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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

damaged at best

Well, hello there! It looks like blogger has finally fixed the publishing glitch that made it so I couldn't update. I guess technically I could have uploaded something using an ftp server but that would have taken a lot of...effort. And I've been...tired.

I am doing better. I even wandered out and actually hung out with other human beings outside of work and other than Paul. Work has sort of improved. Life is holding steady. I still owe people emails (sorry Todd! I promise I will write you back as it's definitely been on my mind).

I'll be going on a cruise in a couple weeks and I can't wait. I hope somehow I'll come back recharged, reset, ready to face whatever is coming. The last few months have taken a lot out of me and I've felt like I've been slipping back into my old "I want to crawl into a dark hole wrapped in a warm blanket" ways. It's not as easy to do that, though, when you actually have a job and a husband and bills to pay. But I suppose this is a good thing since being depressed is not a great thing. Although it is somehow...comforting? It's familiar at least. Is that weird? Probably.

For the past few months I've been having a lot of dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call them. Rarely do I wake up with a good feeling. I've even started taking sleeping pills off and on because it's the only thing that makes me feel like I've actually slept. I haven't been having any recurring dreams, they're always different, sometimes they're even kind of funny when I wake up and think about what the dream actually was, but I can't escape that uncomfortable feeling while I'm actually having the dream - and those first few seconds when I'm shaking out of unconsciousness. I can't pinpoint what it means exactly, except the obvious, something is bothering me. It would be easy to say it's work, it's the unknown of Paul not having a job, it's this, it's that. I don't know. I don't really care. I just want one non-drug induced dreamless night. I used to love having dreams and now I just want to not wake up feeling like I spent the whole night doing whatever happened in my dream.

Anyway, now that I've written a sufficiently non-coherent post, I shall leave you with these lyrics which I think do a pretty good job of summing up how I feel these days...By the way, how obvious is it that this is a Christian song in the guise of a secular one?

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That I'm looking for purpose
I'm still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding onto you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what
You will throw my way
I'm hanging on
To what you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on...
I'm barely holding onto you

- Broken by Lifehouse

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wingless was still breathing at 5:39 PM -

Hey there Joyce. Glad to see you're feeling a little bit better. I hope you enjoy your cruise! (It's hard not to.) One of the girls here at the church I live at said some of the young adults are trying to get a cruise together and she wanted me to come too. Haha... I think being on a cruise ship would help out a great deal with celibacy.
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