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Thursday, March 31, 2005

*happy dance*

So I feel like everything is finally falling into place for me. I start at my new position on April 11th and yesterday I quit my job! Happily, they're not making me stay for two weeks so today is my last day =) Plus I think I started a revolution because my boss's assistant quit yesterday as well and it looks like another girl might be ready to go if she doesn't get a BIG raise (which she TOTALLY deserves, I think the President, all the Senators and our donors would be horrified at the way we're treated/paid) *happy dance*

I feel like God has blessed me so much...I have a great boyfriend who loves to cook and who cleans and is a great therapist who also spoils the heck out of me. He's gotten 4.0's both quarters this year in school and has one left to go before he graduates, an awesome internship that will hopefully turn into a great, well-paying job and we're going to start apartment hunting soon so we can move in together!

I have this new job that seems very promising, a big bump in my salary and my healthcare seems like it will transition smoothly, which was one of my biggest concerns. I love my new church and my renewed relationship with God is just amazing me every day! Plus I have great doctors who call me all the time and take excellent care of me.

Can life get any better? =)

wingless was still breathing at 11:50 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

finger farts

It's one of those nights where I'm actually kind of tired but don't feel ilke crawling into bed just yet. My friend Andrew, who I've known for about four years now (since the first time we ever exchanged IMs and I yelled at him for being in a fraternity...who knows why he kept talking to me haha), got drunk tonight and gave me a shot of self-esteem by telling me I've been an "inspirational friend" to him through the years. I hope he knows the feeling is mutual =) It's weird how we can talk so easily and yet we barely ever get to hang out in person because he's up in Santa Cruz and I'm down here.

Anywho...I was talking to Paul the other day and thinking maybe I'll go to law school at some point and try to be a judge someday. But then I think all the stuff I've written on this here website would come back to haunt me and I'd never make it through the process of becoming one. That kind of sucks. Makes me want to delete everything. But of course it's probably all saved somewhere anyway. Oh well, there goes my dream of wearing the black robe. Even though I'm (obviously) a highly opinionated person, I think I could still be a fair judge...*sniff* I understand the difference between the law and my personal opinions...Just thinking with my fingers here...don't mind me...

wingless was still breathing at 11:01 PM - 0 comments

Monday, March 28, 2005

easter recap

I had this dream on Saturday night that the court ordered me to starve Taz (my obese kitty) to death but I forgot and accidentally fed her anyway and this cop started chasing me through an apartment complex.

Other than that I had a pretty typical Easter weekend full of family fun and church. My aunt and uncle came down from the Bay Area to pick up my cousin Jeffrey, and my cousin Karen was also in for the weekend from Boston. We did some light hiking and bouldering in Chatsworth park Saturday morning and then took a family trip to Costco where we bought massive amounts of food. After a HUGE lunch at my cousin Eric's new house (cocktail shrimp, sushi, chicken, Chinese chicken salad, papaya and Asian pears, topped off with a Boston cream pie) half the family split off to go house hunting and Eric, his wife Mindy, Paul and I went to Petco to purchase a turtle for their new spacious backyard. Unfortunately Petco was sold out of land turtles so they had to settle for a couple new lamps from Wal-Mart instead.

After that we all met up again in Santa Monica for dinner at the only decent Chinese restaurant in Santa Monica, so that was another huge meal (it was a bad day sodium/sugar-wise for me).

Easter service was really moving, there was some great testimony and beautiful singing followed by a sermon about encountering Jesus. I want to write something more about it but my mind is covered by a Monday morning fog right now.

wingless was still breathing at 10:19 AM - 0 comments

Friday, March 25, 2005

more on terri

I think this post by John Hawkins pretty much sums up my feelings for all those fighting to starve Terri to death. Yesterday outside of this dumpling place in Arcadia I heard these people casually talking about her and basically saying that the government has no right to interfere with someone's choice to live or die. I got so angry I started loudly talking to Paul about how callous some people are to talk so nonchalantly about starving an innocent woman to death while they themselves are about to partake in some yummy dumplings. I don't think they heard me though because they were too engrossed in their conversation about how the government is "butting into" people's privacy. Honestly it pisses me off when people who are totally ill-informed talk about politics. This case is not about the government butting in or whatever, it's about what Terri would want? I don't know and they don't know and her husband "suddenly" remembers 8 years after she goes into her current condition? I don't think so. Again, I think in a case like this we have to err on the side of life because death is (obviously) not a mistake that can ever be corrected.

