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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

You learn something new every day

I woke up Monday morning with sharp, stab-y pains of death in my chest. It happened once in France and went away on its own after a couple days so at first I wasn't too worried. But then I actually got up out of bed and started packing my stuff up to get ready to head over to my parents place and the pain was so intense I was compelled to say "OWWWWW" out loud, repeatedly. Which is something I do all the time when I walk into walls or kick something or anything along those lines but which I never do when it comes to pains that originate entirely from within myself.

So I started to think maybe I was having a heart attack.

But you'll be glad to know I am not dead and am still pretty much alive. Did you know there are joints in your chest? I didn't. But now I do. And apparently mine are inflamed, thus the chest pain. The funny thing is even after the doctor did an EKG "just in case," I started having pain in my left arm which I'm pretty sure was psychosomatic - confirmed by the fact that another doctor listened to my heart again this morning and told me it was almost definitely a musculoskeletal problem. Oh and I had a clean chest x-ray too. (And yes, I am a hypochondriac but my doctors indulge me).

The checkup this morning was actually a routine physical I had scheduled a week earlier, and I ended up getting a tetanus booster "just in case" and now my arm feels like it's going to fall the hell off.

I haven't felt like such a gimp in over two years. At least the rash is going away.


wingless was still breathing at 11:26 PM - 0 comments

Monday, June 25, 2007

Call me crazy, no seriously

So I briefly mentioned the fact that I now have a job in my last post. I should have been more specific - it's an offer. And now I will go into all of the anxiety that has surrounded and continues to surround said offer.

I spoke with the recruiter last, last Tuesday and was told the offer would likely arrive on Saturday. Since we were in Los Angeles for my little sister's graduation last, last weekend I didn't find out until we returned on Sunday that there was no offer to be found. I then proceeded to call my mom and sister ten times on Monday and once 3pm came and went and the nice FedEx man was nowhere to be seen I called Mr. Recruiter Man who told me that all the important people with the ability to sign the offer were away at important meetings and the offer would be sent tomorrow. And I'd receive it on Wednesday.

That was okay, until Wednesday came and went and I bothered my mom and Candace all day and they received nothing (except some wedding checks!) and then Thursday came and was starting to went but I called Mr. Recruiter Man and pestered him once again and he was like, "So sorry! Important people were still gone! But now they're back! And one of them signed! And offer is SERIOUSLY in the mail this time!"

And so, the offer arrived on Friday. But that's not the end of the story! The offer has my name most places (e.g. under signature line) except in the greeting it says "Dear Kristin." Which of course sent me into a tailspin of, oh my GOD this whole time they've been meaning to hire someone named Kristin! Except that doesn't make sense because my name is filled in correctly most places on the offer.

Anyway, beyond that I've now got a whole new set of worries. First, the reference check. The recruiting company I worked for said they'd be happy to give me a good reference but who really knows. The position was left off my resume and never brought up in interviews, but I did mention it to the recruiter briefly with an extremely vague answer as to why exactly I left...but...I'm just freaked out. Maybe I have no reason to be, but I have this problem with worrying and over-thinking things and seriously? My hair is falling out. It has been for awhile now. And I've been constipated for like two months and now I'm getting this weird rash on my face. Two weeks before the wedding! Awesome!

So yeah, that's the first thing. Second thing, my Master's degree. I don't technically have it yet, although I am done with all the coursework. Technically I need to work for three months before they will actually give me the degree so will my education check come up funky? Is this even something I need to worry about? I'm not sure. But I am worrying anyway. Because that's just how I roll.

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wingless was still breathing at 1:15 AM - 3 comments

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Keeping your head up

Instead of being a completely depressing downer, how about I talk about something cheerful? Like the wedding! Which, I admit, is not an entirely cheerful subject, more like very stressful and causing my hair to fall out but I'll pretend that's not happening and just tell you about The Progress. Because we are, in fact, making Progress. At last.

Hm. On second thought it's very limited progress because I've been racking my brain for five minutes and here's what I've come up with: Centerpieces! Dress has been altered! Boys know what they're wearing! And that is all.

