But at least I know about the nomination of Samuel Alito (I didn't hear about Harriet Miers withdrawing her nomination until the day after it happened ><).

Why is it that whenever Democrats talk about a potential SC Justice they blabber on about whether or not they are "committed to civil rights, workers rights, etc." Pardon me if I'm wrong but aren't judges in general NOT supposed to be committed to causes, and instead be impartial, uninterested parties?

The world is just an incredible place. And today? Is a really gorgeous day in Los Angeles.

One of the best things about the weekend of festival prep was all the time I got to spend working with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. There were so many people there all weekend, building together, laughing together, creating memories that will last forever...it was awesome. I am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know more of the wonderful people there. And they're talented to boot! I was talking to one of my groupmates today and found out that he is currently getting his Masters in Social Work and he suggested that I try volunteering at a social services office just to see how it really is, in terms of the internal politics, etc. (which he said can make the work really frustrating). I don't know though...the idea of being a social worker still kind of scares me because I have a really hard time compartmentalizing things. But I guess it can't hurt to volunteer, maybe I'm wrong and I'm stronger than I think? I suppose with God anything is possible =P

In other news, it's taken just about exactly 53 hours for me to feel the panic of "Oh my gosh, what if no one will ever hire me again?" Someone will hire me again, right? RIGHT?

I mean...are you kidding me? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I mean after they completely took Bill Bennet's words out of context recently, it shouldn't really surprise me that they would go even further and take the final goodbye of a brave American marine and then twist it into whatever works best for their own selfish purposes...

There are so many things to say about this story. First, it is heartbreaking that such a fine young man is gone from our midst. It is pathetic that the New York Times can't even respect his memory enough to not mutilate his final goodbye to his girlfriend. It is disgusting that they don't have enough respect for those who loved him, who are still and probably always will be grieving his death. I would say the New York Times should be ashamed of itself but liberal moonbats like those who work at the Times probably feel about as ashamed as my cat does when she purposely pees on my bed in protest of an unchanged litterbox.

(Okay, weird analogy, but I'm running on very little sleep here, so cut me a break please).

Anyway, the part of his letter that struck me the most was this:

I'm here helping these people, so that they can live the way we live. Not have to worry about tyrants or vicious dictators. To do what they want with their lives. To me that is why I died. Others have died for my freedom, now this is my mark."

How the New York Times could twist that into what they did, can only be explained by the miracle of liberal goggles...they see what they want to see and if it's not there, hell they'll make it work anyway.

I was reading Chapter 7 of The Purpose Driven Life last night before I tried (really hard) to go to bed and there was a paragraph where the author was talking about how we were all given certain gifts for a reason and if your gift is in helping others that is what you should be doing.

I don't know maybe I have just been looking so hard that I see signs everywhere and it's really just me speculating about my life using completely unrelated things...or on the other hand maybe the problem with how I was living before was that I refused to see the signs in anything.

Paul is right, I am too extreme for my own good. I need balance.

When Paul came home he said that maybe God was just using me to help those that I was able to during my brief stint as a recruiter. I do definitely feel content with the time I spent there because I do feel I was able to do some good while I was there. The fact that I did feel like I was there to help people, whether or not that SHOULD have been my goal, leads me to believe that people who otherwise would not have been given a chance, were given one because I was willing to stick my neck out for them and risk having it chopped off.

Just because I am not used to being unemployed, I started browsing Career Builder when I got home and found a few jobs that seem interesting. Mainly I was looking at the non-profits and human resource positions...But, I still want to go back to school next year, so what's the point? It doesn't make sense to take another career-oriented job when I'll have to quit in the fall anyway. I should probably start looking into being an SAT tutor (hey my SAT score got me one job already).

Okay, I have a long day of Harvest Festival prep ahead of me so I should force myself to go lie down despite...whatever it is I'm feeling.

Anyway, I might as well talk about something kinda-sorta related to politics (but actually mainly about my life). Today? I officially became unemployed. But I am surprisingly okay about it. The truth is I saw it coming, I knew I wasn't sales material maybe since the day I started. And they told me that was their main concern when they hired me. I guess there was just no way for me to prove myself as a sales person when I HATE being pushy and aggressive, especially when it comes to something like people's jobs.

It's also something I've been praying on a lot recently because I have been having ethical/emotional difficulties dealing with certain aspects of the job. I felt like maybe God was pushing me in another direction but wasn't too sure. I guess this was my clear answer.