By the way, can we start starving Guantanamo Bay prisoners to death now?

wingless was still breathing at 12:07 PM - 0 comments

oh the horror

The cramps are kicking in which means my period can't be far away =( This is by far the worst part of being a girl.
wingless was still breathing at 11:45 AM - 0 comments

good friday

Well it's Good Friday and it only took me 6 minutes to get to work because everyone else is probably still in bed or lounging around their house in pajamas. As usual I'm bored and don't want to do any real work. I'm not sure I even have any to do, although I probably do. At least the boss seems to be in a good mood today, that always makes the day pass more pleasantly.

Someone entertain me! (This is what I constantly message my friends while I'm at work and they're at work actually trying to do their work).

P.S. In case any of you girls were curious the lip gloss actually does work. And it actually lasts for over 24 hours. Crazy.

wingless was still breathing at 8:36 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


I've been shopping way too much these past couple weeks. I've bought two suits (a white one from Macy's and a gray one from Benetton), my first pair of black leather pumps, pants, a sweater and then today...I spent almost $40 on....>< lip gloss. Oh I also got my hair cut and (very subtly) highlighted. So in honor of what I guess you could call my new look (although I'm still wearing the old crap, including my dirty white Sketchers, to work) I finally updated my webcam. Oh yeah, I also bought these for the bags under my eyes but they are not due to arrive until next week (right in time for my salary negotiation meeting wahoo!). Okay seriously though, no more shopping. This is so strange for me because I'm definitely not the type of girl who shops a lot. In fact normally I only go once or twice a year because I detest searching through stores and I'm the type of person who likes my comfort clothes which consist of pj pants and a ratty t-shirt. I think this is just an "I'm excited that my joints are not creaky anymore and I'm looking forward to a new job that pays more" phase. I hope so anyway because I have a feeling no matter how much new clothes I buy nothing will get more wear than my pj pants so I might just be throwing my money away.
wingless was still breathing at 4:29 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, March 19, 2005

terri schiavo

I've been kind of half-heartedly following the Terri Schiavo case since it first popped up onto Sean Hannity's radar (I think he was one of the first to pick up on it?), but until now I haven't written anything because there seemed to be too much speculation and grey area. The last few days though, I've become increasingly disturbed by it all.

First off, let me clarify my position on the whole "sanctity of life" thing. I am a Christian, have been for the bulk of my life, but I guess, in general, I don't have the "normal" Christian view on this issue. I believe first trimester abortions should remain legal and for crackwhores and other irresponsible parents, heck I'd be okay with the government forcing them to get abortions. That said, I am definitely against abortions past the fourth or fifth month of pregnancy in all cases except maybe if the mother's life is at stake (life not health). Now, if someone is riddled with cancer, in extreme pain and told they have no chance of recovering I think they should be well within their rights to mash a handful of barbituates into their apple sauce and die peacefully in their sleep. So while I do believe that life is a gift from God, I do also believe there are times when it's best if we let people make their own decisions on these matters since it's between them and God and we really don't have any business butting in.

Okay, so now that we're clear about that, where do I stand on the Terry Schiavo case? I think that at best her husband is an insensitive heartless bastard for his treatment of her parents. At worst he is a heartless and manipulative murderer. I totally agree with Ace that he is her husband now in name only. Without documented evidence of her wishes how can we simply trust the word of a man who has denied her such simple treatments as antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, an MRI and physical therapy? A man who is now living with and has two children by another woman? When it comes to something like this we have to err on the side of life because once Terri is dead nothing will bring her back.

