I wish I had somewhere to run to.

[WARNING: The following contains graphic descriptions of violence.]

Nick Berg, an American from Philadelphia, was kidnapped and tortuously beheaded by Arabs in Iraq sometime in May. The murderers filmed the deed and proudly displayed the victim's severed head.

After killing six Israeli soldiers in an attack on an armored vehicle in Gaza on May 11, the Arabs near the scene of the carnage gleefully held aloft human body parts in front of rolling cameras. One of the Arab terrorists was later interviewed on film with what appeared to be a human head in front of him.

The week before, after shooting at Tali Hatuel's car, causing it to skid and stop, Arab terrorists walked over to the vehicle to finish the occupants off. They looked at the heavily pregnant mother and her four no-doubt frightened girls; the youngest was two years old. And then shot them all. At point-blank range. With sadistic satisfaction, they systematically murdered Tali Hatuel and her unborn son, as well as all of Tali's daughters - Hila, age 11, Hadar, 9, Roni, 7, and two-year-old Meirav.

In Fallujah in March, crowds of townspeople dragged four American civilians out of their vehicles, shot or beat them to death, mutilated their bodies, dragged them through the streets, suspended them from a bridge and burned them.

And they danced and cheered.

With their children.

In Ramallah in 2000, two Israeli soldiers were kidnapped, beaten, stabbed countless times, had their eyes gouged out, and were literally disemboweled and dismembered by an Arab lynch mob.

The people - and I use the term loosely - who carried out the initial beatings threw one of the victims down to the waiting mob, where his face was further crushed with stones, feet, fists and even a heavy metal window frame. One Jew was set on fire and dragged along the street as Arab onlookers danced and cheered. Some of the butchers celebrated their crimes with the victims' internal organs. One of the killers, famously captured on film, proudly displayed his blood-soaked hands to the cheering Ramallah crowd.

And it gets worse. In 2003, nearly two years later, Arab parents in Gaza cheered again when their little children dressed up as members of the Ramallah lynch mob, complete with hands painted blood red, for a kindergarten graduation ceremony.

According to a report by Dr. Michael Widlanski, an Israeli Arabic expert, the Voice of Palestine called the attack on the Hatuel girls "an act of heroic martyrdom". The targeted children and their mother, the PA radio reported only as "five settlers".

Among the participants at the funerals of the Hatuel family members was President of Israel Moshe Katzav. He said, "This day of blood will be engraved in our history. An earthquake has happened. No one in the world can stand apathetically by in the face of these acts by such evil people. Where are those who speak in the name of Allah?"

National Review contributing editor David Frum posed the same question in his May 12 "Diary" on NRO: "Where are the imams?" he asked.

Some of "those who speak in the name of Allah," Mr. President, were busy sawing Nick Berg's head from his body in Iraq. "Allah is great!" they shouted in triumphal glee as they killed their bound and helpless victim. The imams are in the mosques, Mr. Frum, waving swords and exhorting their followers to behead a Jew: "Allah willing, we will cut off his head! Oh Jews! Allah is great! Allah is great!" They are also in Saudi Arabian palaces, telling their subjects that they are 95% certain Zionists are behind Islamist terrorism. They are also writing for the Arab media, explaining that Jews are behind all the evil in the world. And they are even organizing soccer matches, Mr. President, honoring mass murderers.

This is the enemy. Don't look away.

Perhaps when another rally is held in support of Iraqi "resistance" or "Palestinian liberation" somewhere in the world, counter-protesters can remind the ever-so-sensitive and progressive demonstrators of Nick Berg's scream of pain, or of two-year-old Meirav Hatuel cowering in her car seat, or of the Ramallah or Fallujah savages dancing with human entrails.

During the lynch of the two IDF soldiers who had taken a wrong turn into Ramallah in 2000, one of the Arab murderers paused in his savage beating to answer a cell phone belonging to one of the dying soldiers.

He told the worried voice on the other end of the line, "We are killing your husband."

There is a Talmudic dictum that states, "One who is merciful to the cruel, will ultimately cause cruelty to the merciful."

It seems to me that we, Israelis and Americans, have proven the Talmudic sages absolutely correct. Please, no more mercy.

I hate this feeling of trying to hold onto something that doesn't want to be held onto. I don't know why I even bother sometimes.

I gave up trying to follow politics again for a little bit. It's too depressing. The other day I grabbed a copy of The Daily Bruin. I happened to be walking through the sculpture garden, which is absolutely beautiful right now with purple flowers covering all the trees...the grass is so green..the sun was shining that day...and then I glanced down at one of the headlines in my paper and it said there's a terrorist attack expected this summer. Something about the juxtaposition of beauty and evil in the world made me feel somewhat forlorn. I guess it all boils down to a question the article the Commissar was kind enough to link me to made me think about: Is it worth it?