So how does this remotely have anything to do with politics? Because I've decided I will be applying for a master's degree program and hopefully starting next fall. What will I be studying? Why political science of course! I know it's going to be a rough road what with all the liberals in academia but hey I got kind of used to it at UCLA and I almost miss arguing with those crazy moonbats on campus. This was the first job that really took me away from reading/writing about politics and I really, really missed it. I mean, I was so out of it I didn't even realize Hurricane Katrina was a "big deal" until WAY after everyone else in the country (I feel I could insert a rather obvious joke here but I won't).

So yes, I'll be a broke student yet again, but I'm kind of used to it and I'm not exactly high maintenance...I am quite happy in a college sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants.

One last thing, even though I do feel that what happened is most likely all for the best considering my long term goals and my personality...it's still really freaking embarrassing. I've NEVER not been good at a job before and it really bugs me. But I'll get over it.

Also, again, if anyone is in the Chatsworth, CA area and wants to take their kids to the best harvest festival in the valley on Monday the 31st, please, please email me or leave a comment and I will give you all the info! There's going to be a bouncy house, an 18-foot rockwall, free cotton candy, a dunk tank, tons of candy and skill games and other types of booths set up! (Another positive of no longer having a job is being able to go early on Monday to help set up).

I can't really describe what I'm feeling right now. I suppose there's the hurt pride issue. But we aren't supposed to have pride anyway right? So I can let that go easily enough I think. I'm sure the sense of relief will follow. And then perhaps the worry of wondering, "How the HELL am I going to pay all these bills?"

Harvest Festival prep tonight. Wish us luck.

I am the type of person who needs to work towards more than money - I need a cause, a goal, something to believe in, support and even fight for. Something that has meaning beyond what kind of house or car or clothes it can allow me to afford.

It breaks my heart that my job ISN'T to help people. To support people. To make other people's lives a little bit better and to give them some hope. To shed some light.

Maybe it's because I grew up with the luxury of never having had to worry about money. I had, for the most part, a wonderful and lavish childhood where I never wanted for anything and always had more than what I needed. Money? Has never mattered to me, it has never been an issue, I have always had the luxury of assuming that I will never go hungry or not have a roof over my head. I am fully aware of how lucky this makes me. But my point is, I think it's hard for me to conform to the money-centeredness of the world because I've never had to struggle the way others have. Money is important to some people because they know what it's like to not have money and to need it and to suffer for the lack of it. I, on the other hand, am allowed to remain naive and idealistic, believing that I can find a career where what I do is bring a little light to the lives of others, money be damned.

What is my point? As per usual, I don't know. I found some things out today that certainly make it look as though God is flinging open doors but I'm still just not sure. Sigh.

I must say sitting in a company box (on the 50-yard line no less) is pretty sweet but I missed the feeling of being in the thick of the students, surrounded by the cheering and the yelling and all the energy. But then again in the stands there is no free fruit slices and popcorn and hoagies and chicken strips and veggie platter and tons of free booze and sodas...

My conclusion on box vs stands? If he can get box tickets again, I'll happily tag along, but if he can only swing some stand tickets I won't mind one bit either.

GO BRUINS! U-C-L-A FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! WHOO!

The last few days I have been doing a lot of worrying. Worrying about losing my job, worried about not losing my job, worrying about my body, worrying about the future. Wondering what my future is. I love that I know have people around me to remind me that none of this is in my hands. Sure there are things I can do to try to keep my job (and I am) but ultimately it's not my decision is it? And on the flip side, when I was thinking, hey wouldn't it be nice if I lost my job and got to collect unemployment and get ready to go back to school - but that's really not up to me either. If they decide to keep me, I'm certainly not going to quit at this point. Essentially there is no point in worrying because whether I keep my job or lose it, is really not up to me. I can do what I can, but if they have this perception of me as a meek, nice little girl who is simply not cut out for the cut-throat aggressive world that is sales...well that's that isn't it?

Honestly, I believe you can stay a nice person and still be a good recruiter. Being nice doesn't automatically mean you're a bad judge of character and so far I haven't put anyone to work that isn't doing a good job (well maybe one girl, but cmon that was like my second week of work when I found her!). Perhaps it is foolish to believe God gets involved in our work lives, but I really believe as long as I am faithful to Him, He will guide me in the people I meet and put to work. So far, so good. I believe He will help me to trust the right people.