On a related note, I find it interesting that the same people who are advocating that we starve this woman to death are probably the same people who threw a tantrum a few weeks back when a tiger that was running loose in the valley was shot to death because animal control said it was too big for them to control through tranquilizers. They are probably also the same people who will be outside of San Quentin protesting when they finally zap Scott Peterson (800 years from now, knowing how these things work in my lovely state of California).

Liberals are bizarre creatures. I don't know what else to say.

wingless was still breathing at 7:58 AM - 0 comments

Thursday, March 17, 2005

where in the world is matthew?

One of my coworkers is lost. It's 10:59 a.m. and he hasn't called in, he's not answering his cell phone or checking his emails and he has nothing on his calendar. On Tuesday when he had a doctor's appointment he called to remind me he was going to be in late, which is very like him, but this is very not like him. In over a year I've never known him to not call us and tell us his whereabouts. We've talked to his best friend who says he knows he got home safely last night, so we've ruled out the drunk tank and a ditch somewhere. I can't work worried =(

Maybe the rich, kooky client we're trying to dump lost it and landed his helicopter on Matthew's building during the wee hours of the morning and flew off with him to places unknown. Maybe someone broke into his apartment, found that there was nothing worth stealing and left him bound and gagged on the floor.

Hmph. I'm worried.

Update: The punk just overslept. Slept right through his alarm, the phone calls, the emails and my coworker's sister banging on his front door. Punk.

wingless was still breathing at 10:59 AM - 0 comments

A Heart That Knows You by Twila Paris

Thought I new so much
But, I've got so much to learn
Got so far to go
So much left to burn
Thought I knew You well
But I struggle in Your hands
Here again you bring the truth before me
Freedom only comes when I let go
This I know

And a heart that knows You
Is a heart that can wait
Die to the dearest desire
And a heart that knows You
Is a heart that can still celebrate
Following love through the fire

You would never lead
Where You had not been
Every road I face
You go down again
Time has come and gone
Since You walked into the flame
But still there is the pain before the glory
And it is Your will I must embrace
Oh for grace

It may be for my sake
Just to help me grow
Maybe for Your kingdom Lord
I don't need to know
wingless was still breathing at 9:34 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

patience little one

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm just much too impatient for my own good. Yesterday I was coming completely unglued over all the current stress factors in my life and today things seem to be coming together. If I had just waited one more day to freak out I wouldn't have had to at all. I think God is trying to teach me something about the necessity of patience.

I'm just not used to "letting go and letting God." During college I drifted very far away from Him and got used to stressing out and getting more stressed out and then having a breakdown and crying and eventually whatever was going on would work out and then I would repeat it all the next time my life turned messy. I'm starting to realize that worry is pointless. All I can do is everything within my control (like sending out resumes, being prepared for interviews, etc.) and beyond that I have to let God's will work itself out in my life. I need to really trust in Him and trust that He has a path set out for me. My recent health issues have definitely helped me see the light because I had no control. But I guess it makes sense that it was only in a situation where I was completely powerless that I was able to understand the importance of letting go.

So anyway things really are looking up, but I'm not going to get too excited until something definite comes through. And I'm also not going to worry anymore because God is in control! If you've noticed I've been talking a lot about God lately that's because He has renewed His fire in me! Also, I'm at a point in my life where I'm in desperate need of Him and His guidance so He's been on my mind a lot and whatever's on my mind is whatever gets talked about on this blog. God rocks. That is all =)

wingless was still breathing at 3:54 PM - 0 comments

the left (behind)

I'm feeling a little bit more normal today. I even stopped by Townhall.Com for a little political filler-up. I was a little bit surprised to read in Ms. Malkin's article that the loony left still has it in them to protest the peace and democratization going on in the Middle East. But at least there was Paul Greenberg's article to give us hope for the left. Then, of course, as always, there's Ann Coulter for a good chuckle at the expense of silly lefties.

I've decided that I will no longer refer to the left in America as "liberals" because they're really not liberals anymore. If anything Republicans are the real liberals nowadays. So from now on they're just "the left."

