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Friday, April 30, 2010

are we animals or not? make up yer damn mind

Strange conversation today with the brother of one of my coworkers. He gave an impassioned soliloquy about how humankind has veered off course and we need to get back in touch with nature. Hunt things and eat them. How people today are lost and depressed because we're not doing what our bodies think we should be doing.

Then later when speaking with a thirty year old female acquaintance he pontificated about how the whole idea of women needing to get married and have babies by thirty is a complete social construct that makes no sense.


If you believe in human evolution as a main driver for explaining our physical needs, you must see the reason for women having children sooner rather than later, no? Wouldn't this make the idea of having children (for women) before thirty, the opposite of a social construct?

Apparently not. Paul said I should have said something but I really did not care enough to pick a fight, particularly since the 30 something unmarried woman was there and she seemed nice enough and I did not want to say anything that might put her in an awkward spot. I just thought the whole thing was totally bizarre. Do people not realize your fertility starts to decrease at age 27 and takes a significant nosedive at 35?? This is just me on my soapbox but I really wish that more time was spent educating women about the correlation between fertility and age, rather than just a bunch of stories of 40+ year old celebs successfully having twins their first go round of motherhood. Do people really think it's that simple??

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wingless was still breathing at 9:48 PM - 2 comments

Sunday, April 18, 2010

7in7 roundup

So how did my little experiment go? Mm...57% success rate.

1. Return heinous shirt to VS 4/15
2. Make doctor appointment 4/13
3. Apply to three jobs 4/13
4. Finish CFA Level 1 review
5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners 4/15
6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling
7. Schedule next LHR treatment

I still think it was worth making the list because without it I probably wouldn't have gotten anything done at all. Now we will roll the items not completed into prominent positions for next weeks list.

It's been a rough weekend, don't really feel like going into all of it right now but surely will at some point. Suffice to say I'm tired and in some physical pain and am about two seconds from collasping into bed. Crap. I have to get up for work tomorrow don't I?


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Monday, April 12, 2010

7 things in 7 days

Lately I have been having a really hard time doing all the things (outside of work) that need to get done. Or, really should get done anyway. So 7 in 7 it is...Here are the first 7 things I will have the pleasure of scratching off my list (or so I hope!).

1. Return heinous shirt to VS
2. Make doctor appointment 4/13
3. Apply to three jobs 4/13
4. Finish CFA Level 1 review
5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners
6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling
7. Schedule next LHR treatment


wingless was still breathing at 8:31 PM - 0 comments

the fledgling

I spent the day before Easter Sunday laid up in bed feeling slightly under the weather. All afternoon I kept hearing this high-pitched repetitive noise. At first I thought it was Taz having some sort of asthma attack, or maybe even the sound of my own nose whistling from the congestion. It wasn't either of those things of course but I couldn't be bothered to figure out where the sound was coming from so instead I rolled over and went back to my nap.

Anyway, eventually Paul came home from running errands and was like WTF is that noise so I pulled back the blinds and lo and behold there was an odd looking bird walking around on our patio. After a bit of googling we realized that a fledgling pigeon had somehow found its way into our patio (which has extremely high, solid concrete walls and no access except from above) and was apparently not going to be going anywhere until it learned to fly. A debate ensued about whether or not to call animal control, which we eventually did and they were pretty much no help and told us just to leave it where it is.

I started mushing up cat food and leaving it on the patio for the bird because Paul and I were convinced it had delinquent parents. We never saw it eat, only other annoying pigeons coming to eat and poop (joy) but eventually this past weekend we actually saw one if its parents come and puke down its throat a couple times. Ah, the beauty of nature...or something. Actually it was mostly a really weird sight to see, like the baby was swallowing the adult birds head.

So far the little guy has survived ten days on our patio and two huge rainstorms. Every night it seems to completely pass out and every day it squawks for food pretty relentlessly. Even though Paul probably wouldn't admit it we are feeling sort of protective of the little fledgling and it's kind of neat to see him growing into a bird right before our eyes.

When we first found it I was pretty sure it was going to die. On our patio. And I was totally going to make Paul be the one to scrape its dead body off the concrete because, ew. But now I think we're both really looking forward to the day it finally figures out how to use those wings and fly away. Tonight I saw it standing on this small piece of wood that fell from one of the trees during a storm onto the patio and flapping its wings. It's practicing.

Maybe one of these days we will be walking down the street and it will poop on our heads.

Oh yeah, and we thought Taz might enjoy having a "pet" to look at since she's home alone during the day but she could really care less apparently. Birds have become so mundane to her now she can barely be bothered to look up from her nap.


wingless was still breathing at 3:35 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, April 11, 2010

you've come a long way baby (10yr bloggiversary)

Oh hey. Yup, still here.

First I got some spyware thing on my computer (I swear I was not surfing around on any sketchy sites, I maintain that I was on NBAdotcom when all hell broke loose) which required Paul to take over my computer for several days and when I came back everything had been wiped clean, including all my internet favorites (which I did forget to backup when I was backing up everything else, nice work Joyce).

Then my domain name expired and I admit, this is my own fault because they did send me several emails reminding me to renew and I was like, oh April 7th, I have so much time! Except then it was suddenly April 9th and er, yeah...

BUT, I'm back now and have suffered no consequences as a result of my forgetfulness so I will probably do the same thing again next year. Because honestly, I think this is what has happened almost every year for like the last nine years.

Holy cow people, do you realize I've been blogging for a DECADE?

My first blog was on geocities (do they even still exist) and it was probably actually more of a journal and I had to hand code and FTP each page. And when I changed the layout, I'd have to then go back and copy each old post into the new layout, page by page, and re-FTP the whole damn thing. (As an aside I'm ashamed to admit that my very first website had those tacky javascript snowflakes constantly floating down the page - don't judge me I was 17 and didn't know any better!).

Blogging has been very good to me over these past ten years. At times it has saved my sanity. At times, it has allowed me to go back and laugh at myself. It got me into graduate school (yes, really).

I started blogging during one of the hardest times of my adolescent life and through the years I've made some wonderful friends because of this site. This blog has seen me through my senior year of high school, college, more jobs than I care to admit, a graduate degree, Paris, boyfriends, depression, physical illness, recovery and of course the hubby.

I think I also went from thinking I was a liberal to being a pretty hardcore conservative on this blog. Funny.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling like my life is in flux. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, what to do about my career, what I should be focused on, where my life is heading, or even where to live (have I ever told you how much I hate house hunting?). But you know, ten years ago, did I see myself where I am today?


So I guess I just need to quit worrying and just get out there and keep living and keep writing about it.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:30 AM - 2 comments

Monday, March 22, 2010

we now return to your regularly scheduled life

Interesting day. Plans are once again in disarray but in a good way this time. God reminding me that HE is in control and not me!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:24 PM - 0 comments

Monday, March 08, 2010

i am damaged, at best

It's my own doing, but things are happening in a very strange succession around me right now. My blood pressure is not good today. I'm partially afraid that my legs are going to start swelling and instead of feet I will once again wind up with slabs of putty that sort of almost fit inside my shoes.

I just want to be...normal. I just want to be a 27yo woman worrying about turning 28. Worrying about normal routine career issues without the added bullsh*t about how to juggle health with work with desperately wanting to be a mommy but also not destroy my career.

I am rambling right now. It seems like lately that's all I can muster. When my head is on straight and I know I should try to write something logical and calm, I just...can't. And now at times like this where I am a mess (thanks Ambien!) I am ready to have all my feelings spilled over.

Can I tell you two things? I'm thankful. Thankful for so much I have, so many of the people in my life and the wonderful opportunities.....The other thing is that sometimes I feel so totally lost. Like I don't know where I'm going careerwise...will I forever be a back office peon monkey? Will I ever be more? And like about becoming a mother, will I slowly turn into one of those bitter old infertility bloggers (you know who you are)? Always wanting and feeling like it's my time and then it's not and the bitterness grows, rinse, recycle, repeat....

I need to find a way to turn this into something more structured....tomorrow.

broken heart, that's still beating

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wingless was still breathing at 8:47 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 25, 2010

still small voice

Not sure what to say today. Am feeling relatively balanced. And tomorrow will be Friday. I just need to regroup.

What do you see when you look at your world today
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay you’re not alone
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling

What do you see when you look at your world today
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine

- Jesus Calling by 33 Miles

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wingless was still breathing at 8:26 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

best laid plans

First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

blah blah blah

Last week I wanted to write a post about how disillusioned I've become with certain things involving my career and company. But then, on Thursday we had our first meeting with Dr. Bigshot - our new high risk obgyn who will hopefully be our guide through this whole crazy process which sounds to be full of lots of testing and blood draws and all shenanigans involved in high risk pregnancies.

