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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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catching up
I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Or falling into one maybe. Nothing in particular is going on...just life in all its hectic glory. I don't know why I haven't felt like writing about any of it and so most of it has gone by without much of a mention here. For example, Paul and I almost bought a condo (twice actually!) but alas the only "housing crisis" in our neighborhood is that there apparently isn't enough of it. I'm pretty much okay with not being a homeowner right now because a) there is still so much uncertainty in the financial markets, who knows if our jobs are even as safe as we think? and b) being a half million dollars (plus) in debt frightens the hell out of me. There's also been a series of random events at work which have started me thinking about my Career. And the Future. I do like my job and it's definitely kept me interested longer than any other job has in the past, but I can feel myself starting to hit a wall. At the end of the day it's still mainly an operations position and I know that it's only a matter of time before I start wanting more. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there. Contentment is so fleeting, it sucks. So I guess I'm going to have to figure it all out soon...do I want to go to b-school? Find a new job? Do I have a decent shot at moving up into sales eventually if I stay? I'll be taking my licensing exam soon and I plan on having a casual chat with the managing director about all this shortly after...IF I can muster up the courage. I know that no matter how it goes my own self-doubt will make me torture myself by going over the conversation over and over and over again until my brain explodes and/or I'm breathing into a bag. You know, I feel really lied to. When I was little, adults always made it sound like as long as you got into a good college, the rest would pretty much just map itself out. Then you get out of college and realize that it never ends...you're always wondering what the next step is. Labels: house hunters, Life, Ruminations, the grind
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The other day I was going through our junk mail and AmEx had sent Paul one of those sweepstake entry form thingys. Being the cynical fellow that he is, Paul's first reaction was "shred it." I, being the hopeful optimist that I am, said, why not just give it a shot? It's a million dollars after all. This of course led to a discussion of what sort of dream home we would buy if we won - it was only a brief discussion because we quickly realized that a million dollars is really only $500,000 after Uncle Sam takes his share and that, that will not buy one's dream home in SF. Unless, of course, one's dream home is a 500sqft one bedroom condo with a great view of the building next door. And maybe a parking spot - if you're lucky. What housing market crash? Not here in SF anyway. Labels: house hunters, Life, The Hubs
Saturday, March 01, 2008
A lot of people who knew me in college might be surprised at how largely uninvolved I am in politics nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can still deliver a pretty impassioned argument when the situation calls for it, but for the most part I just don't have the energy to keep up and care so damn much anymore. My excuse is that life has gotten in the way. And I'm not trying to say that I'm sooo busy these days - I'm well aware that there are mothers balancing demanding jobs who still find the time to stay up-to-date on current events and blog regularly - I'm just saying I'm a lot busier than I've ever been before and it's taking some adjusting. For the first time in my life I'm juggling several different things and for the most part don't have the option to blow off any of those things for a day or two or maybe a week if I feel like it. (Ahh college, how I miss you.) I miss sitting. And staring. I miss doing nothing. So usually if I'm not at work and not doing something related to trying to make an offer on a condo we're interested in, then I opt to just sit and do something mindless like read about what fast-food excursions Britney Spears took that day or watch some basketball. BUT! I think I am finally turning a corner. We've been at this house thing for over four months now and I feel like I have a much better feeling for the market we're looking in and the market as a whole (lucky for me I can get a good feeling for that at work). And I am also getting accustomed to not having the option of just staying home if I don't feel like going. Personal responsibility is a part of growing up, who knew? (You certainly wouldn't know it growing up here with the hippies who passed for "teachers.") I also have to admit that Barack Obama is making things interesting for me again. Not because he "inspires" me or makes me less cynical or anything remotely like that. He interests me mainly because I think he has a real shot at becoming the next president of this country and I disagree so strongly with him on pretty much everything. I also don't believe he is as "above it" as most people believe. He is just smarter than most politicians, this makes him a better politician, not a saint. I'm not sure what Obama is suggesting here? That we pull out except for "strikes at al Qaeada targets"??? What does that mean? Air strikes? Except that probably means more innocent civilians wind up as collateral damage. Can someone please explain what his plan here is? Ah, now this is where Obama's political prowess (at least in today's sound-bite media) is revealed. As I pointed out above