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Friday, October 31, 2008

through good times and bad

Well. I made it through another week. And I must say, I've had some shitty jobs in the past (as some of you may remember) but I have never felt this utterly destroyed on Friday before. Seriously, if today wasn't Friday, I'm not sure if I could have made it through another day of work.

I don't know what I'm going to do, because I don't think I can take much more of this and I don't see anything changing for the better in the near future.

In fact, I'm fairly certain it's only going to get worse.

And it's just breaking me. Sometimes at work when people are asking me to do things and it's like fifteen minutes before the wire goes down, I just want to start screaming, not because I'm mad at them, but because I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled every minute in fifteen different directions and it just doesn't stop for twelve full hours. And even then, I only go home because my systems run on east coast time and they start crashing on me.

So of course, I've been a total shit to be married to. In fact, I'd be surprised if Paul hasn't considered divorce at least a couple times in the last few weeks.

For example I totally lost it last weekend when he had the audacity to clean the apartment, and then vacuum on top of it. I mean, the nerve right? First I yelled at him and then started bawling and he was just like, Dude? It even took me awhile to figure out what exactly pissed me off so much about him actually wanting to not live in a pig-sty, but eventually I realized it was because I like my outward environment to reflect what's going on inside and it bugged me that suddenly it was going to appear as though everything was just fine and dandy when I was still such a mess inside. He didn't exactly get it, but the amazing husband that he is, he let me cry and held me until I stopped and then made me leave the apartment with him. We went to the nail salon and I got a mani-pedi while he got his claws (i.e. toenails) groomed.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without this man. Nothing good, that's for sure.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:38 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Just now I was walking home after drinks and another twelve hour day at work. As I was rounding the corner onto my street I saw an older woman with a dog collapse on the sidewalk.

No one else was around and it was behind a row of bushes blocking us from the street. I ran to her to see if she was okay, and she didn't seem to be able to get up, though she was conscious. Her dog was walking around her and licking her face and she was crying saying, "Oh my God" over and over again.

I knelt down beside her and started rubbing her shoulder asking if she was okay. Did she need me to call someone?

I asked her if she needed help?

She said yes. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called 9-1-1.

It's funny because my recurring nightmare is that I will call 9-1-1 and either no one will answer or they'll put me on hold, but they answered on the first ring. The woman who answered asked me a lot of questions, is she breathing? Is she conscious? Is she bleeding? Yes, yes and no. She asked me if I knew how old she was, I asked the woman and she said 56. The same age as my mother.

The paramedics arrived moments later and the dog began barking at them immediately. The woman said, no, no, I don't want the police. And I said, it's the firemen, they will help.

She started lift the upper half of her body off the sidewalk so she was propped up. Her legs still seemed as though she couldn't stand.

She said she didn't want them.

A big group of firemen surrounded us, and then paramedics came out of an ambulance not far behind. They said they recognized her, they had seen her the other night. One of the younger firemen told me they had it from here.

They seemed...cynical...but nice enough at the same time. They asked her if she'd been drinking. She said, no...then maybe yes. She seemed confused.

I got up. One of the older firemen nearby seemed to understand how shocked and disturbed I was. He was warm and gentle and told me they knew her, she drank and she fell down, they had seen her before. They would take good care of her. And he thanked me.

I walked off, dazed. She was the same age as my mother but looked older. While we were alone I had asked her if I could call anyone else for her, she said she lived alone. She kept saying she was so sorry, so sorry, and that I was so nice...and I told her she didn't have to be sorry at all....

I don't know?? Did I do the right thing? I didn't know what else to do, I was afraid she was hurt. But maybe she just needed someone, someone to talk to her, someone to care. Maybe that's why she drinks and falls down? Maybe I did the wrong thing, I don't know???

I hope I see her again. I hope I recognize her. I wish I hadn't just walked off when the emergency crew asked me to leave. I just wish I could have done something more since it now seems so clear she was looking for more than just physical help.

I just wish life wasn't this way.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:51 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, October 25, 2008

poor paul

I'm sure I've been a real joy to live with lately.

I'm tired and cranky. By the time I get home I have no energy to do anything so the house is a mess and I still haven't even finished unpacking from our trip (yes, we did get back two weeks ago, you wanna make something of it?). I'm depressed and angry and spend most of our evenings bitching about how much I hate...everything.

I seriously can't remember a time in my life when I've been a more angry person.

Oh and also, the alcoholism. We went out after work three times this week (just me and the other two sales assistants, since we are generally the only people there by the time we leave). By Tuesday we decided we needed to drink after work and we have been half-joking about how we should be taking a shot at noon (when the wire goes down and we have at least passed that deadline for the day).

I feel like I'm living at work and by the end of the day, the morning feels like the day before.

Now, on top of the mountains of crap I've had piled on me in the last couple weeks, I've got some new sales people to "assist." I guess I've been lucky because my existing sales people have always treated me with respect and have even seemed apologetic about the work they throw my way. The new ones? Not so much. One of them didn't even bother to introduce herself to me before sending me emails asking me to do crap for her. I thought she was someone in the NY office (and also thought she was a he) until my coworker was like, "Uh, I think it's that chick sitting over there." Um, okay, so you really think I'm going to prioritize YOU over the people who have treated me well for the past year and a half? Doubtful.