Overall the doctor seemed pretty positive but the thing that personally has me freaked out was my blood pressure reading at the beginning of the appointment. And then they thought maybe they'd try it again at the end but it was still high!! Since then I've been testing at home and while it's a little bit lower it's still way too high.

It just brings me back to the last time I flared when my bp was off the charts and I'm afraid that this is what's happening and that when I see my doctor he will think that this means I can never taper off my meds, ever, and ahhhhhh.

Rarely do I hate this disease but now I'm just terrified. Terrified that my whole "plan" is being derailed by none other than my crappy body. And I feel like I have no control over it, no way to know, no way to plan. What the hell should I do!! Thinking of doubling up on my high bp medication because maybe I really am just stressed the fuck out right now what with all the shit going on at work....Maybe this doesn't have to be my freaking body destroying my own kidney...right?? RIGHT?

Sigh. I went to Vegas too by the way but I'll go over that when I'm a little more coherent and less sleep deprived.

Happy belated V-day everyone and especially to my wonderful husband who knows I don't really care but bought me flowers anyway...And they're purrty...

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wingless was still breathing at 7:43 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Changing World - Kutless

I generally think of myself as a pretty smart person, but I gotta say I feel pretty stupid spiritually. I feel like I'm constantly relearning the same lessons in life.

I thought I had it all under control
I thought my fate was still in my hands
All of my plans were firmly set
By the words that I say

Why is it so hard to remember that I'm not the only one with a plan for my life, not the most important plan for my life anyway.

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

Sometimes I'm not even sure what it is I have planned for myself. What I'm aiming for, what I want out of all of this. Why do I struggle so hard and feel so crestfallen when things that ultimately I'm not sure are meant for me pass me by? Maybe that is God's will for me and not earthly "success."

My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams

I'll have to figure the rest of this out tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:03 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 04, 2010

lyrically speaking

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say
- The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

When a Chinese girl and a Haitian boy
And an American child all share the same toys
There might be, there might be...
(There might be peace on earth)
- Peace on Earth by Todd Agnew

I'm working on a post. A really long one. Can't remember the last time I spent this long writing one post. Should be up soon. Maybe.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:52 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

pursuing vs creating

I have been kind of unusually proactive lately. As you may or may not know, my mother the therapist long ago diagnosed me with (mild) bipolar disorder and this must be one of my hypomanic states.

After the earthquake I felt bombarded by images and pleas, calls to action, I started paying attention when the Christian radio station I listen to (The Message, XM 32) ran ads asking, "Do you pursue happiness or do you create happiness?" And then I saw a Meals on Wheels truck drive by. Stuff like that kept happening until finally I threw my hands up and gave in to the message God was clearly trying to deliver to me - DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE YOU LAZY...

I've felt this way before sure. Like most people with good intentions I periodically will see a cause or some sort of volunteer opportunity and think to myself, I should really do that, and then of course I do nothing. Because it's easier. And I am freaking lazy, probably one of the very laziest people I know when you get right down to it. But I knew that this time, this time, I couldn't let that happen.

And so y'all I am going to be a volunteer reading partner to an elementary school child and my first session is set for next Monday. I haven't reached the full blown commitment stage of things yet (that comes after the initial session when I get to decide once and for all if this is something I want to do) but I feel like I cannot turn away from this. If I do, I will be so very disappointed in myself. I will feel like the fraud I will be, that maybe I already am. I don't want to be that person. Not even if it's just to myself. You, dear internet, are the only other people besides Paul who know of this plan. Of this attempt to help create a little happiness instead of doing stupid crap to make myself temporarily happy (cough, blingy earrings that I did end up buying myself, cough).


wingless was still breathing at 8:38 PM - 0 comments

Monday, January 04, 2010

shiny objects

If we don't get this house I am totally buying myself a pair of diamond earrings.

Because, whatever. They are sparkly.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:21 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

it is and it will be

This is going to be a quick, hyperventilating post, just before the new year! Paul and I think we've found a home that we love and has almost everything we want and need. Paul is ecstatic and excited to make the offer and I am excited but also completely terrified. If we buy this house then I guess the dream of quitting our jobs to run off to Paris (or fill in the blank sexy European city) is off the table.

It's just yikes! Am I ready to be a real grown up yet? I'm just a kid. Or am I?

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wingless was still breathing at 9:58 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

I can admit this here, but I've never been a big fan of "Happy Holidays." This year, for some reason, it felt particularly bizarre because the building I work in is literally a sea of Christmas trees, Christmas presents and all kinds of other Christmas paraphernalia. Happy Holidays? What holiday do you speak of I wonder? Could it be Christmas?

I made it a point to write Merry Christmas in all of the cards I wrote to people at work and in all the emails where I made mention of the holidays. And then I was surprised at how shocked I was to hear "Merry Christmas" from the clerk at Walgreens and I made sure to smile broadly at him and say "Merry Christmas to you too!" And then I wondered, as a Christian would I feel "offended" if someone said Happy Hanukkahkuh or Happy Kwanzaa or Happy Ramadan or any other religious holiday greeting? The answer is a definitive No. In fact, I would feel grateful to be included in a holiday so special to them! So why then is Merry Christmas considered offensive in some circles? What holiday are we celebrating today? It's Christmas! So as a Christian I've decided I have nothing to feel sorry for when I wish people a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone! And a very special Christmas shout out to all our service men and women around the world who are separated from their families right now.

This year Paul and I have decided that in lieu of gifts we will donate money to Wounded Warrior Project and World Vision in each others names. If you have someone in your life who seems to have everything maybe this is the route to go! Merry Christmas again and in case I don't write again, happy new year to you all!

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wingless was still breathing at 2:09 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, December 17, 2009

aww you guys are THE BEST

Not to be a constant downer or anything, but I have been sick for like going on three weeks now and it really sucks. I'm actually pretty cheered up today by the fact that Jon and Dan still visit (Hi Jon and Dan!) and somehow Dan managed to find my RSS feed which is really quite a shock since I didn't even know I had one. You really do learn something new every day.

But alas, I'm still sick. And I've been sick since before I took my CFA test a couple weeks ago and studiously avoided the doctor for as long as I possibly could. Part of it was that I really was super busy trying to do all that last minute cramming and the other part of it is that every time I get really sick, my bloodwork seems to go downhill and my doctor gets all concerned and it basically leads to me not having my meds decreased. Which is not what I want right now. More on that later.

Then one day last week my coworker called in sick and later that day announced via frantic phone call that he was possibly being diagnosed with The Dreaded Swine (Flu). At which point my brain started to recall the whole "if you have a chronic illness contracting swine flu could very well kill you" which was followed by a lot of panicking and leaving voicemails with my doctor's nurse (of course it was his day off). The next morning I was chastised by the nurse who basically commanded me to go see a doctor like five minutes ago and when I protested that I could not leave work because of my filthy diseased coworker who had possibly infected me with his germy little self, I was sternly told that I was PLAYING WITH MY LIFE HERE and basically she would not hang up until I promised to make an appointment with an emergency clinic in the city.

So I did, got some flu medicine and then spent the weekend feeling even worse with a low fever that simply would not go away. I've been feeling better and worse depending on the time of day (usually better in the mornings and worse in the afternoons) but I'm *hoping* I might finally be turning a corner. I am scheduled for blood tests this weekend and a visit with my specialist on Monday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this illness hasn't wiped out all the positive progress of this past year....


Well, I have some goals for the coming years. Goals that for most people would seem within the realm of their control but feel oddly out of mine. One, I'm hoping to be promoted. Okay, so I guess this is not really something most people can control, but I feel like it's especially out of my hands because of the industry I'm in and the fact that openings for the position I want is rare in the best of market conditions and are pretty much non-existent in the current environment. I kind of feel lucky just for the fact that I can even imagine the possibility of being promoted into this position, but since I tend to be the type of person who is never satisfied, eh I'm not satisfied. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how hard ANY job is to come by right now, but I just...want...more. You know?

And the other thing...the thing more directly related to my whole fear of going to the doctor...which also seems entirely incongruous with my "I want to be promoted" goal...I'd really love to get to a point physically where my doctor doesn't blanch when I bring up the possibility of maybe, possibly having a baby, like sort of soonish.

All this may not be the best idea considering I discovered MOLD in my cat's water cup the other day and wasn't sure how long it'd been there since I usually fill it while half asleep in the dark before work. So yeah, my furbaby has been possibly drinking moldy water for the last who knows how many days. Clearly I'm going to be a great, attentive mother right?

There's a lot more I have to say about this but alas it is now late and unfortunately not Friday (i.e. I must drag my happy ass out of bed long before the sunrises). I'm starting to feel a bit loopy now from the cough syrup w/codeine mixed with amb*ien and it's probably just better if I stop here for now.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:37 PM - 3 comments

Thursday, December 10, 2009

if at first you don't succeed...

Yeah. I'm not even going to bother trying to make excuses for why I haven't been here in weeks. Chances are, no one cares!

