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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

And please pray for all those in Mumbai today, particularly the troops risking their lives to clear out the hotels. I know you're not supposed to say things like this, especially not on Thanksgiving, but I hope those terrorists burn in hell. And soon.


wingless was still breathing at 8:17 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

taking the words right out of my mouth

Stand in the Rain - Superchick

She never slows down
She doesn't know why
But she knows that when she's
All alone
Feels like it's all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears
If she stands
She'll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from
Wants to give up
And lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain


wingless was still breathing at 7:34 PM - 0 comments

the point of exhaustion

I think I'm getting sick or something. I don't know. Today was just not a good day and I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally...just exhausted in every imaginable way. I'm tired of worrying, tired of not living up to my own expectations...just...tired...of being...

I am trying so hard to stay positive, to keep my head above water, but honestly? I feel like I'm drowning.

Paul and I finally made it out to church this weekend in the city and the pastor gave us an assignment to pray daily this week about what we are thankful for. And I am thankful, I recognize all the blessings in my life, but I...I just miss the days of no responsibility. The days where I could hide in my little studio apartment for days at a time and not worry about anything really. I'm just so overwhelmed. And so lost as to where this is all leading and what it all means.

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between
All you wished for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything
You can feel
That you can believe in
May God's love be with you

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wingless was still breathing at 6:47 PM - 0 comments

Friday, November 21, 2008

through good times and bad

I'm still processing everything that has happened this week. I'm still not quite ready to write about it all, except to say that what has happened this week has pretty much been the last thing I expected to happen. I honestly never saw myself in the position I find myself in now, but I think it's going to be okay. It's a new challenge and a new opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Oddly enough, I feel much more at peace today, much more like I can see the plan that God may be laying for Paul and me and our life together. 2009 will be an interesting year, certainly nothing like what we imagined at the beginning of 2008, but interesting and promising nonetheless. And I feel incredibly blessed that despite the hardships we might face in the coming months, things could be so much worse and are so much worse for so many others who are facing a similar predicament.

The lesson that I continue to learn (over and over and over again) is that life never happens the way you expect it to. What I'm hoping for now may never come to pass, but I have this confidence that however things turn out, that is how they were meant to be. When I look back on my life so far, it's so clear that God had a plan every time a door of opportunity opened or closed, whether it be in terms of education, career or relationships. Whatever happens, Paul and I have each other, supportive family and friends, and above all our faith in the Lord - and that just makes me feel like whatever happens, it's going to be okay.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:41 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, November 20, 2008

ask and ye shall receive

Today I got my answer. And it was pretty darn unequivocal. Details to follow at some point. Maybe.

Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

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wingless was still breathing at 8:22 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it could make a lot of sense

Another day, another failure. I can't seem to help but fall into that trap of anger and bitterness and wanting a certain someone to get fired. I'm pretty sure this isn't how God wants me to be behaving but I honestly can't even say I'm trying very hard not to.

I'm not really sure how to look at this. Am I where I am because I'm supposed to be learning to overcome it, or is this God's way of telling me to run as fast and as far as I can? I really don't want to just quit, but perhaps that is actually The Plan and I'm fighting it because I feel like I need to be in this industry because it makes me feel important and smart and even a little bit powerful?

But at the end of the day it's only money, and maybe that's not what God wants the focus of my life to be. Or maybe thinking like this is the cop-out? Gah. I don't know. I need a sign.

Just when you think you're forgiven
There's no material left for confession
You'll be standing there
Look closer
Guilty and bloody

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wingless was still breathing at 8:22 PM - 0 comments

Monday, November 17, 2008

i am teh fail

So, as I might have mentioned once or twice or fifty or a hundred times lately, work is quite distressing to say the least. But honestly, the worst thing about all of this is I feel like I don't know how to be a Christian and do my job at the same time. There have been so many nights I go to bed praying that I can just be a good witness, that I can show compassion and forgiveness no matter what happens or how wronged I feel there. And so many mornings I go in feeling like I can do it. And then like twenty minutes later I'm cursing up a storm on my Bl*omberg chatbox and generally being in a rotten, completely unloving and unforgiving mood.

I feel like I am being tested every day and every day I fail. Miserably. So, miserably I am literally ashamed to even tell people at work I am a Christian - not because I am ashamed of God but I am ashamed of how I am behaving and don't want people to associate that with the children of God.