Obama's position on Iraq and al Qaeada makes no sense whatsoever. But here he has managed to deflect away from that by reminding people that they are mad at Bush for going to war in the first place. Continue being angry about the past and forget actually trying to do something constructive with what we are presently faced with. This is like how some liberals always bring up "the Indians/Native Americans" when you ask them to give you an example of how the United States is eeeeevillllll. This is kind of a tangent, but doesn't this statement pretty much kill the less-than-well-thought-out idea that Obama's social spending can be paid for by withdrawing from Iraq? Clearly, and to my relief, Obama isn't planning on just disbanding the portion of our military that is currently serving in Iraq. Labels: 2008 Elections, house hunters, Life, Politics, the grind
Saturday, January 05, 2008
So apparently, the worst is over. We do have an enormous tree branch resting on our barbecue on the patio but we are alive and that's what matters. The storm actually was very scary since I was up on the 18th floor for most of it and it sounded like I was working out of a large creaky boat. At one point we looked outside and it was raining so hard it almost looked like a white out. By the time I got out though it was just sprinkling and thanks to Storm Watch 2008 I had an umbrella with me. It totally amuses me how rain, which I hear is a normal part of life everywhere else in the country, causes panic attacks and Storm Watches and the like in California. The last time it rained in the city there happened to be someone visiting from the NY branch and he kept laughing at how freaked out everyone was getting by the fact that it was sprinkling. Labels: Life
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I'm talking about myself of course. Look what Paul surprised me with for Christmas! My parents were like, Didn't he give you a camera last year?!? Mmm...yup. (He got a Warriors Mini-Plan including the Warriors-Lakers game we went to last week! It probably would have been a better gift if the Lakers had won but, hey, I'm not complaining!)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Um. Hey! *crickets chirping* So, yeah. It's been awhile. Life has been happening and all. Things have been alright except on Tuesday I got really sick and was throwing up for several hours and got sent home from work and slept until noon. And everyone thought I was pregnant, except alas, I am not. Because you see, Paul is not hugging himself in a corner and weeping that his life is over. Definitive proof I tell ya. So what has been happening you ask? Ugh. Can't stare at the computer anymore. Later! Labels: Life
Saturday, November 24, 2007
So I forgot to post on Thanksgiving and then I was like okay, whatever, I fail. I had a pretty good run there, though. Paul and I have managed to do almost nothing for the past couple days except watch basketball and reruns of Heroes. It's been awesome. I mean that. What with work and all I haven't been able to just laze around like this in way too long. Labels: blogging, Life, The Hubs
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Um...oops? I meant to blog yesterday, I really did. I even opened up a "create post" page and everything. I just didn't have anything to say so I thought I'd wait a bit to see if the creative juices would start flowing...and then I fell asleep. Blogging at 7:50 a.m. on a Sunday morning should almost count as blogging on Saturday night shouldn't it?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Today was another crappy day at work. Not necessarily because anything really horrible happened but my computer went down just as three different people called to confirm trades and I left with an email box full of emails I haven't really read yet. But I will tomorrow. I promise. And also, I am a little drunk right now. Because we went out for beers after work. Because we all really needed beer. Except now I'm going through all of that self-doubt and second guessing myself because I *revealed* to pretty much everyone that I used to basically work for the Republican party and, I don't know, that's always a little scary when you live in San Francisco (even if you know that no one in the office really cares who you vote for). This is one of those things I hate about myself and why I think I still can't get rid of my biggest vice. I hate this feeling of going every-freaking-thing I said over and over in my head and picking apart how many different ways that could have been interpreted and who probably hates me now. This is actually what happens in my head for hours, sometimes days, after spending time socializing with other human beings. It's funny because Paul thinks I'm an extrovert. And you would think that I would be since I work in sales and really seem to enjoy interacting with other people. But a true extrovert thrives when they are in a social environment and introverts are drained by it. And that's how it is for me. I like it. I really do. When I'm actually with people, it's great. It's afterwards that's a problem for me. And I guess that's why forcing myself to actually go out and interact with people in a social setting is so infrequent for me. It always ends up really draining me because of all the second-guessing and self-doubt that ensues. Maybe this is why I like being married so much. Or, more specifically, being married to Paul. He's probably the only person who I really feel like I can say anything to and not wonder whether he'll still like me or not. Or...is this normal? Does everyone wonder all the time whether other people like them or not? I get the feeling that most people don't really care all that much. Labels: Life, the grind, The Hubs