I guess that's something we all have to decide for ourselves.

Anyway I got a little off-track. I can't follow politics right now because President Bush is falling in the polls and I'm scared to death Kerry's going to win in November. It's become impossible to argue with people because not a whole lot has changed and it's impossible to explain to loony hippies that we are not losing in Iraq and the whole military isn't full of blood-thirsty sado-masochists. It's just too hard right now. I'll keep doing my part helping the Republicans raise money, how's that hehe. We've been raising a lot of money for Bill Jones so hopefully (keep your fingers crossed!) Boxer will be out and the balance in the Senate will be one seat more in our favor =)

I'm in love I tell you.

First, I'm in love with the girls of Saucy Monky. We saw them perform at O'Brien's tonight and let me tell you they are talented and hot as hell. I'm much more in love with the lead singer, I was very tempted to join the flock of boys following her around when they were done tonight. Something about her voice makes it impossible to stop staring at her. I think I'm going to have to start going to OB's every 2nd and 4th Thursday from now on.

Second, if a homeless person pleads with me or the people I'm with I feel obligated to give them something or I'll go home feeling like a shitty person and questioning myself for not giving them something when I know I have more than enough. So basically it's a good thing I didn't go to Berkeley or I'd be even more of a broke college student.

Things were very awkward with Jesse tonight and I think it was mostly me. I don't know what it was. I just feel as though I have to be so careful around him. When I'm buzzed and I start blathering to my friends about some strange dating predicament I'm in, I just end up feeling like a terrible person because Jesse is there. And then I think about it and I get annoyed because I'm not with him and I shouldn't feel guilty about the things I do feel guilty about sometimes. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm living my life. I'm moving on from Eric. I'm trying to find someone who makes me happy, that's all. And I'm sorry that person isn't him, but it just isn't and I can't change that. I feel like this should be a letter to him, which it probably should, but oh well. This will have to do. If he wasn't such a good friend I wouldn't even be trying this hard. But I can definitely remember a time when Jesse was the only constant in my life, the only person who probably would have noticed immediately if I hung myself in my shower or something. He doesn't even know it but he was there for me through some of the worst times...But then I wonder...did he only stay with me through it all because of these secret feelings he harbored the whole time? Or was he truly a friend...someone who gives without the ulterior motive of sex and all that crap...I guess I'll never really know will I?

Finally, I think I am more attached to P than I'm admitting to myself. I have this fear that I could never expect to be enough for him. I'm not sure how I could hold his attention. Hm...I would write more but its late and I should force myself into bed. I can think in my head =P

P came over yesterday to cheer me up with Finding Nemo (which was as cute as everyone said it was!) and pizza, and of course himself.

I now know what it feels like to run as fast as possible through an office building in a last-ditch effort to make the FedEx cut-off. It's not fun, I don't recommend it.

More later. I have pictures from last Thursdays night's bar-hopping extravaganza.

I'm sorry that when I'm honest I will tell you that I believe there is no point to life and that there is no ultimate meaning. I'm sorry that I can't believe in something the way everyone else seems to. I'm sorry I can't have hope the way everyone else seems to. I'm sorry that I have it so much better than so many out there and yet I still can't feel as though life is a wonderful thing. I wish someone else could take my place. Someone who can be what everyone wants and expects from me, someone who can be happy and cheerful all the time, who can find meaning in life and who wants to wake up in the mornings. I wish I could be that person for you. I'm sorry.

I haven't been depressed in a really long time for me now. I think it's been months, or close to it. I don't know why but tonight I almost miss it. Strangely enough my depression was at least something I could always count on to be there? So much is changing right now I almost can't stand it. I just want one thing in my life to stay.

It's weird because I've been really emotionally stable these last few months and yet my life feels so incredibly unstable. I don't know where I'm going to be living in less than 6 weeks...I don't know what's going to happen with me and Jesse...the one person I've been able to really depend on in the last two years...The way our friendship has changed in the last quarter makes me feel so bad sometimes.

And then of course there's the whole P situation. It really makes me miss Eric sometimes. I just crave that familiarity I guess. I loved how safe he made me feel. For some reason when I got back from the bars tonight I thought of this one time when we'd been seeing each other for maybe four or five months and we went to an animal shelter back at home with Helen and Benny. There was this really ugly cat that Helen and I were kind of going "ew" at and Eric walked up and read the note which said something along the lines of "All six of my kittens have been adopted but who will take me home." And Eric said "Aww, I'd take you home." Helen and I both gave him an "Are you serious?" look but he was. He explained something about how there was something about it he liked even if no one else wanted it and everybody thought it was ugly. I don't know why but something about that day made me love him so much more than before.