One thing that made me pretty happy this week in terms of work...awhile ago I interviewed this youth pastor who has just started a family and thus has decided he needs to venture forth and try finding a job that will allow him to support his family...so he's trying to use his degree in biochemistry...unfortunately when you've been out of school for seven years and have not worked in a lab for a single day in those seven years it is pretty much impossible to get a job in a lab again. Even a $12 an hour job in a lab. (Yes, it's crazy, I know, and here's a little advice from me to all the science-majors out there - well, one, CHANGE YOUR MAJOR IMMEDIATELY, unless you are pre-med, you are doomed to a life of low-pay and under-appreciation - but also, if you want to work in a lab, then never, never be out of the industry for more than 6 months or possibly a year).

Anyway, this week we got a one-month long assignment for which the only requirements were "someone responsible and detail-oriented." My mind went immediately to the youth pastor. So I got to put the youth pastor to work! It's only a month-long assignment and he's not making much but, hey, he's back in a lab and hopefully this will help him out! I really enjoy that aspect of my job, but then I was quickly reminded that that may be a consequence of the job, but the point is to make money and find someone who will make me look good, whether or not it is helping them out is not supposed to be my focus.

I have to admit, though, it is kind of a focus for me. I want my life to be about making things better for other people. My good friend Lian says it's the idealist in me. I had a long conversation with her yesterday and we both came to the conclusion that growing up where we did, so sheltered and naive of how the "real world" works...has left us in shock now that we have been thrust out.

Before I worked at this job, I never really knew people who were so money-motivated and yet still such nice people. Somehow, though, they have this ability to separate work from their personal life, like business is cold-hearted and calculating, but they can be so loving and friendly the rest of the time. I don't know, I can't do that. And I'm certainly not saying there is anything wrong with people who are driven by capitalism and making money (as long as they can stay nice people and don't do unethical things - which people in my company definitely do not do) because hey, I'm a Republican and am realistic about what makes our country run...but can I be part of it myself? I don't know. I don't think so. I can't view people as money and objects to be used for my own gain and betterment. I want to be used for the betterment of others. That is what would make me happy.

Where am I going with all of this? Honestly, I don't know. But I guess all of these thoughts are what is driving me to believe that ultimately I do want to go back to school and become a professor. Because I think I can only stay in this money-driven environment for so many years before it crushes me completely. For now, I can handle it, and need to, because hey, where am I going to get the money for grad school right? So I guess I need to make myself a little bit more money-motivated for now. I don't know. Don't mind me, rambling.

FINALLY I CAN SLEEP IN!

The chapter tonight was about trust and who we trust and who we should trust. Perry, our shephard group leader, tied it into our struggles with work and school and how so often we look to ourselves and all these things we have no control over even though we think if we just try our hardest then everything will work out as we want.

Maybe I haven't really given my issues with my life and, more specifically, work, over to God. Maybe I am just relying on myself and my own judgment and completely blocking out what it is He really wants me to do with my life? But, I don't know why, it's so clouded and I'm not getting a clear message? Or maybe I am and I'm just being blind. Sigh. I wish He would give me a burning bush or at least a really clear dream like they have in all the Bible stories. You know, where the angel comes to them and tells them something really specific they need to do with their life.

But I guess this is part of life. Struggle. Struggling to fight off the devil and earthly temptations. Struggling to keep God in your line of sight. Struggling to trust completely in Him and let go of believing in your own power. I really liked what Perry had to say tonight when he said that when he takes pride in something like work he knows he is trusting in himself and not in God. Because if you are trusting in God then you know it isn't you, but God working through you, in all aspects of your life.

Okay, it's late and I'm rambling. Hey if anyone is in the San Fernando Valley and wants to take their kid(s) to what is going to be, without a doubt, the most incredible harvest festival ever, then let me know and I'll post up info!

Which is just fabulous. Exactly what I need. As if I don't have enough to worry about in terms of keeping my job, but now I have to schedule my zillionth doctor appointment which is probably going to lead to me not having a job and thus plenty of time for future appointments. Yay.

It got me so down that even though my work day was pretty productive I started sobbing on the drive home. And then I got home and laid down on the floor and kept crying. I think I am okay now.

I just....I don't want to deal with my body anymore. I'm so sick of being sick and I love my doctors but I'm sick of seeing doctor after doctor after doctor. And I hate that the people at the freaking pharmacy start pulling out my 8 gillion prescriptions before I even open my mouth to say my name because they already know who I am because I'm there so dang often. I hate it. I want to just...quit. But I can't. Because what? Quit life?