Life has been, oddly crazy and yet completely boring. I took level 1 last Saturday and it feels bizarre to come home from work and space out in front of the TV without those familiar pangs of guilt. In fact, I still have to remind myself that the test is over to quell the panicked feeling in my stomach. I suppose I could be proactive and start studying for level 2, but then I won't be able to use the "I didn't study enough" excuse if I don't pass it on the first try. Heh, just kidding, sort of.

So wow, it's December eh? That was fast. What were my goals for 2009? Did I have any? Did I reach them? I'm not really sure. I feel as though I'm in just about the same place as I was twelve months ago so probably not. It's funny how we start every year thinking it will be different from the last and they usually aren't.

And yet, I still do feel like maybe next year will be different, better, a year full of promise. A year of change (like real change, not hopeNchange). Here's hoping I don't get absolutely crushed.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:12 PM - 5 comments

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

my own worst enemy

That is just my utter and complete failure.

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. I'm pretty sure it didn't come out right, but I was sleep-blogging so who knows? Maybe I really am just that hard on myself. I think I was referencing my utter and complete failure in terms of studying.

Because, um, yeah. Utter and complete failure? About sums that up.

I haven't been feeling right lately. Emotionally or physically, though with me they can be tied together. My feet were aching like crazy with arthritis this morning, though they're starting to feel better now. I think it's because it's starting to get cold here. Emotionally, I just feel like I've been sucker punched by life. No particular reason, just tired and a little bit bitter.

I don't want things to change. I don't want things to stay the same. I just want to be happy where I am.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:37 PM - 0 comments

Monday, November 16, 2009

why one should only blog when in full control of one's faculties

I have been wanting to write. I have. Write about things beyond how many chapters I have (or haven't, mostly haven't) read. How much more studying I need to do despite the fact that I spend huge sums of my day doing absolutely nothing.

I feel like life needs to change. I need to get out of this crappy studio apartment with no light and move into a place that is....a home. Of course this has absolutely nothing to do with studying. That is just my utter and complete failure.

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Thursday, October 01, 2009

fending for myself

In our house, Paul does the cooking.

But with it being quarter end and all, he has been putting in long days and so, many phone calls later (and much whining of "when are you coming hoooome? I'm huuuuungry"), I finally decided to fix myself some dinner.

As you can see, it wasn't pretty.

(But in all fairness to myself I did make some rockin' bacon on the foreman grill to go along with my sad looking eggs.)

(Yes, those are eggs. Who knew it was that hard to flip them in the pan? Not me.)

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Monday, August 31, 2009


I signed onto AIM for a few moments just now and was totally overwhelmed. How the hell did I used to remember all those screen names of people who's actual names aren't in their sn?

I used to spend my life on AIM.

I feel like an old lady.

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Monday, August 24, 2009

the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth

Sometimes I wonder if my recent mood has less to do with my life and more to do with sleep. Specifically, the fact that I am not getting nearly enough of it.

Actually, that's not true. Technically, I'm getting plenty of sleep. I'm probably averaging seven hours a night, which I know, is probably more sleep than you get (whoever you may be). But the quality of that sleep? Not good. I have lots of dreams. I usually wake up every three hours for no apparent reason, get up to pee because I'm up anyway before slowly drifting back to sleep.

Also, I have a confession to make. I'm totally addicted to Am*bien. I don't take it every day because I know you're not supposed to, but hot damn, if I could I would. I love how it knocks me out and I tend not to wake up in the middle of the night when I take it. But at the same time, I wonder if the sleep I'm getting is quality since I'm always tired nowadays and just don't feel right. Whatever "right" is supposed to be.

I'm thinking of purchasing a digital piano for myself, 88 weighted keys, the whole shibang. I'm thinking that with the stress of life (i.e. my job) I need some sort of emotional outlet so that I can settle down my mind before bed. I haven't lived with a piano in about ten years and at my parents house this weekend I realized I'm sort of forgetting how to read music which is scary because man I put a lot of years into learning that crap. So if I can figure out where the hell to cram in a digital piano into our tiny, overstuffed studio, I think I'm going to go for it.

Yet another distraction from studying for the CFA. Just what I need.

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

in the sun - joseph arthur

I picture you in the sun
What went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between
All you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything
You can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
May God's love be with you

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

giving midnight snack a new meaning

Reading through my posts lately, and the things I've felt like writing but haven't, I wonder, how the eff did I become this person? This total downer that's always complaining and thinking that as long as I throw in the caveat "I have a lot to be grateful but..." that it's okay to just rail about life?

When did this happen to me? Or wait, have I always been this grumpy? Paul and I have this running joke that we've become that grumpy old couple on the porch, shaking their fists at "those young kids at their loud music" way before our time. The mental image is funny, but it's not really a joke.

Last night I had this very clear dream. Like most dreams it didn't make a whole lot of sense, but reflecting on it this morning it's meaning seems obvious.

I was at my parents home, in my sister's room which has a walk-in closet and I wanted to take a shower. Naturally, the closet has a shower inside so I walk in and find a shower head amongst all my mom and sister's dresses. Naturally. Anyway, there was a cat that looked a lot like my cat sitting in a pile of clothes but even in my dream it didn't make sense to me that there was a cat there (the shower in the closet though? made perfect sense. go figure). I remember thinking it must be a hallucination so I reached out to pet the cat and it clamped down and bit my hand and wouldn't let go. I knew Paul was just outside the door so I started yelling for him to come help me and he rushed in and pried the cat off my hand. Then the cat disappeared and everything went fuzzy and I asked him what happened and he told me that I had been biting my own hand. I looked down and saw human bite marks, really deep impressions across the top of my hand.

At first I wondered if maybe Taz had actually bit me for some reason in the middle of the night. Then Paul said maybe it means I'm afraid of someone close to me betraying me because I love cats, which, I love him but...?

I'm going with a more literal interpretation...which is I had to rely on someone else to keep me from gnawing my own hand off. My subconscious is telling me to quit being so damn self-destructive.

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Monday, July 20, 2009


I was going to try to write something deep and meaningful, a recollection on my life and it's meaning. Undoubtedly to be topped with a cheery of "I would never have it any other way." And instead I don't now. Am I where I wanted to be? Am? I? Happy Birthday to me but let's write something logical at some point...maybe tomorrow...maybe not...

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wingless was still breathing at 7:49 PM - 2 comments

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Can we talk about this tomorrow?


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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

dirty little secret

So let me lay it all out for you.

I like working in finance. As those of you who have known/read me for awhile know, I've gone through several different industries and was bored rather quickly with all of them. As lazy as I can be, I enjoy a challenge, I enjoy a constantly changing environment and learning something new every day.

When I was doing property management I would sit and ask the building engineers questions about the HVAC system all day long even though during high school and college I was bored to tears by physics. When I was recruiting in the sciences field I would spend most of my interview time asking the candidates about their research and techniques even though I fastidiously avoided any non-required science course in college. Those jobs just bored me to tears and I was searching for any bit of mental stimulation I could find.

So anyway, I like finance, almost enough to say I actually really like my job. I do, sort of. I like the exposure it gives me. I like the resources. I like being in a position to learn. But when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in this position for two years now and what with the events of last fall, at this point I'm kind of going backwards not forwards. I'm in a position to learn but don't really have the opportunity to be taught the things I want to know. I' surrounded by the best and the brightest and yet I'm not necessarily supposed to be asking them questions and soaking up their knowledge.

And I feel so guilty about complaining. I have a job. I got what has amounted to two raises and a promotion in less than six months. I am so blessed to be where I am. I know all this. And yet, I'm not exactly happy. Far from it to be honest.

Which, again, I feel I need to qualify by saying, I am so thankful to have my job and I am more than happy to stay where I am if the alternative is being unemployed. But what about a year from now? Two? Three? More? I don't know.

And with my 27th birthday coming up, it just...it weighs on me. And I hate that with the economy being what it is, I feel awful about saying and feeling this way, but I do. I keep telling myself to be content, to find peace in the fact that the Lord has a plan for me. And yet, I consider the fact that excellence so rarely coincides with contentment. People who excel are rarely content, which is why they excel. Ambition and inner peace don't necessarily go together do they? I'm afraid that if I convince myself to be Content that I will miss out on Opportunity. Whether or not this is true, I don't know.

I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to let go. To remind myself as ambitious as I am, or would like to be, I really don't ultimately have control of what happens to me. I'm trying to remind myself that despite all my ambition and restlessness, someone else is in control. And driving myself crazy won't change that.

Let go and let God.


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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

somebody stop me

I've been writing posts the last few days and then deleting them without hitting publish. There hasn't been any one single topic, just a general catalog of how sucky I've been feeling.

Let's face it, I don't really have a right to feel as crappy as I do. I am so lucky and blessed and should just be thankful for what I've got instead of sulking and spending large chunks of my day navel-gazing and over-thinking things to the point of unhappiness.