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Our building had a fire drill today and because it wasn't mandatory most of us opted not to leave the desk for it. I mean, come on! We work in finance and are therefore far too important and busy to leave our precious work! So the only person who actually left was our admin, who was trying to lead by example since the powers that be had designated her as the floor-fire warden. She turned out to be the smartest of us all though because not only did she get to cut out early she didn't have to try to work through the strobe lights and incessant shrieking of the fire alarm for a good fifteen minutes. I really thought I was going to throw up before it finally stopped.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Happy Veteran's Day Observed Day! Since I had the day off and Paul didn't, I did absolutely nothing but watch TV (including The Baby-sitter's Club Movie) and go grocery shopping so I could make my hubby a nice dinner. Tossed green salad with a honey-lime dressing made of dijon mustard, honey, lime juice, sesame oil and sugar. Bacon wrapped sea-bass filets - seared on one side and finished off in the oven. And then Paul decided to whip up a couple Santor-tini's to go with our dinner. He added some vanilla syrup because we found the original recipe wasn't sweet enough for our tastes. I was also going to make pear flambe (using the pear brandy from the Santor-tini) with vanilla ice cream for dessert but alas we have no butter and I thought we had butter so I didn't buy any at the market today. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. Labels: Bon Appetite, Life
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Today we managed to accomplish almost nothing. Labels: Life
Saturday, November 10, 2007
This morning Paul and I woke up at 7 a.m. Had a discussion about Jensen's alpha (can his findings be applied to bond fund managers? me: yes, paul: no - but then again he does WORK FOR a bond fund manager) and then he vacuumed the apartment while I cleaned the bathroom. Ah, the married life ;)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Yeesh. Talk about focusing on the wrong thing here, lady. Did you get married? Does it significantly alter the course of your life? I mean, seriously? Anyone surprised she's a lawyer? And then of course I felt bad about leaving. And worried something horrific would happen because of the unmatched trade. Which was really, really unlikely. But this did not prevent the worrying. Everything was fine and no one else even really seemed to notice it until I called this morning wondering what was going on there. And it matched and settled and the world was in balance once again. There were no fire drills today, no staring intently back and forth between the clock and your email/bloomberg waiting for a response because the deadline is approaching and it's a REAL deadline not one of those "eh" deadlines, but like a serious deadline where you WILL BE CUT OFF at this time. Period. End of statement. Absolutely no exceptions. And there are exactly six minutes left and OH MY GOD. I can't talk about that anymore. Let's just leave it at, today was better than yesterday. Labels: Life, Make Joyce go something something, Random, the grind
Monday, September 17, 2007
So...yes. I lied. It's been two weeks and no blogging >< Last week work went back to being a little nutty and two nights in a row I slept at 7:30. That's pm. Yeah, I'm like ninety now. You know what though? My life is really...dull. I wake up, I work, I walk home, I sit around and watch TV and contemplate the day I will begin to study for my Series 7 & 63 (tomorrow, I swear!). Then Paul comes home, we eat, play some DOTA or watch more TV, then sleep, rinse, repeat. Not very interesting to write about. Or read about, I imagine. I am probably lying again because I seem to do that a lot when it comes to what I plan to do with this website, but maybe I'll start trying to write more reviews of restaurants/things to do in SF. Paul and I are working on being all cultured and as such we have tickets to Mama Mia this Thursday. (Of course this means I will be asleep at my desk on Friday morning). That's about all we got going on here. Labels: blogging, Life, the grind
Sunday, August 19, 2007
So... We bought a car. And yes, perhaps we spent a little too much. But it has navigation! And wireless link thingamajig that connects to my cell phone! And a rear-view camera! And I still think we got a really good deal so I'm not completely devastated at how I just doubled my debt in one afternoon. Plus you can totally fit a car-seat in the back. On the way home in our new car, the first big thing that we legally own together as husband and wife, I looked out at the amazing view of our city and remarked to Paul how good our lives are right now. He agreed. God has really blessed us.