rates well enough to figure out how many euros they'll get for their dollars going to pass themself off as a Master of International Finance??? How? For the love of...

Told ya I was crabby today.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:53 AM - 0 comments

Wisdom, Scrub's style

"Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."


wingless was still breathing at 8:39 AM - 0 comments

Monday, April 02, 2007

Lady in waiting

Paul always tells me I have a problem with patience. The problem being I don't have any.

So far things are looking good but there's still no solid news. If you don't know what I'm talking about hopefully you will by "Wednesday, at the latest." If not I will probably have died from anticipation by then anyway.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:53 PM - 0 comments

Waiting for tomorrow

It's kind of weird how when you get married, suddenly someone else's big life moments, some of which you have absolutely no control over, can turn your world on its head.

I think I like it.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:33 AM - 0 comments

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Bringing my A-game

When I got to the metro station today it occurred to me that...it's April! My last month of classes here in France. Whoa. This whole thing went by so fast it makes my head spin a little just thinking about it.

I got to talk to an old friend yesterday, someone I haven't spoken to in, literally, years. Even though we don't get to talk much he's someone I've always looked up to a lot and he put it in my head that maybe I can actually make it into a top MBA program. Apparently, women on average score lower on the GMAT when compared to men - which makes my score "solid for a girl." For once in my life, affirmative action will work FOR me and not against (not that this makes AA okay, but hey if it exists I might as well take advantage of it right?). Knowing this made me feel a lot better about everything in general because now I have A Plan again. It makes me feel like there's less pressure to find The Perfect Job right away because I can instead find a Decent Job and then go back for my MBA in a year.

Maybe I'm totally deluding myself. Maybe I have zero chance of getting into a "top 30" program. Maybe even if I did, it wouldn't help me find The Perfect Job. But I feel a bit more at peace now and that is what matters.

Also, my group has our LBO case study handled. Booyah. Now all I have left is a Private Equity case study on Wednesday and a Firm Valuation test on Friday.

P.S. I know it sounds like I'm "at peace" because I feel like I have control over things again...which is partially true, but in a way I feel like God leads me to these plans...like maybe that's why I reconnected with this person I haven't spoken to in so long - so that he could give me this information which I didn't have before. I felt the same way when I was "led" to this program I'm in right now. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is behind those reasons.


wingless was still breathing at 4:54 PM - 0 comments


I forgot to mention that I booked flights for the trip my sister and I will be taking around Europe in May. Schedule as follows (for anyone who might want to meet up with as at any point along the way, you know who you are!):

May 3, 2007 - Fly from Paris to Barcelona

May 5, 2007 - Fly from Barcelona to Venice
May 7, 2007 - Train from Venice to Roma

May 10, 2007 - Fly from Roma to Athens

We fly back to Paris on May 14th. Anyone with suggestions on things to see or do, please share in the comments! I have a feeling Barcelona is going to be a sun & fun drinkfest (if I can corrupt my sister enough for her to agree to this), Venice will probably mainly be sightseeing, Rome sightseeing (and gorging ourselves on delicious Italian food) and then Greece...more drunken debauchery and sightseeing? But I have no specifics so any tips you might have would be great.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:52 AM - 2 comments

Sunday odds and odds

From what I hear it's gorgeous outside. I say "I hear" because I haven't actually left the apartment at all yet today despite the fact that it's almost 6pm. Supposedly I've been working on my LBO and Private Equity cases but in reality I've been playing Brain Academy on Joe's DS. I am telling myself it's okay because, you see, it's a brain game and therefore making me smarter. Who needs schoolwork?

I've now moved onto updated my myspace page (by updating I mean adding one picture and changing my album setting from "everyone" to "friends only"). This means that my brain is actually now melting.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:03 AM - 0 comments

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