I'm just so confused. Am I trying to stay in LA or am I trying to move back to the Bay? Why isn't anyone getting back to me? What the heck am I doing here? It's just so frustrating and disheartening. I hate being in limbo, I just want things to be nailed down so I can get my life under control and know that I have some stability. I want to know where I'm going to be a year from now. I want to be living somewhere and know that I'm going to be there for a long time and I can put up artwork and decorate the living room and buy a nice fridge.

My middle finger on my right hand is starting to ache and the bumps on my left elbow have started to pop up again. More bad signs. I'm so stressed. I'm a competent, hard-working, intelligent person and I just want a job where I'm treated with respect and paid according to the investment my parents made in my education.

GAH! I want to rip my hair out. But I shouldn't because I think it's already coming out on its own. I feel like I'm losing my mind, except I lost it a long time ago so how does that work?

Sigh. I guess I'm just not putting enough faith in God. It's just so hard sometimes when you're waiting for things to happen and nothing is to believe that He really has a specific plan. I know He does on one level, but I guess I'm just a worrier and my brain gets ahead of my faith sometimes. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to stay positive but I do feel like I'm slowly losing it as each day passes without a resolution.

I can't stay at my job much longer though. I am definitely realizing that. I can't keep working for a company that doesn't care about my well-being and as one of my coworkers was telling me the other day, **** uses people up and then forgets about them. I can't sacrifice my health and happiness for a company that doesn't care about me in the longterm. It just doesn't make sense.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Yep, looking up inspirational quotes and Bible versus now. Here's another good one which I've had memorized since I was about six but probably don't recall enough...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Hm...I do feel a little bit better now. I think I will go pray.