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Yesterday was another twelve hour day for yours truly. Thank GOD my partner is going to be back on Monday. He better be anyway. It was still a good day though, the big boss in the office bought me my lunch for getting through "a rough week" and another guy in the office brought in bagels, also in honor of me surviving the week. AND the best par? My manager is giving me an "under the table" day off to take sometime before the end of the year! Wahoo! It feels good to be appreciated, especially considering I know the week wasn't easy for them either with only one sales assistant in our office. I walked home through the city around 5pm and it was a completely different world since I had last seen it twelve hours earlier at 5am. It was a beautiful day and the city was bustling. People were spilling out of bars in the financial district, Chinatown was full of tourists. Washington Square Park packed with people lounging in the grass or playing with their dogs or eating Gelato and strolling about. Also, crazy homeless people yelling, but whatever. I even stopped by this great bakery in Chinatown and got dozens of bao zi to bring home to the family in Fremont. As I was heading down the hill towards Pier 39, almost home, I had an amazing view of the bay, boats in the horizon, the sky perfectly blue and it struck me how lucky I am to live where I do. I mean, really, in the last seven years of my life, other than a brief stint in Turlock (which by the way I actually really enjoyed) I've been living in places where people go on vacation. Not even in the suburbs of these places, but like smack dab in the middle of West Los Angeles, Paris and San Francisco. Labels: Life, San Francisco, the grind
Friday, July 20, 2007
It's. Finally. Friday. I can't remember the last time I felt this grateful for Friday (particularly since I had class on Saturdays in France). And really? I'm actually kind of bummed by how happy the fact that it's Friday is making me. Because, man, this is the rest of my life isn't it? Back to the grind. Back to Friday being the highlight of the week and cursing the fact thatthe weekend is only two days long. Sad stuff. I have a few things to say about my new job but I haven't fully thought stuff out so let's just save that for another day. In other news, I'm twenty-five today. The big 2-5. Time for a quarter-life crisis? Oddly enough the fact that I'm married makes me feel like being twenty-five is perfectly okay, because dude! I'm ahead of the game here right? So, no, no quarter-life crisis here. Twenty-five is fine with me. Perhaps my next birthday will throw me into some kind of existential tailspin but so far, so good. I really don't mind getting older, because, I mean, getting married was fun. I'm sure the rest will be fun too...having babies, advancing a career, etc. etc. Generally I'm the type that likes to look back and revel in nostalgia but as I get older it seems more and more pointless so I'm trying to focus on the present and the future. The past really wasn't that great anyhow. So there you have it.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
I want to write something great. Something witty, humorous and yet somehow profound and meaningful. I really do. But for some bizarre reason every time I sit down to write garbage pours out and this is what we're left with. I'll be honest with you, I have no freaking clue what is going on in the world right now. The only website I've read recently is ESPN and the most stimulating debate Paul and I have had in the last few weeks is whether or not the Suns would even want Kobe Bryant (no freakin' way!). I guess I've just got so much mess going on in my own life right now that I'm scared to even stick a pinky toe in the pool of politics. It's not that I'm busy, because, well, I'm not. Yesterday my big outing of the day was a trip to Arby's where I didn't even have to get out of my car (thank God for drive thru). I think I spent eleventeen hours in bed watching every single episode of How I Met Your Mother (awesome show by the way) before moving onto Weeds (also a good show). See, my life isn't exactly a whirlwind of excitement at the moment. Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this. I could just write something about how I'm moving and there's this wedding and have I mentioned that I need a job? But I think about three people read this anyway so I might as well be honest when it comes to my excuses for not writing. Come to think of it, maybe it is the fact that my life is so incredibly not earth shaking that I have nothing good to write about. Well, I'm off. I actually *gasp* got dressed and everything today. Going to meet Jon this morning before he drives back to LA! Labels: Life
Monday, May 28, 2007
The long weekend came and went way too quickly. Paul came up and we went apartment hunting and thought we had found a great place until we came home and looked at the reviews which all screamed, "Horrible neighborhood, lots of prostitutes." And also, "Run by slumlords." So we decided to go with option number two which also got some bad reviews but mostly about thin walls, noise and mean property managers, but the lack of sex trade issues made it the winner. Other than that we did a lot of running around and taking naps at random hours of the day and now Paul has probably landed in LA, my mom and grandma are flying to Taiwan tomorrow and the house will be generally empty which will make me sad and probably drink wine in the morning. Luckily I'll be flying to LA this Saturday to deal with flowers/dress/DJ/hair/makeup and any other wedding issues that need to be addressed. Oh and driving Paul's car up because we're movin' on up! Labels: Joyce likes wine, Life, Wedding Planning
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Paul managed to calm me down, which I suppose is one of the multitude of reasons I am marrying him. Also, bridesmaids helped too which is why they are my bridesmaids and best friends and love them. (Aware that that was an incomplete, grammatically horrendous sentence and don't care.) It's weird but being in France, five thousand miles away from Paul for almost five months was tolerable. For the most part I did not feel like I was about to go mad or have any sort of nervous breakdown or any other negative type reactions. Obviously I wasn't deliriously happy about it or anything but I also wasn't feeling like a crazy person ready to jump out of my skin. I wish I could say the same thing about being a mere 360 miles apart. For reasons I can't quite put my finger on I'm having a much harder time with this. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there is so much to do and I am finally in a position to do it and I'm feeling a little bit like a deer in the headlights with a ten ton truck rushing at me at eight hundred thousand miles per hour. Typically when I'm feeling like this, Paul rubs my back, cooks something delicious and pours me a large glass of wine. But he is not here and so mostly I have just been pouring myself many large glasses of wine. Not exactly the healthiest of coping strategies I suppose. Labels: Depression, Life