If someone were to ask me what's wrong I'd be hard pressed to find an answer that didn't make me sound like a spoiled, ungrateful little brat.

Hopefully recognizing how stupidly negative I'm being is the first step towards contentment.

there's a light at the end of this tunnel

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Friday, May 29, 2009

life or something like it


I been there. In fact, I am there.

These last few weeks, months, I've been gripped by feeling deeply unhappy and unsatisfied, but also really grateful for what I do have.

Does that make any sense?

Let me give you an example: work. I get really depressed thinking that this may be it, this might be as far as I get, that twenty years from now I will find myself in the same seat as my uneducated, incurious manager who is happy to spend her days on personal calls as long as she can say she is The Manager. It's a terrifying thought and to be honest there are very few people like her coming into the industry nowadays...most are much more ambitious which is what brings them into banking to begin with.

Anyway, while I fret about things like where the hell is my career going, I also feel unbelievably luckily and grateful that I even still have a job to wonder about at all. I know there are many out there who don't have the luxury of bitching about their job anymore and I don't take that for granted. Plus, in this industry, no one really feels as though there's such a thing as "job security" anymore. Here today, gone tomorrow as they say...I pretty much feel a sense of relief when my key card works when I get to the office every morning. So yes, I am extremely grateful to still have my job and I do actually love a lot of things about it and try to remind myself of this every day (it really is a great job for now but probably not five years from now).

Then I ask myself, am I happy? And I know the answer to that is probably no. Am I unhappy? I don't know. Maybe?

Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I just need to quit that attitude like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to stop being such a control freak, trying to figure it all out right now and just let it be.

Sigh. Oh well.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Assorted questions...

1. Why is it better to hold terror war prisoners indefinitely without trial in supermax prisons within the United States than to hold them at Gitmo? Doesn't holding prisoners indefinitely in a federal supermax set a more dangerous precedent than holding them at Gitmo (which much more closely resembles a POW camp than does a supermax prison which holds prisoners that have been tried and convicted in U.S. federal courts)? Can any Obama supporters out there please explain this to me?

2. Why do people try to make a comparison between Kobe and MJ? MJ won six championships in ten years and was Finals MVP six times. Kobe has three championships in thirteen years and has never been Finals MVP. That means Jordan was "the man" all six times he won and Kobe (in three extra years) has only won half as many rings and has never been "the man." Even if gets it this year, that's still one vs six. No comparison, in my mind and I'm not even a big Jordan fan (I prefer Magic's style of play).

3. Why do I sometimes still get the feeling like I'm waiting for my "real" life to begin? I have a career (sort of, well, I'm employed in my industry of choice so close enough I suppose) and a husband. And a cat. When does it count as "real life?"

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

the "are you there god? it's me margaret" redux

It occurred to me the other day that being in your mid-to-late twenties is a lot like going through puberty again. It's another one of those times in your life where you're caught between two stages of life and you're not quite sure which one you belong to. Except unlike puberty where you always imagine you are older than you are, those of us in our mid-to-late twenties tend to cling to the idea that we are still freshly minted college grads.


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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

This should not be a long post. It should not. I am drugged up (Ambien), it's 9pm (I have to get up at 5am). Paul is out partying it up on St. Patty's day and I am here with the kitty and we are both kind of drugged up since she's recovering from having her teeth cleaned this morning.

The other day I went to work and the ambien had not fully worked it's way out of my system and I was apparently typing incoherent nonsense at my coworkers for several hours. So if this appears to be just some completely psychotic line of thinking feel free to ignore me. On the other hand, I feel like I have something to say.

I just want to know why. Why my life can be fine and why I can still be suffocating under this relentless fear. The older I get the more I start to think that this is just how life goes. There is never a moment to sigh peacefully and feel....like everything is fine the way it is and will stay that way forever. It's like being lost at sea in a violent storm...sure you can pull your head up for a few minutes and breathe, maybe grab onto some debris floating by, but soon enough, you're once again just trying to keep your head above water so you can breathe.

Lately I lie to myself. I say, "Self, if you could just get yourself healthy enough to have a baby next year then everything will be ok." Which I know this is ridiculous. I want to get healthy not just to have a baby but for me, but having a baby is not going to help me shake off what I've come to accept is just who I am.

It's me. Yeah well I can't get myself to go away.

I mostly hate that I'm back here again. Same spot, totally different circumstances. I have so many reasons to be happy and thankful. Amazing husband, good job, a nice apt in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. By all accounts I should be quite happy with my life. And yet I still feel like I'm working towards something - or rather that I should be working towards something. And so the relative non-movement as of late has me feeling a bit...stuck.

What does my life mean? What is it supposed to mean? And how can I make it mean what it was meant to mean? And why are the sentences I'm writing so ridiculous.

This is what happens when you give me sleeping pills, a computer and a thirty minute window for the pills to take full effect. Somehow it felt like the right thing to do.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:57 PM - 1 comments

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

damaged at best

Well, hello there! It looks like blogger has finally fixed the publishing glitch that made it so I couldn't update. I guess technically I could have uploaded something using an ftp server but that would have taken a lot of...effort. And I've been...tired.

I am doing better. I even wandered out and actually hung out with other human beings outside of work and other than Paul. Work has sort of improved. Life is holding steady. I still owe people emails (sorry Todd! I promise I will write you back as it's definitely been on my mind).

I'll be going on a cruise in a couple weeks and I can't wait. I hope somehow I'll come back recharged, reset, ready to face whatever is coming. The last few months have taken a lot out of me and I've felt like I've been slipping back into my old "I want to crawl into a dark hole wrapped in a warm blanket" ways. It's not as easy to do that, though, when you actually have a job and a husband and bills to pay. But I suppose this is a good thing since being depressed is not a great thing. Although it is somehow...comforting? It's familiar at least. Is that weird? Probably.

For the past few months I've been having a lot of dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call them. Rarely do I wake up with a good feeling. I've even started taking sleeping pills off and on because it's the only thing that makes me feel like I've actually slept. I haven't been having any recurring dreams, they're always different, sometimes they're even kind of funny when I wake up and think about what the dream actually was, but I can't escape that uncomfortable feeling while I'm actually having the dream - and those first few seconds when I'm shaking out of unconsciousness. I can't pinpoint what it means exactly, except the obvious, something is bothering me. It would be easy to say it's work, it's the unknown of Paul not having a job, it's this, it's that. I don't know. I don't really care. I just want one non-drug induced dreamless night. I used to love having dreams and now I just want to not wake up feeling like I spent the whole night doing whatever happened in my dream.

Anyway, now that I've written a sufficiently non-coherent post, I shall leave you with these lyrics which I think do a pretty good job of summing up how I feel these days...By the way, how obvious is it that this is a Christian song in the guise of a secular one?

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That I'm looking for purpose
I'm still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding onto you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what
You will throw my way
I'm hanging on
To what you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on...
I'm barely holding onto you

- Broken by Lifehouse

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wingless was still breathing at 5:39 PM - 1 comments

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008: going out with a bang

I have pinkeye. Super.

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Sunday, December 28, 2008


Some of you may have noticed, in particular those I owe emails to (all two of you know exactly who you are), I've kind of been in hiding. The last few months have been a nonstop sh*tstorm and it was sort of capped off with a particularly traumatizing event a couple weeks ago which I will not speak of. But the good news is that since then I've kind of started to come out of my self-prescribed seclusion.

The new year is coming but as I told my friend Henry the other day, I don't really buy into all of that new year, starting over bs. It's just another day. Turning points in your life come when you want them to and it has nothing to do with an arbitrary date set by whoever created the modern calendar. For me, a turning point came sometime in September when I gave up something that has pretty much been a part of my life for the last six years. I've also finally become fed up with all the weight I've gained since I started taking predn.isone four years ago and have been exercising - which is something I literally haven't done since P.E. in high school...eleven years ago.

So yeah, in case you were worried (which some of you probably were), I'm doing okay. I'm trying to make myself better, hopefully getting my life set in the right direction. Paul is doing well and taking to his domestic duties like a champ (he was always more suited to it than I was anyway). Despite my complete and utter inability to socialize or communicate with anyone other than Paul or my parents, I am still here and alive and I'll come out of it soon. I promise. In the meantime, just know, that it's not you, it's definitely me.

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Thursday, December 04, 2008

you've come a long way baby

It's cold in the city now, I mean, cold for San Francisco, which is to say, not cold at all. But still, it's cold for California.

Paul and I are still adjusting to to the changes that have come about in the last couple weeks, and of course, I still hate change. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel or how to act or what to say about it. It's hard. It's exhausting. I'm scared and confused and not at all sure of the future sometimes. Especially when I'm alone in the apartment, which let's face it, I haven't been in a long, long time because of the long hours I've been working and the fact that Paul and I are kind of attached at the hip outside of work. But Paul has a GMAT class three times a week, three hours at a time and that may not sound like a long time to be apart but we're gross and it is for us.