So one more thing is wrong with me and I don't know what to do anymore. I know that life is supposed to be struggle and the hardships make the good times that much more precious and blah blah blah, but I'm soo tired. I'm just so tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for a hundred years and never have to see another doctor for as long as I live.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not all that worried about it. I probably should be, because my six and eight week reviews were less than stellar (more energy! more aggressive! stop being so nice!) but I'm just...not. I don't know what it is. I guess I feel like I am trying and I will be a good recruiter given some time. And maybe, yes, I am a little too nice and like the helping-people-aspect of my job a little too much, but I don't know? I'm getting pickier? I'm trying to be louder on the phone and more energetic in general?

I'm doing my best and you know what if my best isn't good enough then maybe this just isn't the right position for me. As much as I do like this job, it's NOT the end of my world if I lose it. I believe God will provide.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose my job by any means, and this is definitely the best company I've ever worked for, but I think I can handle losing it. Of course, I may totally lose my *expletive deleted* if it actually ever happens, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? If I disappear suddenly in two weeks, never to return, it probably means I offed myself in a fit of post-I-got-fired-blues.

Or I might be all like "PRAISE GOD! HE MUST WANT ME TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL AND IS GIVING ME A CLEAR BOOT IN THAT DIRECTION!"

Only time will tell I guess.

The longer I'm on them, the more I feel like yes, they do indeed suck. The drugs I mean. They're a pain to remember to take. The prednisone has a ton of side effects (including but not limited to: high blood pressure, high blood sugar, STRETCHMARKS - big angry red ones at that, weight gain and weird fat redistribution), the cellcept could be giving me cancer and the plaquenil could be making me blind (well not really cause supposedly the eye doctor can see it in its very early stages and can stop the plaquenil before it does any real damage).

I think at first when I was so sick and the drugs made me feel SOOO much better that I didn't care. Now...I'd really like a way off of them. But how?

Actually, I know the answer to that. I'm just so lazy. Sigh.

See at the end of every sermon, Pastor Dave asks, during the prayer, if anyone wants to start a personal relationship with Jesus for the first time, and if so to raise their hands while all eyes are closed. I admit it. Sometimes? I peak. Usually I just sneak a quick glance over at Paul while I'm praying that God is doing His work on him.

Recently, though, I haven't been looking and I'm not really sure why. It's not like I'm concentrating any harder but I guess I got a little bit disappointed looking over time after time and not seeing any movement. So I decided, hey, it'll happen when it happens and it's not like I won't find out about it. The pastor has been coming up to him after sermon on Sunday's and telling him, "You're close, I can see it in you," so I knew that if it did ever happen the pastor was sure to call some attention to it afterwards by praying with him or something of the sort.

Anyway, today right after the sermon ended, I was completely oblivious that something miraculous had just occurred and was chatting away with my cousin Mindy when our small group leader, Perry, came up to Paul and shook his hand. Perry had this weird smile on his face. I was asking him some random questions and I noticed he didn't really seem to be trying to talk to me, but Paul, so I let the two of them have their own convo while I wandered away towards my sister. However, as I was walking off I heard Perry say, "So I heard that you, uh, accepted Christ today?"

I paused.

Did Paul just NOD??

I went up to the front where my sister was and told her the good news. When we turned around there was a group of people in a circle around Paul. An assistant pastor, my cousin Eric, Perry, Pastor Dave and maybe a couple of other guys. My sister told me to go over but it looked like a male bonding moment so I just let it be.

Apparently EVERYONE else opened their eyes and knew it was Paul before I did. My sister said she knew one of them was Paul when Pastor announced that three people had come to Christ. I wish I had, had that sort of faith. My cousin's Eric and Jeffrey both said they looked. Eric said he knew even before church today that today would be the day. Apparently we have all been praying the same thing.

I really love how loving my family is and how they have totally taken in Paul as one of their own. I love my church. I am so blessed. And praise God!

*chirp* *chirp*

There are only five of us, including Paul and I and the small group leader, so hopefully there will be a lot of great fellowship and bonding. I'm at a point in my life where I'm really feeling the need to interact with others of faith and for some reason I am really looking forward to feeling accountable in terms of truly becoming a part of the body of the church. I want to be involved.

I feel like I've finally taken the first real step to "going home," if you know what I mean.