Can you tell I'm bored?

wingless was still breathing at 9:51 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

i can't stop wiggling in my chair

Today is a very odd day. I felt very deflated this morning. And now I would be bouncing off the walls but I'm a twenty-something college graduate in an expensive office building in West LA so instead I'm sliding back and forth from my desk in my nice leather office chair. The strangest part is that I am not getting my period. Or I shouldn't be. But I do feel like I am. It must be the drugs. Or just my natural hormonal imbalance, whatever. Can't really blame it on the prednisone can I since I've been mentally unstable since the age of seven.

Anyway, today is one of those days. I think I just need to get all the job/move stuff nailed down and settle into some kind of stable routine and everything will be a-ok. I'm sure Paul loves days like today (*please note the sarcasm*). Poor thing has finals all day so he doesn't even know he's going to come home to a crazy person tonight.

The day just won't end >< It's dragging again now. I decided to leave this post open so it can be one big long ramble instead a hundred choppy little blurbs.

Hm...my system must not want me to ramble because after typing that last sentence my keyboard died on me and I had to save and reboot. Now here I am again, in defiance of my keyboard. I dare you to poop out on me again! I did set a goal for work though. I will be done with page 10 of my data entry project by the end of the day. Then I will feel like I've been a productive member of the workforce, sort of.

I just thought of another reason to be happy today! My hunny's done with finals which means I get to hold him hostage for all of his spring break! Okay I think I should end this now. This has been an excellent form of catharsis.

wingless was still breathing at 1:48 PM - 0 comments

things are looking up

I discovered a (relatively) low-sodium salad dressing that is also yummy! I <3 organic honey mustard salad dressing from Whole Foods! Did you know Kraft Low-Fat Italian dressing has 20% of your daily sodium in one serving?

Clearly, this is going to be a multi-post day. Haven't had one of these in a long time. I must be bored and filled with the need to ramble incessantly.

Between this post and the last I printed out the prayers/Bible versus and taped them up around my workspace. I bet my coworkers think I'm nuts.

wingless was still breathing at 1:14 PM - 0 comments

A Prayer for Discernment

O Lord
I do not know what to ask you.
You alone know my real needs,
and you love me more
than I even know how to love.

Enable me to discern my true needs
which are hidden from me.

I ask for neither cross nor consolation;
I wait in patience for you.

My heart is open to you.

For your great mercy's sake,
come to me and help me.

Put your mark on me and heal me,
cast me down and raise me up.

Silently I adore your holy will
and your inscrutable ways.

I offer myself in sacrifice to you
and put all my trust in you.

I desire only to do your will.

Teach me how to pray

and pray in me, yourself.

--Vasily Drosdov Philaret, c. 1780 - 1867

(found at Prayer in Particular Circumstances)
wingless was still breathing at 12:32 PM - 0 comments

sunny outside cloudy inside

I'm worried about myself. That's never a good sign. It's just that after twenty-two and a half years of living with my private craziness I've come to recognize the warning signs pretty well. If something doesn't happen soon I foresee myself sliding into yet another state of chaos. I've said this many times before and I'll say it again, the state of my room is usually directly proportional to my state of mind. My room is relatively clean right now, but I've started doing things like leaving dishes sitting around and not emptying the garbage even though things are starting to fall out and the carpet is almost desperate to be vacuumed because cat litter is starting to stick to my toes when I walk around. All these things are not good signs.

I'm just so confused. Am I trying to stay in LA or am I trying to move back to the Bay? Why isn't anyone getting back to me? What the heck am I doing here? It's just so frustrating and disheartening. I hate being in limbo, I just want things to be nailed down so I can get my life under control and know that I have some stability. I want to know where I'm going to be a year from now. I want to be living somewhere and know that I'm going to be there for a long time and I can put up artwork and decorate the living room and buy a nice fridge.

My middle finger on my right hand is starting to ache and the bumps on my left elbow have started to pop up again. More bad signs. I'm so stressed. I'm a competent, hard-working, intelligent person and I just want a job where I'm treated with respect and paid according to the investment my parents made in my education.