I let myself go a little crazy when I'm home alone and I sit and wait for him to come back and make me sane again. So I can stop obsessing and ruminating and wondering where we'll be five years from now. Will there be a baby? Will I still be at the same job I'm at now (oh dear GOD don't let this be the case - not to sound like I'm ungrateful for my job because I am grateful to have one at all nowadays - but yeah if I'm still in this exact job five years from now? *shudder*)? But really, what's the point in guessing, because five years ago I couldn't have even imagined where I am today. Five years ago I didn't even know Paul. I never imagined I'd be pursuing a career in finance, in fact I didn't even know I was remotely interested in finance. Looking back at 21 year old me, I was a mess. I was depressed and perhaps mildly suicidal. I was in love with a guy who definitely wasn't ready to settle down with me no matter how much I tried to pretend he was. I had accepted a job making less than what a McDonald's worker makes though I was going to be a UCLA grad. I was also just starting to get really, really sick. Yeah. Wow. As crappy as things feel right now, at least they've gotten better since then.

So maybe I'm just trying to convince myself not to give up, but let's face it...things could be a lot worse, all things considered. And I know this is not an extremely positive way to look at things (it could be so much worse! is not exactly optimistic right?) but hey, it's the truth. And I'm trying. And it's all I can muster right now.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

through good times and bad

I'm still processing everything that has happened this week. I'm still not quite ready to write about it all, except to say that what has happened this week has pretty much been the last thing I expected to happen. I honestly never saw myself in the position I find myself in now, but I think it's going to be okay. It's a new challenge and a new opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Oddly enough, I feel much more at peace today, much more like I can see the plan that God may be laying for Paul and me and our life together. 2009 will be an interesting year, certainly nothing like what we imagined at the beginning of 2008, but interesting and promising nonetheless. And I feel incredibly blessed that despite the hardships we might face in the coming months, things could be so much worse and are so much worse for so many others who are facing a similar predicament.

The lesson that I continue to learn (over and over and over again) is that life never happens the way you expect it to. What I'm hoping for now may never come to pass, but I have this confidence that however things turn out, that is how they were meant to be. When I look back on my life so far, it's so clear that God had a plan every time a door of opportunity opened or closed, whether it be in terms of education, career or relationships. Whatever happens, Paul and I have each other, supportive family and friends, and above all our faith in the Lord - and that just makes me feel like whatever happens, it's going to be okay.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

catching up

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Or falling into one maybe. Nothing in particular is going on...just life in all its hectic glory.

I don't know why I haven't felt like writing about any of it and so most of it has gone by without much of a mention here. For example, Paul and I almost bought a condo (twice actually!) but alas the only "housing crisis" in our neighborhood is that there apparently isn't enough of it. I'm pretty much okay with not being a homeowner right now because a) there is still so much uncertainty in the financial markets, who knows if our jobs are even as safe as we think? and b) being a half million dollars (plus) in debt frightens the hell out of me.

There's also been a series of random events at work which have started me thinking about my Career. And the Future. I do like my job and it's definitely kept me interested longer than any other job has in the past, but I can feel myself starting to hit a wall. At the end of the day it's still mainly an operations position and I know that it's only a matter of time before I start wanting more. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there. Contentment is so fleeting, it sucks.

So I guess I'm going to have to figure it all out soon...do I want to go to b-school? Find a new job? Do I have a decent shot at moving up into sales eventually if I stay? I'll be taking my licensing exam soon and I plan on having a casual chat with the managing director about all this shortly after...IF I can muster up the courage. I know that no matter how it goes my own self-doubt will make me torture myself by going over the conversation over and over and over again until my brain explodes and/or I'm breathing into a bag.

You know, I feel really lied to. When I was little, adults always made it sound like as long as you got into a good college, the rest would pretty much just map itself out. Then you get out of college and realize that it never ends...you're always wondering what the next step is.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

a lot but not (nearly) enough

The other day I was going through our junk mail and AmEx had sent Paul one of those sweepstake entry form thingys. Being the cynical fellow that he is, Paul's first reaction was "shred it."

I, being the hopeful optimist that I am, said, why not just give it a shot? It's a million dollars after all.

This of course led to a discussion of what sort of dream home we would buy if we won - it was only a brief discussion because we quickly realized that a million dollars is really only $500,000 after Uncle Sam takes his share and that, that will not buy one's dream home in SF.

Unless, of course, one's dream home is a 500sqft one bedroom condo with a great view of the building next door. And maybe a parking spot - if you're lucky.

What housing market crash? Not here in SF anyway.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:25 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, March 01, 2008

signs of life

A lot of people who knew me in college might be surprised at how largely uninvolved I am in politics nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can still deliver a pretty impassioned argument when the situation calls for it, but for the most part I just don't have the energy to keep up and care so damn much anymore.

My excuse is that life has gotten in the way. And I'm not trying to say that I'm sooo busy these days - I'm well aware that there are mothers balancing demanding jobs who still find the time to stay up-to-date on current events and blog regularly - I'm just saying I'm a lot busier than I've ever been before and it's taking some adjusting. For the first time in my life I'm juggling several different things and for the most part don't have the option to blow off any of those things for a day or two or maybe a week if I feel like it. (Ahh college, how I miss you.)

I miss sitting. And staring. I miss doing nothing. So usually if I'm not at work and not doing something related to trying to make an offer on a condo we're interested in, then I opt to just sit and do something mindless like read about what fast-food excursions Britney Spears took that day or watch some basketball.

BUT! I think I am finally turning a corner. We've been at this house thing for over four months now and I feel like I have a much better feeling for the market we're looking in and the market as a whole (lucky for me I can get a good feeling for that at work). And I am also getting accustomed to not having the option of just staying home if I don't feel like going. Personal responsibility is a part of growing up, who knew? (You certainly wouldn't know it growing up here with the hippies who passed for "teachers.")

I also have to admit that Barack Obama is making things interesting for me again. Not because he "inspires" me or makes me less cynical or anything remotely like that. He interests me mainly because I think he has a real shot at becoming the next president of this country and I disagree so strongly with him on pretty much everything. I also don't believe he is as "above it" as most people believe. He is just smarter than most politicians, this makes him a better politician, not a saint.

For example:

McCain criticized Obama for saying in Tuesday night's Democratic debate that, after U.S. troops were withdrawn, as president he would act "if al Qaeda is forming a base in Iraq."

"I have some news. Al Qaeda is in Iraq. It's called `al Qaeda in Iraq,'" McCain told a crowd in Tyler, Texas, drawing laughter at Obama's expense. He said Obama's statement was "pretty remarkable."

Obama quickly answered back while campaigning in Ohio. "I do know that al Qaeda is in Iraq and that's why I have said we should continue to strike al Qaeda targets," he told a rally at Ohio State University in Columbus.

I'm not sure what Obama is suggesting here? That we pull out except for "strikes at al Qaeada targets"??? What does that mean? Air strikes? Except that probably means more innocent civilians wind up as collateral damage. Can someone please explain what his plan here is?

"But I have some news for John McCain," Obama added. "There was no such thing as al Qaeda in Iraq until George Bush and John McCain decided to invade Iraq. ... They took their eye off the people who were responsible for 9/11 and that would be al Qaeda in Afghanistan, that is stronger now than at any time since 2001."

Ah, now this is where Obama's political prowess (at least in today's sound-bite media) is revealed. As I pointed out above Obama's position on Iraq and al Qaeada makes no sense whatsoever. But here he has managed to deflect away from that by reminding people that they are mad at Bush for going to war in the first place. Continue being angry about the past and forget actually trying to do something constructive with what we are presently faced with. This is like how some liberals always bring up "the Indians/Native Americans" when you ask them to give you an example of how the United States is eeeeevillllll.

Obama said he intended to withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq "so we actually start going after al Qaeda in Afghanistan and in the hills of Pakistan like we should have been doing in the first place."

This is kind of a tangent, but doesn't this statement pretty much kill the less-than-well-thought-out idea that Obama's social spending can be paid for by withdrawing from Iraq? Clearly, and to my relief, Obama isn't planning on just disbanding the portion of our military that is currently serving in Iraq.

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wingless was still breathing at 11:18 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, January 05, 2008

we survived!

So apparently, the worst is over. We do have an enormous tree branch resting on our barbecue on the patio but we are alive and that's what matters.

The storm actually was very scary since I was up on the 18th floor for most of it and it sounded like I was working out of a large creaky boat. At one point we looked outside and it was raining so hard it almost looked like a white out. By the time I got out though it was just sprinkling and thanks to Storm Watch 2008 I had an umbrella with me.