I still need to figure out my bouquet (which, I know, I know supposed to be done MONTHS ago) and my hair and makeup (also, supposed to be done months ago) and the freaking program and figuring out how to keep our mostly male guests from being bored to death without having to resort to hiring escorts to keep them company. I'm thinking, karaoke? And alcohol? Those are the makings of a fun party right.

Oh yeah, I HAVE A JOB! It's official! And three weeks vacation!

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wingless was still breathing at 1:45 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

This house is not a home

I touched on this in yesterday's post but this place still does not feel like home. Maybe it's the fact that I am mostly alone here all day long with no job and no cat and no I do not feel like leaving the apartment because that would require, I don't know, showering? Getting dressed? And I wouldn't know where to go and I am really not one who enjoys being outside because my bed is so damn comfortable there seems to be no good reason to actually get out of it.

So yes, I spend about 23 hours of the day in bed and I think I am depressed. Or something. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, only I don't know what that is. I thought I'd shake this feeling when I get back from Paris, but I still feel like I'm waiting for my real life to start. I'm still waiting to be happy with myself and starting to feel like that's probably never going to happen and I should just get over it.

This place just feels really empty and I know I should quit talking about my cat, because seriously how pathetic right? But every time I leave the house and come back I expect to see her run up to sniff my shoes and there's nothing. It's just quiet and empty and nothing else is alive inside except me, and only just barely.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:40 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Old lady in the city

I forgot to mention that Paul rearranged the furniture while I was staying at my parents last weekend. No more nightmares. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I like the new layout better anyway.

It's strange. I know that someone my age (mid-20's, gads, can't believe I'm in my mid-20's already) is supposed to prefer living in the city, particularly in North Beach, but I find myself heading back to my parents place. I don't think it has anything to do with Paul, but maybe something to do with the fact that the cat is still living with my parents. And as much as I did enjoy living in Paris, I'm pretty much done with the city life and would much rather reside in the mundane suburbs. A white picket fence might be nice too.


wingless was still breathing at 11:41 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Stand In The Rain - Superchick

She never slows down
She doesn't know why
But she knows that when she's
All alone
Feels like it's all
Coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears
If she stands
She'll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from
Wants to give up
And lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain


wingless was still breathing at 5:10 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Of course, the money is nice

So, [knock on wood], I may soon be gainfully employed. And now that this offer is looming in my future and looks like a reality, a whole new can of worms has been opened up.

For instance, I've been so focused on finding a job, a particular type of job, with a particular type of company, in a particular industry that I forgot how much I hate working. Okay, I guess everyone hates working to an extent. Unfortunately, there seem to be very few people out there who work for the sheer love of whatever it is they do. But my problem is I've never been one to settle for doing something day after day that I don't absolutely love. Which is probably why I've bounced around into, now, four different industries. Industries that are basically completely unrelated to one another. I hope to God that I've finally found the right one, but how do I know until I try it? And let's face it, is there any entry level job that will keep my attention for more than three months?

I don't have the answer to any of these questions and being the control freak that I am this really bothers me.

What also bothers me is my deep love for sitting around in pajamas surfing the internet all damn day and the fact that this *job* I've been angling for, stressing for, hating myself for being unable to get...well it will take me away from my favorite hobbies: sleeping and doing absolutely nothing.

Of course the grass is always greener. As long as I'm unable to get a job I will want one. Because as long as I don't have one I will feel bad about what I do, which is nothing, and will grow weary of my dad asking me what my prospects are looking like. When I do finally get a job I will hate the monotony of my life and the eagerness with which I look forward to the weekends. I'm also starting to remember just how short those weekends are when you only get Saturday and Sunday off rather than the luxurious three, four, and sometimes even five day weekends that you take for granted when you're a student. Or how about this permanent weekend I've had since the beginning of May.