GAH! I want to rip my hair out. But I shouldn't because I think it's already coming out on its own. I feel like I'm losing my mind, except I lost it a long time ago so how does that work?

Sigh. I guess I'm just not putting enough faith in God. It's just so hard sometimes when you're waiting for things to happen and nothing is to believe that He really has a specific plan. I know He does on one level, but I guess I'm just a worrier and my brain gets ahead of my faith sometimes. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to stay positive but I do feel like I'm slowly losing it as each day passes without a resolution.

I can't stay at my job much longer though. I am definitely realizing that. I can't keep working for a company that doesn't care about my well-being and as one of my coworkers was telling me the other day, **** uses people up and then forgets about them. I can't sacrifice my health and happiness for a company that doesn't care about me in the longterm. It just doesn't make sense.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Yep, looking up inspirational quotes and Bible versus now. Here's another good one which I've had memorized since I was about six but probably don't recall enough...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Hm...I do feel a little bit better now. I think I will go pray.

wingless was still breathing at 9:05 AM - 0 comments

Monday, March 14, 2005

what gender is your brain?

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

wingless was still breathing at 11:34 PM - 0 comments

why referrer logs are cool

I like her.
wingless was still breathing at 12:53 PM - 0 comments

someone motivate me

This morning I happened to flip open this book of proverbs and the first one I saw read:

Don't wear yourself out trying to get rich;
restrain yourself!
Riches disappear in the blink of an eye;
wealth sprouts wings
and flies off into the wild blue yonder.

I thought it was interesting cause this is something I argue about with Paul quite often. I think he values money too much and he thinks I don't know how important it is because it's never really been a big issue in my life. I think the fact that it was the 7th proverb in the section and it was on page 77 was a sign that I'm right (77 is my number).

Don't you hate waiting for emails? I'm sitting here clicking refresh on my browser even though gmail refreshes automatically when new mail comes in. I've sent out like a trillion resumes and I want a new job now please =( I guess I just have to learn to be more patient because I'm sure God has a plan for me. I'm pretty sure I'm doing all I can.

This morning though I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, it's His plan for me to stay at my current position. It's a pretty unhealthy environment that is definitely lacking Him, maybe I'm supposed to stay here and try to fix it? But I don't really think that's it because I think this place is making me sick, or at least not helping me get better. I did decide though during my morning prayer that I'm going to invite one of my coworkers to our Easter Sunday Service. I don't know if he'll say yes or not but it can't hurt to try right?

Okay, I'll quit rambling now and actually go do some work. No more clicking refresh on my gmail browser.

wingless was still breathing at 11:10 AM - 0 comments

Sunday, March 13, 2005

catch 22

I was really desperate for a good night of sleep so after dinner last night we went to some Korean bar and had some peach soju. And I got basically eight solid hours of sleep for the first time in weeks. Let me tell you, it feels good =) Too bad I'm not really supposed to drink.

I feel really overwhelmed lately because there are so many possible changes looming in my future. I may be changing jobs, careers, locations...but it's so up in the air right now it's hard for me to make any plans. And anyone who knows me knows I despise uncertanity. I have a job offer in LA, possibly a better one in SF (but it's not for sure yet) and the thing is I have reasons to stay in LA (mostly Paul, church and my doctors) but I have many other reasons for wanting to move back to the bay (my parents and my health for example). I wish God would just shine a big light down on the path He wants me to take. I guess I should just wait and see if this offer in SF pans out or not before I give myself white hairs. Advice and prayers on how to make a decision are much appreciated =)

In other news, I'm reading Larry Elder's Ten Things You Can't Say In America right now and it is a great read. Larry is so articulate I love him.

wingless was still breathing at 9:22 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

why CNN sucks

So I've been reading a lot about the Italian reporter/ex-hostage who was shot by US troops after her release...the first thing I saw was a big headline on CNN.com which read something like "US troops fired without reason." Of course, since it was CNN I knew there was a good chance that that was a misleading (or else just false) statement. Lo and behold after reading Ms. Malkin's website, I found out it was indeed a false and misleading statement. CNN has just become way too predictable. It's funny but also really sad. No wonder they're dying in terms of ratings.

