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Thursday, November 15, 2007

hating my subconscious

Today was another crappy day at work. Not necessarily because anything really horrible happened but my computer went down just as three different people called to confirm trades and I left with an email box full of emails I haven't really read yet.

But I will tomorrow. I promise.

And also, I am a little drunk right now. Because we went out for beers after work. Because we all really needed beer.

Except now I'm going through all of that self-doubt and second guessing myself because I *revealed* to pretty much everyone that I used to basically work for the Republican party and, I don't know, that's always a little scary when you live in San Francisco (even if you know that no one in the office really cares who you vote for).

This is one of those things I hate about myself and why I think I still can't get rid of my biggest vice. I hate this feeling of going every-freaking-thing I said over and over in my head and picking apart how many different ways that could have been interpreted and who probably hates me now. This is actually what happens in my head for hours, sometimes days, after spending time socializing with other human beings.

It's funny because Paul thinks I'm an extrovert. And you would think that I would be since I work in sales and really seem to enjoy interacting with other people. But a true extrovert thrives when they are in a social environment and introverts are drained by it. And that's how it is for me. I like it. I really do. When I'm actually with people, it's great. It's afterwards that's a problem for me. And I guess that's why forcing myself to actually go out and interact with people in a social setting is so infrequent for me. It always ends up really draining me because of all the second-guessing and self-doubt that ensues.

Maybe this is why I like being married so much. Or, more specifically, being married to Paul. He's probably the only person who I really feel like I can say anything to and not wonder whether he'll still like me or not.

Or...is this normal? Does everyone wonder all the time whether other people like them or not? I get the feeling that most people don't really care all that much.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:33 PM -

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