Last night I got a mild fever (100 degrees) and almost had a nervous breakdown. It kind of got to me, maybe I've just been suppressing it all this time, but I was finally like...why me? When is it going to get better? Is it going to get better? Or am I going to wake up every morning dreading the moment I have to get out of bed because my knees, ankles and hips hurt like I'm ninety and have advanced arthritis? Am I going to have to go on dialysis? How is this biopsy going to go?

I don't think people my age can ever appreciate how lucky they are to be able to move without pain. I'm tired all the time and when it rains I can't even get out of bed at all. Sometimes when I think about it my eyes tear up and I just want to start crying but I know I can't. There's no point. And I want to be positive and optimistic for everyone else too. My mom has high blood pressure and my dad has enough stress over my grandmother, their 22-year-old daughter isn't supposed to be adding to that strain with this freakish disease.

My job is also causing me so much stress. I wish I could just quit but I need to pay my bills, especially now that I'm probably going to have sizeable medical bills. My work environment is simply unacceptable, the stress levels, the hostility in the workplace, the ridiculously low pay...I can barely remember why I started working here in the first place, except that I wanted to contribute to President Bush winning the election in some way. Now that that's over why am I here? Just because I have no better alternative. Hopefully God will answer my prayers soon...Sigh.

Okay I'll quit being such a downer now.