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I guess it's pretty obvious, but I feel compelled to say it anyway: I am not in an okay place right now. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place. I am not where I was a few years ago, locked in my studio for days at a time with no human contact and wondering what it would be like to slit my wrists in the shower. God willing I'll never be in that place again, but still, I'm not in a great place right now.

I kind of know what it's about, the job stuff, the wedding stress, being away from my family and Paul, an unpleasant roommate situation...I guess it's all of that and the uncertainty.

What the hell does the future hold?

And why can't I just trust that God is going to bring me through it, no matter what it is?

Why am I such a control freak?

Why am I so damn weepy all the time even though I had my period a week and a half ago? Why do I think about how if one more job inquiry goes unanswered I might throw myself out of a window?

Why do I call myself a loser and worthless and pathetic?

Why am I reverting to all this self-hate over something that's so insignificant in terms of eternity? My ability to find a job does not define my worthiness in the eyes of God. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I buying into the way the world judges people? And why can't I stop myself from doing this?

Because I'm trying, or at least I think I am. I read my devotionals, and I try to take them to heart. The joy of the Lord is my strength. God can be trusted. I receive from God by faith. But I just can't make it stick for some reason.

For about five minutes I have that feeling of peace, that knowledge that things will be alright no matter what happens. And then I send out another email and get nothing back, and every time I check that damn inbox I feel my faith and sanity slipping away slowly.

Labels: Depression, God, I need a job