I try to tell myself it's just work, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of eternity. After coming home from Baby J's funeral yesterday I was just thinking about how our time here is so short and is this how I really want to be spending it? Angry, bitter and frustrated all the time? It's not. I want to be at peace with my life and with the knowledge that God has a plan for me and this is just one of the rough patches, but it is leading to something...maybe a better job or maybe not, maybe just patience and understanding and the ability to show love regardless of the situation.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I'm gonna say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

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wingless was still breathing at 3:30 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rest in peace little girl...

My mom called me at work this morning and told me the baby died last night. I was stunned. You never imagine that this sort of thing will happen to people you know and love. My cousins (I consider my cousin-in-law to be just a regular cousin because to me the love she has shown our family means there is no qualifier needed) are such loving, devoted, family people who did so much for Paul and I while we lived in Los Angeles...I wish I could do something for them now but I'm afraid only God can heal the pain they must be feeling today.

It's impossible for me to understand why God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to such a wonderful, God-fearing couple...but I suppose that is the beauty of faith. We don't have to understand why, we just have to believe that God's plan is for good no matter how things might seem at the moment.

Baby J, I wish I had had the chance to meet you, but I'm thankful that your suffering is over now and that your little spirit is watching over all of us from Heaven. I look forward to meeting you up there someday little one.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:04 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Veteran's Day!

Thank you for all you've done and all you continue to do.

(Oh and I don't mean to sound petty or anything, but also, thank you for the day off in your honor because dang did I need a day off. Seriously though, I continue to be amazed at the sacrifice of our military with every passing day. And I know I have to stop whining about my job because obviously the conditions could be a lot worse. Like being in the middle of a desert, thousands of miles from home with angry terrorists trying to blow me up).


wingless was still breathing at 1:48 PM - 0 comments

Monday, November 10, 2008

"America is my country and Paris is my hometown"

I take my last post back. I'd get on a plane tomorrow this second if it meant I'd end up in Paris thirteen hours later.

When I got on a plane headed east nearly twenty-four months ago, I never dreamed that a place 9,000 miles from where I grew up would end up feeling like home. I never dreamed that I'd feel so strongly about the place that if I could find some way to make it work family and career wise, I'd love to live there for a year or two, perhaps more.

With the euro coming back down Paul and I have been considering planning a trip to Europe, but I think he'd prefer to go to Spain or Greece, somewhere he hasn't been. I'd love to go back to visit either of those places again, but what I really miss is living in Paris. I miss everything that comes with living in such an amazing city. My favorite restaurants, relaxing in one of the many random chairs that litter the parks and gardens. I miss getting lost in the Louvre, knowing that I never needed to rush because I could always go back and look some more. Of course, I miss the wonderful friends I made there. I miss drinking a delicious 5 euro bottle of Bordeaux from the market down the street and the multitude of bakeries with delicious sandwiches and tarts and of course the butter croissants. I miss the different flavors of Orangina and the saucisson. I miss the metro and the RER and the point when I finally got so comfortable with it that I actually felt confident giving tourists directions. I miss the afternoons when I was on my own and I'd go to the Cuban restaurant near Chatelet, sit outside with some tapas and a sangria and just watch people.

Of course, I'm idealizing Paris, I know. But it's hard not to. Especially when work has sucked a lot of the fun out my life and as much as I love San Francisco and all it's natural beauty, it definitely doesn't have the grand architecture of Paris and the monuments around every corner.

I feel really lucky to have had the experience of living in Paris, especially living where I did, right in the center of the city. A ten minute walk to Notre Dame and a thirty minute walk to the Louvre.

What's the point of all this? I don't really know. I'm just reflecting, reflecting on where I've been and where I might be going. What I do know is that my life has been blessed in so very many ways, and the more I think about it, the more I am confident that every step of my path has been part of God's plan for me. And no matter what I might have thought at the time (like when I was reeling over the recruiting job right before I decided to go back to school) it has all led to good. It's a good reminder to me that I have to be patient and listen. The Lord has something planned for me and maybe it won't be what I've planned for myself, but it will be the right thing.

I don't know if this means sticking it out with my job for a week, or a month, or a year. I don't know, maybe it means I will have to quit. But I think God will make it clear to me when it's meant to be clear. I hope so anyway.

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wingless was still breathing at 11:10 PM - 0 comments

home again

So I'm back from yet another trip out of my beloved SF and as usual distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Although distance from my job did not make me love my job, it only prolonged my tolerance for it so that even though today sucked something awful, my head did not explode all over my Bl*oomberg keyboard.

