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Interesting day. Plans are once again in disarray but in a good way this time. God reminding me that HE is in control and not me!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
March? Where did March come from all of the sudden. I am ok. Almost ok. Or something. Seriously though, I'm starting to grow in leaps and bounds in the whole "accepting it" thing. Life goes on and yadda yadda yadda. My life is not bad, in fact it's great in many ways and I'm choosing to acknowledge my blessings rather than dwell on the shit that sucks. Today was my third official tutoring session and I'm realizing it's freaking hard to teach a kid for an hour. I can't imagine how teachers do this ALL. DAY. LONG. They are crazy I tell you, just nuts. Although...part of me does wish that I had more time to spend with them because one hour a week, while you're forcing a kid to read (ew, who wants to do that) is not very good bonding time and I believe you do have to bond with kids in order to teach them. So...we'll just have to see what happens. I think it's now what, two weeks into lent? So far giving up soda has been difficult but I'm not exactly going through withdrawal. It's more like, gee a soda would sure hit the spot right now but guess I'll drink this cup of hot water instead....yum. Also does not help that my sweet wonderful thoughtful husband went out and bought a SODA MAKER (I kid you not) the day after I decided I was giving up soda for lent. There will be a long post on adoption coming. I have written it in my head many times. Attempted to commit it into some words and felt like I failed to get my point across about a hundred times now. But I shall press on and hopefully at some point I will be able to explain...something...about...something...to..myself. Or something. Labels: adoption, God, tutoring
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Not sure what to say today. Am feeling relatively balanced. And tomorrow will be Friday. I just need to regroup.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Be strong in the Lord and, I'm working on a post. A really long one. Can't remember the last time I spent this long writing one post. Should be up soon. Maybe.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I can admit this here, but I've never been a big fan of "Happy Holidays." This year, for some reason, it felt particularly bizarre because the building I work in is literally a sea of Christmas trees, Christmas presents and all kinds of other Christmas paraphernalia. Happy Holidays? What holiday do you speak of I wonder? Could it be Christmas? I made it a point to write Merry Christmas in all of the cards I wrote to people at work and in all the emails where I made mention of the holidays. And then I was surprised at how shocked I was to hear "Merry Christmas" from the clerk at Walgreens and I made sure to smile broadly at him and say "Merry Christmas to you too!" And then I wondered, as a Christian would I feel "offended" if someone said Happy Hanukkahkuh or Happy Kwanzaa or Happy Ramadan or any other religious holiday greeting? The answer is a definitive No. In fact, I would feel grateful to be included in a holiday so special to them! So why then is Merry Christmas considered offensive in some circles? What holiday are we celebrating today? It's Christmas! So as a Christian I've decided I have nothing to feel sorry for when I wish people a Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to everyone! And a very special Christmas shout out to all our service men and women around the world who are separated from their families right now. This year Paul and I have decided that in lieu of gifts we will donate money to Wounded Warrior Project and World Vision in each others names. If you have someone in your life who seems to have everything maybe this is the route to go! Merry Christmas again and in case I don't write again, happy new year to you all!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I picture you in the sun Labels: Depression, God, Life
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So let me lay it all out for you. I like working in finance. As those of you who have known/read me for awhile know, I've gone through several different industries and was bored rather quickly with all of them. As lazy as I can be, I enjoy a challenge, I enjoy a constantly changing environment and learning something new every day. When I was doing property management I would sit and ask the building engineers questions about the HVAC system all day long even though during high school and college I was bored to tears by physics. When I was recruiting in the sciences field I would spend most of my interview time asking the candidates about their research and techniques even though I fastidiously avoided any non-required science course in college. Those jobs just bored me to tears and I was searching for any bit of mental stimulation I could find. So anyway, I like finance, almost enough to say I actually really like my job. I do, sort of. I like the exposure it gives me. I like the resources. I like being in a position to learn. But when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in this position for two years now and what with the events of last fall, at this point I'm kind of going backwards not