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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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The end of an era...
For those of you who might have been wondering, yes, I did make it back. And in one piece even! But I'm not quite ready yet to talk about the ridiculous craziness that was Amsterdam. Mainly because when I got back the first thing I did was call my parents to let them know I survived and they told me my Nai Nai (grandma on my dad's side) passed away Friday evening. She was 94 years old so it wasn't exactly unexpected, but at the same time, we weren't expecting it. The thought crossed my mind when I went to see her before my trip out here. I knew then that there was the possibility I might never see her again, but she's just been such a constant presence my whole life that I don't think I really believed she could die. In fact, I don't know if I really believe it yet. The thing that upsets me the most in all of this is that I didn't get to be with her in her last days and moments and also that I won't get to be there when they bury her. It actually would be possible for me to take a trip home since the memorial is the day after my winter vacation (which lasts about 8 days or so) starts. But, of course, my parents are worried about my health and since she's already passed they don't see the point in me making a 10,000 mile round trip for a memorial service. They said Paul being there sort of in my place is good enough. The other thing that upsets me is that she won't be at my wedding in July. I'm glad that she knew about it and she was excited about it but I guess I never expected the possibility that she wouldn't be there for it. She kept talking about how she couldn't wait...part of me wishes that we had done it last summer like my mom suggested even though it would have been ridiculously fast...but I do take solace in the fact that she became a Christian a couple years ago... My grandmother was born at the end of the 20th century and she died at the beginning of the 21st. I know it's normal to feel this way after someone passes, but I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had asked her to tell me more stories. More about her life and all the things she'd seen. I wish I had been able to come home more during my college years and had made more trips to her nursing home once she moved in there. I'm glad that my parents took such good care of her and spent so much time with her. I'm glad that they said she looked so peaceful. I'm glad that my parents didn't have to make any tough decisions like the one they were facing before she passed...the doctor told them that she would probably need a feeding tube which my parents were very against because my grandma LOOOVED to eat, especially in recent years, but without it the doctor said food would start going down the wrong pipe...so on the one hand they could sacrifice her quality of life by taking away one of her last enjoyments OR put her in hospice care to make her "as comfortable as possible." Blah. I don't want to think about it so much anymore. It makes me worry about my other grandmother and even about my parents. My mom said my dad looks really tired. And my mom asked me if I'd be willing to be her power of attorney because this whole thing has got her thinking... Sigh. Life. Labels: Death
Comments:
my sincere condolences. sorry i'm never available, living in fremont and schooling in berkeley = never home.
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