So I met Ken Mehlman yesterday. He had a nice little powerpoint presentation going on about how we can win in 2006, he definitely has a plan that man does. I'd put my money on Mehlman over Dean any day. Of course Dean is probably twice his size, but that's not the point.

wingless was still breathing at 2:01 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, March 06, 2005

mm..mm...good =)

So for those of you who were wondering, dinner came out great! First we had stir-fried tofu with bell peppers, tomato and mushrooms (although Paul really gets most of the credit for that dish). Then for our main course we had a yummy salmon covered in lemon dill sauce...which I made! Again Paul gets credit for cooking the actual salmon itself =)


For dessert we had homemade fruit tarts that were all me!

Aren't they beautiful =)

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Truthfully I've been in this hypo-manic state (which can happen apparently with the type of medication I'm on) and I've just been constantly doing things. I've cleaned my room, cooked, grocery shopped about a zillion times, gotten all my errands run...At work in the parking lot I take the stairs instead of the elevator just because I can actually walk down them now and I like to marvel at that fact.

When I get like this it's hard for me to pay attention to the news and so I have no clue at all what's going on. Or maybe I'm just bored with all the Social Security talk. I hate how the Democrats mislead people with the whole "there's money in the fund for fifty more years" (which is so obviously misleading because there's play money in the fund for fifty more years but unfortunately no real money, which will have to come from somewhere). But I guess that's what Democrats do best.

Anyway, I'll come back down to Earth someday and start paying attention. But for a little while, I may have absolutely nothing intelligent to say here. That is, if I ever did =) And I know I owe some people emails, will get to them at some point!

wingless was still breathing at 7:53 AM - 0 comments

Friday, March 04, 2005

meeting mehlman!

Guess who gets to meet RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman on Monday! ME! One of the major perks of my job =) He's doing a little "Thanks for parting with your dough in the 2004 election" tour and I get to staff one of the receptions. Very exciting stuff.

I will be attempting to cook tonight. Please pray for me.

Also I wanted to wish my little sister a Happy 20th Birthday! Geez, she's getting old.

wingless was still breathing at 11:31 AM - 0 comments

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Wow. I have never been so thankful for the ability to get up out of bed, walk down a flight of stairs, put my shoes on and even just brush my teeth without pain! My fevers are gone, my joint pains are gone and I feel back to normal other than the voracious appetite (caused by one of the medications). Sadly I can't pig out because the medication also makes me retain ridiculous amounts of water and gain weight like crazy which means I have to limit salt (to avoid high blood pressure) and sugar (to avoid diabetes) as well as try to stay on a relatively low-calorie diet. As a result all I can think about now is food.

From the minute I wake up I'm plotting my meals for the day, trying to figure out what I want to eat and what I actually am allowed to eat. Sadly most of what I want to eat doesn't match up with what I can eat. Hot dogs, pizza, cobb salads, fries, virtually any fast food, even most cereals, breads...EVERYTHING has way too much sodium in it! I never realized how much sodium people take in on a daily basis. No wonder high blood pressure is such a problem. So I've been eating a lot of asparagus (with a little mayo for extra flavor), last night I made lemon pepper salmon, I have oatmeal with a little pork sung for breakfast (or cinnamon and honey)...It's not the food I really want but hopefully I'll get used to it soon.

Anyway, I've also started going back to church which feels great. I really think that this experience was God's way of calling me home to Him. It made me realize that I am so weak and foolish on my own and I really need Him to play a bigger role in my life. A life without Him just leads down unhealthy roads and I want to live in the light again!

So that's what's new with me...I've been so amazed by all the things going on in the Middle East. God is working miracles I tell ya. And even liberals should have to admit that He did his work through George W. Bush this time! Except they don't believe in God anyway, just like they didn't believe in peace and democracy in the Middle East. Some people are just always wrong =) Just kidding! Sorta.

wingless was still breathing at 6:31 PM - 0 comments

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