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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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Remembering....
I do have more to say. About Eric. Eric Chen. My friend who died of a vicious cancer that didn't care he was only twenty-seven with his whole life ahead of him. I wonder who he would have married? What would his kids have been like? I'm sure he would have been a great father as there are few people in the world who are as chill and as good to the core as Eric was. I know people always say that about those who have passed, but this is absolutely the truth. I NEVER heard Eric raise his voice, never saw him get angry about anything. He was full of smiles and laughter and was just, well, chill. I knew of Eric long before I ever met him. I was two years younger than him and we ran in different circles in high school. All I knew about him was that he dated an acquaintance of mine at some point and he was the guy that everyone referred to jokingly as "erection." I heard his name a lot though and wondered who this "erection" guy was. Interestingly enough it wasn't through anyone from my high school that I met Eric, but rather through his best friend Dan, who was my year in school but had gone to Saratoga HS about forty-five minutes away. I still remember meeting Eric for the first time and how he welcomed me into his house and we bonded over our favorite past-time together in the backyard. We talked about the people we both knew from high school and even though I had only just met him I felt like he was an old friend. Ironically, it was actually towards the end of his life, those months just before he found out about the cancer that we spent the most time together and actually hung out just the two of us. We would chill in his garage, shooting the breeze, talking about work, life, even politics sometimes. He was someone you just knew you could go to and if he could help you, he would, no questions asked. He was the kind of guy that would go out of his way for you and ask for nothing in return. The last time I saw Eric was in December 2006, a few weeks before I went to France. I didn't know anything was wrong, he didn't mention anything and he looked like the same old Eric, smiling, relaxed as usual in his sweatpants. I regret not contacting him when I was in France. We chatted a few times when I first got there - he asked me to add him on myspace when he found out I had one but I never did because I couldn't pick him out of the sea of Eric Chen's out there. I wish I had so I could have helped him reach that goal of 100 myspace friends. It's stupid these things we regret when it's too late. Once again, like after the death of my friend Simon in high school, I'm reminded of the need to act on these small little requests in a timely manner. I should have made a point of contacting him to get the right address. I wish I had. I really, really wish I had. I confess, I had an inkling about the cancer once he was diagnosed. I saw the allusions to chemo and him being sick but I pushed it out of my mind, Eric going through chemo? Can't be. It's gotta be about a relative, maybe an aunt? A parent? Not him. Either way, another thing I regret is not asking him about it, as he must have wanted people to ask if he bothered to put it up in his away messages. But I was, I must admit, absorbed in my own life - school, exploring France and Europe, trying to find a job, missing Paul. So I didn't reach out when I should have and that is something I will live with. Again, a lesson I thought I had learned from Simon's passing but obviously I didn't. It is just as painful as remembering all those times I told Simon we'd hang out some other time and then the day came where that was no longer a possibility. When I got back from France, Dan finally told me point blank about Eric's cancer and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I contacted him, I asked if I could visit but I was scared to push and honestly I'm not sure I should have anyway. He was immuno-suppressed and I have my own health issues that make it so I'm never fully healthy, it probably would have been needlessly dangerous for him. But I'm glad we talked. I'm glad that I got to say hello to him between treatments, between his naps and his walks. I'm glad that he felt comfortable enough to tell me about his treatments and what he was going through. We talked about the wedding too, I wanted him to go but of course he couldn't. He told me he'd also have to miss another friend's wedding... The whole time, as bad as I knew his cancer sounded, I couldn't bring myself to really believe how sick he was. I never asked him what his chances were, I don't think I wanted to know and I don't think I wanted him to have to answer. Didn't know if he would want to answer, really. Even though he was always very candid when I did ask questions. I wasn't sure what the boundaries were, I guess. But I guess the main reason I didn't think it would ever come to this (his death) is because it seemed like he had hope. Every time we talked he was telling me about a new treatment, or a continuing treatment, seeing a doctor, a new experimental treatment. It seemed like there was always a plan of attack and that he was always up for it. I don't know. Maybe I just saw what was easier for me to believe? So there it is, my own little memorial to a guy who wasn't my best friend, who I can't proclaim to have known like a brother, but who was nevertheless a friend. My bud buddy. And someone I can honestly say was way too good to die so young. I will never forget the sessions we had in your garage or how you always had that kind of sleepy look on your face, or how you seemed to love sweatpants as much as me. I'll never forget when I called you up spur of the moment, all hung over, and you were down to help me out. I'm glad that I have good memories of you and that even though we didn't know each other in high school, fate brought you into my life in a most unexpected way. And above all, I'm so glad that you accepted Christ as your Savior this past May and that this is not goodbye. I'll see you, buddy. Rest in Peace Eric Chen, May 4, 1980 - July 25, 2007 Labels: Death
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