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This should not be a long post. It should not. I am drugged up (Ambien), it's 9pm (I have to get up at 5am). Paul is out partying it up on St. Patty's day and I am here with the kitty and we are both kind of drugged up since she's recovering from having her teeth cleaned this morning.

The other day I went to work and the ambien had not fully worked it's way out of my system and I was apparently typing incoherent nonsense at my coworkers for several hours. So if this appears to be just some completely psychotic line of thinking feel free to ignore me. On the other hand, I feel like I have something to say.

I just want to know why. Why my life can be fine and why I can still be suffocating under this relentless fear. The older I get the more I start to think that this is just how life goes. There is never a moment to sigh peacefully and feel....like everything is fine the way it is and will stay that way forever. It's like being lost at sea in a violent storm...sure you can pull your head up for a few minutes and breathe, maybe grab onto some debris floating by, but soon enough, you're once again just trying to keep your head above water so you can breathe.

Lately I lie to myself. I say, "Self, if you could just get yourself healthy enough to have a baby next year then everything will be ok." Which I know this is ridiculous. I want to get healthy not just to have a baby but for me, but having a baby is not going to help me shake off what I've come to accept is just who I am.

It's me. Yeah well I can't get myself to go away.

I mostly hate that I'm back here again. Same spot, totally different circumstances. I have so many reasons to be happy and thankful. Amazing husband, good job, a nice apt in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. By all accounts I should be quite happy with my life. And yet I still feel like I'm working towards something - or rather that I should be working towards something. And so the relative non-movement as of late has me feeling a bit...stuck.

What does my life mean? What is it supposed to mean? And how can I make it mean what it was meant to mean? And why are the sentences I'm writing so ridiculous.

This is what happens when you give me sleeping pills, a computer and a thirty minute window for the pills to take full effect. Somehow it felt like the right thing to do.

Labels: Depression, Life, to sleep perchance to dream

Comments:

If you ever got to the point where "everything is fine the way it is and will stay that way forever," you'd soon feel like you were suffocating.

And if you "still feel like I'm working towards something," well, maybe you should be.

Find something you have a knack for, that you also like, where you think you can contribute, and make it a purpose. It might be being the best wife and mother you can. It might be making money. It might be dog training for all I know =D But, once you find it and start working at it regularly, you'll start to know what your life means =D

I've been reading you for a long time. You are a sharp woman. Keep your chin up, pray for some guidance, and keep pressing ahead. Eventually, if you don't stop trying, things will break open for you...but in their own time.

Best wishes

John Hawkins

# posted by  Anonymous : 10:49 PM

 

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