Saturday, May 19, 2007
So. Hey. I'm back! Yes, I know, not very exciting. Sort of anti-climatic really. But it is nice to be back. I figured this out when I first moved to France and it holds true for coming back to the States - it's really the little differences that get to you. For example, toilet flushes being on the side of tanks rather than at the top. Or the way people don't stand to the right side of the escalator so that people who want to walk can go up the left side. Or feeling ashamed of how you really wanted a beer with your Taco Bell. No longer being able to make snide remarks at people standing two feet away from you because you know they won't understand what you are saying anyway. When I was in France, especially towards the end of my time there, I was starting to get really antsy. I felt like my life in France was pretend-life and that my real-life was back in America, on hold, waiting for me to come home. It mostly had to do with the job that couldn't be found from 5,000 miles away and the wedding that couldn't be planned from across the Atlantic. Well, like most things, the grass is always greener and now that I'm back I'm wishing I had appreciated life being on hold a little bit more. Real life...well it's not what I was expecting. Things are messed up on a lot of levels. Family, friends, things just seem to be in such disarray. And maybe I'm only feeling this way because my grandmother is in the other room moaning and my mom and aunt are going nuts trying to take care of her. Or it could be because I found out tonight that a friend has had cancer for the last few months, fucking cancer, and I've been such a shit of a person that even though I noticed chemo references in his profile I never bothered to ask him what was up. Yup. Go me. I fucking rule. But you know what, I'm not going to make this all boo-hoo about me. Obviously there are bigger things going down in the world and I just need to grow up and deal with it. C'est la vie. Labels: Life
Saturday, April 28, 2007
So the last post probably makes me sound like a complete and total b*tch. Whatever. This blog is a form of catharsis for me and it was something that really needed to be released. But, that is also why I'm writing this post. To get that one off the top of the page. It's three thirty in the morning and I should be studying for a ridiculous test I have to take on Monday, but I am not. I am thinking about how the hell I'm going to study tomorrow, entertain my sister who does not deserve to be trapped in an apartment on a beautiful day in Paris, and how to control the intense crabbiness I've been feeling these last few days. Seriously. I don't know what it's all about. I just know that I feel really pissy and frustrated and I keep snapping at things that shouldn't bug me. Or at least, not enough to get snappy over. I am also still feeling totally exhausted, So exhausted that when my sister and I took a walk to the gardens near the Louvre today I completely passed out in one of the nifty lawn chairs that are distributed in Parisian gardens. So people like me can nap under a tree. Seriously, I could have been robbed, I was that asleep. Labels: Annoyances, Grad School, Life
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
My head is exploding with things to write about - I'm not even sure where to begin. But my baby sister is getting in tomorrow and I have to pick her up from teh airport in just under six hours so I better get some freaking rest already. Labels: Life
I was all set to write a completely self-deprecating post about how I feel like such a sh*tty person for the way I'm feeling about my roommate. BUT! That thing I was waiting for? The thing I've been waiting for, for what feels like YEARS now (reality: three weeks)? HE GOT IT! Paul got his dream job and that means...I GET TO MOVE HOME!! It's happening! It's really really happening! And I can barely believe it. And I am so, so happy for my Hubs because he deserves this and he's earned it and oh my GOD, how God has blessed us! Blessed me, really. I still can't believe it. I'M GOING HOME =o Labels: Homesick, Life, My Hubby
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Recently my days have been laced with this feeling of utter terror at how completely powerless I am in the grand scheme of things (i.e. where I will be one month from now). And since I'm being honest here, I might as well admit that I've been having these daily, mini-panic attacks, really? Since I graduated from college and realized how totally direction-less you are when you've just completed a degree in political science. