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Limbo.

I been there. In fact, I am there.

These last few weeks, months, I've been gripped by feeling deeply unhappy and unsatisfied, but also really grateful for what I do have.

Does that make any sense?

Let me give you an example: work. I get really depressed thinking that this may be it, this might be as far as I get, that twenty years from now I will find myself in the same seat as my uneducated, incurious manager who is happy to spend her days on personal calls as long as she can say she is The Manager. It's a terrifying thought and to be honest there are very few people like her coming into the industry nowadays...most are much more ambitious which is what brings them into banking to begin with.

Anyway, while I fret about things like where the hell is my career going, I also feel unbelievably luckily and grateful that I even still have a job to wonder about at all. I know there are many out there who don't have the luxury of bitching about their job anymore and I don't take that for granted. Plus, in this industry, no one really feels as though there's such a thing as "job security" anymore. Here today, gone tomorrow as they say...I pretty much feel a sense of relief when my key card works when I get to the office every morning. So yes, I am extremely grateful to still have my job and I do actually love a lot of things about it and try to remind myself of this every day (it really is a great job for now but probably not five years from now).

Then I ask myself, am I happy? And I know the answer to that is probably no. Am I unhappy? I don't know. Maybe?

Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I just need to quit that attitude like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to stop being such a control freak, trying to figure it all out right now and just let it be.

Sigh. Oh well.

Labels: Depression, Life