forwards. I'm in a position to learn but don't really have the opportunity to be taught the things I want to know. I' surrounded by the best and the brightest and yet I'm not necessarily supposed to be asking them questions and soaking up their knowledge. And I feel so guilty about complaining. I have a job. I got what has amounted to two raises and a promotion in less than six months. I am so blessed to be where I am. I know all this. And yet, I'm not exactly happy. Far from it to be honest. Which, again, I feel I need to qualify by saying, I am so thankful to have my job and I am more than happy to stay where I am if the alternative is being unemployed. But what about a year from now? Two? Three? More? I don't know. And with my 27th birthday coming up, it just...it weighs on me. And I hate that with the economy being what it is, I feel awful about saying and feeling this way, but I do. I keep telling myself to be content, to find peace in the fact that the Lord has a plan for me. And yet, I consider the fact that excellence so rarely coincides with contentment. People who excel are rarely content, which is why they excel. Ambition and inner peace don't necessarily go together do they? I'm afraid that if I convince myself to be Content that I will miss out on Opportunity. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to let go. To remind myself as ambitious as I am, or would like to be, I really don't ultimately have control of what happens to me. I'm trying to remind myself that despite all my ambition and restlessness, someone else is in control. And driving myself crazy won't change that. Let go and let God. Right?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This morning I woke up with this horrible feeling. Like I had taken sleeping pills and then blogged something all woe-is-me-wah-boo-hoo. Even though I was already late for work, I quickly checked my website before running out the door and was quite relieved to see that I hadn't posted anything. Still, I went through my day and couldn't shake the feeling that I had done something on the internet last night in an Ambien daze. Lo and behold when I get home this afternoon and check blogger, there it is in draft form. A rambling post about how I am too surrounded by negativity and need to be more positive and find peace in my life. Go back to the Lord. And also why the Cavs will never fire Mike Brown as long as they have LeBron James to make him look good (even though they so totally should fire Mike Brown and it is a freakin' travesty that he got COY). I think I'm going to quit taking sleeping pills since they apparently, um, fail to actually put me to sleep? Go figure. Labels: Basketball, God, to sleep perchance to dream
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I think I'm getting sick or something. I don't know. Today was just not a good day and I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally...just exhausted in every imaginable way. I'm tired of worrying, tired of not living up to my own expectations...just...tired...of being... I am trying so hard to stay positive, to keep my head above water, but honestly? I feel like I'm drowning. Paul and I finally made it out to church this weekend in the city and the pastor gave us an assignment to pray daily this week about what we are thankful for. And I am thankful, I recognize all the blessings in my life, but I...I just miss the days of no responsibility. The days where I could hide in my little studio apartment for days at a time and not worry about anything really. I'm just so overwhelmed. And so lost as to where this is all leading and what it all means. I picture you in the sun Labels: Depression, God, the grind
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'm still processing everything that has happened this week. I'm still not quite ready to write about it all, except to say that what has happened this week has pretty much been the last thing I expected to happen. I honestly never saw myself in the position I find myself in now, but I think it's going to be okay. It's a new challenge and a new opportunity to rise to the occasion. Oddly enough, I feel much more at peace today, much more like I can see the plan that God may be laying for Paul and me and our life together. 2009 will be an interesting year, certainly nothing like what we imagined at the beginning of 2008, but interesting and promising nonetheless. And I feel incredibly blessed that despite the hardships we might face in the coming months, things could be so much worse and are so much worse for so many others who are facing a similar predicament. The lesson that I continue to learn (over and over and over again) is that life never happens the way you expect it to. What I'm hoping for now may never come to pass, but I have this confidence that however things turn out, that is how they were meant to be. When I look back on my life so far, it's so clear that God had a plan every time a door of opportunity opened or closed, whether it be in terms of education, career or relationships. Whatever happens, Paul and I have each other, supportive family and friends, and above all our faith in the Lord - and that just makes me feel like whatever happens, it's going to be okay. Labels: God, Life, the grind, The Hubs