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret for a second majoring in political science. In fact, if I had it to do all over again I would still major in political science...I just would also have majored in something else too. Or at least minored. And not in Psychology. Or maybe I would have just made sure to kiss up to my professors and get the grades I knew I was capable of but was too lazy to earn at the time because I was young and stupid and did not realize that even in college your grades still matter. And then I would have gone to law school and would probably be writing about how much I hate life. BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD DIRECTION. So there. Anywho, I guess that's really neither here nor there since the past is past and hindsight is twenty-twenty and really the problem isn't so much that graduating with a degree in political science = directionless but that I, in fact, was directionless. So now, here I am three years later and I am no longer directionless, just kind of powerless and I'm not sure which one I like less. I'm trying to stay positive because I really have taken a lot of steps in the right direction this year and I am proud of that. And I am learning to be slightly less neurotic and more trusting in God's plan for me. It's one of those things that you have to say to yourself a thousand times before it gets in just a little. So yes, I will still continue to have my mini-freak out moments when the fact that I don't know what's about to happen will drive me crazy and I might hyperventilate a little...but then I get over it and go back to studying and taking one breath at a time. Everything's gonna be alright. And yes, this post is more to convince myself of this than it is to convince anyone who might be reading it. Some days I must admit
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
It's not my something silly (still working on that), but I realized I left off one very important goal to reach before thirty. It's actually one I hope to reach before I turn 25 in July, but we'll see how it goes.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
With Scrubs as my inspiration, last night I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday (only about five years away!). Admittedly it is a bit ambitious, but I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibility. It would probably have been a better idea to have made this list when I graduated from college (or in college) but I wasn't an avid Scrubs watcher at that point in my life, so oh well. Better late than never. In no particular order...(and yes I know I cheated and put something on there I've already done, but I wanted something to cross out! and it really is something I've always wanted to do, so technically it should be okay, right?) All it's lacking is something silly that I actually do want to do...like Turk's "have sex while playing frogger" or JD's "sleep naked in a hammock." I'll have to think on that for awhile...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Oh yeah, remember how last week I was rambling on about waiting for some news? Well. STILL WAITING. There was a little flurry of news, but things are once again moving at the lightning speed of...a snail. And if you were wondering, I did suck it up and email the recruiter with my availability. The funny thing is I couldn't do it until I had typed up a Microsoft Word document with responses to inevitable questions. Seriously? This Master's degree is bringing out the Type-A-Crazy in me. Bah, okay, that's probably not true. Since my best friend in college, Jesse, has been telling me since forever to "calm the f*ck down." Does anyone know of a good wedding DJ under $400 in the LA area? We've got one for $400 but we'd like to pay a little less if possible since it's a morning/afternoon wedding. Thanks! Labels: Life, Wedding Planning wingless was still breathing at 4:03 AM - 0 comments
I'm by myself in the apartment today and I am reminded of just how much I hate being alone. Something about the silence, and myself, is absolutely terrifying. I miss my cat. Luckily it's a beautiful day outside. I think I will go get lost in Paris. Maybe take some pictures, if y'all are lucky. Labels: Life, Make Joyce go something something, Paris
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I'm not sure it's the healthiest thing in the world but I've started reading the blog of this woman who was recently divorced. That's not what's unhealthy, though, the unhealthy part is that I've been reading only the posts in the "divorce" category and I'm not sure why. She's really funny though. And even though it's obvious that the divorce caused her a lot of pain, she took it in stride and doesn't sound overly bitter and seems to be able to laugh at the horror of it all. She's one of those people I can totally relate to except that she's much more articulate and funny than I could ever be. Reading her posts scare the crap out of me because it makes me wonder and panic and hyperventilate a little bit because? What if that's me one day? What if Paul has a midlife crisis and leaves me alone with four cats, a drinking problem and a bunch of bills? Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end this way but it seems like so many do and well, how do you know? How do you know that you won't end up alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying to your cat ten years from now? How do you know that you ARE different? That your marriage is different? Your love is different? And the thing that scares me the most is that I don't think I could deal with it the way she has. I think it would destroy me and pulverize me into little bits of something I used to be. And I know, I know, I'm freaking crazy. Paul and I are fine. Paul is wonderful. More than wonderful. But I think that only makes it all the more frightening. I have no idea what I'd do if he left me, it's totally unimaginable. Just the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach - and nothing is even happening! Ah, what's wrong with me. Don't answer that. Labels: Blogs I read, Life, My Hubby
Thursday, April 05, 2007
How many times have I turned away?
