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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

dirty little secret

So let me lay it all out for you.

I like working in finance. As those of you who have known/read me for awhile know, I've gone through several different industries and was bored rather quickly with all of them. As lazy as I can be, I enjoy a challenge, I enjoy a constantly changing environment and learning something new every day.

When I was doing property management I would sit and ask the building engineers questions about the HVAC system all day long even though during high school and college I was bored to tears by physics. When I was recruiting in the sciences field I would spend most of my interview time asking the candidates about their research and techniques even though I fastidiously avoided any non-required science course in college. Those jobs just bored me to tears and I was searching for any bit of mental stimulation I could find.

So anyway, I like finance, almost enough to say I actually really like my job. I do, sort of. I like the exposure it gives me. I like the resources. I like being in a position to learn. But when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in this position for two years now and what with the events of last fall, at this point I'm kind of going backwards not forwards. I'm in a position to learn but don't really have the opportunity to be taught the things I want to know. I' surrounded by the best and the brightest and yet I'm not necessarily supposed to be asking them questions and soaking up their knowledge.

And I feel so guilty about complaining. I have a job. I got what has amounted to two raises and a promotion in less than six months. I am so blessed to be where I am. I know all this. And yet, I'm not exactly happy. Far from it to be honest.

Which, again, I feel I need to qualify by saying, I am so thankful to have my job and I am more than happy to stay where I am if the alternative is being unemployed. But what about a year from now? Two? Three? More? I don't know.

And with my 27th birthday coming up, it just...it weighs on me. And I hate that with the economy being what it is, I feel awful about saying and feeling this way, but I do. I keep telling myself to be content, to find peace in the fact that the Lord has a plan for me. And yet, I consider the fact that excellence so rarely coincides with contentment. People who excel are rarely content, which is why they excel. Ambition and inner peace don't necessarily go together do they? I'm afraid that if I convince myself to be Content that I will miss out on Opportunity. Whether or not this is true, I don't know.

I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to let go. To remind myself as ambitious as I am, or would like to be, I really don't ultimately have control of what happens to me. I'm trying to remind myself that despite all my ambition and restlessness, someone else is in control. And driving myself crazy won't change that.

Let go and let God.


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wingless was still breathing at 6:37 PM -

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