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Today I got my answer. And it was pretty darn unequivocal. Details to follow at some point. Maybe. Every blessing and curse is a choice now
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Another day, another failure. I can't seem to help but fall into that trap of anger and bitterness and wanting a certain someone to get fired. I'm pretty sure this isn't how God wants me to be behaving but I honestly can't even say I'm trying very hard not to. I'm not really sure how to look at this. Am I where I am because I'm supposed to be learning to overcome it, or is this God's way of telling me to run as fast and as far as I can? I really don't want to just quit, but perhaps that is actually The Plan and I'm fighting it because I feel like I need to be in this industry because it makes me feel important and smart and even a little bit powerful? But at the end of the day it's only money, and maybe that's not what God wants the focus of my life to be. Or maybe thinking like this is the cop-out? Gah. I don't know. I need a sign. Just when you think you're forgiven
Monday, November 17, 2008
So, as I might have mentioned once or twice or fifty or a hundred times lately, work is quite distressing to say the least. But honestly, the worst thing about all of this is I feel like I don't know how to be a Christian and do my job at the same time. There have been so many nights I go to bed praying that I can just be a good witness, that I can show compassion and forgiveness no matter what happens or how wronged I feel there. And so many mornings I go in feeling like I can do it. And then like twenty minutes later I'm cursing up a storm on my Bl*omberg chatbox and generally being in a rotten, completely unloving and unforgiving mood. I feel like I am being tested every day and every day I fail. Miserably. So, miserably I am literally ashamed to even tell people at work I am a Christian - not because I am ashamed of God but I am ashamed of how I am behaving and don't want people to associate that with the children of God. I try to tell myself it's just work, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of eternity. After coming home from Baby J's funeral yesterday I was just thinking about how our time here is so short and is this how I really want to be spending it? Angry, bitter and frustrated all the time? It's not. I want to be at peace with my life and with the knowledge that God has a plan for me and this is just one of the rough patches, but it is leading to something...maybe a better job or maybe not, maybe just patience and understanding and the ability to show love regardless of the situation. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My mom called me at work this morning and told me the baby died last night. I was stunned. You never imagine that this sort of thing will happen to people you know and love. My cousins (I consider my cousin-in-law to be just a regular cousin because to me the love she has shown our family means there is no qualifier needed) are such loving, devoted, family people who did so much for Paul and I while we lived in Los Angeles...I wish I could do something for them now but I'm afraid only God can heal the pain they must be feeling today. It's impossible for me to understand why God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to such a wonderful, God-fearing couple...but I suppose that is the beauty of faith. We don't have to understand why, we just have to believe that God's plan is for good no matter how things might seem at the moment. Baby J, I wish I had had the chance to meet you, but I'm thankful that your suffering is over now and that your little spirit is watching over all of us from Heaven. I look forward to meeting you up there someday little one. Labels: Death, family matters, God
Monday, November 10, 2008
I take my last post back. I'd get on a plane When I got on a plane headed east nearly twenty-four months ago, I never dreamed that a place 9,000 miles from where I grew up would end up feeling like home. I never dreamed that I'd feel so strongly about the place that if I could find some way to make it work family and career wise, I'd love to live there for a year or two, perhaps more. With the euro coming back down Paul and I have been considering planning a trip to Europe, but I think he'd prefer to go to Spain or Greece, somewhere he hasn't been. I'd love to go back to visit either of those places again, but what I really miss is living in Paris. I miss everything that comes with living in such an amazing city. My favorite restaurants, relaxing in one of the many random chairs that litter the parks and gardens. I miss getting lost in the Louvre, knowing that I never needed to rush because I could always go back and look some more. Of course, I miss the wonderful friends I made there. I miss drinking a delicious 5 euro bottle of Bordeaux from the market down the street and the multitude of bakeries with delicious sandwiches and tarts and of course the butter croissants. I miss the different flavors of Orangina and the saucisson. I miss the metro and the RER and the point when I finally got so comfortable with it that I actually felt confident giving tourists directions. I miss the afternoons when I was on my own and I'd go to the Cuban restaurant near Chatelet, sit outside with some tapas and a sangria and just watch people. Of