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
"Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy." Labels: Life
Monday, April 02, 2007
Paul always tells me I have a problem with patience. The problem being I don't have any. So far things are looking good but there's still no solid news. If you don't know what I'm talking about hopefully you will by "Wednesday, at the latest." If not I will probably have died from anticipation by then anyway.
It's kind of weird how when you get married, suddenly someone else's big life moments, some of which you have absolutely no control over, can turn your world on its head. I think I like it.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
From what I hear it's gorgeous outside. I say "I hear" because I haven't actually left the apartment at all yet today despite the fact that it's almost 6pm. Supposedly I've been working on my LBO and Private Equity cases but in reality I've been playing Brain Academy on Joe's DS. I am telling myself it's okay because, you see, it's a brain game and therefore making me smarter. Who needs schoolwork? I've now moved onto updated my myspace page (by updating I mean adding one picture and changing my album setting from "everyone" to "friends only"). This means that my brain is actually now melting. Labels: Grad School, Life, Random
Thursday, March 29, 2007
My website seems to be down but happily blogger is not so here I am. I'm in a weird mood today. I spent half the morning looking for a sweatshirt I wore a couple nights ago when I had too much wine/sangria/beer. Then I spent most of lunch thinking about where I could possibly have put it in my drunken state. Then when I got home from lunch I found it in my dirty clothes bag. I guess I was more sober than I thought. In case you were wondering, yes I am still having major hyper-obsessive issues over not being able to find a job. I know that everyone is right and that it probably will be a lot easier once I am actually not 5,000 miles away from all the companies I am applying to...but somehow this does not actually make me feel any better. The psycho control freak in me is still flipping out and dying a little bit inside every time I check my email inbox to no avail. I know I need to calm down though or I'm going to make myself sick. Maybe I should try, I don't know, working on some schoolwork or something since I'm technically still in school and all. Oh yeah, then there's that whole wedding fiasco. Who knew that these things don't just plan themselves? So far we have no DJ, no officiant (!!!), no cake, no flowers, no invitations, no flower girl dress, no rehearsal dinner...the list has pretty much not changed at all since three months ago. Oh wait, I did reserve a block of hotel rooms so if you're coming to the wedding and you need a place to stay email me and I'll send you the hotel information. So uh, don't ask me about the wedding please because I don't know! In fact, don't ask me about much of anything because I don't know that either. Don't know where I'll be living in two months, don't know where/if I'll be working, and don't you dare ask me where. Please believe I'm not a total mess, I just sound like one. Labels: I need a job, Life, Wedding Planning
Friday, March 02, 2007
There's a rumor going around the hubs office. Word has it that my man is going to be getting a promotion and a big raise soon. Probably before June. And when I say big, I mean like all told he'll probably be doubling his current salary. Of course it's all a rumor right now, but if it's true that means the pressure's off me, in terms of finding a job the moment I step back on American soil. Phew. Thanks baby! This marriage thing ain't half bad. Labels: I need a job, Life, The Hubs
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