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Friday, March 20, 2009

actually not a bad time to be a credit risk analyst

So you may have heard about all the financial-crisis-hoopla stuff going on recently. Just a bit. And yes, Paul lost his financial industry job last November. And nope, things haven't really improved much within the industry since then. So he was understandably surprised when he got a call. For an interview. In fact, he didn't even answer the phone, so convinced was he that the random 415 area code number was a telemarketer.

"Haven't you sent out some resumes recently?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"So, uh...?" I said.

And lo and behold his phone jingled that he had a voicemail. And someone wanted to interview him. So he interviewed. And this afternoon FedEx dropped off an offer later and as of March 30th we will officially once again be a two income household.

We both feel so blessed. Especially because we were able to arrange a last minute getaway to Hawaii for next week!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:46 PM - 1 comments

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

This should not be a long post. It should not. I am drugged up (Ambien), it's 9pm (I have to get up at 5am). Paul is out partying it up on St. Patty's day and I am here with the kitty and we are both kind of drugged up since she's recovering from having her teeth cleaned this morning.

The other day I went to work and the ambien had not fully worked it's way out of my system and I was apparently typing incoherent nonsense at my coworkers for several hours. So if this appears to be just some completely psychotic line of thinking feel free to ignore me. On the other hand, I feel like I have something to say.

I just want to know why. Why my life can be fine and why I can still be suffocating under this relentless fear. The older I get the more I start to think that this is just how life goes. There is never a moment to sigh peacefully and feel....like everything is fine the way it is and will stay that way forever. It's like being lost at sea in a violent storm...sure you can pull your head up for a few minutes and breathe, maybe grab onto some debris floating by, but soon enough, you're once again just trying to keep your head above water so you can breathe.

Lately I lie to myself. I say, "Self, if you could just get yourself healthy enough to have a baby next year then everything will be ok." Which I know this is ridiculous. I want to get healthy not just to have a baby but for me, but having a baby is not going to help me shake off what I've come to accept is just who I am.

It's me. Yeah well I can't get myself to go away.

I mostly hate that I'm back here again. Same spot, totally different circumstances. I have so many reasons to be happy and thankful. Amazing husband, good job, a nice apt in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. By all accounts I should be quite happy with my life. And yet I still feel like I'm working towards something - or rather that I should be working towards something. And so the relative non-movement as of late has me feeling a bit...stuck.

What does my life mean? What is it supposed to mean? And how can I make it mean what it was meant to mean? And why are the sentences I'm writing so ridiculous.

This is what happens when you give me sleeping pills, a computer and a thirty minute window for the pills to take full effect. Somehow it felt like the right thing to do.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:57 PM - 1 comments

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Think happy thoughts

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Or so I tell myself.

Seriously though, I'm really lucky to still have a job...that's why I'm trying not to complain about it...much.


wingless was still breathing at 5:20 PM - 0 comments

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