It totally amuses me how rain, which I hear is a normal part of life everywhere else in the country, causes panic attacks and Storm Watches and the like in California. The last time it rained in the city there happened to be someone visiting from the NY branch and he kept laughing at how freaked out everyone was getting by the fact that it was sprinkling.


wingless was still breathing at 3:22 PM - 1 comments

Sunday, December 23, 2007

so damn spoiled

I'm talking about myself of course.

Look what Paul surprised me with for Christmas!

My parents were like, Didn't he give you a camera last year?!?


(He got a Warriors Mini-Plan including the Warriors-Lakers game we went to last week! It probably would have been a better gift if the Lakers had won but, hey, I'm not complaining!)

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wingless was still breathing at 8:23 AM - 0 comments

Thursday, December 20, 2007

one track mind

Um. Hey!

*crickets chirping*

So, yeah. It's been awhile. Life has been happening and all. Things have been alright except on Tuesday I got really sick and was throwing up for several hours and got sent home from work and slept until noon. And everyone thought I was pregnant, except alas, I am not. Because you see, Paul is not hugging himself in a corner and weeping that his life is over. Definitive proof I tell ya.

So what has been happening you ask?

  • Paul and I have officially decided to dip our toes in the wading pool that is San Francisco real estate. It all started on Sunday afternoon as we strolled through the neighborhood and found an open house sign for a *gasp* place we could actually afford! Nevermind that the place turned out to be just a tiny bit bigger than an ant farm, still it was something in our price range. This got us thinking about how much we're going to have to pay in taxes with no write-offs to our names and right on cue my awesome bread-winning hubby got a nice big juicy raise. Long story short (I know, already too late right?) we're now in the market. And even with all that credit-crisis-panic somehow we managed to find the one neighborhood in America that really hasn't been affected. At all.

  • One of my childhood friends, Henry, is now officially one of my coworkers at Big Investment Bank. So far it's been fun.

  • Ugh. Can't stare at the computer anymore. Later!


    wingless was still breathing at 3:55 PM - 1 comments

    Saturday, November 24, 2007

    it's official, i suck

    So I forgot to post on Thanksgiving and then I was like okay, whatever, I fail. I had a pretty good run there, though.

    Paul and I have managed to do almost nothing for the past couple days except watch basketball and reruns of Heroes. It's been awesome. I mean that. What with work and all I haven't been able to just laze around like this in way too long.

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    wingless was still breathing at 8:38 PM - 0 comments

    Sunday, November 18, 2007

    oh well


    I meant to blog yesterday, I really did. I even opened up a "create post" page and everything. I just didn't have anything to say so I thought I'd wait a bit to see if the creative juices would start flowing...and then I fell asleep.

    Blogging at 7:50 a.m. on a Sunday morning should almost count as blogging on Saturday night shouldn't it?

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    wingless was still breathing at 7:48 AM - 0 comments

    Thursday, November 15, 2007

    hating my subconscious

    Today was another crappy day at work. Not necessarily because anything really horrible happened but my computer went down just as three different people called to confirm trades and I left with an email box full of emails I haven't really read yet.

    But I will tomorrow. I promise.

    And also, I am a little drunk right now. Because we went out for beers after work. Because we all really needed beer.

    Except now I'm going through all of that self-doubt and second guessing myself because I *revealed* to pretty much everyone that I used to basically work for the Republican party and, I don't know, that's always a little scary when you live in San Francisco (even if you know that no one in the office really cares who you vote for).

    This is one of those things I hate about myself and why I think I still can't get rid of my biggest vice. I hate this feeling of going every-freaking-thing I said over and over in my head and picking apart how many different ways that could have been interpreted and who probably hates me now. This is actually what happens in my head for hours, sometimes days, after spending time socializing with other human beings.

    It's funny because Paul thinks I'm an extrovert. And you would think that I would be since I work in sales and really seem to enjoy interacting with other people. But a true extrovert thrives when they are in a social environment and introverts are drained by it. And that's how it is for me. I like it. I really do. When I'm actually with people, it's great. It's afterwards that's a problem for me. And I guess that's why forcing myself to actually go out and interact with people in a social setting is so infrequent for me. It always ends up really draining me because of all the second-guessing and self-doubt that ensues.

    Maybe this is why I like being married so much. Or, more specifically, being married to Paul. He's probably the only person who I really feel like I can say anything to and not wonder whether he'll still like me or not.

    Or...is this normal? Does everyone wonder all the time whether other people like them or not? I get the feeling that most people don't really care all that much.

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    wingless was still breathing at 5:33 PM - 0 comments

    Wednesday, November 14, 2007

    bells and whistles

    Our building had a fire drill today and because it wasn't mandatory most of us opted not to leave the desk for it. I mean, come on! We work in finance and are therefore far too important and busy to leave our precious work!

    So the only person who actually left was our admin, who was trying to lead by example since the powers that be had designated her as the floor-fire warden. She turned out to be the smartest of us all though because not only did she get to cut out early she didn't have to try to work through the strobe lights and incessant shrieking of the fire alarm for a good fifteen minutes. I really thought I was going to throw up before it finally stopped.

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    wingless was still breathing at 4:19 PM - 2 comments

    Monday, November 12, 2007

    trying to convince paul i'd totally be a good mother

    Happy Veteran's Day Observed Day!

    Since I had the day off and Paul didn't, I did absolutely nothing but watch TV (including The Baby-sitter's Club Movie) and go grocery shopping so I could make my hubby a nice dinner.

    Tossed green salad with a honey-lime dressing made of dijon mustard, honey, lime juice, sesame oil and sugar.

    Bacon wrapped sea-bass filets - seared on one side and finished off in the oven.

    And then Paul decided to whip up a couple Santor-tini's to go with our dinner. He added some vanilla syrup because we found the original recipe wasn't sweet enough for our tastes.

    I was also going to make pear flambe (using the pear brandy from the Santor-tini) with vanilla ice cream for dessert but alas we have no butter and I thought we had butter so I didn't buy any at the market today. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

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    wingless was still breathing at 8:06 PM - 0 comments

    Sunday, November 11, 2007

    Day 11

    Today we managed to accomplish almost nothing.


    wingless was still breathing at 10:13 PM - 0 comments

    Saturday, November 10, 2007

    Day 10

    This morning Paul and I woke up at 7 a.m. Had a discussion about Jensen's alpha (can his findings be applied to bond fund managers? me: yes, paul: no - but then again he does WORK FOR a bond fund manager) and then he vacuumed the apartment while I cleaned the bathroom.

    Ah, the married life ;)

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    wingless was still breathing at 8:20 AM - 0 comments

    Thursday, October 18, 2007

    Random things

  • I feel pretty bad for the poor guy who married this crazy chick.
    She says Posy Floral Design in Manhattan substituted pastel pink and green hydrangeas for the dark rust and green ones she had specified for 22 centerpieces.

    Not only that, she alleges that the hydrangeas were wilted and brown, and arranged in dusty vases without enough water.

    "The use of predominantly pastel centerpieces had a significant impact on the look of the room and was entirely inconsistent with the vision the plaintiffs had bargained for," Glatt, a lawyer, said in the lawsuit, filed on behalf of herself, her husband, David, and her mother-in-law, Tobi Glatt, who paid for the flowers.

    The flowers cost $27,435.14. The lawsuit asks for more than $400,000 in restitution and damages.

    Yeesh. Talk about focusing on the wrong thing here, lady. Did you get married? Does it significantly alter the course of your life? I mean, seriously?

    Anyone surprised she's a lawyer?

  • Since I work at a trading desk for an investment bank there are not a lot of other females around. In fact, there's one saleswoman, our admin and yours truly. So I work with a bunch of guys who all happen to be happily married, engaged or moving in with their gf's. This works out well for me since I too am married, and it probably gives us all more in common since no one's really out and about partying all the time. Not like we could with our hours though. Anyway...

  • Today was better than yesterday. Thank God. I wanted to post this yesterday but I just couldn't even bring myself to talk about work at all yesterday. Not even a little bit. It was that bad. I kind of just left. I still had a few things I could have done but my friend who gives me a ride home was leaving and for a brief moment I thought about staying and waiting for my trade to match (good thing I didn't since it didn't match until this morning) and walking or taking the bus home. And I thought about the last time I waited and stayed until like 4:30 for the TA's to just book the damn trade already...and I couldn't do it.

    And then of course I felt bad about leaving. And worried something horrific would happen because of the unmatched trade. Which was really, really unlikely. But this did not prevent the worrying.

    Everything was fine and no one else even really seemed to notice it until I called this morning wondering what was going on there. And it matched and settled and the world was in balance once again. There were no fire drills today, no staring intently back and forth between the clock and your email/bloomberg waiting for a response because the deadline is approaching and it's a REAL deadline not one of those "eh" deadlines, but like a serious deadline where you WILL BE CUT OFF at this time. Period. End of statement. Absolutely no exceptions. And there are exactly six minutes left and OH MY GOD. I can't talk about that anymore.

    Let's just leave it at, today was better than yesterday.