Considering I go way above and beyond what's in my job description for my current sales people, I'm sure I won't be getting in trouble for telling her she needs to do HER job, her own damn self. I don't mind going the extra mile for people who appreciate it, but why should I increase my own workload to make her life easier when a) I don't know her and b) she's already treating me like I'm her own personal bitch and it's her first week here.

I'm just at my wits end, hanging in limbo, not knowing if I'm "safe" for a week or a month or two months or indefinitely. And truthfully if this is how the job is going to be from now on? They don't pay me enough. This was never what I wanted to do for more than a couple of years because honestly I know I'm capable of much more...it was just supposed to be a jumping off point and I was already coming to a point where I was ready for more. I don't even know what my point is except to say, I'm so freaking unhappy right now.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:54 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, October 23, 2008

this is how i'm going to drive myself crazy

It's been a long time since I've cried. In fact, I believe it's been over a year, not since my friend E's funeral.

This may not be a very long time for some people, but I remember a time when I used to cry practically every day. Partly because I just cry really damn easily (e.g. the time I cried over a Life With Louie episode - the cartoon) but also because I used to be generally miserable and depressed.

Since I met Paul four years ago, I rarely cry. Somehow that seemingly unshakeable monkey on my back, the depression I'd felt my entire life just went away. Disappeared into thin air. The odd thing is that the depression never really made sense, I don't know that it was ever really about anything, so how can being with someone make it go away? I'm not sure. I've had boyfriends pretty much continuously since I was 13 and that never seemed to help before...

Anyway, that isn't the point of this post. Lately, I've just been feeling so crushed, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Why? I don't know, it's just work in the end right? It doesn't make sense for me to get so emotional over it, but I am. And I feel like I really need to be able to cry over it but I'm so far removed from those days that I'm afraid to. I keep telling myself to stay positive, look at the bright side of things, but I really just want to curl up in a ball and sob myself to sleep. Part of me thinks it might even be good for me. What I'm doing now might just be setting myself up for something truly embarrassing like cracking at work and bursting out into tears over some tiny, insignificant trade issue when I finally can't hold it in anymore.

But then, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself feel that way again I won't be able to stop. I don't think that will happen but what if it does? I don't know. I'm just so afraid to let myself feel sad.

And I tell myself, my life isn't so bad, I have it better than a lot of people. And I do, I know I do and I really appreciate how good things are relative to how they could be...but does that mean I don't have a right to be upset? We all have to live in our own lives right? Do I have to feel guilty about feeling bad that things aren't going the way I want them to just because things could be a lot worse?

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wingless was still breathing at 8:57 PM - 3 comments

i know i said something about not whining anymore but....

Yes, today was worse than yesterday.


wingless was still breathing at 8:25 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

now i know why people in this industry drink so much

Oh hai.

I is still alivez...sort of. And drinking lotz of wine.

Work is still The Suck. But I've decided maybe not to bitch about it so much anymore because surprise, surprise, it's not making things any better!

In fact, somehow every day manages to be worse than the one before.

Whatever, red wine is my frendz 4eva.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:00 PM - 0 comments

Monday, October 20, 2008

time for more crying re: my job.

Another day, another 12 hours of work interrupted only by mad dashes to the ladies room and that's pretty much it. It's starting to all feel really...pointless. Every day that goes by my hope for staying in the company wanes a little bit, maybe partly due to my impatient nature, but also just partly due to the attitude of my new coworkers from The Other Investment Bank (the one that my company took over but it totally feels as though it happened the other way around).

They are movin' on in with a quickness which makes us (I'm including my coworkers in this because we've had many a bitch session about this topic) feel like decisions have already been made and maybe we've been left out of them.

I don't know. As has been previously discussed quite thoroughly on this blog, I hate uncertainty and things couldn't be more uncertain at work than they are right now. And sadly even Fridays are tainted now because, of course, Fridays are when they're going to be giving people the boot.

All of these feelings are compounded by the fact that I am being absolutely crushed at work. Like completely soul-sucking, spirit-crushing, pounded into the dirt, overworked. A lot of people probably work 12 hour days quite regularly but I don't think other people work the way me and my fellow sales assistants have been working...nonstop...on Friday I literally only had time to RUN to the bathroom and then run back to my desk three times. I haven't been out in the sun on a weekday since I got back from Taiwan.

Sigh. Time for bed. So I can get up again and go to work at 5AM...I can only hope tomorrow isn't another 12 hour day but it probably will be. Wa..hoo...

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wingless was still breathing at 8:12 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, October 19, 2008

american men are not this comfortable with their sexuality, which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book

Oh, hello. Feeling much better now, thank you after finally being able to sleep three nights in a row! Woot, woot. I've been having some dreams that can only be described as stressful (but not quite nightmares) involving numbers and driving (which I haven't done in nearly a year now) but I'm just grateful that I've been able to sleep in solid three hour chunks.

Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel coherent enough to write about the second part of my Asia trip, also known as The Part After Paul Arrived in Taipei.

Possibly the most entertaining part of the entire trip was when Paul and I decided to check out the club scene in Taipei (Why? I'm not entirely sure, since we've lived a block away from one of the more popular clubs in SF for a year and a half and have been there exactly once). On my friend Jesse's recommendation we checked out Luxy, apparently the "hottest" club in Taiwan right now (and, as luck would have it, was a quick 20-minute walk from my grandparents' apartment).

Paul still doesn't believe this happened because he just happened to be off buying himself a cigar at the time, but I swear to you it did.

Taiwan's club scene officially out-gayed the French club scene and this is how:

So I sat there, amused by the fact that the rest of the world seems to be somewhat rhythmically challenged, Paul was off searching for a cigar (I HATE that you can smoke inside clubs in other countries, hate) and a Redb*ll/vodka, when suddenly I saw something that made me rub my eyes and wonder exactly what sort of club we were in.

Two well-muscled guys had hopped on stage - well Guy #1 was on stage and Guy #2 was standing on the step right in front of him. Guy #2 was facing Guy #1. Then Guy #2 proceeds to slowly unbutton Guy #1's shirt, periodically turning around towards the crowd and lifting his arms up and down as if to get people to cheer. Eventually Guy #1's shirt is completely off (thanks to the efforts of Guy #2) and then Guy #2 jumps on stage rips off his own wife-beater and the two of them proceed to cheer and shout...

Now I wouldn't have been the least bit shocked by this (I mean, c'mon I live in San Francisco) except that it did not appear that the two guys were actually gay...I'm pretty sure they were promoters trying to pump the crowd up because I recognized at least one of the guys from the video that the club had looping behind the DJ's. It didn't appear like they were attracted to each other, more like they were doing this to excite the crowd? I don't know, I was extremely confused and could feel my mouth hanging open and my face contorted into a perplexed expression. I looked around and everyone else seemed to be reacting as though it was business as usual.

I thought it was weird in France when guys would push girls off the little stages so they could dance up there themselves (which by the way, I also saw this occur in Taiwan), but this was just way beyond anything I saw in the French club.

So there you have it, Taiwan has officially out-gayed France. Not an easy feat.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:40 AM - 0 comments

Thursday, October 16, 2008

fcuk me

So I've been back from my foray into Asia for about a week now. Back at work since Tuesday. And I can honestly say, I haven't slept more than a couple hours a night all damn week. On top of that I've been working 12-13 hour days and was basically told that very soon my current job won't be my job anymore.

I think it's only due to sheer exhaustion that I haven't had a complete mental breakdown yet.

The one glimmer of good news is that I may have a decent shot of getting another position within the firm, possibly an even better position than the one I have now - but also a more demanding one. So I'm looking at either being unemployed or working well over 60+ hours a week.

Somebody shoot me.

Oh and if one more person who has no effing clue tells me I shouldn't worry since I'm part of the firm that took over (the other firm) I think my head is going to explode.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:42 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, October 09, 2008

home, sweet home (almost)

Paul and I are flying out of Hong Kong tomorrow afternoon. After almost two and half weeks in Asia, I must say, I'm very ready to be heading back to good ol' California.

Don't get me wrong, this has been a memorable and amazing trip in so many ways, even if it wasn't always fun (though it mostly was) - I just really miss the comforts of home at this point. Us Californians are some truly lucky folks.

I can't wait to be back in a place where I'm not desperate for a shower after ten minutes of walking around outdoors (even though we've barely seen one sunny day here, it's still so ridiculously hot and humid! Hello Mother Nature? It's October for goodness sake!). I'm also really excited about being able to once again walk down the sidewalk without fear of being plowed over by a scooter (although to be fair, that hasn't been a concern here in Hong Kong, only in Taipei) and cars actually slowing down for pedestrians who are crossing the street.

I'm just kind of homesick in general, longing for my own bed and not having to live out of my suitcase anymore. Even though I'm happy to be heading home this really has been a great trip and I'll write more about it when I get my pictures uploaded!

Just a few more hours and one long flight left to go!

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wingless was still breathing at 9:07 AM - 0 comments

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Stupid amusing liberal of the day: Leo

So Paul and I arrived home from our dinner at Auqa in Kowloon (which I'll write about later) just in time to hear Leonardo DiCaprio talking about his new movie with Russell Crowe about the war on terror. He was saying that though it is a political movie he doesn't believe they injected their political views into the movie because they "villify both sides equally" or something along those lines...

Um, Leo? Hate to break it to you buddy, but there's a significant portion of Americans who don't believe we're just as "evil" as they are. That IS your political view dumbass.

Don't you just love it when a bunch of liberals get together and try to make a political movie that "represents both sides" except they actually have no clue what the other side even thinks to begin with?

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wingless was still breathing at 8:30 AM - 1 comments

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