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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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damaged at best
Well, hello there! It looks like blogger has finally fixed the publishing glitch that made it so I couldn't update. I guess technically I could have uploaded something using an ftp server but that would have taken a lot of...effort. And I've been...tired. I am doing better. I even wandered out and actually hung out with other human beings outside of work and other than Paul. Work has sort of improved. Life is holding steady. I still owe people emails (sorry Todd! I promise I will write you back as it's definitely been on my mind). I'll be going on a cruise in a couple weeks and I can't wait. I hope somehow I'll come back recharged, reset, ready to face whatever is coming. The last few months have taken a lot out of me and I've felt like I've been slipping back into my old "I want to crawl into a dark hole wrapped in a warm blanket" ways. It's not as easy to do that, though, when you actually have a job and a husband and bills to pay. But I suppose this is a good thing since being depressed is not a great thing. Although it is somehow...comforting? It's familiar at least. Is that weird? Probably. For the past few months I've been having a lot of dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call them. Rarely do I wake up with a good feeling. I've even started taking sleeping pills off and on because it's the only thing that makes me feel like I've actually slept. I haven't been having any recurring dreams, they're always different, sometimes they're even kind of funny when I wake up and think about what the dream actually was, but I can't escape that uncomfortable feeling while I'm actually having the dream - and those first few seconds when I'm shaking out of unconsciousness. I can't pinpoint what it means exactly, except the obvious, something is bothering me. It would be easy to say it's work, it's the unknown of Paul not having a job, it's this, it's that. I don't know. I don't really care. I just want one non-drug induced dreamless night. I used to love having dreams and now I just want to not wake up feeling like I spent the whole night doing whatever happened in my dream. Anyway, now that I've written a sufficiently non-coherent post, I shall leave you with these lyrics which I think do a pretty good job of summing up how I feel these days...By the way, how obvious is it that this is a Christian song in the guise of a secular one? The broken clock is a comfort Labels: Depression, Life, Lyrics
Comments:
Hey there Joyce. Glad to see you're feeling a little bit better. I hope you enjoy your cruise! (It's hard not to.) One of the girls here at the church I live at said some of the young adults are trying to get a cruise together and she wanted me to come too. Haha... I think being on a cruise ship would help out a great deal with celibacy.
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