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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Letters that you never meant to send

Dear Person Who Has Managed To Systematically Destroy Any And All Sympathy And Good Feeling I Might Have Once Had For You Until All That Remains Is A Touch Of Bitterness That Someone As Incompetent And Slow As Yourself Might Receive The Same Degree As Me:

It makes perfect sense to me now why you so adamantly advocate for affirmative action, it really does. When I walked into the room tonight as you "studied" for the comprehensive exam and found your laptop on, music playing, notes and papers scattered all over the entire queen sized bed...and you. On the phone. Once again. Chatting to God-only-knows-who about this and that and so and so's "baby momma."

Maybe if you actually studied once in awhile instead of spending 75% of your time talking on the phone trying to give every person you've ever met a piece of your "wisdom" you might actually deserve this degree. Maybe. Because as mean as this sounds, I've come to conclude that you are simply Not That Smart.

But really though, if you're going to "try" to pass this comprehensive exam, then, well, geez! TRY! You really think they're going to just give you this degree, don't you? You think that simply because you've paid your tuition and showed up to class that somehow that means you've earned this degree. Well, I have no say in whether or not you do end up receiving it, but in my mind, you have already failed to earn it.

You might say, "But I've proven myself by having higher grades here in France."

I call BS.

From what I know of your scores, you have yet to score higher than a C on any test this year (an in class, individual test). The fact that you can boost your grades on the French side where the vast majority of our scores depend on groupwork does not impress me in the slightest. You do not impress me in the slightest.

And I can tell that, that is what drives you crazy about me. You hate that I don't look up to you, that I don't heed your advice and your "words of wisdom." That I don't aspire to be like you in any way. Joe pointed this out to me awhile ago and the more time has gone by the more this seems to be so. All of your phone conversations consist of you telling people what they should do and you HATE that I really don't care what you think about anything.

And you hate that Joe and Poon feel the same way about you as I do. You hate that you're not the queen bee amongst the three of us and this is probably why you pulled away from us in the beginning. When we tried to be friends with you, you said you had to go "to the KFC" to make friends (note: the KFC near our apartment is mostly patronized by black people).

You're always talking about how you're so proud of who you are and how you'll never let anyone change you. Maybe that's your problem. Maybe you should realize that sometimes people can change for the BETTER and maybe this is what you should be striving for. Instead of stagnating in your world of crappy grammar and blaming everyone and everything else for your failures. Maybe you should have looked to yourself and your own short comings instead of blaming the fact that you "only have a bachelor's degree" for your sh*tty job (where you couldn't get promoted even though they were promoting people who only had their high school degrees).

You're so deluded in how perfect and how capable you are that you actually believe this degree will somehow propel you to an income level where your husband and father can both quit their jobs. I repeat: If you couldn't get promoted in a high school level job, having a Master's degree is not really going to help you out. Stop blaming your bachelor's degree. It's not the bachelor's degree's fault.

And I know that in your mind you're sacrificing and "doing the right thing" for your son and yourself, but seriously? If you had any brains at all in that head of yours you would have actually planned this year out. You would have squared away your finances at some point before halfway through the first semester. You, with two mortgages and child care costs to pay should have figured out FIRST whether or not it was economically feasible for you to undertake a full-time program that would not only involve quitting your job but also four and a half months in Europe at a time when the euro is really strong. But that's your biggest problem of all isn't it? You don't think things through. You just do things, like sign up for a finance program even though you don't even know what the hell "finance" really is.

There was a time when I liked you. There was a time when I felt bad for you. There was a time when I genuinely wanted to help you. But you're so...infuriating. You get so upset when people give you constructive criticism out of genuine concern for you (like when Poon suggested that you NOT walk around holding your laptop with one hand by its screen). You're so SURE that you're right even when you've been PROVEN wrong (like the time you insisted in class that "in America, parents are not allowed to smoke if their children are around").

I could go on and on about all the completely obnoxious, inane things that you say and do ("This conversation is done! D-U-N-E! Done!") but really, all I want to say is that I am so glad this is almost over. I am so glad that in a few short days you will be out of my life and I will never have to smell your cooking or listen to you talk to someone for four hours about their husband's "baby momma" situation again. Or, for that matter, listen to you talk to yourself again.

In these past four months, I have not learned a lot from you but I have learned a lot about you. And about where I don't hope to be ten years from now.

Being around you has been one long test of my patience, something which is normally already in short supply. And being around you has made me feel so bad about myself because of how hard it is has been for me to be nice to you, or even just tolerate you. Maybe this was the point. Maybe that was why God put me here with you to begin with - to teach me how to be a better person, and really, I feel sad because if that is the case, then I failed. Miserably. But with only four days to go there probably isn't anything I can do about that except be happy about the fact that pretty soon I will be able to forget that you exist at all.


wingless was still breathing at 2:33 PM -

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