It's getting later and later and I'm making no moves towards my bed. Funny, I think I'm getting to the point where I feel like I miss P sometimes. Like right now. I have a problem. I just want to feel safe. I have a fear of abandonment. I need a job that will pay for mental healthcare ><

I'm just going to ramble about random things that happened today. George (my ex-boyfriend from high school and the beginning of college) is now forbidden to talk to me by his new girlfriend. I guess I understand since I can be a jealous bitch too (this might be an understatement =) but it's me! I'm harmless! Oh well, it's okay, I know we'll still be buds someday.

Peter left his dirty socks here =\ I'm deciding whether to leave them exactly where he did until he comes back Saturday or if I should put them in a bag for him. I don't know why but some people are telling me this is a sign he wants to be committed. If dirty socks are a sign of committment...what is the world of dating coming to ><

The office manager talked to me about my salary again today...it's not looking pretty. I think I would make more working at In-N-Out Burger. Possibly quite a bit more. But this job can offer me connections I would never be able to make without it. So I will be living very close to the poverty line for at least the next 6 months =)

Like everyone else I've been thinking about graduation a lot lately. It hits me in waves. I'll be at work doing some brainless task when all of the sudden I realize that in a few short weeks I will basically be out there - in the real world. It's the beginning of the rest of my life. And there's no script now, there's no logical progression, there is no next step. I'm going to be just out there, I can do anything or I can do nothing. It's a strange feeling. I've been a "student" for 16 years now...two-thirds of my life...I'm losing part of my identity.

My life has been changing so much in these last few months, and I have a feeling it isn't going to get any more stable...at least not until July. Hopefully by then I'll be moved into a new apartment and all the other things that have been bothering me will have worked themselves out. It sucks being on the cusp...so close yet so far away =\ I really have to start trying a little harder in school ><

I'm going to Chino Hills today to take grad pictures at Thelma's photo studio and then P is taking me to see Mitch Hedberg. It'll be my first time in a comedy club not counting the one shift I bartended at Mixed Nuts.

I went to the Border Grill twice today, first for their after-work happy hour (which is better) and then for the late night happy hour (which is still not bad, but you're stuck drinking margaritas unless you want to pay full price). The $3 appetizers are all delicious =) Hehe, I feel like an ad.

Ever since I started working more hours I've been drinking a lot more often. Every Friday night, once I get off work my first thought is "That was stressful, I need a drink." I've noticed basically everyone in my office drinks a lot haha. I totally understand the concept of after-work drinks now (key phrase being "after-work" meaning you actually have to have a job). But then, even though I've been drinking a lot more frequently I haven't been drunk in an extremely long time.

Whatever, I'm just rambling now. I should sleep.

I danced with this white guy with dreads for awhile and I think he ALMOST convinced Thelma she should put her hair in dreads haha.

Ermm...okay...so I drove us home from the club because everyone else was in no condition to drive and I had already pretty much sobered up. Got back to the apartment and listened to music/chilled with the e-tards, some of whom ended up taking another half upon our return home >< Around 5 a.m. they decided it'd be a good time to go to the beach and watch the sunrise so I packed them into my car and we headed for Santa Monica Pier. Of course, I stopped at Tommy's because my sober ass was really hungry. It was pretty cool...sitting with my friends on a bench at 5:30 a.m., eating the best chili cheese fries ever and watching the ocean as the sun rose behind us (downfall of living on the West Coast...no sunrise over the ocean).

I just wanted to say I have the best friends ever =) I'm seriously so lucky to have the friends I do, both from HS and college, and the truly amazing part is that up until a little while ago (while I was with Eric basically) I really didn't think I'd made many close friends at UCLA. Okay I'll stop before this gets too cheesy and makes people want to puke, but basically if any of my friends are reading this...I love you guys!

My body hurts today.

My friends and I are heading out to The Mayan tonight! My friend Dzuy (who makes some amazing tracks) has pretty much guaranteed that the music alone will make it worth it =) I haven't been to a party since Monster Massive last October so I'm ready to have...some...fun! (Clean, sober fun for me of course.)

Going off on a tangent now...Looking at my wishlist (to buy the piano books) made me think of Eric and how he once wrote to the woman who wrote Sister of the Dream, which is on my wishlist but out of print. He wrote her to try and get a copy of her out of print book to give to me for my birthday. I don't know. It's just strange to me how someone can be so in love at one point, how you can lie in bed all day with someone feeding each other and making other people nauseous...and then one day it's just over. And all you have left are memories that don't even feel like your own anymore. It's like watching people in a movie, or in a dream. It makes me wonder if anything lasts.

