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Thursday, October 23, 2008

this is how i'm going to drive myself crazy

It's been a long time since I've cried. In fact, I believe it's been over a year, not since my friend E's funeral.

This may not be a very long time for some people, but I remember a time when I used to cry practically every day. Partly because I just cry really damn easily (e.g. the time I cried over a Life With Louie episode - the cartoon) but also because I used to be generally miserable and depressed.

Since I met Paul four years ago, I rarely cry. Somehow that seemingly unshakeable monkey on my back, the depression I'd felt my entire life just went away. Disappeared into thin air. The odd thing is that the depression never really made sense, I don't know that it was ever really about anything, so how can being with someone make it go away? I'm not sure. I've had boyfriends pretty much continuously since I was 13 and that never seemed to help before...

Anyway, that isn't the point of this post. Lately, I've just been feeling so crushed, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Why? I don't know, it's just work in the end right? It doesn't make sense for me to get so emotional over it, but I am. And I feel like I really need to be able to cry over it but I'm so far removed from those days that I'm afraid to. I keep telling myself to stay positive, look at the bright side of things, but I really just want to curl up in a ball and sob myself to sleep. Part of me thinks it might even be good for me. What I'm doing now might just be setting myself up for something truly embarrassing like cracking at work and bursting out into tears over some tiny, insignificant trade issue when I finally can't hold it in anymore.

But then, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself feel that way again I won't be able to stop. I don't think that will happen but what if it does? I don't know. I'm just so afraid to let myself feel sad.

And I tell myself, my life isn't so bad, I have it better than a lot of people. And I do, I know I do and I really appreciate how good things are relative to how they could be...but does that mean I don't have a right to be upset? We all have to live in our own lives right? Do I have to feel guilty about feeling bad that things aren't going the way I want them to just because things could be a lot worse?

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wingless was still breathing at 8:57 PM -

Well, I've been around long enough to remember the days of Joyce: The Manic-Depressive UCLA blogger girl. And I've went through depression in my younger 20s, as well. I know how you feel about not wanting to go "back there" even for a short time to let out a little emotion. It's like you could be afraid that once you turn on that machine, you'll have trouble turning it off.

But I think some good loud bawling would do you good. Seriously. :-) You'll feel better. Everyone's got to get their emotions out someway. Expressing and getting out your negative emotions (in a safe, private way that doesn't hurt anyone else) would probably be a good thing.

take care! Prayers will be offered for you at our priest house here. ;-)

- Dan
Thanks Dan =) I really appreciate your prayers...It's definitely time to get my act together and find a church here in SF already...

How are you doing these days? On your way to your dream of priesthood it sounds like =)
Yes, find a church! (If there is any left in that city.) ;-)

Yup, I'm after years of dragging my feet about pursuing the priesthod, I've now here in Texas finally (starting to) get it done. Your blog entries confirm for me that I was never meant to have a career that involved money in any way. ;-)

Take care!
- Dan
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