course, I'm idealizing Paris, I know. But it's hard not to. Especially when work has sucked a lot of the fun out my life and as much as I love San Francisco and all it's natural beauty, it definitely doesn't have the grand architecture of Paris and the monuments around every corner. I feel really lucky to have had the experience of living in Paris, especially living where I did, right in the center of the city. A ten minute walk to Notre Dame and a thirty minute walk to the Louvre. What's the point of all this? I don't really know. I'm just reflecting, reflecting on where I've been and where I might be going. What I do know is that my life has been blessed in so very many ways, and the more I think about it, the more I am confident that every step of my path has been part of God's plan for me. And no matter what I might have thought at the time (like when I was reeling over the recruiting job right before I decided to go back to school) it has all led to good. It's a good reminder to me that I have to be patient and listen. The Lord has something planned for me and maybe it won't be what I've planned for myself, but it will be the right thing. I don't know if this means sticking it out with my job for a week, or a month, or a year. I don't know, maybe it means I will have to quit. But I think God will make it clear to me when it's meant to be clear. I hope so anyway.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Last year I tried out the whole blog-every-day-of-November thing and I kind of briefly considered it this year, but you know what? I have enough on my mind without feeling guilty about not wanting to stare at another computer screen after spending twelve hours staring at four. But, I am going to try to blog more anyway because I think it's a good outlet for me and I am coming dangerously close to...I don't know what? Freaking out and bashing in all the computer monitors at work? Hah, kidding...sort of. I made Paul promise that we are going to attend church service tonight, something we haven't done here in San Francisco, well, ever. There have been a lot of weeks where I started off Sunday morning insisting we attend church but by the time 6pm rolled around (the church we would attend only has an evening service) it was kind of like, meh, it's so late and we have to get up so early, blah blah, excuse, excuse. But I just feel like there must be a reason for what's happening in my life now and I've never needed God's presence more to help me just hang in there. Because seriously? I'm thisclose to something not good. My friend Lian's wedding is next weekend in NYC and I'm sooo happy that she's found such an awesome guy and so honored to be part of her wedding...but at the same time the thought of traveling across the country right now is just exhausting. I'm sure once I get there things will be fine, but thinking about it is making me want to tear my hair out. Labels: blogging, God, the grind
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Recently my days have been laced with this feeling of utter terror at how completely powerless I am in the grand scheme of things (i.e. where I will be one month from now). And since I'm being honest here, I might as well admit that I've been having these daily, mini-panic attacks, really? Since I graduated from college and realized how totally direction-less you are when you've just completed a degree in political science. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret for a second majoring in political science. In fact, if I had it to do all over again I would still major in political science...I just would also have majored in something else too. Or at least minored. And not in Psychology. Or maybe I would have just made sure to kiss up to my professors and get the grades I knew I was capable of but was too lazy to earn at the time because I was young and stupid and did not realize that even in college your grades still matter. And then I would have gone to law school and would probably be writing about how much I hate life. BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD DIRECTION. So there. Anywho, I guess that's really neither here nor there since the past is past and hindsight is twenty-twenty and really the problem isn't so much that graduating with a degree in political science = directionless but that I, in fact, was directionless. So now, here I am three years later and I am no longer directionless, just kind of powerless and I'm not sure which one I like less. I'm trying to stay positive because I really have taken a lot of steps in the right direction this year and I am proud of that. And I am learning to be slightly less neurotic and more trusting in God's plan for me. It's one of those things that you have to say to yourself a thousand times before it gets in just a little. So yes, I will still continue to have my mini-freak out moments when the fact that I don't know what's about to happen will drive me crazy and I might hyperventilate a little...but then I get over it and go back to studying and taking one breath at a time. Everything's gonna be alright. And yes, this post is more to convince myself of this than it is to convince anyone who might be reading it. Some days I must admit
