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Sunday, May 31, 2009


Today Paul asked me if I thought LeBron was a sore loser for not congratulating the Magic after losing Game 6 - and his hope for a 2009 championship ring - to them yesterday.

No, I told him. He has never been a LeBron fan (he will deny this if you ask him now and say he is neutral but I distinctly remember having a conversation with him this past season about why he doesn't like LeBron) so he replied that he does, in fact, think LeBron is a sore loser.

Admittedly, I am a LeBron fan so I may be a bit biased myself, but nothing that has ever been reported about LeBron suggests to me that he is a sore loser. To me, the reason he didn't congratulate the Magic is simple.

I asked my husband if he had ever been so disappointed in himself, so crushed by the hopes and expectations he had placed on himself that the thought of even being near someone else who had achieved what he hadn't was unbearable?

And it's not even really about that other person, it's not about resenting what they have achieved, it's more that their achievement reminds you how you have failed so miserably.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:56 PM - 0 comments

Friday, May 29, 2009

life or something like it


I been there. In fact, I am there.

These last few weeks, months, I've been gripped by feeling deeply unhappy and unsatisfied, but also really grateful for what I do have.

Does that make any sense?

Let me give you an example: work. I get really depressed thinking that this may be it, this might be as far as I get, that twenty years from now I will find myself in the same seat as my uneducated, incurious manager who is happy to spend her days on personal calls as long as she can say she is The Manager. It's a terrifying thought and to be honest there are very few people like her coming into the industry nowadays...most are much more ambitious which is what brings them into banking to begin with.

Anyway, while I fret about things like where the hell is my career going, I also feel unbelievably luckily and grateful that I even still have a job to wonder about at all. I know there are many out there who don't have the luxury of bitching about their job anymore and I don't take that for granted. Plus, in this industry, no one really feels as though there's such a thing as "job security" anymore. Here today, gone tomorrow as they say...I pretty much feel a sense of relief when my key card works when I get to the office every morning. So yes, I am extremely grateful to still have my job and I do actually love a lot of things about it and try to remind myself of this every day (it really is a great job for now but probably not five years from now).

Then I ask myself, am I happy? And I know the answer to that is probably no. Am I unhappy? I don't know. Maybe?

Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I just need to quit that attitude like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to stop being such a control freak, trying to figure it all out right now and just let it be.

Sigh. Oh well.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:14 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, May 28, 2009

it was titled "let's see if this ever sees the light of day"

This morning I woke up with this horrible feeling. Like I had taken sleeping pills and then blogged something all woe-is-me-wah-boo-hoo. Even though I was already late for work, I quickly checked my website before running out the door and was quite relieved to see that I hadn't posted anything. Still, I went through my day and couldn't shake the feeling that I had done something on the internet last night in an Ambien daze.

Lo and behold when I get home this afternoon and check blogger, there it is in draft form. A rambling post about how I am too surrounded by negativity and need to be more positive and find peace in my life. Go back to the Lord. And also why the Cavs will never fire Mike Brown as long as they have LeBron James to make him look good (even though they so totally should fire Mike Brown and it is a freakin' travesty that he got COY).

I think I'm going to quit taking sleeping pills since they apparently, um, fail to actually put me to sleep? Go figure.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:37 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

mommies gone wild

The other day I was reading some mommy blog, and as most mommy blogs seem to be the blogger clearly skewed towards the left side of the political spectrum. To put it mildly.

Anyway, it took me a few reads to get the gist of her post because it was rather nonspecific railing about how a picture of her daughter pretending to breast-feed a dolly was beautiful and how we should teach our kids that Barb*ie can fall in love with Barb*ie and basically that California sucks and breastfeeding dollies is good (I assume it had something to do with the Prop 8 ruling but not sure where breastfeeding comes into the picture). O...kay.

For the record, I never really cared much about gay marriage one way or another, I am somewhat naturally inclined towards being against it but I don't see the world coming to an end if it happens to go the other way (har har)...I only started actually paying attention to the whole debate when it started being shoved down my throat (i.e. naked make-out sessions in a park with children playing a few yards away, the summary classification of people who aren't ardently pro-gay marriage as ignorant homophobes, so on and so forth).

But really, I'd like to address the whole weird pro-breastfeeding reference in her post. I am all for breastfeeding, I think it's great for the babies, for mother-infant bonding, and I plan on doing it myself if at all possible. I also think women who choose not to breastfeed have their reasons and that's fine too. After hearing both wonderful and nightmarish breastfeeding stories I've come to the conclusion that there is no right or wrong and honestly, who cares whether or not someone else chooses to breastfeed their offspring?