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wingless was still breathing at 1:00 PM - 0 comments

Monday, June 11, 2007

Next thing you know I'll be wearing a tinfoil hat too

Our new apartment is mostly set up now, which I guess makes it official: We're San Franciscans. I love the apartment, mainly due to the awesome-ness of the location which puts us literally two blocks away from Fisherman's Wharf. Two blocks! But there's still a lot of adjusting to be done and I've been having nightmares both nights I've spent there so far. The superstitious half of me is convinced our set up is bad feng shui and we need to rearrange our bed, the practical half of me (also known as "Paul") says that the apartment is so tiny it only allows for one arrangement - the one we've got going right now. Anyway, I'm back at my parents tonight so we'll see how I sleep here.

(I don't really believe in feng shui anyway.)


wingless was still breathing at 2:33 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, June 09, 2007

To that deeeee-luxe apartment in the...er...ground floor

No idea what I'm still doing up. As if ten minutes past midnight is a real late night or something. Obviously, I'm old.

Really though, I should be sleeping as Paul and I are...wait for it...moving tomorrow! For some reason this feels like our first grown up apartment even though we've already had our first apartment together in Los Angeles and it was also a studio. Of course our new rent is nearly double our old one despite the fact that the new apartment may actually be slightly smaller. And yet the fact that we are furnishing this apartment from scratch makes it feel like a more grown up place. Even though most of the furniture is still from IKEA, it's different because this time it's all color coordinated! From our comforter to the new, very expensive shelving unit Paul had to have.

So yes, we are moving in to our new place early in the morning, thus making now fifteen minutes past midnight very late. In a lucky twist of fate my knees and elbows are hurting immensely and are even somewhat swollen, for good measure, so I will once again be rendered completely useless in the moving process.


wingless was still breathing at 12:09 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Being the bitch

I'm in a funk. And I'm sure Paul is really happy about the fact that he came up a week early and is spending his time off with this little crab.

I can't really figure out what my problem is and I wouldn't call it a mood swing because there is no swinging being done. Only steady, unabated crabbiness and unprovoked anger and prolonged periods of holding back tears for no apparent reason.

Of course, certain events do not help this situation. For example I got home this afternoon to find a reply card from one of Paul's friends. On Paul's instruction I clearly marked "1" after "total number of guests attending" on his reply card before I sent it. It was sent back with two names though, and one of those names happens to be the name of someone who was expressly NOT invited. She was expressly NOT invited because she's managed to rub me the wrong way each and every time we've met and since my parents are paying for the entire shindig and Paul did not seem to particularly care whether or not she was on the guestlist she was not sent an invitation. Awhile back, another one of Paul's friends also seemed determined to invite her and managed to really piss me off. For some reason, and I admit this may only be because of my current extremely emotional state, it now goes way beyond the fact this chick has gotten on my bad side and has turned into this thing where I'm miffed that people seem so freaking determined that she be at my wedding. I try not to fit into the whole self-centered bridezilla stereotype but it really bugs me that this wedding seems to be turning into something about her when it's supposed to be about ME! Remember, me? The bride?

And I HATE that I'm like this but I can't help it! I've let Paul take the reigns on 99% of this wedding (the only thing I've really picked so far has been my dress, I wasn't even there when Paul chose our cake) but this has now become the one thing that I feel adamant about. And I'm trying to figure out how I can be adamant about this without coming off like a complete bitch to Paul's friends who seem utterly determined that one way or another **** comes to the wedding. Ugh.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:28 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Shocker: The guy is a personal injury attorney

I read about the TB infected traveler a few days ago and while the blogosphere is rightly upset over the incompetence of the border patrol agent who let the guy in, what really struck me was what a selfish bastard the guy who was infected is.

"We're sitting in a hotel room in Italy and we're looking at each other and we're on our honeymoon and the authorities are coming in hours," the man recalled. They made the decision to run.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for him because he was on his honeymoon? Cry me a frickin river buddy, the people I feel bad for are the hundreds you selfishly subjected to your disease because poor wittle you didn't want to be in quarantine in Italy. Why does it not surprise me that this guy is a lawyer? I hope that he is severely punished and, if possible, disbarred or something so that people realize that even if the government is too incompetent to actually keep you from getting on a plane and put hundreds of lives at risk, we as individuals still have a responsibility to do the right thing.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:30 PM - 1 comments

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