I'm becoming too cynical.

I was with him for more than two years and it makes me feel a little bit like a monster that I don't even really miss him anymore. I feel like I've turned into him. I always knew he would get over me quickly and that I'd become one of those things he puts up on his unreachable mental shelf. I just never knew I could do the same to him. It's kind of scary. But then again, I am a much happier person now so maybe the boy is onto something.

The only really good thing about yesterday was that P came over after his guitar lesson and...he brought me a (piano) keyboard from his house! I'm trying to figure out where I can put it so that I don't have to play hunched over sitting on the floor. I can't wait to go steal music from my sister =)

The reason I haven't been that inclined to write so far is because I'd like to only write when I have something substantial to say (if possible) and lately I've just been really fuzzy and slightly stressed. All my attention has been very focused on a few things, none of which are very interesting to anyone who is not me. So I'm going to bear with myself and the mindless drivel I've been spewing and hopefully once I nail down a salary and a living place I won't be so distracted and boring. Then again I'm always somewhat distracted and boring.

Also, as three people have noticed, I now have a comments section. I'm not sure if I'm gonna keep it or not it's just an experiment. It might be pointless haha. Oh and I will be updating all the links that aren't working at the moment and adding a disclaimer =)

Personally I think President Bush made a good compromise. I don't get why liberals value people who already alive so much and devalue potential human life to the point where all they see it as is a means to an end. It seems a bit sick and twisted if you ask me. Another annoying point in the evening is when one of the speakers made reference to the US being the best country in the world to live in and half of the liberal, entertainment industry audience didn't bother to clap (but of course our table did, and loudly hehe).

When I got home I actually called P for the second time ever which I take as a sign that I'm starting to feel slightly more comfortable with him.

Oh yeah, before I forget:
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

I wish I could see my momma and my grandma today =\ But I'll have to settle for calling them...so if you can hang out with your mom and give her a big fat hug, consider yourself lucky =)

I feel like I'm getting a tiny glimpse of what I'm facing as a full-time employee for CC. They were talking about how my boss yells when you're one of her direct underlings...and apparently quite often. One of them said she hasn't seen any of her friends since she started working at CC and the other said she barely sleeps because she refuses to not have a social life. So I guess that's the choice I'll be facing soon and knowing me, sleep will win. I love my friends but I can't live without sleep. I'll have to settle for talking to my friends online...hm....that sounds like what I did all of last year ><

Anyway, my weekend doesn't really start until after the Nancy Reagan event ends tomorrow night...hopefully I'll be able to skip out around 8:30 p.m. or so.

By the way, I did not draw the picture in the layout, my friend Dave did. Isn't he an amazing artist =)

Stuff like this makes me feel like I'm so not ready to be out there on my own in the real world. I'm still a kid. I'm still extraordinarily lazy. I'm still slightly irresponsible. I'm still trying to have fun. I'm not ready for all this >< Ah.

I'm really hoping that the fact that I've had to study (in past classes) every topic he's covered in class so far, means I know enough to bs my way through this sucker. This is pretty much what happened the last time I took this professor too. It's hard to force yourself to wake up at 9 a.m. to get to class by 10 if you know your professor is going to spend half the time talking about rugby, soccer and the national spelling bee for god's sake.

- Meet Joe Black

Back to the independence thing...I am a little worried that it could be a really bad thing for future possible relationships because I feel a little indifferent towards guys now...now that I've realized they come and go from your life and your life keeps going. And then of course I'm not only indifferent, I'm pretty cynical and skeptical. But, it is better to want someone in your life than to need them in it right? And at least this way the person in my life will know that they're not there just because I desperately need someone to fill a void, but because they really caught my attention.

I think I'm getting too old and cynical. It was never such a struggle before to open up and trust someone new, but now it's like I have all these subconscious defense mechanisms telling me to stop before I have my heart crapped on again. I blame Joseph (yes, still =P). It's hard to trust charming strangers who seem to know exactly what they're doing....probably for good reason. Oh well, I'm gonna try to just "go with the flow" as they say.

Wictory Wednesday (taken from blogsforbush.com)

John Kerry's campaign is starting an unprecedented $25 million ad campaign touting his service in Vietnam. Naturally, the ads make no mention of his medal-throwing, war-protesting days. Or his sympathy towards Communist regimes around the world. Or his repeated votes in the Senate to gut our national defense.

To counter Kerry, the Bush campaign will have to spend a large amount of money on ads that expose Kerry's outrageous record.

Today is Wictory Wednesday. Every Wednesday, dozens of bloggers ask their readers to volunteer and/or donate to the Bush 2004 campaign.

Argh, blogger won't let me post the blogroll for some reason....Is there a way to fix this?