That said, when Paul and I were in Miami this past January we enjoyed a lovely afternoon at the Lincoln Road outdoor mall, sipping sangria and people watching. A woman walked by with her shirt up and a child literally hanging off her boob. Her nipple was the size of a sand dollar. I almost spit up my sangria.

Sure breastfeeding is a beautiful thing and all, but um, dude? Seriously? I don't need to see that.

From what I know most of my cousins who are mothers have breastfed their babies at least for some time. I've heard some of them complain about what a pain it is to go out when they're breastfeeding because they always have to plan ahead and make sure there's a place to do the feedings (none of them are into the whole breastfeed in public thing). But for those who don't mind breastfeeding in a public place, what's so hard about finding a nice bench to sit down on and carrying a blanket to throw over yourself? I've seen plenty of women breastfeed in a modest way in public, so why do some have the need/desire to shove it in everyone's face?

I'm not crazy right? What would you think if you saw that?

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wingless was still breathing at 5:17 PM - 0 comments

Assorted questions...

1. Why is it better to hold terror war prisoners indefinitely without trial in supermax prisons within the United States than to hold them at Gitmo? Doesn't holding prisoners indefinitely in a federal supermax set a more dangerous precedent than holding them at Gitmo (which much more closely resembles a POW camp than does a supermax prison which holds prisoners that have been tried and convicted in U.S. federal courts)? Can any Obama supporters out there please explain this to me?

2. Why do people try to make a comparison between Kobe and MJ? MJ won six championships in ten years and was Finals MVP six times. Kobe has three championships in thirteen years and has never been Finals MVP. That means Jordan was "the man" all six times he won and Kobe (in three extra years) has only won half as many rings and has never been "the man." Even if gets it this year, that's still one vs six. No comparison, in my mind and I'm not even a big Jordan fan (I prefer Magic's style of play).

3. Why do I sometimes still get the feeling like I'm waiting for my "real" life to begin? I have a career (sort of, well, I'm employed in my industry of choice so close enough I suppose) and a husband. And a cat. When does it count as "real life?"

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wingless was still breathing at 3:07 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

personal day

Above is my attempt to distract you from the rambling post from last night. I really need to have Paul confiscate my laptop anytime I use those darn sleeping pills. Speaking of which, I didn't even go to bed after taking them last night, I more or less floated around the apartment in a semi-conscious state until WELL past my bedtime. So far past my bedtime that I actually took a personal day because, dude, I wasn't going into work in that state.

Anyway, look! Kitty! She is still a big (BIG) ball of fur and cuddles. It's really nice having her back with me all the time.

Well, I'm off to pick up Paul for a rare workday lunch together! We work across the street from each other but since I don't get a lunch break, the best we get on a normal day is picking up food together. Today we are going to have sandwiches on the couch at home so this is quite a treat.

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wingless was still breathing at 11:23 AM - 0 comments

Monday, May 25, 2009

you just don't know when to quit do you

Paul and I just returned after a four-day trip up the coast of California. My wonderful, amazing hubby planned the whole thing with almost zero input from me (since I kinda suck at planning things), I mainly served as a budget-sounding-board (i.e. How much should we spend on hotels?).

Even though our accommodations on the way up were amazing (no sleeping in the car for us!) I still didn't sleep very well due to the fact that I am very much like one of those grumpy old people who don't like to be away from their bed and their things, etc...

Long story short, now that we are home and have to go back to work at the butt-crack-o-dawn tomorrow, I decided an Ambien is in order (especially since Paul will undoubtedly be up til past my bedtime watching the NBA playoffs.

Ok, so I remember there was some point I wanted to make when I started writing and then one thing led to another and here I am?

I think I was going to write about how I managed to watch a large part of the Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon while we were away and damn it. I want kids. I don't want eight. But two or three would be really awesome. But you know what? I'm really not coherent enough right now to go down this path on this blog. This topic deserves to be written by someone who isn't in a state where she is easily distracted by shiny objects...like Lamar Odom's head on the tv screen.

Which brings me to the other thing this post might have been about...I hate the Lakers. I don't really know if the Nuggets can take them down, esp since they gave home-court back in the last game, but you know, they've proven they can win in LA so....gah....blaahhh...

Just so you know, the last time I wrote a post while drugged up on sleeping pills, I literally forgot I wrote it for months until one day I was like eh? What is this? And it even had a COMMENT on it (Hi John! I keep meaning to write you and tell you that your little note meant a lot to me but then it was sooo long after you actually wrote it I also felt a bit silly....). And then it came back to me like your memories after a long night of drinking and doing crap you'd much rather just forget all about. Except in this case, I was just sort of embarrassed that I couldn't remember having written all that....

