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So that feeling of discouraged, panicky, desperation has returned in full force.

I had a good prospect, nay, a friggin' great prospect. But unfortunately my contact heard nothing back and I was supposed to follow up myself on it tomorrow but today the job disappeared off the company website. Ugggh. It was an ideal position in so many ways (the position itself, the company, the location, etc.) and now it's gone. Poof. Off the company website. And for some reason I find this to be completely crushing because I guess I had put so much hope into getting this job. This job was my holy grail of jobs and now it's gone. And I didn't even get a chance to bomb the interview.

Luckily I have a big glass of Bordeaux to comfort me. But I'm still not very comforted. Mostly just depressed and feeling that feeling I used to feel in high school when I was afraid I wouldn't get into college and I'd end up living as a bum inside of a cardboard box on the streets of San Francisco. (Yes, I realize I'm being melodramatic but I don't care, this is how I feel).

I know that I have to remember God has a plan for me and this is just all a part of it. Trust in the Lord and all that good stuff, I know it, I'm just having a hard time feeling it. I mostly just feel like a pathetic, crazy loser with no chance at a decent career. And when I feel like this it's really hard for me to "let go" of things and "just believe" that God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be. What can I say? It's the control freak in me. I have this obsessive need to know where I'm going and what's happening next. And maybe this is exactly the habit that God is trying to break me of, that feeling that I am in control. Because I'm not. Oh boy, am I not. Maybe that's the reason for all of this, the racist roommate from hell, the rejection, the desperation. Maybe this is the process, maybe He is breaking me.

But I still hate that feeling of not knowing.

Labels: Depression, God, I need a job