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    wingless was still breathing at 3:50 PM - 0 comments

    Monday, September 17, 2007

    Sorry so lame

    So...yes. I lied. It's been two weeks and no blogging >< Last week work went back to being a little nutty and two nights in a row I slept at 7:30. That's pm. Yeah, I'm like ninety now.

    You know what though? My life is really...dull. I wake up, I work, I walk home, I sit around and watch TV and contemplate the day I will begin to study for my Series 7 & 63 (tomorrow, I swear!). Then Paul comes home, we eat, play some DOTA or watch more TV, then sleep, rinse, repeat. Not very interesting to write about. Or read about, I imagine.

    I am probably lying again because I seem to do that a lot when it comes to what I plan to do with this website, but maybe I'll start trying to write more reviews of restaurants/things to do in SF. Paul and I are working on being all cultured and as such we have tickets to Mama Mia this Thursday. (Of course this means I will be asleep at my desk on Friday morning). That's about all we got going on here.

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    wingless was still breathing at 4:23 PM - 0 comments

    Sunday, August 19, 2007

    Burning a hole in our pockets


    We bought a car. And yes, perhaps we spent a little too much. But it has navigation! And wireless link thingamajig that connects to my cell phone! And a rear-view camera! And I still think we got a really good deal so I'm not completely devastated at how I just doubled my debt in one afternoon. Plus you can totally fit a car-seat in the back.

    On the way home in our new car, the first big thing that we legally own together as husband and wife, I looked out at the amazing view of our city and remarked to Paul how good our lives are right now. He agreed.

    God has really blessed us.

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    wingless was still breathing at 7:09 PM - 0 comments

    Saturday, August 18, 2007

    It's my life

    Yesterday was another twelve hour day for yours truly. Thank GOD my partner is going to be back on Monday. He better be anyway.

    It was still a good day though, the big boss in the office bought me my lunch for getting through "a rough week" and another guy in the office brought in bagels, also in honor of me surviving the week. AND the best par? My manager is giving me an "under the table" day off to take sometime before the end of the year! Wahoo! It feels good to be appreciated, especially considering I know the week wasn't easy for them either with only one sales assistant in our office.

    I walked home through the city around 5pm and it was a completely different world since I had last seen it twelve hours earlier at 5am. It was a beautiful day and the city was bustling. People were spilling out of bars in the financial district, Chinatown was full of tourists. Washington Square Park packed with people lounging in the grass or playing with their dogs or eating Gelato and strolling about. Also, crazy homeless people yelling, but whatever. I even stopped by this great bakery in Chinatown and got dozens of bao zi to bring home to the family in Fremont. As I was heading down the hill towards Pier 39, almost home, I had an amazing view of the bay, boats in the horizon, the sky perfectly blue and it struck me how lucky I am to live where I do. I mean, really, in the last seven years of my life, other than a brief stint in Turlock (which by the way I actually really enjoyed) I've been living in places where people go on vacation. Not even in the suburbs of these places, but like smack dab in the middle of West Los Angeles, Paris and San Francisco.

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    wingless was still breathing at 7:46 AM - 0 comments

    Friday, July 20, 2007

    Oh, yeah! I have a blog!

    It's. Finally. Friday.

    I can't remember the last time I felt this grateful for Friday (particularly since I had class on Saturdays in France). And really? I'm actually kind of bummed by how happy the fact that it's Friday is making me. Because, man, this is the rest of my life isn't it? Back to the grind. Back to Friday being the highlight of the week and cursing the fact thatthe weekend is only two days long. Sad stuff.

    I have a few things to say about my new job but I haven't fully thought stuff out so let's just save that for another day.

    In other news, I'm twenty-five today. The big 2-5. Time for a quarter-life crisis? Oddly enough the fact that I'm married makes me feel like being twenty-five is perfectly okay, because dude! I'm ahead of the game here right? So, no, no quarter-life crisis here. Twenty-five is fine with me. Perhaps my next birthday will throw me into some kind of existential tailspin but so far, so good. I really don't mind getting older, because, I mean, getting married was fun. I'm sure the rest will be fun too...having babies, advancing a career, etc. etc. Generally I'm the type that likes to look back and revel in nostalgia but as I get older it seems more and more pointless so I'm trying to focus on the present and the future. The past really wasn't that great anyhow.

    So there you have it.

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    wingless was still breathing at 3:37 PM - 0 comments

    Thursday, May 31, 2007

    Writer's block

    I want to write something great. Something witty, humorous and yet somehow profound and meaningful. I really do.

    But for some bizarre reason every time I sit down to write garbage pours out and this is what we're left with. I'll be honest with you, I have no freaking clue what is going on in the world right now. The only website I've read recently is ESPN and the most stimulating debate Paul and I have had in the last few weeks is whether or not the Suns would even want Kobe Bryant (no freakin' way!).

    I guess I've just got so much mess going on in my own life right now that I'm scared to even stick a pinky toe in the pool of politics.

    It's not that I'm busy, because, well, I'm not. Yesterday my big outing of the day was a trip to Arby's where I didn't even have to get out of my car (thank God for drive thru). I think I spent eleventeen hours in bed watching every single episode of How I Met Your Mother (awesome show by the way) before moving onto Weeds (also a good show). See, my life isn't exactly a whirlwind of excitement at the moment.

    Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this. I could just write something about how I'm moving and there's this wedding and have I mentioned that I need a job? But I think about three people read this anyway so I might as well be honest when it comes to my excuses for not writing.

    Come to think of it, maybe it is the fact that my life is so incredibly not earth shaking that I have nothing good to write about.

    Well, I'm off. I actually *gasp* got dressed and everything today. Going to meet Jon this morning before he drives back to LA!


    wingless was still breathing at 10:17 AM - 0 comments

    Monday, May 28, 2007

    Happy Memorial Day

    The long weekend came and went way too quickly. Paul came up and we went apartment hunting and thought we had found a great place until we came home and looked at the reviews which all screamed, "Horrible neighborhood, lots of prostitutes." And also, "Run by slumlords." So we decided to go with option number two which also got some bad reviews but mostly about thin walls, noise and mean property managers, but the lack of sex trade issues made it the winner.

    Other than that we did a lot of running around and taking naps at random hours of the day and now Paul has probably landed in LA, my mom and grandma are flying to Taiwan tomorrow and the house will be generally empty which will make me sad and probably drink wine in the morning.

    Luckily I'll be flying to LA this Saturday to deal with flowers/dress/DJ/hair/makeup and any other wedding issues that need to be addressed. Oh and driving Paul's car up because we're movin' on up!

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    wingless was still breathing at 8:31 PM - 0 comments

    Thursday, May 24, 2007

    Stand in the rain

    Paul managed to calm me down, which I suppose is one of the multitude of reasons I am marrying him. Also, bridesmaids helped too which is why they are my bridesmaids and best friends and love them. (Aware that that was an incomplete, grammatically horrendous sentence and don't care.)

    It's weird but being in France, five thousand miles away from Paul for almost five months was tolerable. For the most part I did not feel like I was about to go mad or have any sort of nervous breakdown or any other negative type reactions. Obviously I wasn't deliriously happy about it or anything but I also wasn't feeling like a crazy person ready to jump out of my skin.

    I wish I could say the same thing about being a mere 360 miles apart. For reasons I can't quite put my finger on I'm having a much harder time with this. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there is so much to do and I am finally in a position to do it and I'm feeling a little bit like a deer in the headlights with a ten ton truck rushing at me at eight hundred thousand miles per hour. Typically when I'm feeling like this, Paul rubs my back, cooks something delicious and pours me a large glass of wine. But he is not here and so mostly I have just been pouring myself many large glasses of wine. Not exactly the healthiest of coping strategies I suppose.

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    wingless was still breathing at 1:38 PM - 0 comments

    Saturday, May 19, 2007

    Welcome to the real world

    So. Hey.

    I'm back!

    Yes, I know, not very exciting. Sort of anti-climatic really. But it is nice to be back.

    I figured this out when I first moved to France and it holds true for coming back to the States - it's really the little differences that get to you. For example, toilet flushes being on the side of tanks rather than at the top. Or the way people don't stand to the right side of the escalator so that people who want to walk can go up the left side. Or feeling ashamed of how you really wanted a beer with your Taco Bell. No longer being able to make snide remarks at people standing two feet away from you because you know they won't understand what you are saying anyway.

    When I was in France, especially towards the end of my time there, I was starting to get really antsy. I felt like my life in France was pretend-life and that my real-life was back in America, on hold, waiting for me to come home. It mostly had to do with the job that couldn't be found from 5,000 miles away and the wedding that couldn't be planned from across the Atlantic. Well, like most things, the grass is always greener and now that I'm back I'm wishing I had appreciated life being on hold a little bit more.

