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Monday, November 17, 2008

i am teh fail

So, as I might have mentioned once or twice or fifty or a hundred times lately, work is quite distressing to say the least. But honestly, the worst thing about all of this is I feel like I don't know how to be a Christian and do my job at the same time. There have been so many nights I go to bed praying that I can just be a good witness, that I can show compassion and forgiveness no matter what happens or how wronged I feel there. And so many mornings I go in feeling like I can do it. And then like twenty minutes later I'm cursing up a storm on my Bl*omberg chatbox and generally being in a rotten, completely unloving and unforgiving mood.

I feel like I am being tested every day and every day I fail. Miserably. So, miserably I am literally ashamed to even tell people at work I am a Christian - not because I am ashamed of God but I am ashamed of how I am behaving and don't want people to associate that with the children of God.

I try to tell myself it's just work, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of eternity. After coming home from Baby J's funeral yesterday I was just thinking about how our time here is so short and is this how I really want to be spending it? Angry, bitter and frustrated all the time? It's not. I want to be at peace with my life and with the knowledge that God has a plan for me and this is just one of the rough patches, but it is leading to something...maybe a better job or maybe not, maybe just patience and understanding and the ability to show love regardless of the situation.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I'm gonna say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

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