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Saturday, October 22, 2005

going forward like a turtle stretching its neck out

I'm going to try being less bipolar on my blog and more just manic. There is a lot for me to be thankful for and I think when I let myself get into such a low mood, I stay there when I keep reinforcing it with all of my whiny writing. Sure, my life can be hard at times, but who's isn't? And certainly, things could be worse. I still have a roof over my head, food in my belly, people who love me dearly, a wonderful church support system and, of course, the Lord. So what if my body doesn't seem to like itself very much?

The last few days I have been doing a lot of worrying. Worrying about losing my job, worried about not losing my job, worrying about my body, worrying about the future. Wondering what my future is. I love that I know have people around me to remind me that none of this is in my hands. Sure there are things I can do to try to keep my job (and I am) but ultimately it's not my decision is it? And on the flip side, when I was thinking, hey wouldn't it be nice if I lost my job and got to collect unemployment and get ready to go back to school - but that's really not up to me either. If they decide to keep me, I'm certainly not going to quit at this point. Essentially there is no point in worrying because whether I keep my job or lose it, is really not up to me. I can do what I can, but if they have this perception of me as a meek, nice little girl who is simply not cut out for the cut-throat aggressive world that is sales...well that's that isn't it?

Honestly, I believe you can stay a nice person and still be a good recruiter. Being nice doesn't automatically mean you're a bad judge of character and so far I haven't put anyone to work that isn't doing a good job (well maybe one girl, but cmon that was like my second week of work when I found her!). Perhaps it is foolish to believe God gets involved in our work lives, but I really believe as long as I am faithful to Him, He will guide me in the people I meet and put to work. So far, so good. I believe He will help me to trust the right people.

One thing that made me pretty happy this week in terms of work...awhile ago I interviewed this youth pastor who has just started a family and thus has decided he needs to venture forth and try finding a job that will allow him to support his family...so he's trying to use his degree in biochemistry...unfortunately when you've been out of school for seven years and have not worked in a lab for a single day in those seven years it is pretty much impossible to get a job in a lab again. Even a $12 an hour job in a lab. (Yes, it's crazy, I know, and here's a little advice from me to all the science-majors out there - well, one, CHANGE YOUR MAJOR IMMEDIATELY, unless you are pre-med, you are doomed to a life of low-pay and under-appreciation - but also, if you want to work in a lab, then never, never be out of the industry for more than 6 months or possibly a year).

Anyway, this week we got a one-month long assignment for which the only requirements were "someone responsible and detail-oriented." My mind went immediately to the youth pastor. So I got to put the youth pastor to work! It's only a month-long assignment and he's not making much but, hey, he's back in a lab and hopefully this will help him out! I really enjoy that aspect of my job, but then I was quickly reminded that that may be a consequence of the job, but the point is to make money and find someone who will make me look good, whether or not it is helping them out is not supposed to be my focus.

I have to admit, though, it is kind of a focus for me. I want my life to be about making things better for other people. My good friend Lian says it's the idealist in me. I had a long conversation with her yesterday and we both came to the conclusion that growing up where we did, so sheltered and naive of how the "real world" works...has left us in shock now that we have been thrust out.

Before I worked at this job, I never really knew people who were so money-motivated and yet still such nice people. Somehow, though, they have this ability to separate work from their personal life, like business is cold-hearted and calculating, but they can be so loving and friendly the rest of the time. I don't know, I can't do that. And I'm certainly not saying there is anything wrong with people who are driven by capitalism and making money (as long as they can stay nice people and don't do unethical things - which people in my company definitely do not do) because hey, I'm a Republican and am realistic about what makes our country run...but can I be part of it myself? I don't know. I don't think so. I can't view people as money and objects to be used for my own gain and betterment. I want to be used for the betterment of others. That is what would make me happy.

Where am I going with all of this? Honestly, I don't know. But I guess all of these thoughts are what is driving me to believe that ultimately I do want to go back to school and become a professor. Because I think I can only stay in this money-driven environment for so many years before it crushes me completely. For now, I can handle it, and need to, because hey, where am I going to get the money for grad school right? So I guess I need to make myself a little bit more money-motivated for now. I don't know. Don't mind me, rambling.

wingless was still breathing at 9:58 AM -

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