    Real life...well it's not what I was expecting. Things are messed up on a lot of levels. Family, friends, things just seem to be in such disarray. And maybe I'm only feeling this way because my grandmother is in the other room moaning and my mom and aunt are going nuts trying to take care of her. Or it could be because I found out tonight that a friend has had cancer for the last few months, fucking cancer, and I've been such a shit of a person that even though I noticed chemo references in his profile I never bothered to ask him what was up. Yup. Go me. I fucking rule.

    But you know what, I'm not going to make this all boo-hoo about me. Obviously there are bigger things going down in the world and I just need to grow up and deal with it. C'est la vie.


    wingless was still breathing at 9:55 PM - 0 comments

    Saturday, April 28, 2007

    Flutter by

    So the last post probably makes me sound like a complete and total b*tch. Whatever. This blog is a form of catharsis for me and it was something that really needed to be released.

    But, that is also why I'm writing this post. To get that one off the top of the page.

    It's three thirty in the morning and I should be studying for a ridiculous test I have to take on Monday, but I am not. I am thinking about how the hell I'm going to study tomorrow, entertain my sister who does not deserve to be trapped in an apartment on a beautiful day in Paris, and how to control the intense crabbiness I've been feeling these last few days.

    Seriously. I don't know what it's all about. I just know that I feel really pissy and frustrated and I keep snapping at things that shouldn't bug me. Or at least, not enough to get snappy over. I am also still feeling totally exhausted, So exhausted that when my sister and I took a walk to the gardens near the Louvre today I completely passed out in one of the nifty lawn chairs that are distributed in Parisian gardens. So people like me can nap under a tree.

    Seriously, I could have been robbed, I was that asleep.

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    wingless was still breathing at 6:27 PM - 1 comments

    Tuesday, April 24, 2007

    Best laid plans

    My head is exploding with things to write about - I'm not even sure where to begin. But my baby sister is getting in tomorrow and I have to pick her up from teh airport in just under six hours so I better get some freaking rest already.


    wingless was still breathing at 5:31 PM - 0 comments

    When you wish upon a star

    I was all set to write a completely self-deprecating post about how I feel like such a sh*tty person for the way I'm feeling about my roommate.


    That thing I was waiting for? The thing I've been waiting for, for what feels like YEARS now (reality: three weeks)?

    HE GOT IT! Paul got his dream job and that means...I GET TO MOVE HOME!! It's happening! It's really really happening! And I can barely believe it. And I am so, so happy for my Hubs because he deserves this and he's earned it and oh my GOD, how God has blessed us! Blessed me, really.

    I still can't believe it. I'M GOING HOME =o

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    wingless was still breathing at 3:26 PM - 1 comments

    Saturday, April 21, 2007


    Recently my days have been laced with this feeling of utter terror at how completely powerless I am in the grand scheme of things (i.e. where I will be one month from now). And since I'm being honest here, I might as well admit that I've been having these daily, mini-panic attacks, really? Since I graduated from college and realized how totally direction-less you are when you've just completed a degree in political science.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't regret for a second majoring in political science. In fact, if I had it to do all over again I would still major in political science...I just would also have majored in something else too. Or at least minored. And not in Psychology. Or maybe I would have just made sure to kiss up to my professors and get the grades I knew I was capable of but was too lazy to earn at the time because I was young and stupid and did not realize that even in college your grades still matter. And then I would have gone to law school and would probably be writing about how much I hate life. BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD DIRECTION. So there.

    Anywho, I guess that's really neither here nor there since the past is past and hindsight is twenty-twenty and really the problem isn't so much that graduating with a degree in political science = directionless but that I, in fact, was directionless.

    So now, here I am three years later and I am no longer directionless, just kind of powerless and I'm not sure which one I like less. I'm trying to stay positive because I really have taken a lot of steps in the right direction this year and I am proud of that. And I am learning to be slightly less neurotic and more trusting in God's plan for me. It's one of those things that you have to say to yourself a thousand times before it gets in just a little. So yes, I will still continue to have my mini-freak out moments when the fact that I don't know what's about to happen will drive me crazy and I might hyperventilate a little...but then I get over it and go back to studying and taking one breath at a time.

    Everything's gonna be alright. And yes, this post is more to convince myself of this than it is to convince anyone who might be reading it.

    Some days I must admit
    I still don't get this
    Could be it's time to quit?
    When days get like this
    I slip into the night
    Then stumble towards the light
    Wake up and try again

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    wingless was still breathing at 6:02 PM - 0 comments

    Tuesday, April 17, 2007

    Last but not least

    It's not my something silly (still working on that), but I realized I left off one very important goal to reach before thirty. It's actually one I hope to reach before I turn 25 in July, but we'll see how it goes.

    8. Start a career

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    wingless was still breathing at 5:23 AM - 0 comments

    Sunday, April 15, 2007

    Waiting for my real life to begin

    With Scrubs as my inspiration, last night I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday (only about five years away!). Admittedly it is a bit ambitious, but I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibility. It would probably have been a better idea to have made this list when I graduated from college (or in college) but I wasn't an avid Scrubs watcher at that point in my life, so oh well. Better late than never.

    In no particular order...(and yes I know I cheated and put something on there I've already done, but I wanted something to cross out! and it really is something I've always wanted to do, so technically it should be okay, right?)

    Joyce's List of Stuff To Do Before 30

    1. Finish Master's degree

    2. Live abroad

    3. Get married

    4. Have a baby

    5. Buy a house

    6. Get MBA

    7. Get CFA

    All it's lacking is something silly that I actually do want to do...like Turk's "have sex while playing frogger" or JD's "sleep naked in a hammock." I'll have to think on that for awhile...

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    wingless was still breathing at 3:58 PM - 0 comments

    Wednesday, April 11, 2007

    Odds and ends

    Oh yeah, remember how last week I was rambling on about waiting for some news? Well. STILL WAITING.

    There was a little flurry of news, but things are once again moving at the lightning speed of...a snail.


    And if you were wondering, I did suck it up and email the recruiter with my availability. The funny thing is I couldn't do it until I had typed up a Microsoft Word document with responses to inevitable questions. Seriously? This Master's degree is bringing out the Type-A-Crazy in me.

    Bah, okay, that's probably not true. Since my best friend in college, Jesse, has been telling me since forever to "calm the f*ck down."


    Does anyone know of a good wedding DJ under $400 in the LA area? We've got one for $400 but we'd like to pay a little less if possible since it's a morning/afternoon wedding. Thanks!

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    wingless was still breathing at 4:03 AM - 0 comments

    Can't get myself to go away

    I'm by myself in the apartment today and I am reminded of just how much I hate being alone. Something about the silence, and myself, is absolutely terrifying. I miss my cat.

    Luckily it's a beautiful day outside. I think I will go get lost in Paris. Maybe take some pictures, if y'all are lucky.

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    wingless was still breathing at 3:54 AM - 0 comments

    Saturday, April 07, 2007


    I'm not sure it's the healthiest thing in the world but I've started reading the blog of this woman who was recently divorced. That's not what's unhealthy, though, the unhealthy part is that I've been reading only the posts in the "divorce" category and I'm not sure why.

    She's really funny though. And even though it's obvious that the divorce caused her a lot of pain, she took it in stride and doesn't sound overly bitter and seems to be able to laugh at the horror of it all. She's one of those people I can totally relate to except that she's much more articulate and funny than I could ever be.

    Reading her posts scare the crap out of me because it makes me wonder and panic and hyperventilate a little bit because? What if that's me one day? What if Paul has a midlife crisis and leaves me alone with four cats, a drinking problem and a bunch of bills?

    Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end this way but it seems like so many do and well, how do you know? How do you know that you won't end up alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying to your cat ten years from now? How do you know that you ARE different? That your marriage is different? Your love is different?

    And the thing that scares me the most is that I don't think I could deal with it the way she has. I think it would destroy me and pulverize me into little bits of something I used to be.

    And I know, I know, I'm freaking crazy. Paul and I are fine. Paul is wonderful. More than wonderful. But I think that only makes it all the more frightening. I have no idea what I'd do if he left me, it's totally unimaginable. Just the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach - and nothing is even happening! Ah, what's wrong with me.

    Don't answer that.

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    wingless was still breathing at 5:40 PM - 1 comments

    Thursday, April 05, 2007

    Take From Me My Life - Third Day

    How many times have I turned away?
    The number is the same as the sand on the shore
    But every time You've taken me back
    And now I pray You do it once more

    Please take from me my life
    When I don't have the strength
    To give it away to You
    Please take from me my life
    When I don't have the strength
    To give it away to You, Jesus

    How many times have I turned away?
    The number is the same as the stars in the sky
    But every time You've taken me back
    And now I pray you do it tonight

    Please take from me my life
    When I don't have the strength
    To give it away to You
    Please take from me my life
    When I don't have the strength
    To give it away to You, Jesus
    To give it away to You, Jesus

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    wingless was still breathing at 2:45 PM - 0 comments

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