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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

my tongue still burns

Maybe it's just because I'm sick or something but I feel I am in a very bad place mentally right now. Damn the rain. Damn my sensitive inner ear and fragile emotional state.

Paul says I give up too easily and maybe I do. On days like today I wish I could wish myself into oblivion. Do other people feel this way? Like they want to stop existing?

Even though no one likes work, I'm glad I don't stay home every day anymore. It leaves me too much time to think. To worry. Wonder. Hate myself. Think of reasons to hate myself. Think of reasons the world is a pointless, pathetic mess. Sometimes I wish I could just close myself off. I hate seeing people who are suffering, no matter what the reason. But I don't really know what to do about it. Sometimes I wish I were just a liberal because then at least I could lie to myself and tell myself that giving these people handouts with no accountability would actually be helping them....But alas, I am not that naive.

I don't think most liberals understand what it means to be a conservative. On the other hand I think the vast majority of conservatives know exactly what liberals are thinking and why. Why do I believe this? Because I honestly believe that most conservatives have, at one point in their lives or another, been liberals. We've thought liberal thoughts and felt liberal feelings. I remember very clearly a time in my life where I was angry at "America" for the senseless slaughter of Native Americans. Not that that sums up what it means to be liberal, but that's just an example of how different my thinking used to be and how much it has changed.

On the flip-side most liberals seem to be disgusted at the idea that they could ever be or ever have been conservative. They are PROUD not to understand conservative thought and ideology. These last two paragraphs were a total tangent and I don't know what my point is here. I guess I was just reflecting on how I totally get why liberals think what they do but they never get us. Emotions are easy for people to understand, because our first reaction is always emotion. It takes something more to carefully think things through I suppose.

Okay enough babbling for now. I'm supposed to be resting or something.

wingless was still breathing at 10:59 AM -

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