The wedding was wonderful, since I was in it I have no pictures but I'm sure Lian will provide them soon enough. Lian was, as expected, an absolutely gorgeous bride and I really hope there is a shot of the moment after James put the ring on her finger, because wow, what a look of pure joy on that boy's face.

What I did not love? The totally effed up NY metro system. Having lived all my life in California, the first time I visited NYC I thought the subway system was the most amazing thing. Like ever. But after having lived in Paris and utilizing the metro system in Taipei and Hong Kong, wow, the NYC subway system is horrible, confusing and completely not tourist friendly. The subway lines seem to run on random schedules/routes when there's going to be a full moon or the tide is low or when it's the first weekend of the month or any other random reason you can possibly think of.

Also: I hate humidity. I really hate humidity. And I really especially hate humidity when I have to wait in non-ventilated subway holes for trains that never seem to want to come.

But anyway, I am home now and I'm exhausted and I'd like to not have to get on an airplane, well, ever, but I'll settle for a few months.

And on a kind of downer note, my cousin's Eric and Mindy had their little baby girl (their son was the ring bearer at my wedding) on Friday but she is in the NICU with heart trouble and possibly some other complications. It sounds like it touch and go at the moment, so please keep her and the whole family in your prayers...

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wingless was still breathing at 6:39 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

a few last words before bed

To my fellow Republicans, it is what it is right? We lost and it's time to move on. Even though we'll never get credit for being gracious in defeat, well, it is what it is.

Congrats to Barack for a historic victory and I'm praying that you will be the leader so many believe you to be.


wingless was still breathing at 8:49 PM - 2 comments

And by the way...

I'm afraid for what this means for the country. I hope Obama is the right leader, the leader God has selected to lead us through this difficult time. But I have strong doubts. Only time will tell.


wingless was still breathing at 8:29 PM - 0 comments

voter oppression

Wow. This election has become totally personal to me for reasons beyond what I ever really thought could happen to me...

So I got home from happy hour with some coworkers after another long day of work. Paul finished cooking dinner and we headed down the street to our polling spot, just a couple blocks down.

Even though I voted without incident during the primary at this very polling place. Even though I have not TOUCHED my registration since the primaries, suddenly, somehow, I am registered to vote absentee??? GEE, isn't that a little f*cking convenient considering I am probably only one of ten registered Republicans in my dark blue little corner of this dark blue city? Not to mention, NO, I never received an absentee ballot anyway!!

So anyway, I had to vote provisionally, which basically means my vote won't count since there's no question how SF will vote. I can only hope my vote gets counted when it comes to the propositions but we shall see about that.

I really can't believe that this is how things have ended. As I write this McCain is giving his concession speech, and while I knew this was definitely a possible outcome, I always believed that at least if I voted, it would count in some small way. Now it won't. I'm so seriously pissed.


wingless was still breathing at 8:15 PM - 0 comments

Monday, November 03, 2008

hoping for the best - preparing for the worst

Today was a lot better than I had hoped for.


I can't even think about.

I'll be voting in my blue little corner of America - McCain probably won't even beat Ron Paul in my district but that's fine. My voice will be heard. And hopefully I can help defeat some of the more ridiculous propositions and pass the sensible ones (since our legislature can't be bothered to do such mundane things as pass laws or anything).


wingless was still breathing at 8:54 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, November 02, 2008

No NaBloPoMo

Last year I tried out the whole blog-every-day-of-November thing and I kind of briefly considered it this year, but you know what? I have enough on my mind without feeling guilty about not wanting to stare at another computer screen after spending twelve hours staring at four.

But, I am going to try to blog more anyway because I think it's a good outlet for me and I am coming dangerously close to...I don't know what? Freaking out and bashing in all the computer monitors at work? Hah, kidding...sort of.

I made Paul promise that we are going to attend church service tonight, something we haven't done here in San Francisco, well, ever. There have been a lot of weeks where I started off Sunday morning insisting we attend church but by the time 6pm rolled around (the church we would attend only has an evening service) it was kind of like, meh, it's so late and we have to get up so early, blah blah, excuse, excuse. But I just feel like there must be a reason for what's happening in my life now and I've never needed God's presence more to help me just hang in there. Because seriously? I'm thisclose to something not good.

My friend Lian's wedding is next weekend in NYC and I'm sooo happy that she's found such an awesome guy and so honored to be part of her wedding...but at the same time the thought of traveling across the country right now is just exhausting. I'm sure once I get there things will be fine, but thinking about it is making me want to tear my hair out.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:19 AM - 2 comments

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