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Friday, January 12, 2007

And it was good.

I should have something to say but for some reason I don't really feel like I do. Two posts back I was complaining like all hell about *having* to come to Paris and I just wanted to say I really appreciate the supportive comments from you guys. I know that you're right, especially about this being a time for me to learn to depend on the Lord first and foremost.

I know that I use Paul as a crutch sometimes because he is right there and tangible and sometimes you just want that physical person to depend on. This is actually something I was thinking about on the plane-ride over - I know that God meant for me to come here, and He doesn't do things without reason so there must be a lesson for me in Paris. I have at least enough faith in Him to believe that. I think it's myself I have the least faith in.

Sometimes I'm not sure why I am so painfully insecure. It doesn't matter how well I did last semester, I'm afraid that somehow I just won't be able to cut it here, that everyone else is smarter than me and I will go home a failure. I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job or an internship. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the commute. I don't know why I repeat conversations from earlier in the day over and over in my head at night, searching for clues as to whether or not I said anything anyone could find rude or offensive and make them not like me. I really don't know why I do that.

There was a point in my life when I looked in the mirror and I really hated that person staring back at me. There was definitely a time when the only person I really couldn't stand and could never get away from was myself. I'm much better now, I can tolerate myself for long periods of time and sometimes I even love the person I'm becoming. It's weird because you'd think that a person who is so opinionated and stubborn would be pretty sure of herself, but somehow I manage to be a walking contradiction in almost everything I say, do and feel. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

As you can tell from my last post though, I'm doing okay. Maybe better than okay. I miss America but France is treating me well.

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wingless was still breathing at 1:16 AM -

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