A theme that reoccurs in my pastor's sermons is that if you're not content with your life how it is right now, you never will be. Because if you're always looking to the next thing to make you feel good about life - if you're always saying, "When X happens, then everything in my life will be in order," you'll just find that life is never in order and there's always something lacking. So instead, you have to learn to be content with what God has given you at this very moment, even as you work towards a better future. This, they say, is the key to happiness.

Which, I do agree with in theory. But, I must admit, I suck when it comes to application. I am the type of person who is always peaking forward, thinking that if I can just get to the next step things will be okay. If I could just get that job, or that job. If I could just get married and have babies. If I could just fast forward things a few years...then everything would be gravy.

Except, I know this isn't true. I know it isn't true, but I guess I wish it was. It's like the easy way out, always thinking that if I can just get there (wherever it may be) then voila! My life will be perfect.

One thing that really irks me and has been doing so more and more is the situation with Paul and I. No, like I mentioned a few days ago, we're not having any problems but the fact that we are living together but not married and not even engaged is really starting to bug the hell out of me. Some people at our church do know (mainly the people in our first small group and those who are related to me) but most don't and there is always that awkwardness when people start asking us where we live and if we have roommates. I don't want to lie, so I usually just give very vague answers like, "Yes, I do have a roommate" and no follow-up as to who this person might be or, "We both live in the Westside" which most people assume means we live near each other, not with each other.

It's funny because my parents are largely okay with it, though it's the one thing that my mom does not blab about to all her brothers and sisters, for obvious reasons. Though, ever since my mom came down a few weeks ago to do a bit of "pre-marital counseling" (yup, that's my mom, the psychotherapist for ya) and she concluded that we are indeed a good fit and ready to be married, she has been pushing for a summer 2006 wedding. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with our living situation. Also, my health insurance will be running out in August so either way we will probably have to get legally married even if we can't have the actual ceremony by then.

If you've grown up in a church community then you know that Paul and I are committing, like, one of the big taboos. And I do feel bad about that. And it bugs me because I feel like it could be soo easily solved - boom we get married and voila, guilt be gone! But Paul is all caught up in this whole we need to have a big fancy ceremony and big shiny rock and blah blah blah. He is less concerned with the fact that we are LIVING IN SIN =P I think it has something to do with the fact that he did not grow up in a family where NOBODY (as far as I know) has premarital sex and certainly would never cohabitate with someone until they were married (one of my cousins had to move out of her apartment a couple weeks before her wedding and she crashed on her brother's couch instead of just moving into her fiance's place).

So yeah, I'm bothered. And I don't think Paul really knows how much because when I tell him he usually thinks I'm joking. Or he thinks I'm just being my usual impatient, impulsive self, which I guess I kind of am, but darnit I have good reasons!

I know people will probably tell me that Paul's excuses are just a manifestation of him not really being ready to get married, but I don't buy that. Because I know him. Better than you =P And he's not someone who's scared of committment, he's just someone who's super committed to doing things the way everyone else does. Which means: big fancy wedding. Which means: need lots of money. Which means in his mind, we are not (financially) ready. Which, whatever, I don't care! Call me an idealist, say I'm not being practical, but that's just me. And I hate feeling like I'm being shredded by my own sense of guilt.

UPDATE: Ha, I just checked my email and my daily devotion for the day is entitled "Do You Want To Be Happy?"

What are you waiting for?

Most people are waiting for something -- something "special" that will make their life great, so they can be happy.

Ask yourself: have others had this, and are they all happy? No, they're not, and it won't give you lasting happiness, either.

Happiness is not determined by external circumstances, but by internal circumstances.

Everyone chooses how happy they are by what they choose to think about.

Your attitude is determined by your perspective, which is determined by what you think about -- your focus. You choose your focus, so ultimately, you are the one who chooses whether to be happy, or not.

Perspective is what the Beatitudes (Matthew 5) are about. Seeing a bigger picture than just this one small moment of time. (The Beatitudes are where Jesus explained how some are blessed, or happy -- even in difficult situations.)

(The word we translate as "happy" in the New Testament is usually translated as "blessed.")

You won't get happiness by chasing what the world has to offer. It has already been tried and found wanting.

And, you will never be happy as long as you are self-centered. A focus on self is guaranteed to prevent happiness.

Right after Jesus performed the menial task of washing his disciple's feet -- akin to cleaning toilets today -- He told them:

JOHN 13:15,17 ICB
15 I did this as an example for you. So you should do as I have done for you.
17 If you know these things, you will be happy if you do them.

You will be happy if you help others. If you take your focus off yourself. That's what Jesus taught.

SAY THIS: I choose to focus on God and be thankful and happy.

Okay, Lord, I get it =) I'll do my best.