GAH! *taping my own mouth shut now*

Let's talk in the morning.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I voted

No on 1A-1E and an emphatic YES on 1F. As my husband said to me just now, it's ridiculous that it isn't already illegal for legislators to give themselves a raise when we're running huge deficits. True that.


wingless was still breathing at 7:24 PM - 0 comments

Friday, May 15, 2009

Happy Friday!

Feeling under the weather and really, really exhausted. Don't have much to say except Star Trek the movie was awesome and you should definitely go see it.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

anyone surprised that she's a hardcore lefty liberal?

There's something I've been wanting to write about for awhile and yet haven't been quite sure how to without sounding too snarky and judge-y. But let's face it, I am being a bit judge-y and I don't necessarily think that it's wrong in this case because...well...read on.

I've been following this girl's blog off and on for awhile. I check in whenever I'm bored or happen to notice it in my bookmarks list not because it's particularly entertaining or well-written but mainly because she seems like such a train-wreck it's hard to look away. She's a couple years older than me, married to a much older, HIV positive man who's a former intravenous drug user (hence the HIV). She herself is a recovering alcoholic. She's still working on her undergraduate degree (her graduation date from State is constantly being pushed back due to incomplete courses and the like) and she earns money by babysitting. Not sure what her husband does but since she's written about fighting over things like whether or not to buy a new mop for $2 I feel it's safe to say he's not raking it in. They share a 2-bedroom apartment with a roommate somewhere in one of the less nice neighborhoods of SF. Oh and here's the kicker: They're trying very hard to get pregnant. Including through artificial means (since they kind of have to cause of the HIV and all).

As much as I love reading those infertility blogs where the couple eventually manages to conceive and posts a zillion adorable baby pictures, I've always held my breath a little every time I clicked onto her site. And then I would breathe a sigh of relief when I read her latest rant and was assured that she was still unsuccessful in her quest for procreation.

Until a couple weeks ago, that is, when I read about her first positive home pregnancy test. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt angry, angry suddenly that we live in a country where we have to take a test to drive a car but any jackass can have a baby. I'm not saying that people who don't have all their ducks in a row should not be allowed to have children (see how annoyed I I am, I just used a triple negative), but I don't think that people in situations like the one she is in should be actively trying to bring a child into their roller-coaster of a world. If it happens, it happens, but to purposely bring a child into the world when you can't even provide for yourself? When there's a strong possibility your husband could get very sick and even die in the not so distant future? Does that not seem the least bit irresponsible to anyone else but me?? Her blog doesn't get a lot of readers but so far all the comments have been happy and supportive which I suppose is the norm. I don't like to post comments on blogs where I lurk (and in case you haven't noticed, I am not linking it here either) but I'm VERY tempted to in this case. But I won't. Because I know it won't make a difference.

The fact that she lives in SF only irritates me more because I know that I am going to end up being one of those sucker taxpayers who ends up contributing to her selfish need to procreate when she doesn't have the means to raise a kid without a government handout.


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wingless was still breathing at 3:16 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

grumpy old...me

Paul and I went clubbing on Saturday. Yes, clubbing. Your eyes do not deceive you.

One of his frat bros was having a birthday party, and being a promoter (his frat bro, not Paul) decided to make all his aging buddies drag their bums out to a club. Not just any club, but a theme night club. Yes, in true fraternity form it was "everyone must wear black" night. Because you know, being a unique individual is just way overrated.

Anyway, I realized that at the ripe old age of not-quite-twenty-seven, I have become a grumpy old man. Outwardly, I smiled and made polite conversation and only yawned visibly a few times, while inwardly I was shaking my fists and complaining about young people and their loud music. Seriously, though, am I too young to feel like I am way too old to be in a crowded, sweaty, dark, loud club full of people so drunk they can barely stand up without swaying back and forth? Do I really want to see some girl grinding on top of some guy she literally met five minutes ago? (A guy who happened to be one of Paul's college buddies) - a scene that made me really glad I opted to check my coat for $3 instead of tossing it on the couch. Do I really want to wonder whether or not the girl behind me on my way to the bathroom is going to throw up on me because she doesn't seem to be able to stand on her own and her friend seems in quite a rush to get her to the bathroom? Am I really supposed to enjoy being in a room so crowded I can't walk from one point to another without being bumped and jostled and having literally no personal space to speak of? Do I enjoy having other people's drinks spilled on me?

I think I can safely say that the answer to all of those questions is a clear and resounding: No.

Pardon me for being prematurely crotchety but I just don't get why clubbing is considered "so fun!" Give me a glass of wine and a good History Channel documentary any day...

Oh and by the way, although I did put on makeup and a dress, I wore my crocs. Because I'm awesome like that.


wingless was still breathing at 7:46 PM - 0 comments

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