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I have pinkeye. Super.

Labels: Life, Things that are gross

Sunday, December 28, 2008

emerging

Some of you may have noticed, in particular those I owe emails to (all two of you know exactly who you are), I've kind of been in hiding. The last few months have been a nonstop sh*tstorm and it was sort of capped off with a particularly traumatizing event a couple weeks ago which I will not speak of. But the good news is that since then I've kind of started to come out of my self-prescribed seclusion.

The new year is coming but as I told my friend Henry the other day, I don't really buy into all of that new year, starting over bs. It's just another day. Turning points in your life come when you want them to and it has nothing to do with an arbitrary date set by whoever created the modern calendar. For me, a turning point came sometime in September when I gave up something that has pretty much been a part of my life for the last six years. I've also finally become fed up with all the weight I've gained since I started taking predn.isone four years ago and have been exercising - which is something I literally haven't done since P.E. in high school...eleven years ago.

So yeah, in case you were worried (which some of you probably were), I'm doing okay. I'm trying to make myself better, hopefully getting my life set in the right direction. Paul is doing well and taking to his domestic duties like a champ (he was always more suited to it than I was anyway). Despite my complete and utter inability to socialize or communicate with anyone other than Paul or my parents, I am still here and alive and I'll come out of it soon. I promise. In the meantime, just know, that it's not you, it's definitely me.

Labels: Depression, Life

Saturday, December 20, 2008

a bad, bad thing

I've deleted this post three times already and have finally come to the conclusion that I just can't bring myself to write this.

Labels: Random

Thursday, December 04, 2008

you've come a long way baby

It's cold in the city now, I mean, cold for San Francisco, which is to say, not cold at all. But still, it's cold for California.

Paul and I are still adjusting to to the changes that have come about in the last couple weeks, and of course, I still hate change. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel or how to act or what to say about it. It's hard. It's exhausting. I'm scared and confused and not at all sure of the future sometimes. Especially when I'm alone in the apartment, which let's face it, I haven't been in a long, long time because of the long hours I've been working and the fact that Paul and I are kind of attached at the hip outside of work. But Paul has a GMAT class three times a week, three hours at a time and that may not sound like a long time to be apart but we're gross and it is for us.

I let myself go a little crazy when I'm home alone and I sit and wait for him to come back and make me sane again. So I can stop obsessing and ruminating and wondering where we'll be five years from now. Will there be a baby? Will I still be at the same job I'm at now (oh dear GOD don't let this be the case - not to sound like I'm ungrateful for my job because I am grateful to have one at all nowadays - but yeah if I'm still in this exact job five years from now? *shudder*)? But really, what's the point in guessing, because five years ago I couldn't have even imagined where I am today. Five years ago I didn't even know Paul. I never imagined I'd be pursuing a career in finance, in fact I didn't even know I was remotely interested in finance. Looking back at 21 year old me, I was a mess. I was depressed and perhaps mildly suicidal. I was in love with a guy who definitely wasn't ready to settle down with me no matter how much I tried to pretend he was. I had accepted a job making less than what a McDonald's worker makes though I was going to be a UCLA grad. I was also just starting to get really, really sick. Yeah. Wow. As crappy as things feel right now, at least they've gotten better since then.

So maybe I'm just trying to convince myself not to give up, but let's face it...things could be a lot worse, all things considered. And I know this is not an extremely positive way to look at things (it could be so much worse! is not exactly optimistic right?) but hey, it's the truth. And I'm trying. And it's all I can muster right now.

Labels: Life, the grind, The Hubs