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I'm feeling cautiously optimistic today. Sort of. I'm not really letting myself get too excited because I've been burned before. Our term paper is almost done, a full three days ahead of schedule. Mark rocks, I swear that boy knows how to keep people on task. I'm just waiting to edit one more part and we're all good. It actually came out pretty well, if I do say so myself (and I do). I have a face-to-face set up with Big Investment Bank when I get back to California and a phone interview with Financial Software company this Friday. I've also decided my strategy for informing the Even Cooler Investment Bank that I'm going to be back soon and still want the chance to interview with them if my Dream Job is still open. Heck, even if it's not, I'll take any job with Even Cooler Investment Bank. It's funny, I decided last week that I am not going to LET myself freak out anymore. I am going to be calm and patient and not hyperventilate and imagine throwing myself off the roof every time I face an empty inbox. I am going to just trust that God didn't bring me this far in my life with no plan for me. So even if all of these job leads don't work out and I end up unemployed for months, I think I'm still going to be okay. In fact, I know it. Labels: God, Grad School, I need a job
Thursday, April 05, 2007
How many times have I turned away?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I guess it's pretty obvious, but I feel compelled to say it anyway: I am not in an okay place right now. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place. I am not where I was a few years ago, locked in my studio for days at a time with no human contact and wondering what it would be like to slit my wrists in the shower. God willing I'll never be in that place again, but still, I'm not in a great place right now. I kind of know what it's about, the job stuff, the wedding stress, being away from my family and Paul, an unpleasant roommate situation...I guess it's all of that and the uncertainty. What the hell does the future hold? And why can't I just trust that God is going to bring me through it, no matter what it is? Why am I such a control freak? Why am I so damn weepy all the time even though I had my period a week and a half ago? Why do I think about how if one more job inquiry goes unanswered I might throw myself out of a window? Why do I call myself a loser and worthless and pathetic? Why am I reverting to all this self-hate over something that's so insignificant in terms of eternity? My ability to find a job does not define my worthiness in the eyes of God. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I buying into the way the world judges people? And why can't I stop myself from doing this? Because I'm trying, or at least I think I am. I read my devotionals, and I try to take them to heart. The joy of the Lord is my strength. God can be trusted. I receive from God by faith. But I just can't make it stick for some reason. For about five minutes I have that feeling of peace, that knowledge that things will be alright no matter what happens. And then I send out another email and get nothing back, and every time I check that damn inbox I feel my faith and sanity slipping away slowly. Labels: Depression, God, I need a job
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
So that feeling of discouraged, panicky, desperation has returned in full force. I had a good prospect, nay, a friggin' great prospect. But unfortunately my contact heard nothing back and I was supposed to follow up myself on it tomorrow but today the job disappeared off the company website. Ugggh. It was an ideal position in so many ways (the position itself, the company, the location, etc.) and now it's gone. Poof. Off the company website. And for some reason I find this to be completely crushing because I guess I had put so much hope into getting this job. This job was my holy grail of jobs and now it's gone. And I didn't even get a chance to bomb the interview. Luckily I have a big glass of Bordeaux to comfort me. But I'm still not very comforted. Mostly just depressed and feeling that feeling I used to feel in high school when I was afraid I wouldn't get into college and I'd end up living as a bum inside of a cardboard box on the streets of San Francisco. (Yes, I realize I'm being melodramatic but I don't care, this is how I feel). I know that I have to remember God has a plan for me and this is just all a part of it. Trust in the Lord and all that good stuff, I know it, I'm just having a hard time feeling it. I mostly just feel like a pathetic, crazy loser with no chance at a decent career. And when I feel like this it's really hard for me to "let go" of things and "just believe" that God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be. What can I say? It's the control freak in me. I have this obsessive need to know where I'm going and what's happening next. And maybe this is exactly the habit that God is trying to break me of, that feeling that I am in control. Because I'm not. Oh boy, am I not. Maybe that's the reason for all of this, the racist roommate from hell, the rejection, the desperation. Maybe this is the process, maybe He is breaking me. But I still hate that feeling of not knowing. Labels: Depression, God, I need a job
Sunday, March 11, 2007
