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Well, it's March. Which means I'm officially less than half a semester away from being done with school. Again. Which also means my job search has been kicked into high gear - or at least attempting to be kicked into high gear.

But for some reason I feel very discouraged. And somewhat worthless. And a little bit like I will never find anyone to hire me again. Rationally, I know this is a silly fear, I may have things to explain in my employment history but I'm intelligent, well-educated and competent and eventually I will find someone to give me a chance. At least, this is what my brain tells me. I'm pretty sure that in my heart I don't quite believe it.

Last night Paul and I talked about how he needs to be more aggressive in his career, or at least learn how to fake it. He said that it's unfair for me to compare myself to him because I'm naturally outgoing.

To which I said, HA!

And then, BWAHAHAHAH!

But I suppose, to those who are not me, this is how it would seem. And I suppose that compared to Paul, yes I am more outgoing. Although, really, this is not saying all that much.

On the inside though? I'm a freaking basket-case with a moderate-to-severe case of social anxiety disorder. Maybe everyone is like this on the inside, I really don't know because like most people I tend to think I am unique in my secret lunacy. All I know is that I pretty much have to force every type of social interaction on myself because when all is said and done I'll spend days agonizing over every word, every possible thing I might have said that someone could have taken the wrong way, every glance, every silence and by the end of all the thinking I'll pretty much have convinced myself that everyone I spend time with hates me and thinks I am annoying and should just go away and rot in a corner somewhere. I can fake "sociable" pretty well, I just pay for it later.

Okay, I don't know what the point of that little aside was, except maybe to lay the groundwork for the fact that I tend to get inside my head and drive myself nuts a lot of the time.

And right now I happen to be driving myself batty because it's been over a month since I started sending out resumes and cover letters and so far I have heard back from...Zip, Zilch, and Nada. No one with a pulse has even sent me a "We got your resume and we'll let you know if/how we want to proceed soon." If I got just one email that was attached to an actual heartbeat rather than a robot I think it would go a long way to making me less stressed out.

I swear, this feels like that dream where you went to school naked.

Labels: I need a job