I haven't been depressed in a really long time for me now. I think it's been months, or close to it. I don't know why but tonight I almost miss it. Strangely enough my depression was at least something I could always count on to be there? So much is changing right now I almost can't stand it. I just want one thing in my life to stay.

It's weird because I've been really emotionally stable these last few months and yet my life feels so incredibly unstable. I don't know where I'm going to be living in less than 6 weeks...I don't know what's going to happen with me and Jesse...the one person I've been able to really depend on in the last two years...The way our friendship has changed in the last quarter makes me feel so bad sometimes.

And then of course there's the whole P situation. It really makes me miss Eric sometimes. I just crave that familiarity I guess. I loved how safe he made me feel. For some reason when I got back from the bars tonight I thought of this one time when we'd been seeing each other for maybe four or five months and we went to an animal shelter back at home with Helen and Benny. There was this really ugly cat that Helen and I were kind of going "ew" at and Eric walked up and read the note which said something along the lines of "All six of my kittens have been adopted but who will take me home." And Eric said "Aww, I'd take you home." Helen and I both gave him an "Are you serious?" look but he was. He explained something about how there was something about it he liked even if no one else wanted it and everybody thought it was ugly. I don't know why but something about that day made me love him so much more than before.

It's getting later and later and I'm making no moves towards my bed. Funny, I think I'm getting to the point where I feel like I miss P sometimes. Like right now. I have a problem. I just want to feel safe. I have a fear of abandonment. I need a job that will pay for mental healthcare ><