I'm trying really hard not to let this program turn me into a complete bitch. And it's getting pretty tough. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I like my classmates, I really do. There are just a couple of people that I consider to be complete and utter morons. As Carlos Mencia would say, they're classic "dee dee dee's." How they made it through their undergraduate degrees is beyond me. Whether they will or should make it through this program is not up to me so I just won't comment on that. Anyway, I have a lot of pet peeves, for one blatant stupidity irks the hell out of me. For example, someone who entered into this (International Finance) program without even knowing what the hell "finance" is makes zero sense to me. The fact that this same person now wants to work with non-profits in a very human resources type position is not so surprising but what is, is when I asked "So maybe an MBA specializing in HR would have been a better program for you?" I got "No, I'm not interested in HR" shot back at me. Hm...okay. The fact that this same person who was supposedly in a professional working environment for a number of years and yet still doesn't understand that you don't walk up to a professor who's class you've just skipped (as in you literally walk in the moment class ends) and ask him if he can help you find a job...well perhaps it would have surprised me at the beginning of this semester but not at this point. Not even when I asked said person if that was really a good idea and was told, "(The professor) didn't care anyway." Right, cause professors never care when students skip their class for no particular reason. And the list goes on and on and on and I know that you're probably thinking, well it's not your problem, just ignore it. Trust me. I have. I try. One of the problems is that I share close quarters with said person and am often unable to block out of the sound of said person's voice. And frequent grammar errors. And what really worries me is the fact that this person is (most likely) going to be representing the same degree program that I'm coming out of. Representing it with a significantly lower GPA, but representing it nonetheless, and perhaps lowering the value of my degree with said person's awful grammar and affinity for saying "aks" instead of "ask." And dropping verbs out of sentences (i.e. "why you tryna scare me"). The fact is I'm only in the third class coming out of this program and every single one of my classmates is representing not only themselves but this program and therefore me and it seriously irks/worries/scares the crap out of me that this person is going to be walking around branding my degree. But at the same time I feel like I'm degenerating into some kind of awful human being who lacks the ability to empathize with this persons um...issues. I don't want to be that person. But the type A, competitive, control freak in me can't help but squirm inside. I know that this is a test from God. My ability to love those who are difficult to love is being tested. And I feel like I'm failing miserably but I don't know how to turn myself around. I just don't know. And I hate that feeling. Labels: Annoyances, God
Friday, January 12, 2007
I should have something to say but for some reason I don't really feel like I do. Two posts back I was complaining like all hell about *having* to come to Paris and I just wanted to say I really appreciate the supportive comments from you guys. I know that you're right, especially about this being a time for me to learn to depend on the Lord first and foremost. I know that I use Paul as a crutch sometimes because he is right there and tangible and sometimes you just want that physical person to depend on. This is actually something I was thinking about on the plane-ride over - I know that God meant for me to come here, and He doesn't do things without reason so there must be a lesson for me in Paris. I have at least enough faith in Him to believe that. I think it's myself I have the least faith in. Sometimes I'm not sure why I am so painfully insecure. It doesn't matter how well I did last semester, I'm afraid that somehow I just won't be able to cut it here, that everyone else is smarter than me and I will go home a failure. I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job or an internship. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the commute. I don't know why I repeat conversations from earlier in the day over and over in my head at night, searching for clues as to whether or not I said anything anyone could find rude or offensive and make them not like me. I really don't know why I do that. There was a point in my life when I looked in the mirror and I really hated that person staring back at me. There was definitely a time when the only person I really couldn't stand and could never get away from was myself. I'm much better now, I can tolerate myself for long periods of time and sometimes I even love the person I'm becoming. It's weird because you'd think that a person who is so opinionated and stubborn would be pretty sure of herself, but somehow I manage to be a walking contradiction in almost everything I say, do and feel. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it does to me. As you can tell from my last post though, I'm doing okay. Maybe better than okay. I miss America but France is treating me well.
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