You see, once upon a time he was ranked number one in this game that's kind of like that game in the arcades where you shoot zombies, except in this game you have to type the words written on the zombie chests in order to kill them.

When we both got home from work today, he showed me how he had downloaded a demo version of the game and then proceeded to challenge me. I beat his score. He then beat mine. Then I beat him again. Then he beat me again. Then I beat him again. And then...he kept failing to beat me.

And eventually he had a total meltdown and started pounding the keyboard frantically while I danced around and took some bows and told him to admit he had met his match!

Of course, he refused. But he did turn his computer off.

I WEEEEN! Finally! That's what he gets for always winning when we wrestle.

The house? Is a bit of a journey away from the strip. But it was very nice and comfortable and the weather was surprisingly beautiful all weekend long. Mid 80's and breezy. After dropping off our stuff and changing we headed back toward the strip. We went to Wynn to get tickets for Avenue Q and then ended up catching the end of the champagne brunch. Meaning, we got to stay for dinner =) Alaskan king crab legs!

And I was good and drunk for the show, which only made it all the better.

When we came out of the show I learned that UCLA beat Cal! Which was made all the sweeter by the fact that I had put twenty bucks on my Bruins before brunch. I was debating whether or not I should put money on Cal so that I'd be happy either way, but then I decided I should have some faith in my team and it paid off (for once).

Anyway we were supposed to hang out while Paul's friends had dinner, and then eventually meet back up with them but we got sleepy and ended up heading back to the house around 9:30pm. In bed by 10:30pm. And then we slept for twelve hours.

Actually I woke up around 6ish, dehydrated and feeling hung over. But eventually I went back to sleep and woke up with a sinus headache. We got up, cleaned up the house a bit and locked up. Stopped by the outlet mall on our way back down to the strip where we had the Bellagio brunch (no champagne) and then went to Aladdin for some special Swiss chocolates (and H20 products for me). After that headed home and once again I was in bed at a decent hour.

Surprisingly tame for Vegas huh? But that's how I like it.

I hate to say it but I definitely feel what they write. I would probably be writing it too if I weren't so damn tired. Oh, George, what have you done this time? Why are you always so eager to bend over and take it when the Democrats get cranky? It must be your well-known need to be liked by everyone. Too bad for Bush the lefties in this country would still hate him even if he did everything they wanted. They'd find something to complain about. They always have Vietnam and the slaughter of the Native Americans to be upset over. (Notice it wouldn't make sense to blame Bush for these things but that has never stopped them before).

I wonder if President Bush is paying attention to what all the people who worked so frigging hard to get him where he is today are saying. Because he definitely should be. I hope that someone he listens to is telling him to withdraw the nomination in a timely manner. I cling to the hope that there will be a Supreme Court Justice Janice Rogers Brown.

Paul is in Riverside tonight so I've been watching things like FBI Files and New Detectives all night long. This can't be good for me.

I bet most people would think, Wow that's great! You guys get to spend some time in Vegas on your own for once!

Well, they'd be wrong. Paul's parents are always nice enough to get us our very own suite at the Venetian and usually we get some food comped as well. Other than seeing them at dinner time (which is always something delicious and lavish) they like to do their own thing and gamble.

This time? Well, luckily I have an uncle with an extra house in North Vegas and he is nice enough to let the family reserve it for weekends. So we're going to be about thirty miles away from the strip and there shall be no delicious comp-ed meals and no lounging about in a luxurious suite and watching Paul through the glass-shower door.

And to top it all of, I'm going to be there with a bunch of not-in-college-anymore-but-we're-still-frat-boys. Wish me luck. I hope I remember to bring my camera.

Anyway, I was going to write more but then I got distracted by AIM. Which I am never on anymore. And it's almost 10 o'clock now and I slept HORRIBLY last night so I'm going to bed.

But, the basic gist of what I was going to talk about was that today made me feel good about my company and what it stands for.

Is it sad that lately what I feel the most is, tired?

I signed up to be a TA in December for the "Honeybees" at my church. The Honeybees are the 2-3 year olds. There are over twenty of them. Wish me luck. I also became a member of the church, officially. I took the class and I signed on the dotted line.

I am trying to turn things around for the better. Try to figure out what God really wants me to do with my life.

Also, I can't believe who President Bush nominated for the SC. Harriet WHO? WHAT HAPPENED TO JANICE ROGERS BROWN =( Sigh. President Bush seriously doesn't get who elected him this time around does he.